teachers handing out birthday invitations - should this be ok when all are not invited?

(97 Posts)
greener2 Tue 27-Nov-12 19:04:34

as topic says really. My daughter is in reception class so i am new to the school thing but she has been really upset the last week. The teachers have a birthday chair in he classroom. When its someones birthday they come up and they hand out invitations to their party. Obviously the issue is not whether my dd is invited as its fine and i understand but the upset she has when she is 1. waiting to see if she is invited 2. subsequently isnt invited has to have the disappointment of this...

Am i ott in not being happy with this? I really feel for her poor thing. By the way she is suspected of haveing autism which the school are aware of and so things do affect her differently so please be kind when responding. Thanks

scurryfunge Tue 27-Nov-12 19:07:59

Seems a bizarre practice. Why can't parents hand out invitations at the gate? I have no idea why teachers feel the need to get involved with this.

flutterby123 Tue 27-Nov-12 19:08:55

Hello, to be honest that seems like a bit of a strange thing for the school to do. If they were sitting in the birthday chair to have happy birthday sung to them or their peers say one thing they like about them and wish them a happy birthday that would be fine, but surely this is just asking for children to be upset? I would be fairly certain that other children (whether they are on the Autistic spectrum or not) would get upset by not getting an invitation too. Could you speak to some of the other parents about this at the school gates and see how their child feels about it? Maybe you could let the teacher know (just let her know and make a point of saying you're not asking for it to be changed or anything - there's always more chance of teachers changing things if they're not asked to in the first place!)

MisForMumNotMaid Tue 27-Nov-12 19:11:06

I only send invites in when its a whole class party. I try to be discreet if not. DS1 is autistic. Being left out is offensive to all.

I'd have a word with the head teacher to ask about this, it doesn't seam right.

shellyf Tue 27-Nov-12 19:11:17

I don't let invitations be handed out in class unless it is a "whole class" party.

mrz Tue 27-Nov-12 19:13:57

I don't think handing out invitations in school is unusual (lots of parents work and don't come to school or know other parents ) but the birthday chair seems odd ... don't most people hand out invitations well in advance of the day

and believe me scurryfunge I have better things to do with my day than hand out invitations but what do you suggest ...sending them back home with the child?

scurryfunge Tue 27-Nov-12 19:17:46

Well, yes Mrz. I certainly don't expect a class teacher to get involved in facilitating out of school social events. Ask the parents to sort it out!

At the school my kids go to, the teachers will happily 'give out' invitations. That basically means they hand them out with paintings and other junk important stuff at the end of the day/session, so it's not obvious that anyone is missing out on anything.

They also do something else on each person's birthday. Iirc it is basically getting a birthday hat to wear while the others sing Happy Birthday. I think they do it for anyone with a birthday in the holidays either before or after the holidays so they don't miss out either.

BranchingOut Tue 27-Nov-12 19:18:06

I would hand out invites, but only along with other letters and not make a big thing of it or emphasising that they were invitations.

Having said that, it was far easier when I taught at a school which had a policy of making parents sort all this out in the playground.

sweetpea31 Tue 27-Nov-12 19:19:40

I think it helps to teach children to deal with disappointment, they will then develop the skills to not be bothered by this. If they never come across disappointment or are shielded from it for fear of upsetting them, how will they react age 10 when they have to cope for the first time? If they are never made to cope with disappointment then they will struggle when the time comes.

mrz Tue 27-Nov-12 19:22:59

Do you have children in school scurry?

scurryfunge Tue 27-Nov-12 19:26:54

My DS has finished school now but I have encountered this before. I used to be a teacher too. My post wasn't meant to be critical but supportive of the fact that teachers should not feel they have to get involved because it can be divisive. It shouldn't be a matter for the school at all.

lottiegarbanzo Tue 27-Nov-12 19:27:44

You seem to be saying they are handing out invitations on the birthday itself (or does this chair thing happen a couple of weeks in advance?). Is that right? Not doubting, just checking I've understood.

greener2 Tue 27-Nov-12 19:29:02

Yes I do think children should learn about dealing with disapointment but again this is hard at the age of 4 and with possible developmental difficulties. I am unsure this is the correct practice though and the right thing to do to teach it them.
She is able to communicate her emotions very well and so her upset has come out in play.behaviour. I finally got out of her today that she is upset and disapointed that she is not chosen, really worried that she will never be chosen and angry about it. She said she doesnt have any friends sad

mamij Tue 27-Nov-12 19:29:08

At DDs preschool, parents have handed invites over to the teacher, who discreetly hands them out to the children.

