My child is being bullied and threatend by another parent on school grounds/property and head teacher is not doing anything

(70 Posts)
honestyismybond1 Mon 16-Dec-13 23:31:14

Ok trying to stay calm! My child goes to an amazing school where for 5 years we have never had one single problem with any other child,parent or staff.I know we have been very lucky.Sadly a fellow parent who joined the school later on has a daughter in the same class.To put it kindly this parent has a very aggresive nature but daughter is pretty harmless.Many parents have warned me about this parent and requested to move class just to avoid her.I should have listerned but we had not had any direct problems.My child used to have speech problems but they went several years ago.Anyway one night last week my D came out of school white as a sheet,shaking with distorted speech.This disgusting parent had gone into the cloak room screaming at my D and pointing in her face backing her up against the wall.
I took my D straight to see the head who was'nt around so advised see the morning.I sent a very blunt but polite email to the head asking for serious action.Head replied saying would be speaking to the crazy mum and telling her she would be banned if this ever happend again.I went to see him in person and thought I was in the twilight zone.Head totally played it down saying we all get a bit stressed at Xmas!When I brought up previous agression issues parent has had with others that I & many other had witnessed he acted like I was agressive one for bringing it up.I asked if he could stop parent coming into contact with my d who is scared stiff of her and he said he would try!Crazy parent now pushes past my child everyday and stands in cloakroom fixated on my child.No parents are even ment to go in there.This parent now travels out if her way to go the same route as us to school.I have explained all this to head.but all he says is I will talk to her! My D loves school and has always been so happy is now beging me not to go into school.Head says unless Crazy mum admits it he can not do a thing.So many children placed her there who head as spoken to! I feel so useless!

I'd confront the parent about their unpleasant behaviour and if they get aggressive with you then call the police and report them.

There's no excuse ever to get in someone's face

Put your issues in writing/email. Suggest what you would like to see done (maybe no access to the cloakroom for starters). Set a date when you expect to hear back from him, after which you will escalate the issue to the Board of Governors as per the schools complaints procedure.

If the person confronts you aggressively away from school - then you should contact the police.

kowab Tue 17-Dec-13 04:44:09

I would contact the police now.

Rosa Tue 17-Dec-13 05:11:53

Do you know the reason why this parent has gone 'crazy' at your daughter and picked her out ?

Oblomov Tue 17-Dec-13 05:59:12

Crazy parent pushes past dd?
This is mad. No parent should be in the cloakroom. I can't believe that Head is so weak.

Lonecatwithkitten Tue 17-Dec-13 06:33:10

Write to the head,but focus only on the incident with your DD and leave out stuff with other people (will be seen as here say and will weaken your arugment).

VivaLeBeaver Tue 17-Dec-13 06:41:00

See the head again and quote safeguarding. Ask for the Name of head of governors and write to them. Write to ofsted and lea saying the school is not keeping your child safe.

Contact the police. If this woman has pushed your dd then its assault.

I had similar when my dd was in year six. Another parent pushed my dd and another girl against a wall and screamed abuse. The head downplayed it at first and I went crazy. By the next day I'd got the parent banned from the school grounds. I also got the police involved and they went round to see her.

VivaLeBeaver Tue 17-Dec-13 06:42:39

And if crazy parent is going in cloakroom every day can't you follow her in and be there as well?

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth Tue 17-Dec-13 06:46:10

I agree with the previous poster, seek advice from the police. She's pushed your daughter - assault? They need to pay her a visit and warn her in no uncertain terms. Re the head teacher, a letter to the local authority and ofsted asap. He's scared of the woman too it seems. What kind of person carries out a campaign of hate against a child? Awful

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth Tue 17-Dec-13 06:48:16

X post with viva. Absolutely do everything she says

OddBoots Tue 17-Dec-13 06:51:21

VivaLeBeaver has got it right, I hope they sort this out, it sounds like a horrible situation.

longtallsally2 Tue 17-Dec-13 06:53:58

Email Head again saying that although she hasn't done it again (ie screamed at your child), this parent continues to go into the cloakroom, where parents are not allowed to go, and that your child no longer feels safe at school as a result (key Ofsted criteria). State that the fear is affecting her learning and her health/wellbeing. Ask for reassurance that the Head will ensure your child's safety on school property, and that, as a very minimum, the ban on parents in cloakrooms will be enforced and that he will meet with you again to discuss any further complications (is your daughter happy arriving at and leaving school? Do you always meet her or does she ever have to/want to walk home alone? Copy to Chair of Governors, and say that you are seriously considering further action if a plan cannot be established which manages this situation satisfactorily.

