DS been in school a week and I've got to go and "discuss his behaviour"

(60 Posts)
aarrgghhwhatdoIdonow Thu 19-Sep-13 21:46:10

My DS has been a school just over a week, only a few days FT and I've had a call tonight asking for a meeting with me.

Tuesday, he was "spoken to" by a senior teacher twice. Once for shoving someone and once for hitting. He told me the second time it was in retaliation to something being done to him that wasn't seen. We done the big talking to, unacceptable behaviour, go and tell an adult etc etc and he was very upset. He lost some privileges, and was told what the consequences would be should it happen again. He had a good day yesterday and came home with a good behaviour certificate. We made a big fuss and gave him back some confiscated items. However, on collection today he tells me he's been naughty, but without any consequences (no bad points). He told me he hurt someone but it was an accident and he said sorry. However, I literally walked through the door, and his teacher rings asking me to go in to "discuss his behaviour". (Going on Monday). We had quite a chat and she told me he shoved someone against a door deliberately and without reason. She suggested he omitted to tell me the full story (he got 4 bad points) as he knew his favourite teddy would be confiscated. When I questioned him, he still denied getting these points but that he was trying to get inside as he was getting wet. Sounds to me like he was being a bit heavy handed and not thinking of others before pushing past.

Again, we had a "I'm disappointed" talk before removal of teddy. He was beside himself and went to bed at 6.15pm - and straight to sleep.

He has been to preschool since a baby so is very used to other kids etc but not so used to the strict discipline that school provides as nursery was crap at discipline.

I'm just so torn. I need to nip this in the bud right now. I want my child to love school and have lots of friends, but its not going well at the moment. I know I need to stamp it out and be tough as he has to learn appropriate behaviour...but its not easy sad.surely the school understand this time is difficult for these kids just starting and that their behaviour may not necessarily be typical of how they will be in a few weeks. Who knows what I am in for when i meet with the teacher on Monday.

Sorry, a bit of a long ramble there. I just feel sad cos he is lovely really

smable Thu 19-Sep-13 21:51:21

Sorry you're having a bad time I've been there and it's horrid, however I think starting school makes children feel a little insucure and taking his favourite teddy isn't going to help is there any other toy you could remove.

smable Thu 19-Sep-13 21:51:51

Sorry you're having a bad time I've been there and it's horrid, however I think starting school makes children feel a little insucure and taking his favourite teddy isn't going to help is there any other toy you could remove.

smable Thu 19-Sep-13 21:52:35

Whoops sorry I'm not great on my phone

RandomMess Thu 19-Sep-13 21:54:29

I agree don't take his teddy away - it's a huge upheaval!!

He could well be really testing the boundaries at school because he is used to the lax discipline at his pre-school.

Loshad Thu 19-Sep-13 21:58:47

Agree don't take his teddy away, that is cruel.
However you do seem to be minimising his bad behaviour in terms of hitting and shoving, presumably other children who have only just started school, and are being thoroughly put off the whole idea by being roughed over.

aarrgghhwhatdoIdonow Thu 19-Sep-13 22:03:28

Well he is certainly testing the boundaries hmm

Well other lost privileges are loss of use of the tablet and DS and that had the desired effect. He was so knackered tonight, it has to be contributing to his behaviour.

Fair point about the teddy but I have to find which buttons to push. No bedtime story is usually enough but not this time! After everything we said on Tuesday and one good day and he's at it again!

aarrgghhwhatdoIdonow Thu 19-Sep-13 22:08:35

Perhaps I'm subconsciously minimising it on here - but certainly not with him. I think I'm trying to get some perspective. And i have said that to him. how would he feel if someone done that to him. Both me and DH think its totally unacceptable and am determined to get it sorted. But its true to say I'm upset to having to be so horrible to him sad

Cat98 Thu 19-Sep-13 22:09:39

I'd go for rewards now for a while, each day he behaves at school or each week he gets a small treat.
Obviously he needs to learn what he's doing isn't acceptable but he sounds like he needs some positive reinforcement for anything 'good' he does, however small.

Panzee Thu 19-Sep-13 22:10:17

I think a week is too soon to have a discussion over his behaviour. I got called in a couple of days in because of various trivial (IMO) things, not hitting or anything like that. I was not exactly supportive of the teachers' approach (far too keen on the sanctions without teaching appropriate behaviour) and told them to give him a chance, it's his first ever week in school. They appeared to be more positive and he is much happier already.

