I think I might just be the Mother of to 'the naughty kid' :(

(61 Posts)
guttedmum Wed 03-Oct-12 17:50:42

The teacher pulled me to one side at pick up time today...basically told me that DS (4) has been having serious behavioural issues since starting Reception just 3 weeks ago...it's all come to a bit of a head today after he has hit a child and thrown sand at him and bitten somebody else.

The upshot is he's terrible at sharing, taking turns, etc....very "immature" and they plan on giving him some sort of behaviour chart as of tomorrow. She says he is a pleasant enough child and the sharing issues might be partly down to him being an only.

I'm absolutely gutted TBH. I had NO idea that anything like this was going on. He's a little smasher at home and very kind and generous...he loves making friends and he talks about how much fun he is having at school.

What hurt me the most is the teacher saying that other kids picking up on his behaviour don't want to be around him...my DS has just told me that he only has one friend and I've been crying since I arrived home and started talking to him.

I have spoken very firmly and frankly to DS but also given him lots of cuddles as he can see how upset I am. He has been crying too...he said "I try my very best Mum, I know I am being a naughty boy but I can't stop sometimes..."

I don't really know where to go from here...when the teacher told me about him tonight it sounded like a different child entirely. I feel terrible for the kids he has hurt as well, no doubt the Mums will know DS is the culprit after talking to them and God knows what they will think.

Any advice is welcomed.

redwhiteandblueeyedsusan Wed 03-Oct-12 18:06:13

welcome to the bench... come on sit down, I have chocolate.

not necessarily the fault of being an only. ds has a sibling who he bites/hits/snatches off so do not blame yourself for that.

where do you go from here? well you work with the school. you talk to him about strategies he can use if he is getting frustrated, eg walking away, telling the teacher if someone snatches from him first etc. ask the school for some guidance as to how to help him settle, get him to bed early and well fed in the morning and at lunch. (if packed lunches) make an extra effort to be lovely and friendly to other mums. and discipline overtly in the playground so that they know you do care.

oh and have some more chocolate.

Pleaseputyourshoeson Wed 03-Oct-12 18:24:35

What a nice bench you have there redwhiteandblue! smile

guttedmum Wed 03-Oct-12 18:29:08

Thanks for the advice (and chocolate)...

I'm already on top of a lot of the stuff you mention. DS is tucked up in bed for around 7.30 every evening and I always make sure he has a good breakfast before we leave the house. We read and do crafty/baking shit together and often play games that involve sharing, taking turns etc...

I will try and mix with the other Mums though...I haven't yet spoken to anybody at the school gates as it seems like friendships are already firmly established from most of the children attending Nursery together. I just need to be warm and confident in my approach.

It hurts to learn that he is disruptive and unkind when I'm not around...it's also the thought of the other children - and Teacher - disliking him when I know what a gem he can be MOST of the time.

I really hope this is just teething troubles or a (very short) phase.

crosscupcake Wed 03-Oct-12 18:32:00

crosscupcake slides up the bench and says "hi"!

I was there too.
I dreaded it, "can i have a word Mrs cupcake" were the dreaded words for several weeks after my ds started school.

But the good news is that it soon settles, it really does. Just ride the storm for now.
Plus "whispers"..there will be other kids with worse behaviour, if not now...definitely to come. They all kind of take it in turns!

Dont worry, it will be ok x brew

SnowWide Wed 03-Oct-12 18:35:30

Idiot teacher!! Presuming an only child will have problems sharing...seriously, they keep all the stereotypes well and alive, dont they?

Sorry gutted, no practical advice from me, and please dont react too badly in front of DS. He may become even more distressed. Take a deep breath, you are getting good help from the bench ^ grin

slipslider Wed 03-Oct-12 18:35:48

How about inviting his new friend to come and play. As an only child he may not have the skills to react to someone say trying to take something he was working with or if another child wanted to sit where he had set his heart on doing so....helping him to develop these social skills outside of the classroom would help him immensely.