LeeCoakley Tue 27-Nov-12 19:31:59

Do you actually know this happens or is this your dd's impression? Logically no one will be handing out invitations on their birthday. Maybe the birthday child hands out the end of the day stuff as a 'treat'.

greener2 Tue 27-Nov-12 19:33:48

sorry i confused people, the chair is the day of the birthday and before the birthday the child whos birthday it is goes to the front of the class and hands out invitations to those they want to go to the party...

yes i dont think the school should be getting involved either!

greener2 Tue 27-Nov-12 19:34:36

yes i asked the teacher tonight what happens, its at the start of the day

LeeCoakley Tue 27-Nov-12 19:34:42

Our parents not only want us to hand out the invites to the class but expect us to troll round the school handing them out to children in other classes. Ditto thank you letters.

clam Tue 27-Nov-12 19:37:07

I won't hand out invitations, but mine are KS2 and old enough to do it themselves. I did have one recently who asked me to give a message out to anyone who hadn't RSVP'd to phone her mum by x date. I said no, I'm afraid. I'm not her social secretary and it was unnecessarily upsetting for those who hadn't been invited ('girly' issues in my class!)
She then expected me to hand out her birthday sweets for her as she needed to leave class on the dot so she could plaster herself in makeup get ready for the said party. I'm afraid I said no to that, too. She needed to hand them out herself.
But then I'm a bit mean, probably.

radicalsubstitution Tue 27-Nov-12 19:37:36

There are many reasons, too complicated to go into, why it would be impossible for me to hand invites out to parents in the playground.

DS' teacher hands them out (along with 'thank you' letters) discreetly at the end of the day by putting them directly in reading folders. The same is true with sweets/lollies etc that are given for birthdays. She has to be sensitive and careful with this as there are JW children in the class who don't celebrate birthdays.

I know she has better things to do with her time, but she is incredibly efficient (at most things anyway) and doesn't seem to mind.

lunar1 Tue 27-Nov-12 19:37:42

Ds1 teachers just put them in the bags along with everything else

mrz Tue 27-Nov-12 19:39:01

My pupils ask if they can hand out invitations. I say ok quickly while I fill in the register ...end of story

greener2 Tue 27-Nov-12 19:45:25

Its ok to go in the bookbag, its not really the question of whether its the teachers job (i dont think it should be with the teacher but thats just my opinion) its the issue of making a big deal out of it. The emphasis of the birthday child handing out the invites to his/her friends instead of the kids who are left out. sad

clam Tue 27-Nov-12 19:45:50

Some days there are up to half a dozen items/letters to be handed out at the end of the day. I am suffering from leaflet fatigue, usually from profit-making organisations that wish me to be an unpaid postwoman.
I don't wish to add party invitations to the load, quite frankly, but as I said, that's just me. My main objection however, is that it's not nice to see the crestfallen look on the faces of those who haven't been invited. Yes, they need to learn the lesson in life that they won't be invited to everything, but I don't think my classroom is the place for that.

mrz Tue 27-Nov-12 19:46:23

I do find the birthday chair hand out very strange

greener2 Tue 27-Nov-12 20:00:35

Agreed i dont think its right either especially at 4 years old.
What do I do now? I did have a little word with the teacher but her opnion was that she has to learn disappointment but i totally disagree and now feel unhappy with the choice of school if this is their ethos

clam Tue 27-Nov-12 20:08:26

The American school my friend's children were at had a blanket ban on all party invitations on school premises, unless every child in the class was invited.

greener2 Tue 27-Nov-12 20:16:11

Rejection is hard and im in my 30's let alone at 4!