Ask them why they think he is behaving in that way, and what they are doing to encourage positive behaviour. It's way too early to severely punish a shove and a hit, without attempting to teach the good.

RandomMess Thu 19-Sep-13 22:11:05

He is only young though and probably impulsive still. If he is used to being rough and not having consequences for a year then it's going to take time to get used to the change in expectations.

Hopefully the school will work with you to find some strategies that work.

Remind him in the morning about "kind hands" and "being gentle" etc. One of the best things you can do is ask the school what conseqences they want to enforce at school and support the school in that - it could be missing some playtime or having to see the head or something. Often as a parent it is enough to say you are disappointed in their behaviour that day because you know what they have been up to!!! Have a behaviour book where you are informed each day how it has gone so you can celebrate his good days and support school consequences on the bad ones.

SirChenjin Thu 19-Sep-13 22:17:03

You poor thing sad

It sounds as if you are doing the right thing - acknowledging he's crossed the line, had a chat with him, put consequences in place, working with the school.

Wait and see what the school have to say. If they are half decent, they won't want to be heavy handed, but instead will try and work with you to put some behaviour plans in place so that all of you know what you're working towards. You're right, it's an unsettling time, and hopefully they will just want to nip it in the bud and involve you at an early stage - which is positive.

I would go with the positive rewards for good behaviour, along with a huge fuss (as you've been doing) - and please, let him keep his teddy!

aarrgghhwhatdoIdonow Thu 19-Sep-13 22:20:37

Thanks all. I have a special dessert in the fridge which he can have tomorrow after school providing he behaves.

Great idea about the behaviour book. He goes to a CM some days so it means they will tell me (and not her), and he will know I'm being told.

I'm sure it will get better. sad

SirChenjin Thu 19-Sep-13 22:22:57

It will - honestly! He's only little, and still learning. He will be fine smile

When ds1 had a couple of episodes of this kind of behaviour at school, we didn't punish him but gave him a very stern talking to and asked him to make a proper apology to the children concerned. This meant drawing them a picture and writing a note to say sorry. We also spoke about why it's wrong to hurt people and why we were extremely disappointed in him. School were very supportive of this approach, we kept in close contact for a few weeks and reminded him of the behaviour we expected before school for the next few days. It seemed to do the trick and we've had no repeats.

How is your ds's behaviour more generally?

aarrgghhwhatdoIdonow Thu 19-Sep-13 22:31:57

generally he's ok. Enthusiastic, loud, cheeky "typical" boy. Perhaps I haven't been tough enough up till now but at no time have I had any concerns raised (or nursery/preschool) over his behaviour, even though their approach to discipline was a little relaxed IMO.

aarrgghhwhatdoIdonow Thu 19-Sep-13 22:33:56

Thanks everyone. I feel a bit more positive now and a bit more prepared for Monday. Need to toughen up a bit don't I? (but he's still my baby).

Chubfuddler Thu 19-Sep-13 22:36:15

"Bad points" sounds like a dreadful reward system. What on earth are they?

I think you do have to take this seriously but also put it back on the school - it's happening at school, it's all new to him and you're not there at the time. It's up to them to deal with, with your co-operation.

medhandthekiddiesvtheworld Thu 19-Sep-13 22:36:56

These poor children, he is in reception yes?? So he is just finding his feet and you are punishing him hours later, for things that happened in school.

1 *Positive reinforcement, so praise and attention for doing good are far more effective, its for the school, in conjunction with yourself, to find ways to deal with his behaviour in school, not coming down on him like a ton of bricks, I want to cry for him, he is tiny.

2 I would refuse to allow them to discuss his behaviour with the child minder she is not his parent you are!

3 He is already learning to lie to you about what has happened because he fears the punishment - that is a slippery slope you do not want to go down.

He is tired, he is learning a lot, cut him some slack. I am not saying you shouldn't be tackling him but you are totally OTT in what you are doing.

medhandthekiddiesvtheworld Thu 19-Sep-13 22:37:43

also agree with chub, if my little boys school was handing out bad points, then they would soon not be handing them out to mine.

Chubfuddler Thu 19-Sep-13 22:42:18

Doesn't the school use a proper contact book to communicate issues with parents? I don't think hearing second hand via the CM is helping you get a clear picture of what is going on.