And just for the record, a lot of children can not share these days as parents with more than 1 child buy more than 1 of each thing (DS, telly, x box etc) to stop arguments which technically rids the problem of children not being able to share but it doesn't teach them how to either! And as adults have their own telly etc in the house they are not modelling the behaviour they want their children to learn...I would suggest lead by example and take turns doing things like watching tv in just one room - sharing time equally so he gets to understand that if he has his turn for a set time, then it is only fair others have a set time also. Good luck!

cansu Wed 03-Oct-12 18:39:34

Teacher may have made remark about being an only child to help op feel better! Try not to be too upset OP. Focus on being supportive of strategies at school and make sure you reward your ds for having a good day at school etc.

mogandme Wed 03-Oct-12 18:39:45

Sits on the bench. My reception dc is "LIVELY" according to the teacher hmm also like it at home so wasn't too surprised :-(

mogandme Wed 03-Oct-12 18:40:15

Sits on the bench. My reception dc is "LIVELY" according to the teacher hmm also like it at home so wasn't too surprised :-(

guttedmum Wed 03-Oct-12 18:47:04

Aww thanks everybody...will take the advice and that brew (save the wine for later).

SnowWide - His teacher actually seems rather lovely...I think she was trying to clumsily reassure me. She did mention that she'd been through similar experiences with her own children ("We've all been there...") but I honestly just wanted to burst into tears on the spot.

I think I was initially being too tough on DS...you give very sound advice.

<Room on the bench for another? I have a cadburys bubbly...>

I've had the "can I have a quiet word?" a couple of times this week.
DS is 5 (yr 1) and just being a bit of a bugger.

I think the teachers opinion about being an only child is wrong fwiw. I know plenty of children, DS included, who struggle to share. All have siblings.
When DB and I were young, DBs teacher blamed my mum being a lone parent for his (sometimes) poor behaviour-she was wrong too!

Sorry, no advice- but plenty of brew and sympathy!
You're not alone.

Herbsmum Wed 03-Oct-12 19:00:32

Oh gutted, welcome to the emotional rollercoaster that is school.
Can I also have a seat on the bench red white and blue?
We are 3 years ahead of you but I can so vividly recall the abject horror we felt at the beginning.
We were told that we should consider CAMHS input for our family before my daughter also turned out to be the same. My son apparently had no friends, yet would get invited to play dates. He was constantly reprimanded and told he was a baby and stupid. For a long time I didn't sleep and couldn't see how my son could be viewed as this awful, angry little boy when we had no real issues at home.
We had a psychologist into the school in the end who observed my son and concluded that he was very normal, very animated and liked by his peers. Just needed to have his attention held and to be stimulated.
Now he has gone into juniors and has a fab teacher who has nothing but praise for him. I really do think a lot of it is immaturity and adjusting to structure and routine in a formal setting.
In adult life we have personality clashes, I think this also applies in schools. The teacher that had such an issue with my son is just an individual I would not cross over the road to say hello to.
I try to be more relaxed and not so uptight about him. He will be what he wants to be. I can't fight his battles forever and I know he is a kind and likeable boy.
Try not to let it become all consuming. It will be ok.

sittinginthesun Wed 03-Oct-12 19:02:02

Hi OP - just wanted to say that it takes me back to DS1's Reception class. For the first few weeks, one boy was constantly in trouble, pushing, kicking, biting. sad

The mum was so upset, but she was (and still is!) a completely lovely person, who was open and friendly in the playground, and who worked with the school regarding her son's initial problems.

Sure enough, by end of Reception, he was absolutely fine, and is still a popular boy, with lots of friends.

In his case, it was partly an age thing. He is the youngest in the year, and was still in the midst of the 4 and a half years testosterone surge!

