Hate new house

(46 Posts)
Charli1990 Wed 10-Apr-13 15:32:25

Hi im new to this so not sure if im posting in the right section was. Was looking for some advice my partner recently bought a house I protested and begged for him not to do it he done it anyway and I despise living here its only been a week and I cry every day all day. I don't want to be here I hate the area and im so alone also 6 months pregnant with no family near me. Never felt so alone. He has realised it was a huge mistake. Has anyone put there house up for sale so soon after buying we willing to lose some money as I believe happiness is much more important than money. I feel so unhappy I don't want to be anywhere near this house. The house its self is lovely and such a nice street but I can't cope being here. I know I wont settle here so giving it time isn't going to work. Would be grateful for any comments back and thank you for reading . X

emanuela Wed 10-Apr-13 16:20:49

What is that you don't like about the house? Too isolated/ too small? Why did your partner decide to go ahead anyway?

You can definitely put it on the market now. The only thing is if you sell less than 6 months after you bought it might have some implications for the buyer's mortgage.

But please do it. I wish I was as brave as you.

specialsubject Wed 10-Apr-13 17:03:22

you say your partner bought the house, ignoring your input. Are you the joint owner?

if so, you need to look seriously at your relationship and hope he learns. Now grow up and stop crying. Identify what is actually wrong so you don't have the same problem again. if the problems are yours, you'll just take them to the new house.

your buyers will be very suspicious about the house if you are selling so quickly, you need to have a damn good story about why it is wrong for you.

you shouldn't be alone if you have a partner. I think there is more to this.

flow4 Wed 10-Apr-13 17:58:15

Aww charli, you sound miserable. sad Could your feelings about the house be being made worse by pregnancy hormones? Realistically, it's going to take you at least 3 months to sell, which means you'd be moving again around your due date, or with a newborn baby, which will be very hard. Might it be worth thinking about other options? Like waiting til after the baby's due and seeing if your feelings about the house change? Or letting it out and renting somewhere else to live for a year, perhaps closer to your family?
Hope it works out for you. smile

Charli1990 Wed 10-Apr-13 23:49:54

Emanuela it's just so far away from my family and my family are like my friends as I don't really have any I know I should grow up being 21 and moving straight out of my parents its just so hard I want to br happy and get on with it but this feeling is just awful like a black cloud following me. I just thought get on with it your going to be a mum but I didn't realise how much I would need my family epically with the disability I have. I think my partner just got this rush to think we need a house right away but didn't realise how it would effect me instead of the whole picture. If we get told not to sell I think we will try n rent it out its just frustrating I tried to tell him but he just didn't listen. Thank you for your comment. I really want to sell
X
Flow4
Yeah I think the hormones are definitely not helping but this feeling is so strong that its morr than that. Yeah I think trying to rent it out is the best option if it wont sell. I have been depressed before and its that same feeling. I just feel everything getting on top of me hate this house constantly at hosp appointments because of being high risk and everything just feels awful. Thank you for taking time to get bk to me x

Special subject
Considering I have been with my partner a good few years and the fact we are having a baby its not him thats making me unhappy its this house and yes im alone because he works 7-7 and before you say you should have thought of that they hours have just went up because of the type of job he has. He done it because he thought that was the right thing as a hole and not what was right for me and baby. Yeah maybe your right at 21 I should grow up easier said than done unfortunately.

FarleyD Thu 11-Apr-13 00:04:48

Charli, I agree with flow. Being six months pregnant and having extra problems is bound to be stressing you out. Try and stay put until the baby is born, and then re-assess. I know it's difficult and you're lonely, but I think if you try to move now, you're going to be even more stressed with all the hassles that moving brings with it. Also, have you been assessed to see if you could have Ante-natal depression? Sounds like you have an awful lot going on just now.

Could you go and stay with your family/friends for a couple of nights a week whilst your dp is at work? And, I know this isn't what you want to hear but you just might get to like the house once your life has settled down a bit. When we bought our 2nd house I hated it with a passion, but I had to reluctantly agree with dh that it was the best we could afford for the time being. And, actually, although I never loved the house itself, I did grow to like it and there were lots of things about it that were much more suitable for a young family than our current house (eg, it had a big garden).