mrz Tue 27-Nov-12 20:27:19

I think you need to explain that some mums and dads can't afford to invite everyone even though they would like to

expatinscotland Tue 27-Nov-12 20:30:50

NOT ON, IMO. I'd complain to the head. They have plenty of time to learn about rejection and disappointment, and 4 is not a good time whe at all possible.

greener2 Tue 27-Nov-12 20:34:25

I have explained to my dd all of that and explained about disappointment but i dont believe this is a good thing to do. My husband is on about seeing the head tomorrow but i feel like i dont want to go behind the teachers back etc but then i dont agree with it at all

mrz Tue 27-Nov-12 20:36:25

It's ok because then all the parents who want the teacher to hand out invitations (because their child always gets invited) will complain to the head ...

greener2 Tue 27-Nov-12 20:47:30

dont understand your point mrz?

mrz Tue 27-Nov-12 20:52:57

The point is the teacher can't win ...if she says yes to handing out invitations in class she upsets you/your child if she says no she upsets the birthday child/'s parents hmm

TuftyFinch Tue 27-Nov-12 21:04:38

At DC's school no invitations will be dealt with by teacher unless it's a whole class party. I completely agree with this.
Handing them out in class time if some are left out is unfair. I know children have to face disappointment but they shouldn't have to face feeling sad and upset. A lot of children use party invites in a manipulative way, even at 4: 'if you don't do this you're not coming to my party' etc. Sitting on a chair and handing them out is awful if some are left out. I would speak to the HT.
If you really do feel you've made the wrong choice of school is it worth having a look at the other schools in your area?

scurryfunge Tue 27-Nov-12 21:05:24

That is the point Mrz- you don't need to get involved. Social events outside of school should not be your concern. Just get on with teaching!

TuftyFinch Tue 27-Nov-12 21:06:17

mrz upsetting parents is completely different to upsetting children.
They have to face disappointment sometims grin

lottiegarbanzo Tue 27-Nov-12 21:09:14

I think it's really unkind and that I'd have been upset (probably up to about 16 and then just differently!). I'd ask them for their reasoning and make the point it's upsetting.

When I was at infant school we were allowed to stand at the top of the steps and ring the hand-bell for the end of break on our birthday. That was ace.

Beamur Tue 27-Nov-12 21:10:00

Last year when DD was in Reception the Teacher had a loose policy that invitations should be all class or a select few - she seemed to also disagree with the idea of leaving a couple of kids out, but she would distribute invitations discretely into book bags.

jimswifein1964 Tue 27-Nov-12 21:12:11

Surely it's better to hand them out yourself - you either know the parents, or you need to know them as you will have kids in the class together for a long time!! I know people work & there had to be an alternative in these instances though.

Hulababy Tue 27-Nov-12 21:13:43

We never hand out invitations at our school, regardless of who is invited. Children and/or parents do it themselves. At DD's school teachers and TAs take no part in giving out invites either. Would never expect to be asked to do so, nor expect DD's teaching staff to do so. Never had a parent ask either to be honest.

Definitely dislike the idea of the birthday chair/invite distribution in OP. How awful. What happens if a child has invites for all but 1 or 2 children - it would seem like school were condoning such exclusion, which can never be right.

Hulababy Tue 27-Nov-12 21:14:46

I'd have no worries with upsetting a child's parents by saying no to the request to hand out invites.

I just don't see the need to be involved.

CharlotteBronteSaurus Tue 27-Nov-12 21:17:40

playground doesn't work for those of us who use before/after school club

at dd1's school invitations are discreetly placed by the teacher into bookbags. dd1 is generally unaware of what's in there until she's home, so is often unaware if not invited to a party.

radicalsubstitution Tue 27-Nov-12 21:27:41

Same here Charlotte.

There's just no way I could have handed out DS' invites in Reception.

Now he can read, and doesn't invite as many children, I would give them to him to give out at an appropriate time.

There needs to be some flexibility, but the OP's situation sounds truly hideous.

Hulababy Tue 27-Nov-12 21:31:57

From Y1 up I can't see why it shouldn't be down to the children themselves. Ours do it as they arrive, before register time. They go straight into drawers.

