Quick question about mediation

[pleasereassure]

H has just been to collect the children for a few hours. He hasn't seen them for two weeks, no contact, just one phone call to ask if he could see them this evening.

I asked him if he had heard from the mediation service. He had. I asked if he'd called them. He hadn't.

I am getting frustrated. It is three months since he left the family home and he is simply avoidng every issue. He has moved on very quickly and already has new GF and a "step-daughter".

He has not offered nor contributed a bean with regards to money for the children. He has refused to attend DS1 CAMHS appointment tomorrow (he's working) and did not see DS1's first theatre production - of which there were seven shows - (he's working).

I am the one bending over backwards to facilitate contact. I am the one meeting myself coming back with regards to being mum, working and keeping the house. We bought our home as a renovation project and so various "niggles" have needed time and money spent on them recently to put them right.

I am frustrated that I cannot move on with regards to setting routine contact for the children and sorting our finances. Am I expecting too much or is this typical?

[ItsGraceActually]

I think you've married my ex

Cannot offer you specific advice - you need a legal bod for that - however, based on my own experience, I suggest binning the mediation. Go straight for the resolution that will work properly for you & DCs, using a kick-ass, no-nonense solicitor. Don't be bullshitted into basing anything on the potential value of your home; make sure you don't underestimate the costs of completing it. Remember you'll have to hire people to do stuff you might have done yourselves.

Good luck. I hope a specialist comes along with more explicit advice for you.

[pleasereassure]

Thanks Grace. My solicitor is a big fan of mediation...but of course you need both people at the table to make it happen. H just does not care enough to see things through.

My solicitor has not moved forward with the Divorce proceedings either. I think that would give H a kick up the arse as well as he will see that I mean business.

He is still the World's Best Dad in the eyes of the children. I suppose that it's good that they haven't picked up on the absolute mountain of despair I've been in lately.

With regards to the house, I am just so over it. On the morning H left, he left me with water streaming through the kitchen ceiling. This could not be fixed...it was the general disrepair of a thirty year old bathroom. This meant that I had to pay for a new bathroom about two years earlier than I'd hoped for. I saw the £ signs in H's eyes when DS1 exctitedly told him of the new room.

DS1 has been in a show so last week he has not been to bed before 11pm on any night. We are all exhausted. The sheer heaviness of all this makes me want to stick pins in H's unhelpful eyes.

[celticfairy101]

The father of your children will soon be receiving a big fat needle up the eye of his penis very soon with regard to the outcome of your divorce proceedings and quite honestly he sounds like he deserves it. I would also push for mediation. Your solicitor knows what she's doing. He has to pay for this service which explains his avoidance and if he continues to do this the courts will not look upon him favourably. If he doesn't play by the rules, like you are doing, then his ass will be wipped (and he won't enjoy it!!).

Good luck to you. You are coping well and I know it's hard work but you will reap the rewards. Your children will grow to respect you more and respect him less. And this will be a good thing for they will learn to assess assholes in life and how to avoid them.

[cestlavielife]

can you phone mediation and get some appoitnment times - then call him and say mediation is on this day at this time or this day at this time. if you dont turn up i will assume you want to go straight to the first divorce hearing.

he is just delaying...

[pleasereassure]

Thanks Celticfairy. It is just another thing in a long line of things to feel resentful about...I just have to keep telling myself that I am not responsible for his crap choices.

Cestlavielife, my solicitor had told me that Mediation outreach to H first to "test the water"...as in, if H does not want to have mediation then there is no point. I was told that Mediation meet with him first? Do you know if this is right? It would be great if I could book the appointment as it would be job done.

I feel so cross as this is typical of our marriage...if it is not organised and done by me, then it does not get done at all. I have carried this man for 12 years and I am still doing it even though he has left. Argh!

[pleasereassure]

BTW, DS1's CAMHS appointment went SO well. That is the silver-lining in today's cloud.

[pleasereassure]

ARGH!!

H has just been round to visit DS2. It was his day off today and so I asked him iff he had contacted mediation. No, says he, he's been very busy all week. (Bear in mind GF was at his house on Sunday).

H looked stressed. Asked him if it was the cancer again...he says he has an appointment on Saturday for a check-up.

HELP ME! Please reinforce to me that it is not my job to assist him emotionally anymore. Please remind me that he has only seen his children a hadnful of times in three months and has not contributed a bean towards them. Please remind me that he has a massive family who were all "so relieved to have him back from my evil clutches".

When I let him know that DS1's CAMHS appointment went well, his response was "Well, he's been fine with me lately". Yes, H. He has. Because you have seen him for a total of ten hours in three months.
He's now making me questioning my parenting.

Will someone please get him out of my head!!

[Gotabookaboutit]

Only you can do that ! Give your solicitor a kick up the arse and say if no mediation arranged within 2 weeks to go ahead with divorce proceedings asap . Carry on with the practicalities of separation - your head will follow

[pleasereassure]

I know, Gotabookaboutit. It'sjust all consuming. I've got a Relate appointment coming up and so I'm hoping it will bring closure to the relationship side of things so that I can switch off and deal only with the practicals.