Calling all parents of Y4 boys..

(41 Posts)
TheSmallPrint Tue 30-Apr-13 10:52:03

Please tell me that the attitude, answering back, ignoring me completely and general disregard of EVERYTHING will be gone in the next couple of months. Please!

He was such a lovely bright and gentle child who worked hard and did his best. I don't know where he's gone. sad

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 30-Apr-13 12:21:22

(Holds hand).

NickNacks Tue 30-Apr-13 12:24:19

I fear we are just entering this stage too. Lots of huffing and tutting which I have zero tolerance for.

Notquitegrownup Tue 30-Apr-13 12:27:15

Mum of a Y5 and a Y8 here. I remember this feeling. Cheer up, he will be back, but then he will disappear off from time to time to do some more growing up, leaving a rather grumpier version of himself behind. Eventually you will have a tall, hunky stranger in your house, who doesn't have to stand on the settee to hug you, and who can reach the top shelf to pass things to you. smile

(Mind you, there's teenage to get through first)

I found that DH came in a lot handier from Y4 onwards. Steve Wotsisname says that boys listen to dads from age 8 onwards. I didn't believe him until mine turned 8.

Farewelltoarms Tue 30-Apr-13 13:11:05

Oh god, it's the complete inability to follow basic instructions. 'Please put your dirty pants, socks and shirt in the laundry and leave your fleece and trousers down here for tomorrow'. 'Please pack your football stuff'. 'Please choose your own snack for after-school.' None of them get done and then we have all the recriminations and nagging and blame (which works both ways).

TheSmallPrint Tue 30-Apr-13 13:39:39

Thanks for the hand holding, yy to all of thr above.

Honestly after last nights episode of trying to get 20 minutes of homework done I feel like running away from it all. I don't like who it's making me IYKWIM? It's like raising a sulky zombie isn't it.

Notquite I have told his dad that he is going to have to take over the homework as I can't stand it anymore <reaches for the gin>, but I fear he will no more listen to dad than he does me.

Picturesinthefirelight Tue 30-Apr-13 13:42:19

Unfortunately we've been struggling for years.

He is bright and loving but can't follow instructions and doesn't work at school. He's going to be assessed for ADHD/asoergerish. I hope it gets sorted before secondary as I want my little boy to be happy and he isn't.

itsnothingoriginal Tue 30-Apr-13 13:43:04

Notquitegrownup grin Gives me hope

Yr 4 boy here too but he's been like this for quite a few years now. I sometimes think maybe the teenage years will be a pleasant surprise if he's got it all out of his system by then!

We had to go back to rewards and tokens a little while back as his rudeness and aggression got so bad. Seems like it coincides with growth spurts. He can be just amazing when he's calm and in a good mood - a real Jekyll and Hyde my DS!

spanky2 Tue 30-Apr-13 13:45:19

Same here.sad

itsnothingoriginal Tue 30-Apr-13 13:46:59

My DS can't follow instructions either Picturesinthefirelight - he has a mild auditory processing disorder. He can't spell and finds numeracy very difficult too. A lot of his attitude comes from finding school very hard work!

Lizzylou Tue 30-Apr-13 13:51:03

Not just mine then?
Phew!

DS1 has always been the compliant, helpful one. Goodness help me when DS2 gets in to Y4!

exexpat Tue 30-Apr-13 13:52:18

If by 'next couple of months' you mean 'next three or four or five years' then yes, in my DS's case.

He was pretty horrible to have around quite a lot of the time from age 9 to about age 12, but is now 14 and lovely most of the time. His bedroom is still a tip, but he does help out with stuff around the house when asked, and sometimes even when not asked (eg when I am ill).

Picturesinthefirelight Tue 30-Apr-13 13:53:16

He can follow complicated diagrams to make Lego models and he's off the scale for literacy (enrichment group) but won't write, is totally obsessive and has meltdowns if things don't go his way.

He doesn't concentrate when you tell him things, his eyes are darting all over the place and he gets distracted and distracts others at school verve not had an easy few years. His drench teacher all but called him a little g** at parents evening (she used a slightly different phrase but we knew what she meant.

itsnothingoriginal Tue 30-Apr-13 14:00:44

Wow - you could be describing my DS there too Pictures - great reader, no writing etc although for some reason is quiet and no problem in school.

Currently his entire conversation is about Lego star wars <yawn>

TheSmallPrint Tue 30-Apr-13 14:01:31

exexpat don't say that!!!! shock You're meant to be reassuring me even if it's a blatant lie , now I really want to run away!