My sons school use a traffic light system - everyone starts the day on green. Three warnings for minor naughtiness you move to amber. Next warning onto red. People on red lose golden time. However being on red is not routinely reported to parents unless something pretty bad has occurred (punching, biting, destructiveness, swearing for example).

DIddled Thu 19-Sep-13 22:43:27

Jesus!!! I though you meant he was Y7 not reception!!! I had all this shit with my now 14 year old- it's been a week of school. Go into school, tell them you are trying to resolve but they need to take into consideration that he is still settling in.

I used to break my heart over all the slights directed at my son ( and in directly me) - he has turned into the most lovely , clever balanced young man.

Hugs- hope it gets better - it will x

Chubfuddler Thu 19-Sep-13 22:46:39

Firm, consistent and fair is the only way to deal with little boys op. he'll be fine but make sure his teacher is on board with that and doesn't regard little boys as wild animals like some primary teachers I have encountered.

Mymatetracy Thu 19-Sep-13 22:47:17

I know exactly how you feel! I has this when mine started school 6 yrs ago. It's really tough on both you. In my opinion, school should be dealing with it at school. They've escalated it way too quickly - pulling you in now- they must understand its a big change for your son- he needs time to adjust. You say he's lovely and you've known him longer than school - 2wks?! Let the school deal with what happens in school, at school. When you collect him, ask him if he had a nice day. Talk to him about it but don't continue the punishment at home- it's not fair. He needs your support and love. If you confiscate his teddy/toys for something that happended at school, he'll just see it as unfair. I agree with the other posters, concentrate and reward the positivessmile I would also be firm with them on Monday that you will support the school, but expect hem to deal with behaviour in school, and you do not expect them to be constantly phoning you to tell you the events of the day, unless very serious. Sorry for the ramble, but we had an awful time with a very strict and unreasonable schoolsad you need to nip it in the bud with school as before long, other parents will ostracise you or your son through an overreaction from school sad ps it's not in warrington is it ?!

cazzybabs Thu 19-Sep-13 22:51:42

As a reception teacher .. i might ask to see a parent at this early stage to support the child... I would want to know if this behaviour has been seen before and what statergies worked before. Don't take it as a negative... see it as the school wanting to work with you and do the best for your child. FWI as a teacher I hate asking parents to see me as much as they probably hate seeing me.

Mymatetracy Thu 19-Sep-13 22:55:28

Forgot to say, dont worry , enjoy the early years. Wish I'd not listened to our school - putting all that doubt and worry in your mind- mine has turned out fine smile and I'm sure yours will too smile hugs

Blu Thu 19-Sep-13 22:59:01

What Medhandhtekids said.

Poor child - his first weeks at school must seem like being batted back and forth between two sets of adults being cross and upset with him.

I would try and encourage gentleness with lots of positive affirmation - if he cares about his teddy he can be gentle and care about other children. Spend lots of time with him, don't withdraw theclosest times like stories in his first week at school. Make hism feel as secure as possible. Lots of kids find starting Reception very tiring even if the have been in nursery, and he may be making himself feel brave by being extra assertive physically.

mummytime Thu 19-Sep-13 23:20:37

I would want to speak to his teacher too.

I really don't believe in double punishing children. Any punishment should be straight away, that means in school by the teacher. I do re-enforce when I am disappointed, but I don't punish out of school for things which happen in school on the whole, and definitely at this age.
Positive re-enforcement works better at this age anyway.

Questions I would want answered: how do they handle his behaviour? What consequences are there? What do they want you to do? (You cannot control his behaviour because you are not there.)

How experienced is his teacher? Is this a good school for boys? Is it a private school?

Periwinkle007 Fri 20-Sep-13 11:15:48

she quite probably wants to find out if this is how he normally behaves, did he do this at preschool or at home so that she will know if it is due to him being unsettled/not thinking/accidents etc or if she needs to be thinking this might be something he genuinely has a long term problem with.

Give the teacher a chance, I would rather a teacher spoke to me early about something like that and wanted to find out the whole picture of my child as an individual and whatever they might be dealing with so that she could help him. That is how I would see it anyway.

cakebar Fri 20-Sep-13 13:33:06

I think naughtiness at school should be punished at school and I don't double punish. I don't want my kids to be afraid of telling me what has happened that day and I think home should be a safe, happy refuge. Then they can start again the next day if necessary.

