What is normal within a relationship and what is 'gaslighting'?

[Thinkingaboutgas]

Have namechanged
I have always thought we have a good marriage, ups and downs, 3 children, weathering the storms that life throws at you etc
It needs careful handling at times and I have always considered my DH 'difficult'
I have always been glad I have good self esteem and a knowledge of 'who I am' because have often thought if I didn't, I would have lost myself years ago.
After reading a few threads have had a nagging feeling that I might be being vvvvvv subtly 'gaslighted'
But doubt my own opinion (which freaks me out)

So DH has no addictions, no affairs, he is workaholic however.
When things are good, they are great, but I have noticed increasingly that this depends on whether he is happy or not
If he is happy, things are good
If he isnt, they are are not so good (and I can usually see the best in most things)
I have started trying to work out what percentage of the time we have good/not so good times for my own interest
And I 'walk on eggshells' when he is not happy

So, these are the examples that I had thought of

1. 'We don't go on holiday with anyone because no-one asks us because we have 3 children'-they have asked us
   
2. 'No-one asks us to go on holiday with them because they know you don't want to go with them'-he hasn't wanted to go on holiday with anyone else because he says he likes family time with just us. I wouldn't mind either way'
   
3. 'We don't go out anymore-because you don't like going out'-I am the more social person and love seeing people, DH is person who likes having 'quiet family' time at weekend
   
4. If I say I'm going out, he will ask 'Won't that make you tired' and sometimes I am tired and I cancel
   I have ended up having fewer friends because it is increasingly difficult to arrange seeing them with DH and family to call it a friendship.
   He has very few friends as he doesn't have the time to see them, but when he makes the effort he is charming witty and caring
   He doesn't mind seeing my family, although that was tricky when we first got married
   I have still got good friends but I just see them when he is at work as it is easier and I know it is important to have this support network
   I thought we have a good relationship, when all is going well it is fabulous, just when it isn't , it is fairly miserable.
   (I am good at thinking positively as well)
   Hence working out what percentage of time is spent in doldrums.
   Just would value some wise relationship type words and some stuff on how to handle this
   And I would also appreciate it if people didn't shout 'he's a prick, leave him' as a knee jerk response

[Thinkingaboutgas]

anyone?

[madonnawhore]

It sounds like he's projecting his own
issues onto you.

Taken at face value, it's difficult to say for sure that him asking you whether going out for an evening with friends will make you tired is manipulative. Depending on the state of the relationship and the person saying it, it could be totally innocuous.

But the red flag here is that you're starting to doubt yourself and you're letting his passive aggression and emotional manipulation dictate what you do - i.e you end up cancelling the night out. Why? Because him asking you whether it would make you tired is code for 'I don't want you to go'. The normal response to that question would be, 'No, I feel fine. Looking forward to it actually'; and the normal response to that response should be 'Ok, great. Go have fun'.

But I suspect that you end up cancelling because you know that if you do go, you will suffer some kind of silent treatment or insidious punishment, and that is what's worrying.

He sounds possibly depressed to be so negative all the time. Has he always been hermit-like, or is it more recently?

[Thinkingaboutgas]

I think a more negative aspect is part of his personality
He takes on lots of work which he feels he has to

yyy, you are right about secret code, I am starting to wonder it he means that he would rather I don't go out.
I am tired at the moment, so know this can effect how you start thinking about things, hence wondering if my interpretation is 'off'

[NicknameTaken]

I think it's worth keeping a diary so you can track what's happening.

You say that you are walking on eggshells when he is in a bad mood - for me, the key question is: what would happen if you don't walk on eggshells, just cheerily go about things as you normally would? Would he sulk? Throw a tantrum?

I don't think it's that rare for someone to try to have their own way (it's not a nice characteristic, but common enough). The question is, what are the consequences when he doesn't get his way?

[youngblowfish]

Obviously, it is very difficult to answer your question from the limited information provided in your post. But I thought that I could try to make some general points.

First of all, I think it is entirely normal and healthy to reassess your relationship every now and then. Especially if you are the sort of person who seeks out the positives in life, because, as much as being an optimist is a blessing a lot of the time, it makes it easy to overlook negative aspects of life which might need tackling. So the fact that you started to think about how often you feel truly happy is a positive sign and does not necessarily indicate some deep-rooted problems in your relationship. After all, IMO awareness is always good.

Secondly, a difference of perspectives is very common in relationships. You might be married and very close, but you will still see some things differently and that is normal and healthy. I think adults occasionally have to agree to disagree on certain issues and move on. However, there is a difference between that and one partner deliberately trying to make the other believe something which is not true for their own twisted benefit. I am afraid only you can decide whether that is happening in your marriage.

Similarly, a difference in how sociable you are in comparison to your husband can cause tensions. I know exactly how you feel, as I am more sociable than my DH and I get the sense that sometimes he really does not like me going out. But I don't spend excessive amounts of time hanging out with friends, so I let him have an occasional moan and just get on with my social life. Naturally, I see less of my friends than I did when I was single, but I do not allow him to dictate who and when I am going to spend my time with. IME, it is just one of those boundaries you work out through the course of your relationship.

One thing that would worry me slightly is that you mentioned 'walking on eggshells' when he is upset. Why do you feel that you have to do that?

Overall, and I might be completely wrong, I get the sense that you are scared. Are you scared of your DH or of the things you may find out about your relationship with him when you start analysing it?

[Thinkingaboutgas]

Thankyou for your workds, youngblowfish, that is probably more how it is.
And certainly the social side of things feels like it has finally reached neutral ground

I suppose we are two quite powerful personalities negotiating in slightly different ways to get what they would like, or finding the common ground.
I think I got scared wondering if by accident I had ended up in a emotional warfare situation
When he is in a sulk, i do tend to get on with my cheeriness and not got sucked into a discussion and there aren't repercussions.
I am not scared of him per se, I just hate it when things aren't 'pleasant', probably says more about me than him

Good, feel empowered to continue working at my relationship.
Am going to keep an eye on these parts of things though
Thankyou again