Ofsted/police if things escalate.

How is dd now? It sounds awful for her, but at least you should be able to reassure her that you are onto it and that there are people who will help to keep her safe.

(Hope that this woman gets some help too. She sounds very very disturbed. Her poor dd too.)

longtallsally2 Tue 17-Dec-13 06:55:40

I should have said Ofsted/police if the Head does not respond satisfactorily and quickly, rather than if things escalate. They are bad enough as it is!

Kbear Tue 17-Dec-13 06:56:05

You need to confront this parent in no uncertain terms - "come near my child again, so much as breathe near her and you will be dealing with me" - THAT she will be understand. You need to show your dd bullies will not be tolerated and this women needs a short sharp shock.

but that's just me....

VivaLeBeaver Tue 17-Dec-13 07:31:35

Must admit at the time I wondered if I'd gone overboard with everything I did when it was my dd. but I decided that I'd rather go over the top rather than not do enough. I had to make sure dd was safe and I had to show dd I was doing everything I could to protect her as well.

Ime, schools will do anything for a quiet life. They'd rather they didn't have to deal with stuff like this so they pretend its not as bad as it is, etc.

My situation was rather different as about 20 parents and a TA saw the crazy mum pin dd and her friend against a wall while screaming at them. Once I knew she'd been physical I didn't hesitate in calling the police. Police asked what I wanted done and I said I just wanted them to talk to her and warn her off which they were happy to do. Believe me she didn't cause any more problems.

columngollum Tue 17-Dec-13 08:08:14

Police/restraining order.

tiggytape Tue 17-Dec-13 08:52:02

Agree with the others. Keep your letter / email to the Head factual and only concentrate on what has happened to your child (not what others say about the adult involved) and make it clear you will escalate this if it is not dealt with. At the very least the parent needs to be banned from the school cloakroom.

The Head is wrong to play this down but when you said Many parents have warned me about this parent and requested to move class just to avoid her. it made me wonder if the Head has had dozens of parents coming into complain based purely on rumours.
If a lot of parents have already asked to change classes based on third hand information being passed around the playground, the Head teacher is probably sick of it and sees it as a witch hunt.

That's no excuse to ignore a genuine and very serious incident though and the Head does need to deal with this but the other parents all gossiping about this woman have probably made the Head less tuned into serious / genuine complaints than normal. I hope it gets dealt with quickly for you and your DD - it is appalling behaviour by the other mother and needs resolving.

BananaNotPeelingWell Tue 17-Dec-13 09:07:22

Wowshock Someone needs to be considering that HT's position - he's clearly not up to the job. Good advice here; I'd be following all suggestions mentioned. Your poor ddsad

HSMMaCM Tue 17-Dec-13 09:24:42

This happened to my DD. Her lovely form teacher supervised a couple of morning drop offs in the cloakroom and the other parent was banned from entering the school building. It transferred the problem to the playground, but that was also dealt with effectively by the school.

msvee Tue 17-Dec-13 09:29:39

Why don't you speak to the parent. Id be doing the same to her .

columngollum Tue 17-Dec-13 09:38:55

I think you've got to have cahoonas like a battleship to go up against a mad screaming parent like that!

And how could it work out well, if you did? You'd have to be prepared to deck the woman in the schoolyard if need be. It's not a practical approach.

Elibean Tue 17-Dec-13 09:44:34

I would use my 'cahoonas' to get tough with the school, rather than the parent. There's something wrong if an aggressive parent is allowed into the cloakroom like that hmm

Pagwatch Tue 17-Dec-13 09:57:52

I would be going into the cloakroom with my child if this parent was going in there though. Everytime.

columngollum Tue 17-Dec-13 10:04:44

There needs to be some official solution. If the parents are following each other into the cloakroom that's just a recipe for something bad to happen. (It's just a matter of time.)

my2bundles Tue 17-Dec-13 13:07:17

I would be contacting the police today.