For children in reception I guess some will need more support with the reading. But even so I think teachers and TAs need to be careful not to be condoning excluding children - not where there are just one or two not invited.

mrz Tue 27-Nov-12 21:32:06

I was fortunate there were only 10 children in my daughter's class and 12 in my son's so I could invite everyone but as a teacher I was never ever in the playground to drop off or collect my children ... thankfully their teachers handed out invitations or parties would have been quite lonely

mrz Tue 27-Nov-12 21:33:34

I'm not sure how teachers or TAs can be regarded as condoning excluding children ...

NamingOfParts Tue 27-Nov-12 21:40:08

I really dont get this idea that upsetting and disappointing a reception aged child will somehow make them more resilient.

IMO the school should not be involved with handing out birthday invitations etc at all.

CharlotteBronteSaurus Tue 27-Nov-12 21:41:42

TBH i think it's still better with the teachers even once the DC can read. the one child who did hand his own invitations out in the playground this year made a big show of who was getting one. Far better discreetly popped in a book bag for a parent to find later.

Visualarts Tue 27-Nov-12 21:45:34

Most adults don't publicly invite a, b, c and d to their party in front of e f and g whom they are not inviting. (do they?) So i can't see why children should do so either. Discreet invites in book bag fine, public 'roll call' rather less so, i would have said. I would speak to the head, yes.

mrz Tue 27-Nov-12 21:46:34

Have you spent much time in reception classes lately? The most frequent "complaint" from a child is ..."He/She said I can't go to his/her party!" usually accompanied by tears ... the said party, if it actually takes place at all will be 11 months in the future.
The most frequent excuse for misbehaving is "He/She said I had to or they won't let me go to their party." which may or may not take place in the next 11 months.
Parties are weapons with or without invitations

radicalsubstitution Tue 27-Nov-12 21:47:14

TBH Charlotte, DS is such a space cadet that if I did give him the invites to give out, they would probably still be in his book bag, not given out, after his birthday had been and gone.

We only invited about 5 friends from school last year, so it wasn't as if there were one or two excluded.

Pyrrah Tue 27-Nov-12 21:48:42

Totally disagree with handing invitations out that way.

Not only is it potentially upsetting for a child not to be invited, but it also makes it hard if parents can't afford to put on whole-class parties for their child.

(Please tell me that people don't do whole-class parties in London confused)

Discreetly in bookbags is one things, openly like that is not right.

radicalsubstitution Tue 27-Nov-12 21:49:32

grin mrz.

Visualarts Tue 27-Nov-12 21:51:13

Yes i can see it may be the case that parties are weapons with or without invitations, but i would have thought that is even more reason for school to discourage obvious invitation giving in front of others. Not getting the child up to the front to hand them out (if i've understood op correctly) -never heard of this before.

mrz Tue 27-Nov-12 21:55:46

I've had it at least 4 times today from various children radical and it's worse when I'm on playground duty and have 3 year groups moaning.

Visualarts ...can you explain how the teacher knows that some children have been excluded from the invitations

CocktailQueen Tue 27-Nov-12 21:58:05

I don't like that. In our school invites are either put in book bags or are given out by parents at the gate. much more subtle and less obvious if you're not invited. I'd have a word with the teacher.

Visualarts Tue 27-Nov-12 21:59:16

Mrsz, if ive understood op, child comes up to front of class and hands out invites in front of teacher, so teacher will see some children are not invited. Have I misunderstood, greener?

mrz Tue 27-Nov-12 22:03:21

That's the part I don't understand Visual ...the birthday child sits on the birthday chair and hands out invitations sorry very strange

clam Tue 27-Nov-12 22:05:27

Slightly off-topic, but we've had a problem in recent years of parents using the school's Christmas post box to post their own cards to other parents.

Sure, it's more convenient to get the class teacher to hand out personal mail (whether it's a Christmas card, a party invitation or a thank you letter) but IT IS NOT OUR JOB!!! We've got enough to do, and I don't accept that "oh, it doesn't take long to pop an envelope into a bookbag." That's not the point.

Visualarts Tue 27-Nov-12 22:08:10

Yes mrz I think we agree! I didn't come across this in the distant days of reception - I have never heard anyone else mention such a system either.

mrz Tue 27-Nov-12 22:12:33

"Mrsz, if ive understood op, child comes up to front of class and hands out invites in front of teacher, so teacher will see some children are not invited." and the teacher knows that the parents haven't given invitations to those children already because they knew the parents and saw them on the way to school or lives in the same street or the families are friends or ...

