girls and frienships

[poc]

I would love if any of you could give me some advice. My 6y old dd's best friend doesn't want to play with her anymore (she now has another best friend)and although this happened 8 months ago, my dd seems unable to move on and make other friends in her class. She has a v. strong character, and insists on playing with her former best friend. I think that one of the reasons why she doesn't make friends is that she insists on playing her own games rather than joining in with whatever game the others are playing. DD is upset about it and I don't know how to help her. 8 months is long time for a little girl! Is this normal for her age and gender? has it happened to any of you?

[Cosette]

I have 2 DDs now 12 and 11, and we seem to be either through or having a break from the never-ending sagas of who's friends with who.

It does seem to be part of being a girl, and the picture can change from day to day or persist for several months. You need to encourage your DD to widen her friendship circle, and to learn to play games that others want to for the sake of joining in. If your DD is upset about it, then spend time talking to her about it, but rather than giving her the answers, try open questions so that she comes to the answers herself.

[mrsruffallo]

I think this is such a typical'girl' problem!
I don't know whaht you can do , other than try to encourage other friendships, and explain to your dd that it's not her fault.
It's very hard on them, isn't it, when a best friend turns their back on them.
Your dd sounds quite dominant, which is maybe what turned this girl away?
Amyway, it's all a learning curve, isn't it?
Try some playdates with other friends through the summer hols.
Best wishes to you and your poor dd, we've all been there

[mrsruffallo]

BTW, she soubnds completeley normal to me.
Are you friends with the mother?

[poc]

Hi both (Cosette and Mrsruffallo), thanks for your suggestions and specially for finding this situation normal! I am trying not to give advice, only ask qsts but somethow things seem stuck. 8 months seems like an awful long time to me and I worry this may leave scars and affect the way she relates to others in the future (happened a bit to me). She's dominant and that may be the reason why her friend decided to become bf with someone else. The lady who looks after them at the playground inplied that the best friend was a bit manipulative, and maybe that is also one of the reasons why my dd can't move on. Can't talk with the mother - it would have to be on the phone. Did you intervene when your dds had friendship issues?

[willali]

The other girl decided to become bff with another girl just because the wind was blowing from the west (or whatever!) - there is no rhyme or reason to it and I echo comments above about great tales from my DD (7) about who has fallen out with who and who sat next to who at lunch etc etc etc ad nauseam. Girls will be girls and you will get this for years to come I'm sure. I take the view that unless DD is coming home from school in floods day after day I just have to let the get on with things amongst themselves - don't get on the phone to other mother(s) - remember you only have one side of the story and in my experience it can be quite embarrassing to be confronted with the other side (reality in some cases!!). Small people cannot always be a reliable witness to what really has gone on and their own contribution to the situation!

[mrsruffallo]

I agree- it inly worth talking to the mum if you are very good friends and see each other a lot, otherwise it is awkward.
Apart from encouraging other friendships and building high self esteem, there is not a lot to be done.

[pgwithnumber3]

Unfortunately this is the female species! Your DD will move on in her own time, as sad as it is for you to watch, there is not a lot you can do to make her friends. An important part of growing up is making and breaking friendships, it is just not nice to watch when your child is upset. Can you not remember it happening to you in primary? I always used to be having HUGE fall outs with my friends.

I feel for you though, I am sick to death of DD1 falling out with her best friend. They have a love hate relationship and it is hard work to deal with sometimes.

[poc]

What worries me though is that this has lasted for so long (almost since the beggining of the year) and that it may make it difficult for her to build new relationships. Her self esteem seems fine to me, it's more her clear preference for playing her own games rather than joining in that is the problem. Can this be changed? Can she try to be friendly with other children? Rather than bossy or indifferent? I also had problems at school and as a result I avoided social life for a long time. That is why I'm not sure it is a good idea to let her sort out things by herself. When I had my problems, I could have done with some help.