I think my marriage is over.

[oshit]

I'm in tears. I have just had a massive argument with H for the second time in a week. He was my soulmate. I spent the most of my teens and twenties single because no-one met my very high expectations.Until I met H.

A few months ago his father died. I know he had a difficult relationship with his father and never felt 'good enough' but since then he has been just horrible.

He has called me names, sworn at me and the DC and hit DS around the face.

A friend of mine came round for dinner last week and was shocked not by how rude he was to her, but by the fact I didn't bat an eyelid.

I asked him this evening if he could make an effort to be nice to her next time she was around.

Cue massive row. He doesn't see why he should be nice to my friends when he works a 60 hour week to keep a roof over our heads.

I told him that as it was important to me, it should be important to him. I have suggested grief counselling or going back to the GP's for ADs (he has a history of depression).

He is just so angry. I don't know what to do. I took my marriage vows seriously but this is not the man I married.

[BitOfFun]

I'm sorry, this sounds really hard. He does appear to be behaving completely unreasonably though.

Hitting your son around the face? Totally unacceptable.

Can you talk to anyone in RL?

[oshit]

I've been talking to RL friends, and had convinced myself that the real 'him' was in there somewhere.

He was just so cruel tonight. He seems to equate 'good husband' with working hard.

To be fair, he meant to clip ds around the ear and DS dodged, Not saying that makes it ant better.

[Toffeefudgecake]

I'm so sorry you're having such an awful time. If it's any help, my once boyfriend (and now my DH) was dreadful to me after his aunt (with whom he was very close) was killed in a car accident. We almost split up over it.

I think this is all about grief and stress (60-hour week?!). Your husband definitely needs to go to the dr and seek counselling and ADs (I did both these after my Dad died). Although he is obviously going through hell, it's not fair that he's taking it all out on his family (hitting DS around the face is unacceptable and he should take that as a sign that he needs help, if nothing else).

If I were you, I would be furious too, but I think you should hold off on the 'this marriage is over' idea for the moment. The first step is for your husband to accept that he is being unreasonable and to seek help.

It's not fair on you. None of this is your fault. But our nearest and dearest always show us their worst side.

I know you are furious at the moment, but when you feel calmer, maybe you can approach again him with sympathy, not blame. He sounds like a very, very unhappy man at the moment.

Good luck.

[oshit]

I'm more upset than furious, I just can't believe that the only man to live up to my expectations is being so cruel.

[Toffeefudgecake]

I know. I'm really sorry. He's taking everything out on you and it's not fair. If you could manage to talk to him calmly about it, maybe he'll get upset instead of angry and then you might get somewhere.

Have to go to bed, I'm afraid. I suggest you do the same.

Hope things improve for you tomorrow.

[oshit]

Thankyou.

I have been very calm (almost unheard of for me!)but he just keeps twisting my words back on me.

Night x

[Toffeefudgecake]

He just wants to take his anger out on you, I think. I hope he feels ashamed of himself in the morning.

Make sure you talk to a good friend or two if you can in the morning. You need lots of support.

Goodnight.

[GazzasDressingGown]

I'm so sorry ohshit.

It is unacceptable to hit your son.

I am coming at this from a slightly different perspective though

I am recently bereaved and lost my dp just over a month or so ago.

You say your dh lost his dad and things were quite conflicted,maybe he is struggling with grieving

(Oddly enough i have just posted on another website to do with grief about the fact i slapped ds on the arm today,i was tired,emotional and so sad,not really an excuse tho and i am taking a long hard look at myself atm as i always believed and still do that physical violence is not a good thing in fact i am in a very bad place right now)

could you convince him to see his gp about some bereavement counselling if this has started since his fathers death

grief is a weird thing

love and hugs

[seashore]

That's such a tough time your going through ohshit I'm reminded of my friend and the trouble her marriage hit after her dh's father passed away, her dh also had not had a great relationship with his father. I'm just wondering if perhaps grieving digs up all the unhappy memories or disappointments from childhood and if it is encouraging your dh to act more like his father did? Maybe dwelling on their difficult relationship almost makes parts of his father come out in him?