I don't think his behaviour is unusual, surely school should just get on with dealing with it.

NotCitrus Fri 20-Sep-13 13:58:41

My ds has just had a week of school too. He's probably exhausted and finding it hard work figuring out what to do all the time and trying not to get trodden on etc. I think for the next few weeks at least, making home as nice as possible and letting school worry about behaviour there would be best - along with early nights, not as a punishment, just recognising that school is tiring.

I got asked to speak to the teacher on day 3 - they are coming up with ways to try to get ds to eat lunch. He seems happy at least - hope your little boy settles in soon.

aghteens Fri 20-Sep-13 14:02:27

He sounds as though he's very tired - this certainly won't help so maybe some really early bedtimes for a while.
Star chart/behaviour book or whatever also sounds lke a good idea. Has he started at a school where he doesn't know the other children? If so, I'd try a few playdates to help him to get to know them better.

burberryqueen Fri 20-Sep-13 14:02:31

taking away his teddy was a bit mean IMO

CottonWoolCandy Fri 20-Sep-13 18:26:03

No solutions but I'm in the exact same situation (except we contacted the teacher first because the behaviour was so out of character for ds and I didn't want it to develop into a habit or for the teacher to think it was usual). So have some flowers and here's hoping our dcs settle.

mummytime do you think there are some schools that are better at dealing with boys than others? I must admit, I have been wondering if that is part of the problem with our school.

aarrgghhwhatdoIdonow Fri 20-Sep-13 18:33:47

Hi all,thanks for all the comments and suggestions. Been at work all day and just read through.

I NC for this post as for some reason I am embarrassed - almost like its my fault, or I am the only one with a DS like this etc, so didn't explain the reward system at school very well in fear of outing myself as it's different to any others I have read about. But suffice to say, they don't call it "bad points" they just have positive and negative "points" which they give the DCs, the numbers of which vary on the deed, and the punishment/reward depends on the number attained.

Yes he is only 4.6, absolutely knackered, knows no-one else at school, big shock to the system etc etc so how bad do I feel sad. He can be very cheeky and not take me seriously sometimes so when we were having our stern talk Tuesday, I told him what would happen next time he repeated behaviour like that (teddy), as I knew that would make him sit up and listen, but as you know, he then fibbed to me so I wouldn't do it, which meant I had to go through with it last night so he knew I was being serious. After I left him sobbing, I went and done exactly the same thing, as I felt so awful.

Getting a call from school made me feel like I was 15 again and also that I've got this little shit of a child that needs "dealing with", when actually, that is not the case.

I came here to get some context and perspective, both of which I got, and with some really useful comments and suggestions, and when I speak to his teacher, I will feel much more in control and be able to put his point of view as well as my own.

Today, he has been good, had a word with his teacher, said sorry, and come home to a very relieved mum and dad, who gave him teddy back and then his special treat for being good. He has been told how pleased we are with him and that every time he is good at school he will get a sticker and if he gets one every day, he will get a treat at the weekend.

And hopefully, his teacher and I can work out some strategies for this point forward.

What a bloody nightmare (my DD has been at school 3 years and I've never had anything like this).

Now where is that wine.....?

aarrgghhwhatdoIdonow Fri 20-Sep-13 18:43:17

[Cake] and wine to the others going through this as well.

Is it a boy thing do you think?

aarrgghhwhatdoIdonow Fri 20-Sep-13 18:46:00

Sorry mummytime, lovely school, young teacher (but they are all young compared to me), state school

JohnnyUtah Fri 20-Sep-13 18:47:49

No. And you need to drop the "typical boy" idea. He needs to behave as well as your DD, boys aren't an alien species. (I have two, much older than yours.)

yetanotheranothername Fri 20-Sep-13 19:06:32

Watching and hand holding with interest because in exactly the same position with DS who's just started reception! (also name changed). Also have a DD who's been there for a couple of years with absolutely no problems whatsoever! I did anticipate that we'd have a few 'issues' and so did discuss it with his teacher at the home visit but it's still horrible when you get the 'can I have a word'....
It's interesting to hear view on 'punishments'. I know I'm guilty of punishing at home too much when it has been dealt with at school (usually no tv etc) and I think I also go on to him too much about why he's done what he'd done etc so he eventually zones out.

