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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

why can't I ever walk away

13 replies

littleearthquakes · 29/07/2010 21:46

someone tell me you have a man in your life who seems to have absolute control over you?

I've known this man 10years, since I was a teenager...in essence I know we have never been more than fuck buddies but I get wildly emotionally attached to him whenever we meet up having not seen each other for a while, he tells me all the right things, we have amazing sex then gradually his calls etc diminish and he doesn't even reply to text messages. Then a year or two later he crops up again.

I just don't know how to flush him out of my system - I know he is bad for me, I am a wreck whenever he is in my life, I have nearly fucked my life up on more than one occasion because of him. I punish myself by seeing him because I know it will make me feel horrid about myself, but I don't stop it.

We do have an incredible sexual attraction to each other - not like I've had with anyone else and we've had it literally from the second we first made eye contact. I've since had better lovers than him but I can't make myself resist his advances and I feel just so awful for not having more control.

Am so angry because he's been back on the scene for a few months now and it's started all over again in terms of him not replying to messages, not answering the phone or returning my calls. I think about him constantly (mainly in anger!) but jump as soon as he tells me to when he deigns to get in touch (probably once a week at the moment)...I've lost count of the number of times I've deleted his nmber or promised myself not to contact him...

OP posts:

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atolaas · 29/07/2010 23:14

It can be a very isolating experience, been there and have the t-shirt to prove it. So what I have to say next is very important, the best thing I ever did was get on with my life and focus on what I needed to do. Up sticks and move, if thats what you need to do to get away from this guy. If he knows he can keep worming his way back into your life, then he will keep doing it. You need to send him the message that you don't need him. Trust me its the best form of revenge you can have over someone who enjoys manipulating you...take back the power!!! Its nearly 2 years later, I've met a wonderful man and we are expecting our 1st child next month. Trust me and more importantly trust yourself and get as far away from this guy as possible.

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msboogie · 29/07/2010 23:17

get some therapy - you clearly enjoy hurting yourself

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Monty100 · 29/07/2010 23:18

OP - you really have to get this man out of your life.

He uses you. He fucks your life up. Get him out. Forever.

Get on with your life, meet someone who respects and loves you.

Start by loving yourself.

I think this thread is going to take off.

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overmydeadbody · 29/07/2010 23:20

I agree with atolas, great advice there.

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ReasonableDoubt · 29/07/2010 23:21

Cut all contact, completely, NOW. It is the only way.

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overmydeadbody · 29/07/2010 23:21

Yeah, you really do need to start loving yourself, and having a bit more self-respect.

You are being used and you know it.

You're worth so much more than this.

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EekaSqueaka · 30/07/2010 01:27

Taking control of this situation. You've wasted what? A decade of your life being intermittently ruined by this man?

You've felt what it's like to take one step forwards but then two back, because you let him walk in and out as it pleases him. The best gift you could give yourself is to take that first step and then keep walking.

Never let him do this again! If you know any contact will lead to him treating you in this way (and you do know this), cut contact, take control, be free and make your life yours.

I hope neither of you are otherwise attached?

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SolidGoldBrass · 30/07/2010 01:32

Get passionate about something else (not another man, though a good shag with someone else will do no harm and may help). Women are still socialised to believe that the most important thing in the world is Twue Lurve and that this is some outside entity over which they have no control - bullshit! What do you care about, what excites you? Animal rights, local issues, art, music, sport? Get yourself involved with something that matters to you and this will fill your thoughts up and drive out Knobboman.

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weakatheknees · 30/07/2010 10:21

ah - i had someone like this to. ( or have)
i know where you are coming from.

I took back control a few weeks ago. Got rid of all avenues for him to contact me.

2 weeks on and i miss him like hell. Im glad i did it, but im so sad about it. I would love him to find a way to contact me and tell me he was wrong and sorry etc etc. but i dont think that will happen.

I just need to accept that it was the greatest thing that never was. It was my romeo/juliet situation.

What im trying to say - is its hard. But you have to do it.

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littleearthquakes · 30/07/2010 11:35

I know I have to do it, and have tried in the past, but am a total muppet and just don't manage to tell him where to go when we bump into each other again.

I know I have very limited self-respect which is why I think I use him to abuse myself as well, so he's not entirely to blame when I am aware of how he uses and manipulates me.

Apart from when we very first got together, he's always been in a relationship when he's 'found' me again, when I've quizzed him about that his response has been "yes but I always seem to keep coming back to you".

Ugh god, I can totally see through his lies and bullshit so why do I allow myself to get so riled up and affected by him?

OP posts:

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nickname2 · 30/07/2010 12:02

Oh god you sound like me, i was in this situation. Everytime he surfaced he was always in another relationship. In the end I realised he was making me feel so bad about myself that I just walked away and havnt looked back. I can easily say now that if he was to walk in the room now, I would never go back there.
You will have your lightbulb moment, its just a case of when!! Good luck.x

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nickname2 · 30/07/2010 12:02

Meant to say mine lasted 14 years (on and off obviously)

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littleearthquakes · 30/07/2010 12:08

trouble is I had my lightbulb moment...I was supposed to meet him 2 weeks after I met a lovely boy, cancelled on badguy, ended up marrying lovelyboy....met up with badguy a few months after wedding, all actually fine and friendly and decent - thought "brilliant, I have no attraction towards him, maybe we can even be friends", on off friendship continued then he completely turned my world on it's head a few months ago and I can't shake him off.

I'm a horrid horrendous person