Advice about yr3 girl and frier friendships/confidence or lack of !

[katiestar]

My DD1 is 7 and at a small village primary.There are 5 girls in her yr group.Since she started school she hasn't really made friends with the others.In reception I helped in her class and the girls WERE very cliquey and real little madams.She is very quiet and I think frightened of them.She plays a little with the younger girls but the older ones try and break them up. things haven't really improved friendshipwise over the 3+ years she has been there.I have asked the teacher many times if she is doing something to make the others dislike her.The teacher always says no.It is the other girls who are very pushy.When I see her at playtime she will sometimes approach the other girls and ask to play and they will all chorus 'we are not playing anything' or else run away.Or occasionally they will let her play but change the rules to subtly bully her.The teacher says she will no longer speak aloud in class and reads so quietly in guided reading that she can't be heard.
She use to play with the boys a bit but they are getting to an age where they are very rough.She often is getting pushed over of punched.One day her cousin stung her in the face with a nettle.Yestreday she came home with a headache and eventually said he had kept chasing after and bouncing a basket ball on her head.
she has had no trouble at all making friends on holiday and at out of school clubs at Brownies all except one of the girls in her class are there and they are OK with her .However just recently I have noticed she lacvks confidence making friends here too.
She keeps asking if she can change schools.I am beginning to feel this has all gone on too long now and that I should insist teh school takes notice.
She is doing OK academically - top table for everything. She is no 3 out of 4 children in our family
Any advice please.It has been too easy to let this drift

[ouchitreallyhurts]

Katiestar - I could have written your post myself, my eldest has been through the same. In fact we recently helped a journalist in the Guardian and this is my daughters first paragraph

"I worry about two people at my school who are mean to me. They change the rules of games when I try to play and then shout at me. I write them letters when I'm at home, in a notebook I keep by my bed. When I've written the letter, I tear it up and then I feel better."

she is only 7 and I am totally shocked by just how bitchy the girls in her class are!

I would definately speak to the teachers/head - I did and it helped in that the class teacher spent some extra time talking about feelings but also kept a closer eye in the playground (where most of the nastiness takes place)tell them that your dd is asking to change school due to it all.

take care

[hedgiemum]

All I can suggest is to persist with talking to the school about it. It must be hard being one of only 6 girls in a year group, and it means there are less strategies for the school to try, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't make an effort. Is moving schools a complete non-starter?

I have real sympathy; I went to a village school where I felt very left out and it affected my confidence for a long time.

[marialuisa]

How easy it would it be to move her? Girls of this age can definitely be vile but it sounds as if it's an ongoing problem.

My dsis(8) was at a very small village school and appeared to be painfully shy and lack friens. She moved to a bigger (30 to a year) school and has blossomed because she's finally met some girls on her wavelength.

[slightlyonedgemum]

Are any of them nicer to her when the others aren't around?

If they don't like her playing with other pupils (and my niece has had the same problems), why don't you invite the nicer pupils over for a play? That way she gets to be used to them and hopefully will relax at school (or her friends will argue with her bullies on her behalf)....

Oh and have words with her cousin or his mother.

[katiestar]

Thanks for your replies.The odd thing is 4 of the 5 girls go to Brownies and seem much nicer and more friendly there.So I am wondering whether the girl who doesn't go is the source of the problem ?
I will speak to her teacher again next week.

[katiestar]

Ouchitreallyhurts - your story moved me to tears.What a carthartic experience though to write an article about it !

[fidgetyfeet]

I agree - goose bumps all over. What a mature way to dela with her feelings though -you should be so proud of her for having a strategy.

[dinny]

your poor dd

my dd is at a village primary and has had similar problems - she is starting a new school in September and I hope it proves the right decision

other than moving school, can you speak to the teacher and/or the head and agree a plan of action?

[piscesmoon]

Unfortunately it is one of the disadvantages of a small school. It can work really well, but if you get the wrong mix of personalities it is a disaster. She simply hasn't got a big enough friendship pool.Not only is it small but it is an odd number so anything needing a pair will leave one of the girls to pair with a boy.
I would move her to a larger school, even if it only had a one form entry you would have about 14 girls, if you have 2 form entry you have a choice of nearly 30 girls.She has another 3 years to go-it is too long to be in that situation IMO. I would probably wait until September to have the fresh start.

[ouchitreallyhurts]

The Brownies issue is the same here! one of the girls goes to Brownies and when the two of them are together there they are best friends - strange these 7 year old friendships aren't they?!

I think some of the replies here have some great ideas - inviting the nicest of the group home for tea/play sounds good because then your dd has chance to play with them on a one to one and this could make her more confident.
We have come to the point where we are moving house anyway so will be going to a new school where the head appears to be more pro-active and very proud of her school - Its certainly something to consider as there woudl be more girls for your dd to meet and make friends with.

Thank you for your kind comments about my eldests' story - sorry for reducing you to tears Katie! it was cathartic for M to do it but quite shocking for me to hear as she said it all - I didn't realise just how deep her feelings were running at that point

sorry, just realised I've turned this reply all round on myself - I didn't mean to hijack the thread Ipromise but its just so similar to our story - I so hope you manage to find a solution xx