Playdates am I the only one who feels this way

[tevion]

Hi
Just wondering if anyone else feels as though they are in a similar situation to me.
My ds is an only and I constantly worry that he doesn,t get enough company of his own age.
Ther are no children of his age in the family and I myself am fairly shy which has always been a real curse for me.
There is a bit of a lack of children in the neighbourhood for him to play with.
I therfore try and arrange playdates for him from school and also I keep him in ouch with mates from his old infant school.
The problem is that I sometimes feel as though I am beating my head up a wall as its always me that does the running, who phones other parents asking if their dc wants to come over and play and I have found that despite alot of my efforts nobody ever contacts us and suggests getting our children together over holidays etc.
Poeple are usually more than happy for their child to come and I even take their dc's out spend money on them etc.
I feel as thoug my ds would never see a soul if it wasn,t for my efforts and although I know people lead busy lives etc I just think that they could also make the effort sometimes to contact us.
Am I the only one to feel this way or is it me been silly.
Should I carry on as I am despite this.

[tevion]

I have also tried my best to arrnage some playdates at my ds's school which have not come off because me and the other parent have not seen each other on the proposed day.
I sort of don,t want to feel as though I am hounding people for playdates and I know that sounds really stupid.

[Doodle2U]

Tevion, how old is he?

Rather than doing all this play-date malarky, why not enrole him in Beavers/Cubs, swim club, karate etc - maybe choose two clubs per week. That way, he gets lots on interaction with children his own age and hopefully, he'll meet kids from other schools, thus expanding his social network.

Much easier than play dates.

I tend to keep having friends back to just on Fridays for a number of reasons. (I make an exception for my lovely friend Gorionine who posts on here). Try just allocating one day a week if you really want to carry on with playdates - makes you more organised.

Don't worry about not getting return invites, don't read anything in to it. It'll happen when he's older and the children start to sort their own dates out!

[tevion]

He is 8 Doodle.
He never wants to do clubs and when he has they have not really got him friends just people that he sees once a week for an hour or so.
Do people normally arrange playdates with children that their dc's meet at clubs.
I think a big part of the problem is me I need to make friends.

[camembertandcranberry]

I do find there's a bit of a difference in enthusiasm between those with onlies and more than 1 dc.

Could you work out which other children are only children too? As long as they're likely to get on of course...

[Doodle2U]

Well now, here's a thing....my mum was an alcoholic and the only friends she had were Mssrs Gordons and Cockburn. With absolute benign neglect, I managed to make enough friends to see me through without her doing anything, as will your son.

Please, please, please don't put yourself under extra pressure to get yourself out there for his sake.

Re-think the clubs...the people he only sees for an hour once a week, will, if the sport or hobby keeps them interested, become long-term friends over time.

[Portofino]

I'm in the same boat. DD is 5 and is always talking about her school friends coming to visit. We're abroad, and despite the language barrier i have succeeded in getting a couple here for playdates. They promise to return the favour, but no-one has done so yet. It's hard, especially as she has started to get "I'm bored, mummy" at the weekends. She does go to a gym class, and i try to take her swimming/we go out for family walk. But I have started to feel a bit "guilty" that she is an only....

[CarofromWton]

I sometimes feel like you OP - I have 2 DDs - 10 and 5 years old. Whilst they do sometimes have invites, it's nearly always me that has to do the running. 9 times out of 10 I do the arranging, hosting, feeding, entertaining etc etc - all because my DDs are very sociable and really like to have their friends round.

Get really fed up with it being one-sided though. Mine have always done activities too and have occasionally made friends there, but once again, I find I have to initiate any social events.

I think my main problem is we live quite remotely from other families with young children. Will watch this thread along with you ...

[motherinferior]

Hmm, but do you have to 'entertain'? IME a playdate involves bringing home an extra child or two, and then feeding them later.

I think it's really nice for kids to have friends round. And also quite important in terms of learning social skills and just hanging out and getting on with people.

[CarofromWton]

Yes I agree it's important motherinferior, which is why I make such an effort with it. It's also why I keep ringing people (at the risk of seeming needy) to arrange my kids' social life!

[motherinferior]

I do apologise - I went off at a tangent and was more answering the post above. But I don't honestly think you need to take them out or anything. Really.

[CarofromWton]

No apology required mother! I'm a bit touchy about this subject.

I agree you don't need to take them out - they always seem more than happy just hanging out in the house or running around the garden. When I think back to my childhood, those simple days hanging out with friends on our bikes were the happiest! Oh - that makes me sound as old as God's dog.

[newnamer]

I found playdates more complex to arrange, but then made friends with a new neighbour who had a dc of similar age to my ds.

It was a godsend! My ds had someone in the same street to go and play with. Because he saw him regularly, it didn't seem to matter at all that they went to different schools etc.