Think what I'm trying to say is, hold your head up, get involved in the school, and hope all will be well.

wheresthebeach Wed 03-Oct-12 19:04:59

Ahem....budge up.
There may also be an issue if most of the kids went to nursery together. It's hard for 'outsiders' to break into established friendships. Sometimes the existing cliques don't seem to realise how hard it is. I had to say something to a sympathetic mum about how hard my DD was finding it to 'break in'...and that I was too. If they're nice (luckily 'mine' where) they'll make an effort to include your DS.

scottishmummy Wed 03-Oct-12 19:05:35

ok.deep breath this can be resolved
sensitive careful working and tact between you and school
invite some pals home, make wee tea and they will get used him as better behaved
approach the other mums acknowledge its been difficult (esp those mum of children hes hitten etc(do some play dates,make it clear you want to work hard to resolve this
Praise and big up his good stuff, talk about school positively

LBsBongers Wed 03-Oct-12 19:06:31

Back up the school by reinforcing at home that his hitting and biting is not acceptable, at the same time try to let him know that as his mum you are always going to be on his side.

It's a big step going into school full time it's a busy noisy place and he may be acting out because he's confused, frustrated or nervous. You need to strike a balance tackling his moments of poor behaviour whilst promoting his confidence.

Repeating the messages that ' we don't hit, it hurts and upsets people', ' how would you feel if you were hit', and praising good behaviour / being generally positive about school worked when my DS went through a hitting phase. You should also tell him to tell a teacher if he feels upset about something.

Try not to worry about other mums, some may be feeling smug or critical but one day their child will be ' the naughty one' and they might get an insight into how it feels.

Try to stay positive it will pass

Badvoc Wed 03-Oct-12 19:08:01

I think the whole being an only thing is horseshit tbh.
Ds1 was an only for over 5 years til ds2 arrived and he never had any issues.
Ds2 however..... smile
Lots of praise for good behaviour.
But discipline for bad behaviour...whether that be no tv, no pc time, whatever.
You aren't the only one, don't worry.

Viviennemary Wed 03-Oct-12 19:10:37

He's only four. And I don't really agree with only children being the ones that have difficulty sharing. A lot of children from bigger families don't like sharing either. But the teacher might have been trying to make things easier though. Anyway it's very early days and I'm sure he will settle down.

scottishmummy Wed 03-Oct-12 19:15:31

yes dont let anyone make this a singeleton issue
its not.plenty with siblings have their moments too
but with support and consistency with school it will pass

Tired. tired tired.
It turns them into monsters at 4 years old.
My DS1 was similar except that he was a poppet at school and a total changeling at home.
All good advice here, one thing that helped here was bringing bedtime forward to 6.30.

Pinot Wed 03-Oct-12 19:18:01

You are not alone!

Don't worry too much - it's still early days.

LBsBongers Wed 03-Oct-12 19:20:03

Was going to say bring his bedtime forward too, even an extra half an hour might help

Ghoulelocks Wed 03-Oct-12 19:20:28

Does it make you feel better to know I'm the school SENCO, do really well at work with supporting the 'naughty' children achieve yet my third is one of the 'naughty' ones? Doesn't that throw out the window the only one theory AND the theory it must be because you don't know HOW to teach good behaviour. My ds is improving quickly but has been a biter/ thrower/ pusher. He'll get there.

The best approach is 2 fold:
1-support behaviour at home, use similar rewards/ language (ask to see the chart in school and speak to them how they are phrasing things). Show you're a team
2-Be thick skinned about it.

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts Wed 03-Oct-12 19:21:28

A child in DDs reception class today kicked anther in the stomach...I saw it and I never thought "There's the naughty kid."

I just saw a 4 year old lose it and kick out without thinking.

greenhill Wed 03-Oct-12 19:23:18

He's only little. He's finding it all a bit much and he has acknowledged that he shouldn't have done it. That is half the battle.

I too think the teacher said the 'only child' thing as a way of not accusing him of having a personality defect wink the teacher knows he'll grow out of it pretty quickly too.

Everyone dreads the "can I have a word?" conversation, a little bit of you shrivels up and dies. Budge up, I've got some Revels...

Guttedmum don't worry about the teacher not liking him. It's highly unlikely. Good teachers rarely dislike any of their pupils, and certainly not just becuase they are 'naughty'!

Work with the school. Be firm but fair with your DS.

Loads of good advice already.