But the absolute best thing was that there were four other women on the street either having a baby at the same time as me, or who had just had one earlier that year. Some of the friends I made on that road have gone on to be some of my closest friends and we left there nearly 14 years ago!
So could you identify neighbours with similar age children perhaps and try to get to know them?

Whatever you decide, look after yourself and console yourself by remembering that you won't always be there and soon you will have a baby to keep you busy and diverted!

AliceWChild Thu 11-Apr-13 07:44:54

There's a relationships board on mumsnet that's very good for providing supportive advice, if you ever need or want it. The thing that sticks out in your post for me is that your partner took a huge decision about where you would live, ignoring your views, and has now left you upset. That's not acceptable behaviour in my world. Please remember that board is there if you ever need it.

Jaynebxl Thu 11-Apr-13 08:30:24

How far is this house from your family? Do you drive, or do they? Please don't do anything rash as it does sound like hormones / depression and things may feel better longer term. Also maybe go see your dr?

wonkylegs Thu 11-Apr-13 08:47:21

How far away are your family?
Although you say things won't change how you feel, you must remember you've got a lot going on. New home, moving away from parents, pregnancy - are all big things and need time to settle. Your reaction feels to me like a panic reaction to all the change.
Sit down with your partner and try to discuss your concerns calmly. Try to work out if there are any compromises which might make it feel a bit easier. Can you stamp your own mark on the property to make it feel more like your home. You say it's a nice house now you need to make it a home. Invite family round, bring in personal stuff.

orangepudding Thu 11-Apr-13 08:55:35

Even if you do sell you will probably be in the house for few months. To make these months easier I would look for any NCT groups or other ante natal groups you can join. See what your local children's centre has to offer, perhaps they run some ante natal groups.

noddyholder Thu 11-Apr-13 08:57:59

You need to keep the house for at least 6 months as some mortgage companies won't allow a mortgage on a house previously owned for less For some it is a year. I would spend the 6 months tarting it up in teh hope of a quick sale when the time comes and keep looking at areas you do like until then smile

nancerama Thu 11-Apr-13 09:07:50

I remember feeling much the same way that you do when I was 6 months pregnant. The only difference was that I'd been living in my house for 6 years. I loved the house and the area, but I was worried about lack of support and friends after the baby came along as my circle of friends were based at work, not where I lived.

I joined an antenatal yoga class, went to antenatal and bumps and babies groups at our local Surestart and through NCT and now have a fabulous circle of friends.

Being pregnant can make you feel quite vulnerable, but it also gives you a great opportunity to form a new circle of friends.

lizzyhum Thu 11-Apr-13 09:26:45

Don't be so hard on yourself. 21 is still very young especially if you've never been away from your family before. I'd have struggled with the responsibility of a new house and pregnancy at that age!

It sounds like you're depressed. Go to your GP and explain how you feel. Then do as Nancerama suggested. Get out to as many groups and classes as you possibly can. Your doctor or local Children's Centre should have info. on this.

Have you told your family how you feel? Could they come to stay with you for a while as you settle in or after the baby is born?

I would wait for a little while before you rush to put the house back on the market. You could always rent it out if you really couldn't bear it any longer.

Charli1990 Thu 11-Apr-13 09:35:33

When we came to see the house it looked like nothing at all needed done not even painting but the day we moved it we noticed everything new floors paint new door im not afraid of diy just didn't think that much needed done. Im as much to blame I know I am. I let it go on n go along with it for a while but 2 months before he signed I said no dont do It I know I should have said earlier but I don't think it hit me till then the solicitors said we would have lost about £800 which I was totally willing to pay as I had it saved. My family live 2 half hours away I don't drive and neither does my mum. It's not the house its the area its not nice at all im scared to even walk the dog on my own theres no local shop to walk to with the baby nothing. This properly sounds lile poor me but I honestly don't mean it too im usually a get on with it type of girl. But waking up everyday feeling like this is awful. I know I should wait the 6 months see if I can get on with it n if not put it up for sale least my little boy will be 3 months by then. I just want to be happy as a family. I will definitely look into ante natal groups and things having someone to talk to does help. X

BeebiesQueen Thu 11-Apr-13 09:36:28

I would say at 6 months pregnant now is not the time to be buying and selling a house, its very very stressful.