My advice: try and make friends with someone and go on from there

[faraday]

We live out of catchment- not by choice! And playdates have become an issue. Funnily enough it was DS1 I was worried about. He FINALLY made a friend in Y1 who-how can I put this?- came from a dodgy background involving the DCs being thrown about in the back of a transit van whilst the DOG was seatbelted! Anyway, this boy left the area... but luckily DS found a new mate and is now quite happily esconced in a group. They don't really DO playdates, though DS1 is always begging to go over to the estate to ride his bike around with his mates. We're now looking to buy in catchment at a good secondary. DS1 won't know anyone at the school but I believe he will make new friends quickly.

DS2 is now almost 8 and really hasn't made one good friend at all. A class chop up between Y2 and 3 (different school) didn't help at all. He doesn't have a strong personailty and tends to get overlooked by his erstwhile 'gang' from Y2 who are now in the 'other class'. He wants to have 4 boys over on his looming birthday but a) the chosen DSs change on a daily basis and b) I just don't know any of the DSs he names as they are only this year together for the first time and it IS a lot harder to get to know the mums in the junior playground.

He does do Beavers but after a year barely knows the names of the other boys who admittedly all go to another school. I am at a bit of a loss! Hopefully when we move (only a mile or so) we can move DS2 to the new local primary as I don't think he has any friends to miss from his existing school, and I'm hoping living near his new school mates will encourage friendships and playdates!

[tevion]

I have also had some problems working out who my ds's friends are.
He has only been at his junior school 6 months but his classmates have been together since nursery.
I have sort of pinpointed children that he does sort of seem to like and invited them over, but I am never sure if these other children see my ds as someone they want to share time out of school with. I
sort of get a bit concerned that I am getting this all wrong as I am sure that a parent wouldn,t like to say sorry but my ds doesn,t really like your ds so doesn,t want to come.
I know I would not want to tell someone that.
Its quite hard all of this playdate thing and I do wonder if I am the only one that worries about it as nobody ever goes out of thier way to invite my ds over even if their dc is an only.
I think that they must all have a great social life lined up for their dc and a ready set of cousins , neighbourhood children that their dc's play with.
I don,t want to look desperate for a social life for my ds.

[tevion]

faraday
I know what you mean about beavers my ds did it and although he got to know their names they were just people he saw once a week for an hour.
I also found that everyone seemed to know each other already and other children were with a friend or a sibling etc.
I do think faraday that at this age that moving closer to a school doesn,t always matter too much until perhaps they are older at secondary and start arranging their own get togethers, as me myself I am still having to break my neck to try and sort out a social life for my ds.
I moved my ds to a school in our area and the only good thing is that we can walk there and save on petrol, if he does have playdates its closer to take them back home and they have quite an early breakfast club enabling me to get to work on time.
I do have moments were I feel incredibly guilty for moving him as he did have a good set of friends at infant school although I know they have all been split up now in juniors, however even then it was always me that did all of the running with the playdate thing.

[faraday]

Yes, I console myself a bit that the most active playdate thing that goes on that I know about is between a group of parents who have 'onlies'- not exclusively but the one who isn't has a far younger sibling. I admit to feeling a bit jealous when in the after school pick-up melee it's all "Oh, I can pick 'x' up tonight on my way through to football/beavers/swimming" or "well, would it be easier if 'y' comes home with me tomorrow and I'll feed him then bring him to football/beavers etc etc, then you bring them home?"- in this way those boys consolidate their in-school friendships yet further but because I live 3 miles away I can't 'encourage' or join in in that way at all.

Admittedly I DO wonder how many of those boys' friendships are 'real' and how many happen because of parental convenience (the boys are 7 going 8)! I know that privately all of the parents have different ideas about which secondary! They tell ME in confidence because they don't see me as someone to whom it'd matter!

I am fortunate in having 2 DSs, only 2 years apart who do play quite well together but it would be nice if I got the odd phonecall on holidays asking if we'd like to meet up rather than it always being ME (and then, on one occasion, getting a luke-warm response- only to discover it was because they'd arranged something else, a thing we could EASILY have mucked in on but maybe they were feeling particularly cliquey that day!)

There ARE some lads in DSs class I could possibly 'work on' but I KNOW it wouldn't be reciprocated because these boys come from rather neglected backgrounds thus the parents just wouldn't get round to it. Also- dangerous ground here, I have heard that one or 2 have already been cautioned for shop lifting as they wander the estate half the evening. DS2 is 'easily lead'. It'd be difficult enough if DS2 chooses these boys as friends, but I don't want to thrust him with them!

[tevion]

I know what you mean about listening to parents arranging their childrens social lives together I get really envious of that sort of thing.
I have just never managed to get into that sort of a clique and I feel bad for my ds because of it.
I am aware of children whose moms are well in together and so the children are sort of forced together but I have managed to find out from bits of conversation from other moms that they actually cannot stand each other, so yes I do think some children are forced together even though they are not suited simply because their parents live close and get on well together.
Its hurts when you find out that other moms have something planned for their children during holidays etc and your not included however I blame myself alot as I know I should force my way into the clique.
I would keep him away from children that you know are into shoplifting etc he has plenty of time to make much better friends than that.
Whereabouts are you faraday.