Visualarts Tue 27-Nov-12 22:20:12

Oh, i see what you mean now mrz - sorry, didnt see what you were getting at before. I think op's said later on in thread that she's now told teacher, so on any view in future the teacher wil know it is a possibility that some children have been not been invited, as it's happened at least once! Invites in Book bags, I say!

Visualarts Tue 27-Nov-12 22:21:54

Though I do see clam's and others' point that putting things in book bags is time consuming for teachers and not their job.

mrz Tue 27-Nov-12 22:23:30

As I said if children want to hand out invitations during registration I don't have a problem with it but I wouldn't make a "performance" out of it by having a birthday chair [rolls eyes at the idea]

mathsconundrum Tue 27-Nov-12 22:27:23

That's awful. It's not just dealing with disappointment but doing it this way is public humiliation.

sweetpea31 Tue 27-Nov-12 22:37:08

If the invitations are slipped into book bags without the children knowing about it, the others will find out anyway when they come to school talking about being excited about going to X's party. Or after having been they talk about what they won at pass the parcel etc. The children who were not invited feel even worse because no grown up has even bothered to explain the whole 'costs too much to invite everyone' saga or 'there can only be X amount of children'. They are left wondering why no one told them, were they not in school the day the invites were given out and so missed the opportunity, why no one explained why they could not come and then have the bragging to go with it. They might also get other children asking why they did not go or making up their own ideas why not. I think that would be more upsetting, finding out an event had been held that you had no knowledge of and no understanding why you were not invited. At least if an explanation is given then children will learn to understand that they can not be included in everything and the reasons why.

clam Tue 27-Nov-12 22:47:25

All the more reason for party invitations not to come to school at all, but be handed out in the parents' own time. Parties are nothing to do with school, just like Brownies, ballet displays and local football team selection.

sweetpea31 Tue 27-Nov-12 23:01:43

This will not stop the kids from showing off, asking questions and making up ideas (you didn't come because you are on blue table etc).

clam Tue 27-Nov-12 23:14:34

Absolutely, no it won't. That's kids for you. But that's no reason to collude with it by helping to promote the very thing that's at the root of the unkind behaviour.
It's a real shame.

Pyrrah Tue 27-Nov-12 23:15:43

At least there isn't the potential humiliation of ALWAYS being the child that isn't invited. Anyone who was always the last child to be picked for teams knows how that feels (please tell me that teachers no longer have that hideous gauntlet).

sweetpea31 Tue 27-Nov-12 23:26:03

So we should ignore it and pretend it is not happening instead of explaining so children can understand. It is not unkind behaviour not to invite someone to a party...it is reality of life that some people can not afford to have everyone there and children of those parents should not be made to feel as though they are being unkind by not inviting all the children. Money is a big issue these days and lots of families want their children to have the benefit of a small party rather than none at all.
This is why I am having to deal with children who can not cope with minor issues everyday at the moment, they have no coping strategies at all because they have never been made to cope. I am having violent pre teens and lots of them who can not cope with not being able to play basketball for the team for X reason. One this week threw a chair at a member of staff because the game arranged was when his dentist appointment is....could not cope with the disappointment because he has never had to.

mrz Wed 28-Nov-12 06:49:08

Perhaps we should just ban birthday parties hmm

noramum Wed 28-Nov-12 07:05:10

Our invites go into the book bag, done by the teacher/TA during a break or lunch. Not all parents do the school run so it is sometimes difficult to hand them out personally.

Handing them out in front of everybody, especially Reception age when groups are still forming, is absurd.

legalalien Wed 28-Nov-12 07:37:17

This year (small party, up till now has been whole class) I emailed the parents a few weeks in advance to get them to save the date, and asked them to let their children know at the start of the week of the party, to minimise the "who's invited" discussion at school. Worked well. In fact these days I think emailing invites is the way forward.