Lizzylou yes DS1 is the 'good' one in our house, DS2 is already copying his brother and he's only 5. <silent screams>

Pictures that sounds like hard work. sad FC it gets sorted sooner rather than later.

I have tried bribery, shouting, black mail and reason but nothing is working on him. Anyone got any tips on things that did work?

TheSmallPrint Tue 30-Apr-13 14:02:52

itsnothing that's my son you have. Fabulous reader but would rather chew his arm off than have to write anything down. He also loves Lego but is more obsessed by football.

itsnothingoriginal Tue 30-Apr-13 14:41:43

TheSmallPrint - at least we know we are definitely not alone in our frustrations grin

Am holding onto Notquite' s image of having a tall hunky stranger for a son in a few years time!!

NynaevesSister Tue 30-Apr-13 17:06:25

Y3 here! I was hoping he would be different in Y4. The huffing and tutting I ignore. But what to do about the door slamming and 'you don't know me!'?

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood Tue 30-Apr-13 17:10:43

<whispers> we are going through a lovely patch with DS1 at the moment, he has just turned 9 and the last 3-4 months have been great.

He huffs from time to time but I just back off and tell him he is old enough to make his own choices as long as he handles the consequences..
no thank you letters, no gifts next birthday.
no homework, explain to teacher why he hasn't done it.

within a minute or so of me backing off he gets on and does it.

BetsyBell Tue 30-Apr-13 17:11:14

Y4 here - we have had periods of absolutely zero understanding of empathy which turns him into a self righteous moody pre-teen type character. However, a few days later he'll be charming, thoughtful and an utter delight to have around! Never know which one's going to wake up.

Wellthen Tue 30-Apr-13 20:44:40

I'm also in the 'oh good its not just me the' crowd but as a Y5 teacher! They definitely get stroppier at this age and start the huffing and puffing when they feel something is unreasonable!

Stay calm and keep insisting on your point. Dont get pulled into an argument as thats (subconciously) what they're looking for. You will pick your pants up because I'm telling you to and that is that. No pants, no xbox.

Remember they are copying adult behaviours in order to appear grown up. They begin to speak to you as if they are also an adult so be careful how often you are sarcastic or bad tempered around them 'For God's Sake!!' or 'this is ridiculous' will come back to haunt you!

If its any comfort they really need you to set the boundaries at this age. They keep coming back to the same behaviours because it is taking them to time to work out of you really mean it. They are discovering what is important in life because they have realised this is a matter of opinion and have grown out of 'grown ups are right about everything all the time'. If no shoes upstairs or no phones at the table is important to you then stick to it! Explain why and keep on and on and on insisting, refusing to be drawn into a discussion.

But this is the age when 'because I said so' comes into its own.

Wellthen Tue 30-Apr-13 20:45:42

Dunno how that random But snuck in there.

Hercule Tue 30-Apr-13 20:53:08

Second everything on this thread but def not just boys, Y4 DD went through total personality change halfway thro Y3. It was like that 'Kevin the teenager' sketch from Harry Enfield ( only several years too early). She went to bed a sweet amiable hard-working goody-two-shoes and woke up grumpy, argumentative and volatile withe the sole intention of breaking as many rules as possible and avoiding doing anything I wanted her to do.

A year later she's eased off a bit and more of the old, 'nicer' more amenable DD shines through, but she's still hard work!

voddiekeepsmesane Tue 30-Apr-13 21:14:46

yes yes to everything that has been said, mum to a year 4 monster boy here. He has had me walking out to the garden to count to ten quite a few times over the last few months.

Where has my sweet, loving and polite boy gone? I have now a argumentative, huffy puffy, condescending child!

TheSmallPrint Tue 30-Apr-13 21:45:14

<links arms with all the distraught and confused mothers>

wellthen I think you may be spot on. I am incredibly a bit sarky when I'm annoyed and I see it all come back to bite me on the arse now! grin. I'm going to try and take your advice on that one.

warmmagnolia Tue 30-Apr-13 23:15:31

Yes ' Kevin' came on an extended visit here too. I had a 'huffing' teenager aged 6. I could not bear to be in earshot during homework and DH took over for a whole year. That was the deal, otherwise I would have left home.

I was beginning to think my sweet DS had disappeared forever, however, he has returned recently and suddenly I realised he was answering a question without a huff. I did at one point threaten to call the vet as the animal noises I was getting belonged in a zoo.