I would do everything by email and get a diary to record all previous meetings, events and outcomes. Also tell the head of he's too busy and Xmas is too stressful then fine but he's left you with no recourse but to escalate to governors and police.

What does form teacher say?

By the time i found out about it it was too late to report a nursery worker assault on my DS. That was 8 years ago and I can still feel furious ab

gamerchick Tue 17-Dec-13 13:16:13

There's no way I would be letting my kid go in there alone. The only way if you're not willing to ring the police is to front her out.

Practice your hard glare in the mirror.. go in with your child and physically see her to the class. Do it everyday and see what happens.

Iris445 Tue 17-Dec-13 13:55:57

I would be pushing this to the governors to deal with. Go back to the head to make a formal complaint ask for a witness, make it as serious as you can.
Quote the safeguarding issue and make it very clear that if they do not stop this parent going into school from tomorrow you will be calling the police and ofsted. Also make it clear that if she starts in the playground you will expect her banned from the grounds.

Your most important job as a parent is to keep your child safe. She's not safe.

Don't speak to the parent it won't end well.

tinytalker Tue 17-Dec-13 14:51:08

Definitely put your case in writing to the Head and send a copy to the Governors, showing at the bottom of the letter that you have cc'd them in.
DO NOT confront the parent! You will then be tarred with the same brush! Go through the proper channels and make the school do something about it or it will escalate outside of school.

Leeds2 Tue 17-Dec-13 15:21:06

I wonder if the Head is scared of her.

mercibucket Tue 17-Dec-13 15:37:43

if she is following you, I would involve the police
if she touched your daughter, I would involve the police
can you arrange to start school early and go through another door so there is no chance of further trouble?

why did the woman fixate on your daughter btw? is there any 'reason'?

pixiepotter Tue 17-Dec-13 16:28:02

Hang on we are only getting half a story here.Why was the parent shouting at your DD? She must think your DD has done something to her child.

columngollum Tue 17-Dec-13 16:29:23

It doesn't matter what the daughter did, does it. Barging in shouting at a child isn't the way forward.

I almost don't care what the provocation was (if it existed at all) - an adult who accesses school premises in order to intimidate a child needs to be dealt with quickly and firmly by the HT. The behaviour is unacceptable whatever the circumstances.

fromparistoberlin Tue 17-Dec-13 16:34:18

I'd try one last time then involve police

or I'd fucking say something to the parent, warn them off. If you ever even fucking LOOK at my kid again....I will involve every leagl measure known to man to get a restraining order to prevent you coming 10 metres from my child

sorry thats really un PC behaviour but sometimes needs must

columngollum Tue 17-Dec-13 16:34:37

And look at the effects that it has had on the OP's daughter. The quicker the mad screaming minnie gets sorted out the better for everybody.

fromparistoberlin Tue 17-Dec-13 16:35:04

do what iris 445 says, and ignore me. threads like this bring out the lion in me

columngollum Tue 17-Dec-13 16:36:44

But, fromparis, threatening people is almost never the way, unless it's a solicitor's letter. Verbal argie-bargie just adds bad crud to an already bad situation.

pixiepotter Tue 17-Dec-13 16:36:45

I am wondering whether the child has some physical or emotional need which is why the parent is allowed to accompany her into the changing room to make sure she is safe?

columngollum Tue 17-Dec-13 16:37:43

The mad screaming mother didn't sound very allowed to me. Sounds more like she just went it.

pixiepotter Tue 17-Dec-13 16:41:22

It is weird though that even after relating to the HT what happened , there are no staff posted there to prevent her or other parents coming in.
I would be interested to know what the mother actually said to OPs DD.She seems to have left that rather salient point out.

sparklysilversequins Tue 17-Dec-13 16:41:59

I would have been up in her face and if it lead to a fight then so be it with her by now blush though I am fully aware that is not the right way to go. You probably don't want to do that but my child would not be going anywhere unaccompanied while that parent was on school grounds.

MrsUptight Tue 17-Dec-13 16:46:47

I'm afraid I'd be working VERY hard to get this woman arrested for assaulting a minor OP...get on with it.

