The Gender Stereotyping of Wanking Rights in General (...and the misunderstandings caused thereof)

[JustAnuthaMutha]

I need to talk this over but don't know where to start x100

We have different views/understanding.
It's pissing me (us?) off.

How do we resolve this before it becomes a festering pustule on the arse of our relationship?

[Malificence]

Come again?

Can only proffer an opinion if you state your differing views really.

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

Who's wanking where and when they shouldn't the, you or DH?

[Sammyuni]

Wanking rights??? i believe that belongs to the wankee

[Tortington]

imo everyone should have the right to wank in private if they so choose

[Taghain]

What's a wanking right?
Doesn't your DH like the rabbit buzzing next to him at night? Does it keep him awake?

[JustAnuthaMutha]

He seems to think men need to wank, whilst women need to do so only when not satisfied.

Which creates a scenario whereby, I am to feel comfortable with him wanking (I do, however may well (have) become a little narky if he chooses his hand in preference) ...yet if I wank, it is a symptom of an issue.

Dunno if I'm making sense. I don't think either men or women need to wank but I don't think it's wrong if they choose to. I'm starting to think his views of me wanking are a projection of an issue - he's not satisfied?

There just seems to be an imbalance or lack of understanding...? It might sound like a Small Thing but it's already causing issues which is why I haven't taken the obvious step of discussing it with him.

[Malificence]

Anyone choosing masturbation over sex with their partner has issues imho, otherwise wanking is simply a sign of a healthy sex drive.

His theory is ridiculous, he needs to read up a bit on female sexuality, the more orgasms you have the more your body craves, you can have fabulously satisfying sex then wake in the night, still be very aroused and have a play, doesn't mean you're not satisfied, at all, quite the reverse .

He seems to think that your sexual needs are secondary to his and that is a problem.

I can never understand why some people view masturbation as a seperate thing to their sex life, surely it's a part of it?

[booyhoo]

he is talking through his arse. needs are as individual as the person involved. he has an issue that needs addressing. definitely time for a bit of reading on his part wrt female sexuality. how insulting that he thinks you only take an interest in yourself if he hasn't satisfied you. that ego needs cutting down to size. it aint always about him.

[JustAnuthaMutha]

Mal and Boo, I don't think he's being intentionally 'off' about it all, I do think he carries common misconceptions amongst some men (and maybe particularly to his age group) wrt women and sex.

I'm certain he wanks rather than shags more than he lets on and that's affected my confidence to the point I have trouble orgasming with him at all (previously unheard of, for me).

He has views such as morning quickies not being 'fair' because he gets his end away and I get to deal with the 'mess' and little else . Sometimes he maybe thinks he's doing me a favour by wanking rather than shagging! He isn't

Sometimes I wank because I don't feel satisfied but that's only borne out of the bluddy cycle we've got into (sometimes I do to get more of a 'buzz' on the go for later).

He can't seem to take in that when we shag, even if I don't come, it makes me feel closer to him. I suppose the polar opposite of that is feeling like him wanking in preference to shagging is pushing me away...



Sigh!

[booyhoo]

i dont think it is intentional either justanuthamutha. that doesn't mean it is any less egotistical. and it still needs addressing.

[JustAnuthaMutha]

I honestly don't have a problem with him wanking per se ...but I can see from my last post, the line is blurring for me wrt to what I am and am not comfortable with. Arse.

How can I discuss it with him effectively if I don't know my own mind?!

[booyhoo]

i dont think your problem is with him wanking, just the fact that you know sometimes he will do that rathr than have sex, which would be a problem for me too if it was happening a lot.

[JustAnuthaMutha]

Several times this week, for example...

[coventgarden]

If you can't talk, write.

You enjoy sex in a physical and emotional way. A lot of men just enjoy the physical side, or at least much more than the emotional side.

Couples do feel closer when they are having more sex together, I suspect dh and I are not feeling close atm because the kids are being too much and we have had no time together.

[booyhoo]

several times in one week he has chosen to wank rather than have sex?

as in you were both planning on having sex and he changed his mind and had a wank instead? or is it a case of you would usually have sex several times a week and this week you didn't but he did wank? either way i would think that was quite strange.

[JustAnuthaMutha]

We've had sex too but other times we normally would or could have, I'm certain he's wanked instead.

I feel like replacing the toys I felt I had to get rid of! (Ok, not the most constructive response )

[JustAnuthaMutha]

Covent, I can see us each developing deeper and more meaningful relationships with our hands if we don't get this sorted out!

[coventgarden]

Talk to him!

[JustAnuthaMutha]

I tried.

According to him, he doesn't wank rather than shag, which is bollocks and makes talking a non starter because he clearly does. Although denying he's wanked rather than shagged ...he does so because I haven't got time (for sex) and should be doing other things.

I'd have thought this was up to me to decide?

I'm feeling as though certain things are being decided on my behalf under the guise of altruism ...but not.

[HerBeatitude]

This is atrocious. Why did you get rid of your sex toys? Surely you can integrate them into your sex life with him?

Tehre's sth up with this - it's not the fact that he has a wank when he wants that's the problem, it's the fact that he's denying you sex in favour of wanking while pretending that he's doing you a favour and refusing to engage in the discussion you want to have about not being happy with your sex life.

Not sure where to go from there, sorry not much help. Am thinking aloud maybe this might spark some thought from someone else.

[JustAnuthaMutha]

I got rid of them because he was somewhat uncomfortable about them. I don't wish to make him feel unnecessary uncomfortable, so binned them with the intention of buying one for 'us'.

I did but he's got stuck somewhere between jealousy (of said object- "why can't you just use your hand?") and intrigue ("it would be really hot if I walked in and you were...") and intrigue/jealousy/insecurity ("have you used it yet?").

Thank you for pin pointing this:

"it's the fact that he's denying you sex in favour of wanking while pretending that he's doing you a favour and refusing to engage in the discussion you want to have about not being happy with your sex life."

[JustAnuthaMutha]

He told me, after. Don't know why.

I wouldn't normally want or expect to know either.

[Eurostar]

I was with someone who wouldn't believe me about the, yes a quickie is good for me sometimes, he turned out to be a wrong 'un as it's a sign of not listening and not actually caring. It's not that is so desperate that you enjoy yourself, it's that he feels inadequate if you don't orgasm and he can't live with that or change his mindset.

The wanking is a part of this in that for him, he probably finds sex un-relaxing as he feels he can't really let go as is too worried about his performance (hence feeling challenged by sex toys)so he probably finds it a relief to relax. Only other reason might be that he's worried of premature ejaculation so keeps up the wanking inbetween to help prolong time to orgasm.

I think it's true that if men don't ejaculate for a very long time, it can get nasty, as in "blue balls" and I'm not sure if anyone has proved an equivalent in women. However, that is irrelevant here, it's not as if he's not coming quite often anyway.

Sounds like it's all a symptom of some quite deep seated "ishoos" in him. If he's starting to make you lose your sexual confidence, it's actually a sign that you are in quite a damaging dynamic I'd say. Sounds like you haven't been together that long? If you don't have DCs with him, is he worth it?

[CaptainKirksNipples]

Euro blue balls is a total myth started by 15 year old boys who wanted to pressure girlfriends into touching them when they didn't want to!