I was in your position once too. Turns out DS has Aspergers. Once the school realised this and put his behavioural issuea and difficulties down to his special needs they were increadibly supportive, working with DS and me to support him in school.

At 4 yrsl old he is onyl little, he'll learn! Lots of love, support, praise, and reinforcing the good behaviour. I'm sure the teacher will be doing that too, not just with your DS but with all of the new reception kids.

It's hard for them to settle into school life.

scootle Wed 03-Oct-12 19:37:28

The thing I have observed from watching dds' classes is that the boys really need a lot more physical exertion than they get. I would take your boy for a run round the park before he even gets to school, so that he is physically a bit tired.

I would not minimise the biting - that is pretty awful behaviour, and will not be accepted by the school. Ask the teacher how they intend to deal with it, and how you can back her up at home.

DD has already told me who the naughty boys are in her class - one of them was moved there from another class to get him away from another child. I really like all three of the mums, including the one whose son attacked dd! In fact, I have found engaging with the boy has helped him be a bit nicer to dd and dd to understand that he is not all bad.

guttedmum Wed 03-Oct-12 20:13:57

Oh you're all too bloody lovely and reassuring!

I'm taking in all the advice and I definitely think DS having a few pal around for a play and something to eat would help immensely.

I'm feeling miles better now...OH is home and we've discussed it all quite thoroughly and rationally and agreed on a few things such as extra praise for good behaviour, more sharing games, talking about how you can hurt your friends feelings.

Anyway, time for that wine...

doublemuvver Wed 03-Oct-12 20:39:41

I sympathise! Having similar issues with my DS in reception. In class he's fine but outside he's quite aggressive and gets into squabbles. He says he has no friends though a number of little boys say hello to him and his twin sister (my spy) in the same class says he does play with other kids sometimes. I think he may be testing the boundaries and once he realises those boundaries aren't moving I hope he'll be OK, maybe the same for your DS? But I feel mortified and just hope it'll soon pass for both my DS and yours. Chin up.

MrsZebra Wed 03-Oct-12 21:02:15

Guttedmum. I was going to post a similar thread yesterday. I could have written this. If it's any reassurance, my DS has three brothers, close in age, so lots of opportunities for sharing! It's not because he's an only one. Hope you enjoyed that glass of wine and things get easier for both of you soon. X

guttedmum Fri 05-Oct-12 09:28:36

Just dropped DS off and asked his teacher if his behaviour had improved at all since our discussion.

"Hi there, how was yesterday?"

"In a word...difficult"

Why do I get the feeling that translates as "HE'S A LITTLE ARSEHOLE!"

She did ellaborate a bit and told me that his unkind behaviour stretches to spoling his classmates work and throwing things for the sheer hell of it. On a one-to-one basis he is very kind and co-operative.

At home (yesterday) he was utterly lovely...we played Peppa Pig Jumbolina and he gave me a pat on the back because I won. We played Jigsaws and did a Dr. Seuss workbook and everything was peachy creamy.

His behaviour at school seems so at odds with his manner at home, which makes me feel bloody helpless to be honest.

mistlethrush Fri 05-Oct-12 09:51:26

I was the mother that people said 'Oh, you're X's mother!' blush. Ds was always just so full of energy and talk that everyone knew him (and probably had found out our full family history and what he'd been doing for the summer holidays and where he was going at the weekend).

I think the friends thing could well be brought over from nursery - how soon is his birthday? Can you invite any of the other children over or arrange to meet them for a play in the park or something at the weekend?

In terms of spoiling work or throwing things - he's clearly not engaged on the task that he's meant to be doing. That could be because he is still very young, but it could also be due to not being engaged by the teacher - or when he's starting to drift away, not being pulled back on-course soon enough. This is clearly difficult to manage in a large group of small children.

I also had the 'we see this often in only children' phrase. But as the child that they described to me at that particular meeting clearly wasn't the same one that I know from home and I have been told about by other parents who had helped out in class or who had had him over for playdates, I ignored the comment.