[Vinegar]

hi tevion, just wanted to tell you about my experience. DD was an only child for a long time, so I know exactly how you feel. It seemed like everyone had family or friends living closeby, no one was interested in trying to initiate any sort of social contact. Sometimes it was because the mum was working full time, other times because the child had some activity or the other. One mum with 3 children just found it too much, as she could just about manage her 3. Other times it was the mums arranging it between themselves and I wasn't in their circle. I think when you have a only(and no family around)it becomes so important in your mind that your child needs friends, but then you realise for most people school friends are completely unimportant. I agree with those that have suggested your son join a club, doing something he really loves. He might make friends, he might not, but atleast it will allow him to interact with other children and do something he enjoys. Also, sometimes when we look at things from the outside, it can seem more idealic than the reality. DD eventually made a good friend and I became friends with her mum. We did all that arranging to go out/socialising thing, everything I really wanted for dd. However, dd's little friend started getting very bossy and controlling and now I am trying to put some distance between them outside school. Try not to worry about getting return playdates, it's not personal. Also don't feel like you have to call other children over if it is too much of an effort. I would however take him out more and force myself to chat to people. What I have found is that the more we go out - parks, museums etc, the more people I meet and the easier it gets to chat to people. Your sons friendships will evolve naturally and without you help.

[kaz33]

A good one is to ask other parents for favours to pick your kids up from school because you have an appointment. Especially if they owe because you have had their kids but they haven't recepriocated, I find they haven't meant to exclude but just haven't got around to it. Or maybe when mum has said to her kid - lets have a playdate the kid has suggested another kid not yours. So somehow they have not got round to it IFYSWIM.

[amidaiwish]

DD1 is in reception and many of the other mums seem really into this playdate thing. i think it is a hangover from the nursery (DD1 didn't go) where they finished at 11.45 every day and going home with someone else was a necessity for mum's sanity up and down to school all day.

Anyway, there is an 18m gap between my two DDs and DD2 is always lost if DD1 is off at someone's house. plus if DD1 has a friend here then there are 3 which always seems to end in tears from someone left out or fed up. it is far easier just leaving DD1 and DD2 to their own devices at home, they play happily together/side by side.

But, i have gone along with the playdate thing for DD1s benefit. I definitely "owe" a few returns and do intend to reciprocate. I try and allocate wednesdays to playdates, a good idea to assign a day as mentioned before.

anyway, thought i would post from the other point of view. it isn't because DD1 doesn't like the other children or doesn't want to go to their house, just that tbh it is far easier NOT to for me.

[faraday]

Yes, that's valid too!

I found that it was easier if I had TWO playdates home at once when DS2 was in Y2 because most of his 'mates' being onlies, would gravitate immediately towards my older DS, Y4 at the time who was deemed to be 'more fun'. So I evened it up as far as poss. by inviting a Y4 DC along too. I now sort of feel that if I were to invite one of DS2's erstwhile 'mates' over, they'd no doubt come but I'd feel they'd rather be with their 'real' mates, the ones they sit next to in class, play footy with, go to Beavers with, swim with... it IS all a BIT 'close'! I AM in on the mum's 'clique' to a large extent in that I get invited out to the evening pub do's etc but the 'issue' is DS2 just doesn't have a strong personality, whereas these onlies do seem to! He IS quite easy to overlook! He's also quite immature though improving.

Personally I suspect a change of school will make all the difference. I wouldn't move him JUST becasue of this playdate thing- as someone else said, I THINK I stress about it more than him!- but moving school will be a side effect of relocating to a desirable secondary catchment for DS1.

I live in southern Hampshire, tevion.

[hmc]

Are you analysing it all too much?

I issue more invites for playdates on behalf of the children than we get back (we get 80% return rate, I s'pose) - but it's no biggie as far as I am concerned. The children like having their school friends over and it's no extra hassle for me ....I don't really keep score

[faraday]

hmc, I guess the crux of the matter is 'their school friends'. In my (and perhaps tevion's) position, there seems to be that sneaking worry that one's DC doesn't actually HAVE the sort of friends who care enough about them to pester their mums about a reciprocal arrangement! The mums of course might leap on the chance for a few free hours whilst you entertain and mind their DCs via a playdate, but you're actually arranging these visits to consolidate friendships that will contribute to one's DC's feelings of self-worth and happiness. You actually worry that your endless arranging of playdates with no or minimal reciprocation makes your DC look a bit needy which is very uncool in the modern playground!

So it really isn't about 'score', it's about our DC's happiness.

[hmc]

I didn't mean to appear dismissive - I just think there is a good deal of over analysing and over sensitivity here (sorry, there I go not mincing my words again)...why would your children appear 'needy' rather than simply gregarious and outgoing?

Quite sure that other children do not pester their parents for return play dates with my kids...think it is more of a case of an unwritten code of conduct amongst parents that if you have their kid around, they will have yours at some point (mostly...but not invariably...sometimes they need shaming into an invitation by you issuing a second invite when they haven't yet reciprocated the first )