Helping DM begin process of relocating, practical and moral support needed!(11 Posts)
My active and fit mum (68) has ummed and erred about relocating to be nearer my sister and me for years. I am expecting DC2 and this has sort of crystallised her decision. However, she sufferes with low level seasonal depression (and general indesicion and glass-half-full outlook) and it is so difficult to find a way to support her in making this move, given we're in the middle of winter.
She is clear about wanting to move, but that sort of where it ends, she just collapses into deflated despondency when she tries to make any decisions about how to move ahead. She seems to have some kind of worry or objection to every step of the way forward; couldn't possibly consider / afford such and such a place, too noisy, garden too small, would prefer a bungalow etc.
She is scared to have her place valued in case she gets an unpleasant surprise (she lives in a bungalow of non-traditional construction, requiring some refurbishment in a lovely spot on the Dorset coast), as this will impact on what she can afford when she moves. She's convinced they are going to say that the house is worthless and that people will only be interested in the plot; naturally for much less money. She's wondering about applying for planning permission for a new house to be constructed on her plot and sell it with a view to potential buyers demolishing her house. Is this necessary?
I am struggling to keep a clear head about it too, I love her place and although I can see the sense of having her here with us (it will be lovely) I worry that she will miss her home and her life and perhaps find it difficult to put down new roots in a new place.
There are so many issues at play here, but my primary request is for a bullet-pointed list of what to do to roll her ball forward with sensitivity. I'm still happily in my first house so I don't have the experience of selling I feel I need.
Anyone moved aging parents?
First thing really is to get a valuation...or several actually...and appoint someone to sell. Would she need to tie in sale/purchase or would she rent/move in with you or sister if an overlap. Once you have a valuation maybe this will help clarify your mother's mind a bit.
Then start the selling process if you decide to go ahead. Appoint you preferred estate agent (see other thread on here and maybe search archive) and decide if she wants to start looking now or wait til she has accepted an offer.
Think about solicitors...if she has a non standard house then try and maybe find solicitor with some experience of this? Will she need to downsize...in which case think about decluttering.
No idea how helpful this is but feeling for you and didn't want to leave you unanswered.
As a matter of interest do you know what the property is constructed of?
Hi there, and thank you so much for taking the time to respond (I've been out of reach in surprise holiday cottage so haven't had a chance to check in ). Fishfingers, that sounds a really good start. I am on my way down to spend a few days soon so will try to sit down with her and make a "tiny steps" plan, making sure none of the steps seem too big or intimidating. Wizard, I am not sure what the type of construction is called, but I know it has been a bone of contention as she bought it as a cash buyer and as she was not strictly required to, did not appoint an independent surveyor, but used a builder friend who, while pointing out lots of useful stuff, failed to mention / draw attention to the fact that it was a non-traditional structure. So inspite of it being lovely, she's always felt she bought a pup... . I wish you both a happy new year and thanks again for your time.
I would speak with a few estate agents. If it has non standard construction then the issue wil be someone else not getting a mortgage on it. Getting planning persmission for a new build can be quite quick (I am doing this for my house) and will add value. This few steps are all "armchair/paperwork" exercises, which does not determine a move immediately. We moved my mother inlaw recently and she has never looked back - but we took complete control. She would not have had a clue. If you can make sure you meet with all of the agents so that she is not taken advantage of.
Could she let it out for a year, and rent near you, so she can change her mind?
Regarding your mothers indecision, I would take this seriously. What does she do with her days at the moment? When my mother moved from Hampshire to be with us in Yorkshire she had a really active life, she gardened at the local hospice, had an allotment that had been my grandfathers previously, had friends from her whole life in that area. When she moved to be near us, again she took an active role in the local community, joining the local community gardening scheme, the oap walking group, sports centre, the live at home group etc inbetween looking after her grandson and travelling locally and internationally However we then moved abroad and she started to say she had no real friends, just people in passing and to be honest I think that was partly her manner (very overbearing) and the fact it does take along time to build new deep friendships. IMVHO all this needs adressing before she begins the move.
Having said that no harm in having valuations and def as the other poster says consider renting it out to see if she settles.
Good luck with it.
I'm going to lurk here if that is okay. I think my parents are about to separate (again) get on with her life, particularly with moving to the country. Hmm.
Whereabouts (vaguely) in Dorset? May be able to give you some indication of how it may sell.
Good evening! I have just returned from my mum's and I must thank you all again, some of your thoughts and advice has been so valuable. We have explored in much more depth how she feels about this move, Medals, and I think we both feel more comfortable with the possibility that it will hold both delights and disappointments; I so want it be just right for her, and want to 'protect' her from any regrets she may have, she on the other hand is expecting it to be lots of hard work and daren't quite look forward to it, although she is now certain it is what she wants. It feels as if we are starting out on a much more realistic common ground. Gold, we have spoken about letting it out before, as summer lets in particular are rather sought after in this area, but she feels it would be too much of a responsibility to become a landlord. But I agree that it could have been a sensible way to explore options without having to commit.
The bungalow is a single skin concrete construction, with a wooden framed roof, Wizard and is situated just outside Lyme Regis, DorsetKnob, with a small garage and a fairly large garden.
We have agreed that we will look for a time in the January / February diary when either my sister or I (or both) will be able to go to stay with her and invite the three main estate agents in the area to come and have a nose around and give us a ballpark figure, as this will enable us to begin to think about what she may be able to afford our end. Does anyone know if it is best to let the estate agents see it in its "natural state", or should we get out our paint pots out and spruce it up a little before hand?
Let the agents see it as it is (clean & tidy, though) & ask their advice re sprucing up or not.
Any agent that asks you what price you want/are thinking of - send them on their bikes. It is their job to give you a realistic price.
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