We did have a child join part way through reception who had very little English. He seemed to base his communication on hitting people. DS quite often placed himself between said boy and the girls in his class so the girls didn't get hit. However, that boy has now settled down and is not hitting (or not on the same regularity anyway).

I would talk to him about how he can communicate with classmates more effectively - and talk about what he would think about someone if they hit him or spoilt his work etc - and how it would be much nicer to have them as friends instead.

Things will improve!

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts Fri 05-Oct-12 09:55:18

Ah gutted how hard for you! is he particularly bright? Could he be needing more challenges in school?

Lizzylou Fri 05-Oct-12 10:01:36

*I was there too.
I dreaded it, "can i have a word Mrs cupcake" were the dreaded words for several weeks after my ds started school.

But the good news is that it soon settles, it really does. Just ride the storm for now.
Plus "whispers"..there will be other kids with worse behaviour, if not now...definitely to come. They all kind of take it in turns!*

Exactly what Cupcakes said. DS1 was a dream student, DS2, erm...not so much. It all works out.
Agree with the playdates and working with the school, he'll be fine no worries.

BobblyOrangeGoldGussets Fri 05-Oct-12 10:10:30

Sympathies OP. DS2 came home with an orange card in his second week for unprovoked hitting of another child because he wanted a toy. It really didn't sound like him, I was very surprised.

He has settled and so will yours.

I don't like that "only child" crap; it is lazy. All first children will be only children for some of the time. DS1 was an only child for five years. Meh.

BookieMonster Fri 05-Oct-12 10:12:57

Budge up, I have gin.
Some boys find the confines and expectations of formal education very difficult. I would imagine that things will settle down. One thing, it is up to the teacher to manage the behavior of students whilst in class. Venting at you achieves nothing. Perhaps you could push back a bit and ask her how she intends to manage his behavior in school. If he's well behaved with you and receptive to you talking about how he should be behaving in class, there's not actually a lot more you can do as you're not in the class with him.

beancurd Fri 05-Oct-12 10:17:51

Been there too, I think that it is normal for young children to struggle in this demanding semi formal environment. Actually it would take enormous energy for adults to negotiate such a change.

One of mine was a warm friendly delight at home but approached his peers like an angry bull. He had a number of children he liked and was great to them but was awful to some if the others.

Long term he just settled in and him and his next teacher loved each other. Not sure the first ever 'saw' him which didn't help.

rrbrigi Fri 05-Oct-12 10:22:53

What about if you reward him for being good and nice in the school (e.g.: with a chocolate or playing together or go to a place together what he likes a lot)? Lots of cuddle and love also help him to feel that you always will love him no matter what happens. Usually if my son does something wrong (e.g.: in the school or at home), when he calmed down we sit down and speak the situation through and at the end we have a conclusion what he should have done in that situation, so next time hopefully he will react in a different way.

Also I think you should book an emergency appointment with the teacher to discuss the behavior chart so you know what they would like to achieve with him in the school and you can support same behavior at home.

Children react differently when they start school, some won't even notice the difference between school and nursery, some will cry and will be upset for a while and some children will have bad behavior (I think most of the time when they do not want to do something what the teacher or other children ask from them). Also some children feel they are losing their privacy, their space. Imagine when 30 children all together in a classroom what is 3-4 times bigger than our living room (if we are lucky with the classroom); of course they feel a bit crowdie. And some children will be shocked by the lots of rules that they need to follow in the school. All of these things have an impact on their behavior. And I think that is why they behave differently in school and at home.

He only needs time (and lots of love) to get used to it. Do not worry he is so little and it will be better.

guttedmum Fri 05-Oct-12 10:45:04

It's very reassuring to hear of similar experiences and I welcome and take on board all the advice given so far.

I am already planning a small Halloween themed party for DS and some of his classmates. He is so animated and excitable when chatting about his new little friends so I do believe he is making progress on a social level.

I also spoke with a couple of the Mums yesterday on the way to the park so I think I'm making some progress too.