Talk to us, tell us exactly what the problems are. In a few months time when the baby is here can you re asses the problems and see if they are still as big.

You say there are no family or friends near by, have yu contacted your local childrens centre? there are some great bump and babies classes out there, you come under the catagory of 'young mum' and there are some fantastic classes too, I've been to them myself and made some friends that way.

Join an antinatal group on here and have a look at the local section, I'm a local ambassidor myself and there are lots of meet ups, buddy benchs etc going on.

I've had antinatal depression and its not nice to feel so low before the baby comes, I'm not saying that what you have but I know how you might be feeling.

When I was pg with dd1 I lived 80 miles from family, had no friends and really struggled. But the thing I lernt is only you can make the diffrence. We can all give advice on here and say put the house up for sale now or go along to sme groups but unless you take the advice, stop crying and take steps to improve your life for you, nothing is going to change.

Good luck

noddyholder Thu 11-Apr-13 09:39:00

What area is it in roughly as there are meet ups and you may be near one

skandi1 Thu 11-Apr-13 10:23:37

My last move was when I was 36 weeks pregnant almost 2 years ago.

I don't recommend moving whilst pregnant. It's hormone hell. I think that's part of it for you.

I moved into a house which needed a world of stuff doing to it. We bought it from a couple who had started to refurb it but run out of cash and more or less bust. Essentially we dealt with their bank. So imagine a 200 year old house with leaded windows and needing everything doing and being heavily pregnant with a toddler? Utter madness. And the debacle of going into premature labour the day we completed. Don't ask. Awful doesn't cover it.
Almost two years on and despite the young children in tow, house has had new floors, replumb, rewire, two new bathrooms, a new kitchen and numerous very expensive repairs to leaded windows and completely redecorated. Still a few more things to do and then the outside garden drive etc.

I still don't love the house. I think the stressful move and premature labour tainted it for me but I don't feel anywhere near as bad as I used to about it and I can easily stick it out for longer if needed.

I would suggest that you learn to drive. It will give you freedom in lots of ways. Both now and when the baby arrives. Focus on that and the arrival of your baby. Once your baby is a bit older then see how you feel. And if you could get a little work done before baby arrives ie decorating or new floors that would help you settle in. There is something very calming about choosing new elements for your home. And it's a great distraction too.

Don't feel too down. There are positive steps you can take to improve things and then you can see how you feel in a few months.

Good luck with the new baby. smile

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Thu 11-Apr-13 10:30:26

How far from your family Charli? I know how hard that is...done it!

specialsubject Thu 11-Apr-13 11:07:43

you are very young, but you've decided to have a baby so you clearly think you are mature enough for that. And there's no reason you shouldn't be - but it is time to stop sitting around crying. No-one has died, you have food and shelter and a baby on the way.

your story does flip about -first it was a nice street, now it is a horrible area. ??

take the other suggestions of getting out, getting involved, doing things, get ready for the baby, find local groups etc.

good luck.

Charli1990 Thu 11-Apr-13 11:14:52

Nice STREET area round it not nice I didnt think that was flipping it about.

BeebiesQueen Thu 11-Apr-13 11:17:48

What area is it, mybe we can help find some nice groups? groups people her already go to so you'll have someone to look out for you?

whattodoo Thu 11-Apr-13 11:22:08

Is there a reason you moved so far away from family - eg for work or closer to DP's family?

Have a look on MN Local - there may be done things you fancy getting involved with.

Have you registered with GP yet? Ask your MW to recommend local groups and tell her how you're feeling.

And plan a weekend trip back to your family for some time in next couple of months so you've got something to look forward to.

whattodoo Thu 11-Apr-13 11:22:42

done some

Charli1990 Thu 11-Apr-13 11:23:48

Thank you everyone else for there comments I think that's what I needed to know that its not forever really going to try n put my head down n get on with it my mum keeps telling me that as soon as our baby is here it changes everything and I won't have time to think about stuff all the time. My mum knew I wasn't going to settle here n tried to tell me without being harsh but she knew id have to make my own mistakes n its a very big 1 only I can fix I haven't cried today so hopefully that's something good. Thanks again everyone x

whattodoo Thu 11-Apr-13 11:27:49

Charlie your Mum is a wise woman!