Visualarts Wed 28-Nov-12 07:39:14

sweetpea that is awful! (chair incident) On a total tangent, would that student be excluded as a result? Sorry, realise that's irrelevant to the thread, but am interested to know how a schol responds to that kind of thing.

IsabelleRinging Wed 28-Nov-12 07:45:46

The TA usually pops the invitations into book-bags with books before home-time in my school so it is not so obvious who has/hasn't got one.

SnowWide Wed 28-Nov-12 08:11:19

legalalien How do you have the email IDs of parents unless they are friends/acquaintances?

These birthday parties are fraught with politics. DD desnt want to invite one of her closest friends, they ve drifted apart. I know her mum. Awkward.

She also wants to invite one other girl,who is part of another bigger group. These girls' mums also stand around in a quiche big group everyday. How do I give an invite to just one withouot the other mums pursing their lips? Awkward.

To be frank, most children seem fine. Parents on the other hand, too much angst and hand wringing...

Yes, lets do away with parties, please....

legalalien Wed 28-Nov-12 08:31:04

We have an excel spreadsheet with the email addresses for the year group (and yes, everyone has consented to being included). Really useful it is too.

SnowWide Wed 28-Nov-12 08:55:07

Pch.. See the spreadsheet would be great. Cuts out all the playground palaver....

Plus, I could email and roast all the parents whose child dared displease my PFB! Heh, heh, heh...

<wonder if I could email that dishy looking dad on the school run>

DeWe Wed 28-Nov-12 11:44:23

I think handing them out in the playground gives as many problems. You get children waving them around, asking each other if they've been invited. And the child who runs up to the birthday child asking for an invite and is told in blunt 6yo fashion that they haven't got one. Seen upset children on many occasions even with very careful handing out.

lingle Wed 28-Nov-12 17:36:19

"I think it helps to teach children to deal with disappointment, they will then develop the skills to not be bothered by this. "

sweetpea, if a child has already started to develop those skills, then one disappointment amongst several successes may hone those skills further.

but vulnerable children won't develop those skills by rejection/humiliation.

OP I'm with you, (and clam) this is obnoxious. The only issue is that I think they won't take your feelings seriously - they will think it's a response to this party at this time and that you wouldn't be moaning if your child had been invited. The best thing you can do is complain after your child has received several party invitations in a row....

Hulababy Wed 28-Nov-12 18:44:14

mrz - I am thinking of the times it pops up on MN when it turns out only 2 or 3 children in a class haven't been invited and everyone else has. Or where all but 1 girl in invited, etc.

By teachers or TAs handing out the invites it would feel like they were condoning this.

I have no idea how the parents at our school manage it - but the teachers/TAs take no part in it.

Hulababy Wed 28-Nov-12 18:46:15

Like others - at DD's school we have contact details for everyone in the class - mobile/tel numbers and email addresses. Class rep organises it at start of each year.

mrz Wed 28-Nov-12 18:49:43

I once had very evil thoughts towards a parent who I thought had invited every child except one to her son's party. It turned out the mums were very good friends and the invitation had been handed to the mum over coffee earlier in the week ...the child hadn't been excluded so now I'm not so quick to jump to conclusions.

BranchingOut Wed 28-Nov-12 19:01:03

The thing is, people say 'just put them in book bags' as if this is a task with absolutely no impact on school time, but it can actually be quite time consuming to pull out the relevant 12, 15 or 20 book bags out of the set of 30, wrestle with the Velcro on each one, re-seal and replace. Five minutes that a teacher or TA could usefully be spending on another task.

Not to mention the children who carry around a term's worth of detritus in their bags, the parent who fails to see the invitation and the wrath of the party host when their child's friend fails to RSVP and comes to YOU to complain about it!

I found that letters only ever reliably reached home when they were placed in a child's hands just before home time.

mrz Wed 28-Nov-12 19:16:40

I wish my class could be relied upon to ensure letters placed in their hands as they exit the classroom having already collected school bags and wearing their coat made it as far as the playground

Fidget275 Thu 29-Nov-12 16:29:43

I always get the child to hand them out at the start of the day when all children are engaged in some kind of activity (year 1) They don't even notice then. It is sad, especially where you have a class when its always the same children being left out!