BigFatLegs - I do believe that he is bright but don't we all? He is a silly, typical 4YO of course but also very enthusiastic and knowledgable about music and films (...on a level that seems beyond his years). In the morning he selects music to dress to...his favourite at the moment is Nilsson Schmilsson by Harry Nilsson and he sings all the words as he dresses himself. He keeps the door closed because he likes to dance wildly and becomes very self-conscious if he sees us watching him.
He often asks me quite challenging questions and had a bit of a meltdown last week after learning that he would one day become an old person sad...I made an off-the-cuff remark because he said that he was going to do something before he was 102. It led to a very emotional conversation and him ruminating (read: sobbing) about death. He kept asking me if there was any way he could not become a very old man and asked me if I will love him just the same even when he is not "a cute boy". It was bloody horrible and I tried to be as delicate as possible...and naturally I filled his head with little white lies.
He may or may not be exceptionally bright but I think he is sensitive and has a strong artistic streak.

guttedmum Fri 05-Oct-12 10:50:48

Bookiemonster - You talk a lot of sense...and you have gin.

Beancurd - thanks

rrbrigi - I am really going to town with the praise and the cuddles at the moment...and I do think that is the best approach for both of us. Thanks for the advice and reassurance (again).

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts Fri 05-Oct-12 11:11:36

He does sound sensitive. My oldest has a fear of aging too! I suggest that you work with the teacher as much as possible...keep her informed and perhaps ask for a comment in his diary about his behaviour...so you don't have to keep asking her in person...then you can read it with DS and discuss it at home.

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts Fri 05-Oct-12 11:11:56

Have to say I love the idea of his wild morning dance in private! grin

YesAnastasia Fri 05-Oct-12 11:26:06

Wow, he sounds ace and what a character. He does sound super sensitive though (not that it's a bad thing) this might be causing his challenging behaviour because the others aren't on his wavelength and it's frustrating maybe?

I'm the mum who has to wait until all the other children have gone so they can tell me something, there's always something! It can get you down but it doesn't last forever.

Lavenderhoney Fri 05-Oct-12 11:40:52

Oh dear, is there room on the bench for me? My ds who is fabulous at home is engaging in some behaviour issues at school. He loves being at home and is comfy there, so i assume he is still getting used to the school environment.

Sharing- I am firm snatching a toy and saying you have to share is not sharing! Just ask if he is the one snatching or refusing to hand over when he has finished with it.

My ds gets bored v v quickly and is very quick to learn. He gets bored with repetitive work as he has done it wants to move on. He starts to mess which is unfair in children who enjoy repeating books over again. He says if he is naughty he gets left out of an activity he hates, so f course works this. The teacher is great but unfortunately ds is realising those who make most fuss gets the mot praise over and above these good little souls who don't cause problems.

I also hate the little wave and can I have a word, my heart sinks as he is such a great boy, very sensitive to emotions, artistic and perhaps is unfortunate not to be a personality that fits the school environment of rules etc. some kids are like that, and have to find a way as its going to be a long time til they leave! Sorry for long post but it's a lonely walk from class to the gatesmile but now i know I am not alone...

Lizzylou Fri 05-Oct-12 11:44:44

guttedmum, your DS sounds utterly fantastic, a real character.

A Halloween party would be fab.

Honestly, a few months from now and you will be amazed you even worried about him.

guttedmum Fri 05-Oct-12 12:04:07

I do think his sensitivity might be a factor in this but I didn't want to get in to it too much with his teacher as I thought I might come across as though I was excusing his behaviour and being overly defensive. It seemed as though he was experiencing A LOT of rejection from the other children during his first couple of weeks with regards to striking up friendships ("A said he doesn't want to be my friend because B is his best friend", "I tried to play with C but he told me to stop following him", "D asked me to move away from his at lunch because he wanted to sit next to E"). A fair few of the kids are already friends from Nursery and he's the sort who becomes rather besotted with certain children, usually the loudest, funniest characters and I can just imagine him trying to tag along and probably coming across as a needy wee thing.

I've reassured him...told him to be kind to the other children, take turns etc. and the friendships will come naturally. God I hope so.