Re the boy thing - I know they have to behave as well as girls but I definitely think that the way some of them play (I know- a massive generalisation)- superheroes, knights etc does lead to more problems in playgrounds in particular. DS loves playing games where he is 'fighting baddies' and they all end up getting carried away -(nursery had to ban it). As a generalisation DD and her friends are playing cats cradle, skipping etc and the boys are tearing around and the little ones get over excited with all the bigger children around. DS in particular wants to play with all of DDs friend that he knows which also causes problems as he is becoming a bit of a pest...

Anyway- here's to a relaxing weekend and a better week next week wine

Blu Fri 20-Sep-13 19:21:00

No, no, you are not the troublematic mum with a 'little shit' or any such thing. It's all normal, so far.

It sounds as if the starting school thing has got to you all a bit.

Have a relaxiing weekend, give him lots of affirmation (in a subtle kind of way, not rewards or a big hoo ha) when he is polite and helpful and kind, and enjoy yourselves.

davidjrmum Fri 20-Sep-13 19:29:37

We have 2 older girls and a boy. We definitely found it different when our little boy started school. There seems to be a lot more rough and tumble and it's a difficult balance I think for little boys to do enough to show that they won't be pushed about but not be seen as being aggressive themselves. Our little boy seemed to come home covered in mud every day for the first month he was in school because someone had "pushed him over". He toughened up quite a bit over the first term which in some ways seems a shame - why should he need to toughen up at age 5. When we had his 6th birthday earlier this year it was completely different from birthdays for our girls. Pass the parcel quickly descended into who could throw the parcel hardest at whom (game quickly over!) and we spent a lot of time just trying to keep control. I could see why he needs to hold his own in the playground. Having said that I'm hoping that having a boy this time means that we won't go through that awful age 8/9 stage with girls where they start getting into little cliques and falling out all the time!

lljkk Fri 20-Sep-13 19:42:47

Lots of boys kids have bad start to reception. You just have to work thru it. I'll spare you DS's horror story.

AbbyR1973 Fri 20-Sep-13 22:13:38

Re punishments for misdemeanours at school, I usually talk to them about what happened at school, make it clear that it's not acceptable. No further punishment is issued at home except I insist that the apologise to their teacher immediately on arriving at school the next day. Indeed there was one occasion last year when DS was rude to his teacher, and when he got home I made him write a letter of apology. He has been absolutely good as gold ever since (touch wood.)

namechangeforareasonablereason Fri 20-Sep-13 23:57:49

I have reread your post, if I found out that DS school was handing our negative points, of any sort, no matter how they put it - I would go ballastic, exactly is if he was losing play time.

Positive rewards is way more effective for children, negative points, 4 years old first weeks in school - makes me so ANGRY on behalf of these children.

On the teddy note, can I say, I know that there is a school of thought that says that you shouldn't say a punishment you don't keep, (and I don't think 4 year olds should be punished), but there is nothing wrong with saying "daddy and I have had a think and we think we were wrong to threaten to take away teddy, it was a mistake". Going through with it - especially if it made you cry - was wrong!

Do you want him to learn to behave because he wants to be nice or because he is scared you are going to take something he loves away. And it is good to teach them it is ok to admit to a mistake or being wrong, that even grown ups aren't right all the time.

There is a fantastic website if you are interested - AHA Parenting. here if you like their FB page you get bite sized chunks pop up.

I find rough housing really effective with mine here

We have it instilled in us that we want our children to be "good", to "behave", to "co-operate", but they are still babies at 4. I want mine to want to be kind because it makes them feel good to be nice.

I am not perfect, I shout at them at times, I lose my temper (like I did last night with DD when she wouldn't, just wouldn't go to sleep), but I apologise, the next day I told her, mummy was wrong, mummy was unkind and mummy feels sad because I know I shouldn't have shouted at you. Later on at bed time we talked about going to bed, but it was way more important to me that she knew I had made a mistake and no-one has the right to lose their temper and shout at her.

Gentle Parenting is a different way of parenting, I have heard it called lazy parenting and the world has this idea we let our children run riot, but it takes a lot more thinking to parent this way.