It's just an idea, I think like others have posted bereavement counselling is needed. He needs help burying the disappointment of his relationship with his father. He can't take it out on your ds.

I hope things get better, well done for staying calm, you're handling a difficult situation really well.

[Anniegetyourgun]

"He doesn't see why he should be nice to my friends when he works a 60 hour week to keep a roof over our heads"

What on earth do the first and second half of that sentence have to do with each other? How much of an extra burden is it, really, to speak politely instead of rudely? For a start he isn't working to keep a roof over her head. She's just visiting. He's got some very strange stuff going on if he really thinks that working hard entitles him to be offensive to all and sundry.

I strongly recommend a firm "get help or else" line, rather than the "please could you be nicer". Right now he seems to think what he's doing is ok. It isn't. Something may be making him behave badly, but the behaviour itself is unacceptable and needs to be tackled, for his own good as well as his family's and anyone else he might be taking it out on at the moment.

Trouble is, of course, if he works such long hours it won't be easy finding time to go to the doctor's, or he'll be too knackered on his days off. That's why I say he has to realise it's of vital importance. It's not just his own misery at stake.

[Daffydilly]

I don't want to sound at all unsympathetic or excuse his behaviour but your statement -
"I'm more upset than furious, I just can't believe that the only man to live up to my expectations is being so cruel" rings alarm bells for me. You're putting him under a lot of pressure there - it's not his job to live up to your expectations. He is his own person and it does sound as though he needs a bit of help here. Marriage isn't all easy but it is about being there for each other - you may need his support in a similar situation.

[rita2007]

one question - howlong have you been unhappy in your marriage? has it just stemmed from your hubby's dad's death or were there issues before that also?

i have been having issues for about 2 yrs now so maybe can you my percpective.....

[helicopterview]

Same question as rita.

You may be right in that there's a connection between father's death and behaviour now. But the death was a few months ago, and you mention the unacceptable events from last week.

That's quite a time lag.

Have there been other things he's done in teh interim?

Has anything else been going on more recently that could be having an impact on him?

[Toffeefudgecake]

Helicopter - that's not a time lag at all. In fact, I should think his father's death is only just beginning to sink in. It takes a long time to grieve and there are all sorts of stages. Anger is one.

Hope you are OK today oshit and that you have managed to talk to someone in RL.

[OrmRenewed]

it took my DH about 2 years to get over his dad's death. Perhaps longer in his head. It isn't going to happen overnight. But he needs help.

[BitterAndTwistedChoreDodger]

OP I could have written this. DH's mother died in April and since then he has been horrible. Horrible to me, horrible to the DC.

I tried to be understanding and use the softly softly approach but it didn't work.

I basically told him that unless he got help I would leave him. I didn't want to, but I think it gave him the shock that he needed to realise how bad the situation is and that he needed to change.

He's since gone to the GP and got a prescription for antidepressents and is looking in to counselling.

I hope things get better for you.

[helicopterview]

oshit, sorry. Didn't mean to underestimate impact of the death of dh's father.

[Toffeefudgecake]

Hope things are a bit better for you and that you have managed to have a talk with your DH.

[mustbnutsy]

I think he needs more support from you and the children, maybe back right off and give him space. My Dad died and I grieved badly for about 10 months, then slowly life got better, but my husband was so good to me, he let me cry and rant and was just there for me, he wasn't in my face, but sat with me and listened and cuddled - now's not the time for confrontation, take on more responsibilty of the kids explain it to them that Dad needs space and ask them to consider his feelings. You said your husband was the love of your life, then why not be his - love him back, marriage is very hard work at times, when one is low its up to the other to be strong, you will get through this X. As for your friend, apologise to her and if she is a true friend she'll understand and can support to you at this difficult time.