Kevin has now been replaced by an ultra mature version of DS, 'Mr Sensible'. I often feel like something out of AbFab now and I am the embarrassing, irresponsible Mum and DS keeps me in check. But it is amazing, we are actually having conversations and I cannot remember those happening for a long time.

iseenodust Wed 01-May-13 09:52:56

Oh yes. "You don't know, you're not me." aaaagh.

Confiscation of the Wii is the most effective weapon.
We also try to knacker him out channel the energy and hormones with lots of sport.

The phrase "what gave you the impression this was a democracy?" came into play at about this age, IIRC.

The worst of it generally seemed (and still does, in Y6) to be linked to lack of sleep /water/food. When well fed, watered and rested he is a different, and much nicer boy.

TheSmallPrint Wed 01-May-13 11:15:05

Yes tiredness makes it worse and end of term is usually a killer.

I have also had the comments 'you can't make me do/eat/tidy (delete as appropriate) that' followed by a sneer. Oh yes I can my boy, but I may be arrested if I try!

Thing is, when they are nice you just want to eat them up because they are so lovely.

ouryve Wed 01-May-13 11:23:18

I'd like to reassure you, but it's never not been there, for us. (Another one with ASD and ADHD)

I suspect that what does happen is that you get better at handling it so it becomes less of an issue. Kids around this age don't want to feel babied, anymore and are becoming more questioning of parental "wisdom" and just plain more opinionated. They need to feel more involved in decisions made on their behalf and less dictated to. It's a time to choose battles very wisely.

TheSmallPrint Wed 01-May-13 11:30:00

ouryve, funnily enough I actually said that to my DS. I asked if he could just stop with the defiance on every single little thing I asked him to do as it was becoming white noise to me and I was permantly cross at him which is no fun for him or me. I told him I was happy for him to argue with me on things that really mattered to him and I would be more likely to listen. I would too.

gnushoes Wed 01-May-13 11:36:04

Arguing about bloody everything then bursting into tears when I disagree with him? One here as well. Driving me to gin.

Labro Wed 01-May-13 11:42:56

have a yr 6 ds, comments yesterday from him were classic! 'do I hear a fly buzzing in the room' when I asked him to do his homework and screeching at the top of his lungs when I apparently interrupted him! So, nope, it doesn't stop in yr 4 (he was fairly normal then!) Also second the much worse when hungry/tired/needs a drink.

TheSmallPrint Wed 01-May-13 11:50:46

anyone considered boarding school yet? grin

iseenodust Wed 01-May-13 13:01:25

I may have threatened boarding school. However the reply was 'you wouldn't like that either'. I guess at least he knows he's lovedsmile

wol1968 Wed 01-May-13 13:32:35

Hugs here...I've just put my 9 year old DS on a technology ban for a week due to episodes of pinching, jostling and hitting out at school. And explaining for the nth time that hitting out when someone annoys you is NOT the smart thing to do despite the little buggers richly deserving a punch on the nose and will always get you into big trouble.

Head. Bang. Wall.

Elibean Wed 01-May-13 14:10:10

I have a wonderful book called 'Talking to Tweens'.

I sort of knew everything in it already, but it is sooo reassuring wink

Y4 girls are not dissimilar, if you add in the huge mood swings and not knowing whether you're going to get the room-tidying-homework-managing-I-can-do-it-all-myself version or the sister-insulting-dirty-clothes-in-back-of-cupboard-sugar-inhaling-screen-addicted version, on a daily basis.....

Elibean Wed 01-May-13 14:11:03

ps if it helps, they do start having hormone fluctuations around this age...

gabsid Thu 02-May-13 19:54:59

I thought middle childhood was lovely? confused. DS started with terrible 3s, it has slightly improved, but mostly changed into something more verbal and opinionated, sometimes utterly silly (like the 3yo), very angry or simply ignoring me completely.

Or rude: DS: I am bored! Me: we are eating in a minute, could you lay the table please? DS: No, do it yourself! angry

Ohhhh, the boys are like this too? Well, that's oddly reassuring, in a way. Hysterical tears from DD yesterday because someone suggested she might have hayfever. Sympathies ...

TheSmallPrint Thu 02-May-13 21:45:30

Yes I get told to do things myself or that they have to do everything because blatantly I do sod all around the house. hmm

There is something comforting about knowing everyone else is in the same boat. Do you know what made me feel better today? I watched the UK version of my Sweet 16 where rich spoilt kids have huge parties. Suddenly my DS didn't seem quite so bad! grin

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