VivaLeBeaver Tue 17-Dec-13 17:43:48

Agree it doesn't matter one jot what the kid may or may not have done.

If you're pissed off with a child's behaviour at school you see the teachers and let them sort it. That's what sane, normal people do anyway.

There is no excuse for an adult screaming at a small child never mind pushing them.

admission Tue 17-Dec-13 18:27:12

Going after the parent will solve nothing, it is likely to aggravate the situation.
The two things that you can do, are firstly to accompany your child to the cloak room to ensure that there is no aggravation between other parent and your child and frankly to make sure that there is a viable complaint that this mother is going into the cloak room.
If it is clear that the other mother is going into the cloakroom, then secondly you have a legitimate complaint to be made to the head teacher about her being allowed in the cloak room - not about her antics, unless something else happens.
You need to put it in writing and say that it is an official complaint. You also need to establish what the schools complaints procedure says. I would expect it to say that the head teacher has to investigate any complaint and to come back to you in writing with an answer. The answer may well not say what you want it to say, that is the problem is sorted and the parent banned from the cloak room and/ or school. The reason for saying that is that the action between school and other mother is confidential to them, not you. There may be specific reasons why the mother is allowed in the cloak room or it could be that the school are in the process of banning the parent from the school or some kind of injunction involving the parent which you will not be and should not be privy too.
If you are not happy with the written explanation given by the head teacher then you an then escalate the complaint to the Chair of governors.

mumofthemonsters808 Tue 17-Dec-13 21:28:10

I agree with the posters who say not to confront this parent. You are wasting your breath. These type of people can not be reasoned with, all you will get is a barrage of abuse. She will justify her behaviour by throwing numerous accusations at your child. Regardless of what your child may or may not have done there is no excuse for her outrageous behaviour. Follow the official channels as others have suggested, the school have a duty of care towards your child.

We had a parent at our school who confronted every child her daughter fell out with. This was particularly alarming because the children were in year 6 and had no parent to stick up for them because they walked to and from school alone. Many complaints were made and the school actually prevented her from entering the playground. What the school were unable to stop was this woman harassing children on the walk home. Thankfully this parent was not violent but she was intimidating to 10/11 year olds.

honestyismybond1 Wed 18-Dec-13 06:36:38

Thank you all so much for the positive advice.I've not been able to update because i've non-stop been trying to get DD protected.Ok another main issue has now cropped up which explains the lack of action this crazy parent is new to this country and comes from a war torn country and has ISSUES! Crazy parent has let it be known wants to get me on my own to acuse me of racism I guess she is willing to throw this at the school too.A member of staff was placed on the cloakroom but CM still went in there now the HT is now guarding the cloakroom.Since HT is on the cloakroom CM does not go in there.Trust me it has taken every bit of will power I have not to confront her myself but trust me nothing productive would come from it and to honest im a very passive person.Sadly this CM has bullied many other parents and even a teacher but my DD seems to be the first child she has directly bullied.I have cobtacted every member of staff who come into contact with my child to see if DD did anything wrong to explain why DD was targeted by CM but every single person said DD is loving and kind and helps all of the xhildren including CM DD! Once I mentioned I would be contacting police (which I still will to get it logged) and community safety team (which I still might do) school took action and spoke to CM and she was firmly told not to enter cloak room but still did so now HT is on the door) it is early days yet but im taking no chances.I'm now there the second to gate opens to watch over DD and we had to drop out of after school clubs which angers me.If anybody out there is going through this you must must email everything fir records always mention this is a safeguarding issue.Most importantly you must stress the impaxt this is having on your child.My DD who has always loved school now does not want to go,has lack of sleep,keeps crying,very stressed,can't focus on school work.Good luck and my heart goes out to anybody going through this.Thank you all so much!

VivaLeBeaver Wed 18-Dec-13 06:39:39

I would still contact the police.