That was very long and I know a lot of people dismiss it as hippy nonsense, I just thought you may be interested - I am not saying its the best way, or the only way, just because it works for my family it may not work for yours, - so I hope you take it in the spirit it is intended.

mummytime Sat 21-Sep-13 07:44:31

The boy - girl thing. Most boys need to run around madly at least some of the day, and may have a smaller personal space than adults expect, so "bump" into each other more. Most girls are a bit better at social cues, and sitting quietly.
Therefore in some schools most girls can seem "better" behaved than boys.
I have a DS and two DD, at least my DS and one of my DD are not very "typical". However even my DS who is lively but finds soccer too rough really, has got into trouble for not sitting quietly at school. My non-typical DD has got into trouble for behaviour that was described as "more usual in a boy". And they all attend/attended a school which was good for boys, and has activities such as whole school exercise after sitting still in assembly.

The draw back of girl culture in school is they can look "as good as gold" but there can be far more subtle "nastiness" going on. Where as usually with boys it's more inclusive (at this age) and if someone is mean its more obvious to supervising adults.

roisin Sat 21-Sep-13 08:05:03

Yes, I don't agree with double punishing either. School is school; home is home. BUT it is extremely helpful if school keep you closely informed of what's going on, especially if he may tell lies to you.

We had a very wobbly start when ds1 started school; but school took it very seriously, dealt with it very seriously and he soon cottoned on to the expectations. (He's 16 now and has had very good behaviour record and excellent results for over 10 years now!)

Home-school communication is key. When he'd been good for a bit and met his targets, the Head Teacher invited him to have a biscuit in her office and gave him a special sticker. When he came home he was thrilled and said "No-one else in my class has a special HT award sticker. Now, to get another one all I have to do is be really naughty again and then be good for a bit." ... :-o :-o I was astonished and appalled by his logic, but let the school know immediately, so they nipped that in the bud immediately!

louby44 Sat 21-Sep-13 09:06:26

I'm a Reception teacher too and certainly agree with crazzybabs. I currently have 3 children (2 boys, 1 girl ) in my class who need lots of encouragement and positive reinforcement to behave appropriately.

Lots of talking about rules and expectations, constant modelling behaviour and pointing out of other children behaving correctly is slowly beginning to work. Although 1 boy I feel has further issues that will need addressing.

We too use the traffic light system (Going for Green) and it does work, along with lots of stickers and other rewards along the way.

School is a BIG change, even if kids have been to fulltime nursery school is very different, loads of things to learn and adapt to.

I'm sure the meeting will go well and the teacher will help you and your son to make school life more enjoyable.

Helpyourself Sat 21-Sep-13 09:15:22

Please stop the typical boy excuses. Is he getting enough exercise? He sounds frustrated. And he doesn't need to be on a tablet or a ds at his age.
Is there anyway you can maximise the time you're with him over the next few weeks? Time this weekend and at school drop off ad pick ups?
flowers be kind to yourselves at the same time as reinforcing the being kind and not physical rules.

squiddle Sat 21-Sep-13 09:25:21

As a mum of girls I only see this from an outside perspective. Some friends with boisterous boys have experienced the same as you. The one who has managed it best recognised her son's very physical nature and took him for a run around the park BEFORE school (and after for that matter).

starlight1234 Sat 21-Sep-13 21:42:44

just another point of view...I tell my son who is now yr 2..he can talk to me about anything that has happened in school..he has been told off. moved down .I will chat to him about how he could of handled it differently or improve but he has already been punished at school..He does know however if I am called in that is a different matter as the school are asking me to be involved..

Starting reception is exhausting and he is likely to settle down.. He does need to learnt things such as keeping your hands to yourself and kind words. but needs to know his mummy loves him no matter how hard school is..

campion Sat 21-Sep-13 23:48:49

My DS2 found out that if he leant heavily on smaller classmates they sometimes fell over blush He was one of the youngest in the class and I think he found it hard to fit in.

His lovely reception teacher had a word, told me not to worry too much, just wanted us in the loop.We had a chat with him along the lines of not a friendly
thing to do, he would be upset if it happened to him etc and not to do it.Getting cross would have been pointless.He stopped doing it and settled in.

They're babies at 4.Negative points?I doubt even the army would use that as a training technique.

tiredaftertwo Sun 22-Sep-13 00:07:09

Try not to worry OP, this sounds very impulsive. I've got much older dc, and I really would not double punish. It is up to the school, you back them of course, praise good behaviour but don't withdraw comfort or affection at home. He may need to be treated like a younger child for a while. I'd go easy on the stickering too - on Monday morning, the weekend is a loooong way away to a little boy finding reception difficult.