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Fri 30-Nov-12 19:04:21

Sorry haven't read all threads!

What an awfully tactless and mean thing to do to the little ones who are left out!

Yes life can be disappointing, but I think it's actually cruel to do this to a 4 year old. Parties really are a massive deal at that young and tender age.

My DS teacher discreetly puts invites in to the children's bags.

Changing the subject slightly: my son is in Year 1. There are only nine children in his year, but believe it or not, sometimes one or two can be left out. I hasten to add, not by me, I invite all of them.

All primary school parents recently received a general newsletter, and it mentioned that when organising parties, parents should avoid leaving out one or two children (can't remember exact wording). I thought this was a great sentiment, but conversley, the school will not give out a list of all class members!

Legalalien - Think that's a great way of doing it.

sweetpea31 Fri 30-Nov-12 21:35:37

Visual, said child was suspended for the incident. Said child reacts this way at every single no or disappointment. It is one who has had money thrown into the pot left right n centre, good at sports so never turned down for the teams, is able so never really struggled at work. Parents overcompensate for working by buying material things every week they go shopping etc.
This week the child has not coped with getting the part wanted in the Xmas performance, not being able to play hockey due to behaviour and someone using something he wanted to use for his craft work. All resulting in violence/destruction/shouting/abuse.
lingle - if children are explained to then they are not humiliated, children need to learn pretty early on that money can be scarce and things like parties etc cost an awful lot. Even with our little children we explain very simply and that it doesn't mean they are not their friends or don't like them but they invited the people they play with the most etc.

wigglywoowoo Fri 30-Nov-12 23:06:57

I think it is very tricky to get this just right. I felt a bit guility when I sent DD's (YR1) invites in as I knew that we'd only invited two thirds of the class and yes I could have got DD to hand them out but this would have been at school too. They all talk about parties and who is invited before and after the event so even if the invites are sent out privately, it still gets discussed and that child knows that they have missed out.

The worst bit for me was a mother who had told me previously that her DD said she didn't have any friends. My DD had this little girl on her birthday list, I mentioned the party details to this mother and that i'd be giving the invitations to the teacher. She told me not to send the invite to her DD as she said it was too much hassle to take her. sad

acsec Fri 30-Nov-12 23:10:11

I ask parents to give out invites themselves - if they really can't then I just quietly pop them in the children's bookbags whilst they are at lunch so as not to upset anyone.

MidoriKobayashi Mon 03-Dec-12 12:43:03

I'm no longer a teacher but when I was teaching I didn't give out invites but would allow the children to put them in trays at playtime/ during the register while everyone else was doing early morning work. I didn't ask who was/ was not invited and (like letters from school) envelopes were not to be opened until children had asked the adult collecting them from school. At my last school TA time was timetabled down to the minute for specific interventions/ guided reading/ working with a group so there was no time for another adult to do this. Book bags came in once per week, books and homework were changed and bags were given back out all on the same day - there's no way I would have had time to go through and put in party invites as well as responding to parental comments in reading journals and checking children had chosen an appropriate book! As some children are dropped off and picked up from before/ after-school clubs every day, their parents don't often see the other parents and they're likely not to have contact details for them so by refusing to allow children to give out party invitations I would effectively exclude them from inviting some children. I was never given any guidance from the school about party invitations and think that if you are concerned it might be worth having a chat with the head and asking about a system of sharing email addresses through PTA and avoiding invites coming in to school altogether as was mentioned earlier on the thread.

Aboutlastnight Mon 03-Dec-12 12:54:27

I gave DD2 invitations to hand out for her party and not all children were invitedz

We can't afford/ don't have the room to take the entire class.
But she isn't invited to all parties either. That's just life I'm afraid.

VenetiaLanyon Mon 03-Dec-12 14:18:40

My DD's school has a policy that you're only allowed to give out invitations at school if the whole class is invited. Very sensible.

Jestrin Wed 05-Dec-12 18:31:46

Going back to the beginning of the thread I think ultimately the point is that the way the invitations are handed out is far too OTT whichever year group the class is. They should just be given to the teacher/TA to put in book bags if the parent is unable to hand out themselves. And no, not all children get invited but this way is more discreet.

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