If this mum still tried to get into the cloakroom after been told not to then it shows she has no respect for the authority of the teachers. She will keep this up. The HT will get bored of been cloakroom monitor and you'll be back at square one. She's assaulted your dd.

honestyismybond1 Wed 18-Dec-13 06:52:11

Hi yes you are right a HT can not continue to do this forever.I rang them and got a crime number but must wait to be contacted to give a statement.Just say huge thank you to you for such fantastic indepth advice.THANK YOU

SMorgauseBordOfChristmasTat Wed 18-Dec-13 06:55:22

Well done, OP.

tiggytape Wed 18-Dec-13 12:05:01

I also think it might be worth talking to your GP - if your DD is very distressed about this, a letter from him to the school saying that the situation is having an adverse affect on her wellbeing may also help. It will also add to the paper trail that you must keep.

I know a lot of contact is face to face, but at the very least keep memory notes of what the HT and the teachers say to you. Next term you won't be able to remember which date exactly CM barged into the cloakroom or what the HT promised she would do but you may need this information if you have to take the complaint higher.

Damnautocorrect Wed 18-Dec-13 12:53:14

Just wanted to say you did the right thing with the police. Vile woman, there is no justification. And I'd tell the ht that their lack of involvement in safe guarding your child on their premises is why you've had to involve the police.

fedup21 Wed 18-Dec-13 16:24:40

Woah-where did the racism come from?

columngollum Wed 18-Dec-13 16:29:03

Missed that. Where's the racism at?

fedup21 Wed 18-Dec-13 16:55:06

On the previous page-where the OP is giving an update. She says the lady is accusing OP of racism?

adoptmama Wed 18-Dec-13 20:24:05

Also had CM doing similar verbal abuse at my DD who had done nothing. Not all actions by adults are reactions - sometimes you really do just have unjustifiable actions which need stopped. Good on you OP but keep up the pressure on the school as they will likely stop all cloakroom monitoring after the holidays if they can. Def. contact the police and have the incident logged and make sure that the action is also logged with the LEA.

honestyismybond1 Thu 19-Dec-13 20:45:09

Update! This is now getting so out of control.The head teacher is new and wants to play the whole thing down to my utter amazement the bullying parent is saying she feel victimised.CM is saying is being falsely accused.Still waiting for police to get intouch.Cloakroom has been unguarded for two nights! CM has been in & out of that cloakroom all week but says she has'nt to the head.I know he knows she has.To be honest will go to GP because it is really
making me sick.This happend weeks ago and today ive only just found out CM was only told this Tuesday to stay out cloakroom.I so confussed I was given the impression CM was told when it happend!I get the strong feeling the governors will be no good because they picked him to be the new head.Community protection team I think is the way to go.This ville woman gets away we utter murder by counter claiming, shouting loudiest and screaming racist and anybody who goes against her.Race has nothing to do witha huge grown woman threatening a child in a tiny confined space.The head had the front to say we can bring in mediators to help you and the mum talk! Once again I had to point out this is an aggressive parent towards a child.The child is the victim.My child is the victim

IDontDoIroning Fri 20-Dec-13 06:55:08

This is a safeguarding issue and the ht must act to ensure the children in the school feel (are?) safe.
Contact him in writing but make sure you make your concerns all about the safeguarding of the children. He can't put an adults needs above that.
If no adults are allowed into the cloakroom (except staff obv) then no adults should be in there - that's not racist or discrimination.
If you aren't happy you should contact your local education authority and ask for the safeguarding officer.

Looksgoodingravy Fri 20-Dec-13 07:27:48

I don't understand why the school let this woman walk into the cloakroom!

Our school has two members of staff at the door in the morning, no parents allowed through, if you need to talk you talk to the staff on the door.

Utterly ridiculous OP, hope you get this sorted.

larrygrylls Fri 20-Dec-13 07:54:08

This seems outrageous to me. I would definitely push the police again. Stalking is now a criminal offence. It also sounds like she is genuinely dangerous and things could escalate. I would write to the head formally complaining about his lack of action so far and copy it to the board of governors. Finally, if you can afford it, and I am aware it is expensive, I would seek leg advice and get the lawyers to write a formal letter to the school.

Best of luck, it sounds like a really horrible situation. I am not sure i would remain as lev headed as you.