You'll find your feet and settle. But please try to find some groups or activities outside the home. It's very easy to feel trapped at home when you've got a newborn and it won't do you, your baby or your relationship any good.

Badvoc Thu 11-Apr-13 11:31:57

I do feel for you op.
However, nice the baby is here it will be different.
All houses need work done (trust me!) and it's an ongoing process.
I think it might help if you try and join some antenatal groups and try and build up a support network before baby arrives.
Good luck x

Charli1990 Thu 11-Apr-13 11:32:13

Its in Edinburgh near baberton but so close to wester hails that's what I hate about it everyone has scared me saying how awful it is I didn't realise how close it was to that area it doesn't help im scared of my own shadow yeah I know grow up eh. Trying to save like mad to do a intensive driving course hopefully that helps. Not registered yet thats something that needs done this week. Hopefully make some new friends. We moved because of my partners work to be close to it. Just wish we had done it more inbetween hindsight what a amazing thing x

Badvoc Thu 11-Apr-13 11:35:15

Yes it is, and you can't alter the past, but you can alter the future for the better!
Learning to drive is def a good start!

piprabbit Thu 11-Apr-13 11:36:20

What was the reason for moving 2.5 hours away from your family? That's a long way and your DP must have had a reason for choosing the area. Is it work-related, is there some connection to your new area which will make it hard to move back to your family even if you do sell your house?

I so glad to hear you haven't cried today, perhaps it is the first of many happier days?

Before making the huge decision to move again, perhaps it would be worthwhile trying build some links in your new community. Perhaps find an antenatal class or track down your local children's centre and see what they have going on (they often have support groups especially for young mums). Your local NCT branch search here will probably have a Bumps and Babies coffee morning too.

MisForMumNotMaid Thu 11-Apr-13 11:39:31

Horrible area is an interesting one and one its important to put in perspective and soon.

What is it that makes you feel the area is horrid? Is it the lack of shop, that you don't know people, that you are unfamiliar with it?

Have there been actual crimes and real risks to you going out in the area since you've moved in?

The reason I ask is because of something in my past sometimes I become intimidated at the prospect of going out. I make what are plausible excuses to excuse my behaviour to myself, the fact they are not actually fact based is not relevant to my mind. It can become a vicious circle that is very self defeating.

Is there a medical reason that over time you couldn't learn to drive so that there is long term hope of increased mobility where ever you live longterm? What are the public transport systems like by you? What about occasional taxis - a once a week trip to browse baby stuff (even if its just window shopping) in a town? Alternatively could your DH drop you to town one day a week and you taxi/ bus back?

The most important thing I find is not to let the house become a self imposed prison.

Have you joined any pregnancy groups? Many people find life long friends at these. Not every group is for every person but your midwife should be able to let you know what's in the area, they may even introduce you to someone nearby who could give you a lift if you explain the situation.

If your husband works near where you live and your mum is 2+ hours away, neither of you drive what is the realistic chance of finding yourself in a property in walking distance of your mum?

Do you have space that your mum/ a sibling/ a good friend could stay for a week or two to go to groups with you the first time and walk the dog with you to build your confidence that firstly you can do it and secondly that it isn't so scary?

jennywren45 Thu 11-Apr-13 17:24:12

Are you on the deeds? That is shouting out at me as you are pregnant, unmarried and isolated away from family.

soundevenfruity Fri 12-Apr-13 12:01:04

Well, it's not the area, is it? You are very close to your family and your mum is your friend. Can buying a house far away from them and having a baby be just a way of saying "we are a family now and I am your priority"? How are his relationships with his family? If you had episodes of depression before then your partner must be aware of this fact. Having a baby normally strengthens your relationships with your mother as now you will understand her more. I don't think he is doing it intentionally but I would take it as a warning sign.

Charli1990 Fri 12-Apr-13 12:42:07

How do I delete this post? I was looking more for reassurance and advice more than getting told how bad my life is and how stupid I am. No wonder this website was recently criticised for how mean people can be and how rude. My own fault for putting it up on the first place. Its 2013 yet I have still got the unmarried comment how nice. How nice it must be to live in some of your amazing judgemental lifes. Will definitely never use this website again

nancerama Fri 12-Apr-13 12:48:54

Charli, I think you misunderstand. Nobody is criticising your choices, but a few people are concerned at you being isolated from your family and not having financial protection if things go wrong.