I can imagine how you feel, and of course one's instinct is to Do Something to sort the problem out. But I would try not to. He probably needs a bit of time, security, sleep and happy relaxed times at home. I'd get him to tell you briefly what has happened, discuss what he could have done to avoid getting into trouble, reassure him without condoning his behaviour, and change the subject. Be gentle and positive - he is much more likely to copy that in the heat of the moment than remember some sticker scheme. The message to get across - and it is not easy - is that he must not hurt other people and the school is right to stop that - but that you will always listen to, and try to see, his point of view.

aarrgghhwhatdoIdonow Sun 22-Sep-13 10:42:27

Just caught up with this....thanks for all your comments,videas and opinions. Given me lots to think about. He certainly gets lots of exercise as, like my dog.....and others DSs on here, he needs to run off energy every day otherwise he would be 10 times worse. DD by contrast has to be dragged away from her arts & crafts or books. So although many don't see differences between girls and boys, they do seem to be in this house.

We have had a very relaxing weekend with lots of cuddles and gentle chat about being kind to others and how rough play isn't always nice. Tiredness is playing a part as after 2 lazy days, he is a lovely little boy again.

We will see what this week brings .

SirChenjin Sun 22-Sep-13 10:45:49

Good luck tomorrow - keep us posted? Remember that the school is (or should be) just looking to flag this up to you sooner rather than later and put something in place to help him that makes everyone happy smile

aarrgghhwhatdoIdonow Mon 23-Sep-13 21:56:48

Hi, just to update, DS behaved today and his teacher and I had a very positive meeting after school. She will only feedback to me and not CM and we will have a book which she will let me know each day how he has been. I do feel if he knows I am being told about his behaviour, it will help. I told her that she must punish (big strong word but ykwim) any bad behaviour but I won't be doing so as well. I will however support and reinforce their rules. DS came in then and we spoke to him together and he was ok.

It sounds like he is beginning to settle and needs to learn to calm down a bit. She did say my DS is not the only one, and how nice it is to speak to a parent who is prepared to work with her. Thanks guys, I really appreciate your comments and suggestions and help me view this from a different point of view than my emotions. Fingers crossed the good behaviour continues.

aarrgghhwhatdoIdonow Mon 23-Sep-13 21:57:47

bit of a strong word * I meant

roisin Tue 24-Sep-13 08:29:31

That sounds like a brilliant and very positive meeting. Well done and fingers crossed for a good week for ds.

BlastOff Tue 24-Sep-13 10:41:14

Can I just come in as the mother of an also lovely little boy who loved his first week of school until a boy started pushing, kicking, and shoving him.

I felt relaxed that it was normal as you discussed to start with, but now my confident happy little boy doesn't want to go to school because of a child possibly like yours. It is heart breaking as the mother of the child of the receiving end of behaviour like your child, and so I totally understand why school feel they need to stamp on it straight away.

I think it sounds like you are doing a brilliant job of dealing with it, but I do think the school are right to deal with it straight away. Please remember there is a sad mum and boy for every child your child hits/pushes/ shoves; his behaviour has consequences.

SirChenjin Tue 24-Sep-13 12:21:54

That is great news OP - sounds as if the school (and you) are both dealing with this really well, and hopefully he'll settle down very soon smile

BirdyBedtime Tue 24-Sep-13 13:21:53

I am glad that your DS seems to be settling down OP and hope that the positive behaviour continues.

I was going to make the same point as BlastOff though - many of the responses mention the OP's DS being 'poor boy', 'typical boy' 'normal' and I have to say I find that unhelpful.

In the past week my DS (youngest in his class) has been hurt 3 times by the same boy in his class (oldest in the class) - once the boy pulled his jacket hood so hard that it hurt DSs throat, once pushed in class and yesterday I got a note home saying that DS had been hit on the forehead in the playground at lunchtime with a litter picking stick and DS told me that it was the same boy using the stick as a sword. I don't consider this 'typical' or 'normal' as the majority of children don't do things like this.

I know that the boy has lost golden time for it and just hope that his parents are as upset as the OP and try to deal with it as she has.

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