The ritual morning 'rock out' is very lovely and hearing him sing and leap about upstairs thinking he might come through the ceiling at any moment does make me smile. A couple of weeks back we were getting The White Stripes - Elephant at full pelt from around 7.30am in the morning...the baseline from Seven Nation Army and his gravelly White-esque caterwaul was uh...a wake up call like no other.

(disclaimer: our neighbour leaves the house at around 6am every morning!)

guttedmum Fri 05-Oct-12 12:10:30

Lavenderhoney - Sounds just like DS...artistic and emotional, I'm already dreading the teenage years. I definitely need to (wo)man up to get through this school shit. wine for all.

orangeberries Fri 05-Oct-12 14:35:04

Did your DS attend nursery or preschool and if so how was he there?
It sounds to me that it is difficult to discipline if this behaviour is to do with a school type setting. Did he have a settling in period?

My DS2 (third child, just to reassure you and one of 4!) had a terrible time when he started pre-school aged 2 and a half; he had never been in a setting and was just like your son,ncluding the biting. He settled down after 3 months or so as he got used to the structures and routines.

KitKatGirl1 Fri 05-Oct-12 14:56:58

You've had excellent advice, OP, re the behaviour and also your ds sounds adorable.

Won't add too much except you have absolutely the right idea in trying to make as much effort as possible to get on with the other Mums and also to support school and be on the same side.

Ds was a very difficult child in reception - has Asperger's - and there was lots of biting and knocking over off stuff etc. I think it really helped that I volunteered at school and with the PTA and made an effort to get to know the other Mums, even if they did seem cliquey; so they could see that ds had his good side, we were 'good' parents and supportive of school etc etc so that as much as possible some kind of social life was still possible for ds. I know it sounds harsh but it's almost as if they were more accepting of ds's little transgressions if they knew and liked me.

Keep on with all the good advice (and be consistent) and I hope it's not that your ds is too unhappy at school that he's acting out. He sounds very artistic and bright and they do say 'all behaviour is a form of communication'. I'm sure it'll improve when he breaks into some of the friendship groups already formed. Good luck!

guttedmum Fri 05-Oct-12 16:04:05

Yay...I got a thumbs up and a "better"...and DS came out of school looking like Swamp Thing so he's obviously been having good fun at playtime. He is very pleased that he has a certificate for good behaviour on the wall at school so I've been on praise overdrive for the past half hour.

orangeberries - He did attend a Nursery for 3 hours a day 3 times a week but it was very informal learning through play with just a bit of focus on being quiet, listening etc. at circle time. He never really had any problems settling in there.

KitKatGirl1 - The advice and support I've been given on the thread has been absolutely priceless. I'll be making a BIG effort with the Mums next week...trying to find a common ground and hopefully even make some new friends myself.

bialystockandbloom Fri 05-Oct-12 16:22:26

His behaviour at school seems so at odds with his manner at home, which makes me feel bloody helpless to be honest.

Does sound like he's finding it hard to cope in a group, and maybe amongst lots of children his own age. Very different from being with adults (who will always give attention in a way children don't), and especially a parent 1-1. Have you seen much of him around other children? eg at nursery, parties, playgroups etc before he started school?

If it was me, I would invite some of the children from his class round (one at a time) and observe closely what he's like. You need to judge for yourself what he's like with other children.

The teacher may not realise how her manner of telling you is upsetting you, but imho you need to listen to her, I'm sure she is saying it to help rather than criticise. However, ask her what she will be doing to combat this, as if (as you say) it is only an issue at school, there is not much you can do about it - the school need to be doing more than just coming complaining you to at hometime.

jigglybottom Fri 05-Oct-12 18:10:36

Oh hun I have had it all!...quiet words at home time, when this didn't work being told for all to hear at the door, looks and whispering from other mums, other pupils actually running up to my son to tell him how naughty he is. Tried everything at home to try and help in the school- rewards, discipline, chatting, examples of good behavior, but the funny thing was the bad behavior was only at school!! I had not (and still haven't)seen any of the things they were telling me at home infact Ds is the complete opposite confused, So how can we change something-somewhere where we can not SEE what is causing the behavior?? and when a teacher does not want to divulge any info other than "jigglybottom junior has hit someone today...its unacceptable" and doesn't think it important to tell you anything else other than deal with it. what can you do?