I think you now need to bring this to Ofsteds attention. And perhaps health and safety at the council and the lea? Ht is not able to resolve anything. Push the issue with the police.

prh47bridge Fri 20-Dec-13 09:23:55

Keep records of everything. The school's response appears to be grossly inadequate and your child is suffering. I hope it doesn't come to this but if you need to move your child to another school to get away from this woman you will need evidence to show that the school has failed to address the issue properly (indeed, from what you have reported they have failed to address the issue at all).

You need to follow the school's complaints procedure. If you have not already done so make it clear to the head that you are making a formal complaint. If the head still fails to sort it out you should escalate to the Chair of the Governors. Even if this doesn't achieve anything directly it will help you get a place at another school if this becomes necessary.

ThreeTomatoes Fri 20-Dec-13 09:45:54

This sounds so shocking, I would be incandescent if this were my dd, who has always loved school. dd's HT includes a stern note in the newsletter if someone so much as spits in the playground! Whenever there is an incident (there's only been 2 or 3) a very stern letter is sent home to all parents stating categorically that such behaviour will not be tolerated. One time a parent actually physically attacked another parent, the police were called and he was banned from the premises (forever, i think). The HT sent a letter home explaining exactly what had happened (without naming anybody of course) and warned that any such behaviour would be dealt with accordingly. The next day the HT, her deputy, and her brawny male teachers (more sweet & cuddly really, we like them! smile) were out in force at the entrance just in case. I dread to think what the HT would do if any of her pupils were threatened shock!

The doors to the school are always locked (complete with signs stating no parents allowed in) and when they're open (e.g. at pick up time) a teacher stands guard. Reception kids are let out of their building one by one and the other classes come out with their teacher and line up in the playground. Parents aren't allowed in at all unless there is a specific reason, and that would be with a teacher. The office entrance has a foyer and a locked inner door, so you can go round to that entrance if you need to speak to the office staff, with no access into the school. If you pick up from after school club there is a buzzer to be let in.

Just to add, in case it sounds like the school is unwelcoming and closed door-ish (ahem) that's not the case at all - other than the class teachers, the HT and /or deputy HT are in the playground before & after school most days available to speak to, the office staff are all really friendly and welcoming, and assemblies/schools shows etc are all warm and welcoming too.

I hope you manage to get this dealt with properly, OP. Sorry I don't have any advice.

NynaevesSister Fri 20-Dec-13 11:44:42

This behaviour would get a site ban at our school. Less than that even! Am shocked at HT. You need to copy the governing body in on all of this as well. Have you also f

NynaevesSister Fri 20-Dec-13 11:47:03

Followed the complaints procedure for the school? Don't leave them with any wiggle room. This is a safe guarding issue and your daughter is not safe. I cannot understand why the school is trying to get you to mediation instead of addressing this. At a panel hearing this would not go down well.

GoodnessKnows Sat 21-Dec-13 06:25:17

Oh my goodness this us terrible. I feel for your DC. I'd call the Ofsted number. Seriously.

GoodnessKnows Sat 21-Dec-13 06:27:46

That'd make the (stupid) Head get it out of the sand. I worked under a Head (Year 6 teacher) who was terrified of aggressive parents. As a result, there was little discipline in the school and these parents were given a voice at meetings and pacified. It was crap. Bet your head is afraid of being in your DC's position and is hence keeping the parent at arm's length.
Not on.

nennypops Sat 21-Dec-13 08:07:21

How did the original incident happen in the first place without a staff member knowing? Aren't the children supervised or at least within earshot of teachers when they are in there?

ThreeTomatoes Sat 21-Dec-13 10:38:44

Just been reading this thread, different situation (5 yo boy harrassing her 5 yo dd) but it sounds like the mum has done what you could do in this situation too, it's worth a read but in brief, having had a meeting with the HT first, here's what she's now done:

" I have written a letter (which covers 3 pages!) detailing everything from start until now. I have sent this by email to the HT, the Governor responsible for safeguarding, Child protection lady at council, SS [not necessary in your case, this one involved another child OP is concerned about] and Ofsted. I have written on the top of the letter who will be receiving so people know who to contact because it appears some agencies have a hard time linking things together! If i get to speak to an EWO [the OP has kept her dd off school for the last 2 days of term and it's being considered 'unauthorised absence' so an EWO will be contacting her] I will get their email address so I can send it to them too. "

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