Why am I a magnet for nutters?

[magnetfornuts]

I've namechanged for this, just in case!

Basically I seem to attract people who seem perfectly normal then turn into total psycho narcissicstic nutjobbers

Ex - having read through the threads here I can now see he has a strong narcissistic streak in him, he 'rearranges' the past to suit his agenda and if confronted with irrefutable proof that he is wrong then his memory conveniently goes. When we split he could not, and to this day still doesn't see, that a 50/50 split between him (has a good job able to progress up housing ladder easily and will inherit a shitload of money in the future) and me/2 kids. He couldn't see that it was unreasonable for him to live his life of luxury yet his children would be the ones that would suffer most, not me.

Friends - over and over again I tell myself I'm not going to have any more close friends. It all starts out fine then they seem to want to spend more and more time with me until they are practically living in my pocket if I don't nip it in the bud. Don't get me wrong I like having good friends and I try to be a reliable friend myself but they really take the piss. The pattern is usually the same - they then do exactly what the (few) men in my life have done - turn into screaming psycho harridans.

Could someone please give me an insight into why I seem to attract these people and what the signs are to look for in them because I have now reached the stage when I don't trust anybody with the exception of my DCs

[BelleDameSansMerci]

Seriously? It's probably because of something in your upbringing/childhood. If either of your parents or close relatives behaved in that way you may be subconsciously drawn to this type.

Or, you may have "nutters welcome here" written on your forehead

[foureleven]

Are you a person who likes to be a carer?
I have a relative like this. Shes insecure and quite likes the company of 'victims' because she can look after them but then gets bored with it all when she realises they cant be cured of their nuttiness.

Not saying thats you, just one possibility.

[magnetfornuts]

Seriously It's really starting to get me down and I know I'm keeping people at an arms length now.

Childhood was ok, not great, 2 very self absorbed parents with the attitude that their children (3 of us) were nusiences. Why they bothered having children is beyond me but it did mean that I swore that I would never ever let my DCs be emotionally neglected the way we were.

The XH I can cope with, that is over and done and in the past. I let him irritate/get to me as little as possible despite his thorough knowledge of which buttons to push lol.

It's the new men/friends bit that is getting me down. They seem to want to suck the lifeforce out of me and when they realise I'm not going to comply they freak out on me. I've had the silent phone calls/dropped phone calls, random weird texts, screaming and shouting, rumour spreading, trying to turn other people against me, my car keyed, pizza/takeaways turning up etc. Sometimes it felt like I was reliving the past and stuck in the school playground again but permanently.

There must be some sort of danger signal I am missing here. Some signal that other people can pick up but I can't - a bit like my gaydar has gone on the wonk but for psychos?

[Coolfonz]

Are you one too? You don't want friends?

[magnetfornuts]

I am a people pleaser sort of person I think. I like to nurture and look after things but I'm not deliberately setting out to boost my collection of nutters, I would much much rather my friends/lovers stayed perfectly normal and sane lol.

[magnetfornuts]

No no no coolfonz I do want friends, just normal ordinary sane ones I can have round for coffee, go out with etc. I don't want ones who seem to want to spend their days telling me their woes and sobbing all over my kitchen table. Occasionally I'd like to sob on their table and have a moan but it is always one sided.

I'm wondering now if trefusis has hit the nail on the head. They do seem to expect an awful lot from me, maybe I am giving that impression.

[ItsGraceActually]

What BDM said, definitely. In my (extensive!) experience, this is ALL about boundaries. Your notes re self-absorbed parents would explain your having incorrect boundary settings. There are loads of very helpful Web articles about this - I also find Mumsnet a massive help with working out what boundaries are 'healthy'.

Not to say I've got mine right yet, so not offering advice on where to set yours!

[ItsGraceActually]

This is quite an irritating blog imo, but the post I've linked to has a good section on boundaries.

[magnetfornuts]

Lol I see what you mean about irritating but I've read it and it was very very helpful. I think I attract people with no emotional boundaries. I need to realise that people who share everything immediately with me are going to follow the same unhealthy pattern and turn into psycho nutjobs like previous friends.

I also don't seem to be very good at setting boundaries myself, especially physical (I allow strangers to hug me even though it makes me uncomfortable) and emotional (I sit and empathise with these nutjobs rather than closing myself off to them). Soooooooo MNers I think I need help asserting myself a bit more, I'm not very good at saying no because I'm obviously frightened of upsetting people

[ladylush]

Defo a boundary issue - that combined with your desire to please = recipe for disaster.
Always be wary of people who want to share too much too soon. They will bleed you dry.
Instead of letting others dictate the pace of your relationships, put some boundaries in place yourself. Don't accept hugs if it makes you feel awkward. Speak out if you're unhappy/uncomfortable with things - or put some distance between you and that person.

[magnetfornuts]

I have issues with that I'm really seriously crap at saying no/stepping back because I hate hurting peoples feelings. How do you do that without hurting them please?

[boogiewoogie]

Are you me Magnet? I have the same issue about being walked over and taken for granted by "close friends" who turn out to be emotional vampires!

Seriously, I believe that this is also to do with being assertive and being able to say "no" with absolute conviction so that people know where they stand and not try to take a mile when you give them an inch.

Thank you for the link Grace.

Shall watch thread with interest.

[ItsGraceActually]

Glad the link helped
Here's another offering - my favourite assertiveness primer I've got the Assertiveness Bill of Rights in my kitchen ...

[ladylush]

The people who are taking the piss do not deserve to have their feelings considered imvho and if you need to say no to people who are decent but just asking something of you that you can't/won't give - I'm sure you will find a way of letting them down firmly but gently. It will get easier the more you do it.

[magnetfornuts]

Well I had a bit of a result today I said no (nicely) to a 'friend' and she threw a total tantrum lol. But I stuck to my guns and didn't give in and later on another friend came up to me and said the 'friend' reminded her of the school bully.

Made me feel so so much better, thank you to everyone who has posted and helped me

[magnetfornuts]

oh and I love 'emotional vampires' that is just exactly it

[SolidGoldBrass]

SOmething to bear in mind is that unreasonable and even abusive people have a fairly well-functioning radar for those they can make demands of and bully ie people who have been accustomed to bullies or have boundary issues and will therefore be considerably slower to say 'No. Now piss off.' to them. While bullies are often self-aware enough to know that most people will actually submit to them at least temporarily rather than make a fuss, they have quite fine-tuned radar for those who will either give more submission - or will deliver a swift kick up the uglies instead. The more you learn about your own boundaries and set them, the more these people will back off and find less challenging prey. Don't feel guilty about refusing unreasonable requests, never feel you need to justify your refusal.

[ItsGraceActually]

Excellent comments, SGB, and very true!

[ItsGraceActually]

Forgot to add my congrats, magnet Interesting that your other friend identified the issue after you'd dealt with it! Keep up the good work ...