kittykato Fri 05-Oct-12 19:07:24

Hey benchers - can I join you? My DS's teacher has had quiet words for all of KS1. Got reputation in Reception (tho' prob was with snidy mothers rather than teacher that thought his behaviour 'wasn't an issue'!). However, since he's been the naughty kid for last 2 years (and I have to say 50% or poss more was down to another child - thankfully left the school - that kept lying about DS to get him trouble), he's now got a 'reputation' that is following him up through the school sad No-one invites him to playdates, but I'm glad as that says more about the parents, as I know he's popular at school.

Is light at the end of the tunnel as there are now 'naughtier' boys in his class. It's a sad day when your little one says to you 'I'm probably 3rd naughtiest now', even he's labelling himself.

OP sorry I can't give any advice. Think some children just need longer to mature...

Lizzylou Fri 05-Oct-12 20:23:46

Yay for thumbs up ans certificate! Good lad!
Ds2 was perfectly well behaved in preschool. It was as if at school he thought " hang on, 1 teacher, 1 Ta and 28 children??? I can go WILD!"

CockBollocks Fri 05-Oct-12 21:09:38

Good lord your DS sounds exactly like mine! Lots of good advice here, so wont repeat it again. Couple of things I would like to add

Ask that the teacher talks too you away from the school gate, a phone call or note.

Dont expect it to change quickly, it might, but my DS has only just got to a much more settled level at school in Y2.

Get thick skinned.

kitty my DS said to me last week "the naughty bit in my brain has gone now mummy" sad

monicamary Fri 05-Oct-12 21:35:39

Hi gutted mum.So glad you started this thread as i have been dreading going into school for pickup and to hear can i have a word.Must say what a lovely bunch you are and i dont feel so down now after hearing your advice and stories.
My Ds is the lovliest sweetest boy at home and on playdates.If one of his friends is hurt at the park he checks them and goes and finds their mum.
So to hear he is not listening or being rough at school has really upset me.

neverputasockinatoaster Sat 06-Oct-12 15:32:04

Slide up people!

I am the mum who has had people saying in that tone - 'Oh, so You're DS's Mum...'
I have had After School club tell me that the other children have reported thta DS has done X. Y and Z that day.
I have had the 'Can I have a quick word?' at the end of the day.
Parents have asked me not to leave parties as they've heard DS can be a bit 'difficult'

DS has ASD. He struggled to cope with large groups,noise etc. He struggled to cope with others misbehaving and tended to hand out discipline himself....

DS is now in Y3. He is loved by all his class mates and is valued by his school. Parents who avoided me now talk to me and tell me how lovely DS is. He gets put in the good behaviour book all the time.

Things change. I would never have believed that 3 years ago but they do and your DS sounds lovely.

Good luck!

artifarti Mon 15-Oct-12 13:11:00

I found this thread on Friady evening, when I was in tears after another afterschool 'word' from DS1's Reception teacher and just wanted to say that it really helped reading it - so if any of you are still about, thank you. DS1 only started school three weeks ago (only turned 4 six weeks ago sad) and although he is enjoying it, making progress and making friends, he is also getting into trouble for hitting, biting etc. He has had phases of this before so it wasn't a surprise but still so disappointing as he is so lovely for much of the time. I worry desperately that he won't have any friends if it continues sad His teacher was going to make him a sticker chart at the weekend and says his behaviour mainly seems to be borne of over-excitement. Deep breath later to go and pick him up. How is everyone else doing?

BobblyGussets Tue 16-Oct-12 21:18:16

Oh Atifarti, you are not alone.

DS 2 got his second orange card for pushing another little boy off a chair because he wanted a turn on the computer. I can hardly believe he is like that, as he wasn't like that at all at pre-school.

I think the hours at school are long and thirty children in his class with just two adults is a bit much for some children.

But yes, I felt terrible for the other little boy when the teacher told me.

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