If you were married and anything went wrong in your relationship, you would be entitled to half the property. If you are unmarried you don't have that protection.

Badvoc Fri 12-Apr-13 12:50:00

Gosh op.
You sound very immature.
You have had some great advice on this thread.
If you don't want to follow it, fine.
But - tip for the future - dont ask for advice * on a public forum* and then get irate because people dont tell you what you want to hear!

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Fri 12-Apr-13 12:55:20

Charli the person who mentioned you not being married is worried about your situation in terms of you not being entitled to the house if you split up.

If your name is on the deeds then it's fine...if not then you're in a vulnerable position as you have NO claim to the house at all.

Floggingmolly Fri 12-Apr-13 12:57:15

He bought a house, and a week later realised it was a huge mistake? Is he always this impulsive? hmm

Badvoc Fri 12-Apr-13 12:58:59

You can ask MNHQ to delete the thread btw.
E mail them.

TheRealFellatio Fri 12-Apr-13 12:59:26

Oh dear. That went well then. confused

DonCorleYoni Fri 12-Apr-13 13:00:26

That's a real shame Charli, no-one has been rude or mean, far from it. They've all been kind and helpful. You are reading between the lines and seeing things that aren't there.
Think about the advice from these people, they are trying to protect you, that's all.

Hi Charli

Hope your ok? if you need to chat just PM me.
i can totally understand you feel isolated i felt that way just after my daughter was born.
I'm in London so that is quite far away as i was going to offer to meet up for a chat.

xx

jennywren45 Fri 12-Apr-13 14:08:22

I couldn't care a fig if people are married it is all about you having legal protection.

If "he" signed the papers and you didn't that would suggest to me you have no ownership of the house.

That fact added to being unmarried, pregnant and away from family puts you in a very, very vulnerable position.

formicaqueen Fri 12-Apr-13 14:24:02

Emotions will be running high while heavily pregnant and you will feel you need your family more then you actually do at the moment - first baby and everything. That feeling will pass though. It will be fine once you have friends and are a part of a social network/various activity groups.

Can you talk to your midwife about meeting other first time pregnant mums? Tell the midwife that you feel isolated. She will help. Two hours to family isn't too bad really but probably a big jump for you right now if you are used to actually living with parents. See the move as short term and have an agreed target move date (2015?) - or the year before child starts school? The present living situations isn't forever, you could just see them as temporary and make the most of the here and now.

Right now you need to take stock and see the positives for your child's sake. You need to try and be happy so your child can be happy. Baby will pick up on all your emotions. So what can you be grateful for? Being with your loving partner, having a scrummy baby. What nice things are there in your environment? Try to change the way you look at things. Put a positive spin on things.

jennywren45 Fri 12-Apr-13 14:27:21

And get your name on the deeds, urgently.

flow4 Fri 12-Apr-13 19:40:27

Charli it sounds to me like you are quite badly depressed. It might 'just' be the hormones, or it might be a longer-term depression - but whatever, you're unhappy and vulnerable and stressed, and that's a horrible way to be feeling. sad I think you should go and see your new GP (I realise you will have had to change doctors too) and have a chat about how you're feeling... It might be that they can refer you to some counselling, which is definitely a good idea, since you haven't got many people around you to talk to at the mo. I've had counselling a couple of times and it has been very useful.

You've got lots of very real reasons to feel stressed - moving house, moving away from your mum and your other social support, being pregnant - these are all really stressful. If you don't believe me, you might find this life events stress test useful.
Also, you are (to an old fogey like me, anyway!) very young, which means you'll be dealing with all sorts of things for the very first time ever, which makes it all more difficult. Things do get easier with practice, honest! smile

I think formica's post is full of really useful questions and advice. But don't get too upset by other posts. If you don't find them helpful, just try to ignore them. MN is basically like a roomful of strangers - you'll find some people you like here, and some you really don't... That's how life is too. It can be harder to deal with when you're vulnerable, but it can be really, really useful when you need advice. smile

(And anyone who's inclined to be harsh - please go easy with this OP: she's vulnerable, isolated, young, miserable and possibly depressed. Be kind. smile

coocachoo Tue 21-Jan-14 19:51:03

i feel like u too have moved and hate it and miss family xx

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