Why is she the most popular girl?

[emkana]

There is a girl in dd2's reception class - and dd2 and lots of other girls constantly fight for her attention and want to be her friend.

Yet she is sullen, hardly ever smiles, doesn't say a word when adults are around, yet is incredibly loud and bossy and sometimes nasty when she thinks no adult is listening. One thing in her favour is that she is quite pretty.

Why why why is she so popular????? Can anybody enlighten me how girls that age think?

[PortAndLemon]

I've seen research that there's a big difference, even at this age, between "popular" and "well liked". The "popular" children are often as the girl you described, and while they may remain "popular" throughout school this tends not to carry over into adult relationships. The "well liked" children (identified by asking all the children in the class to name the half-dozen children they like best, or something like that (am vague on the details) tend to have good emotional intelligence and empathy, and do typically go on to have a strong social network in later life.

Or that's the gist of it, anyway...

[Bink]

What a fascinating question.

I should think it has masses to do with how much she is comfortable being the centre of all that attention, and working with it - so a sort of instinctively, tirelessly, naturally dominating character.

She probably always knows what she wants to play next, is never at a loss for what to say, has an instinct for who's a challenge to her authority & who's not ... you can just see how less confident, less downright certain, children would find her lead easy to follow. You find people like that in the workplace (and elsewhere too I guess, but the workplace is where I've seen them).

[Bink]

Oh - actually, of course, there was one of these in dd's class a few years back. Luckily, dd is one of those who have no truck with being dominated: I remember a delightful anecdote from dd - "Sometimes X [ie, the queen bee] says I can't play with her and Y and Z. So I just ask Y and Z and they say I can."

[dinny]

bossy and assertive wins the day at this age, IMO

till they get older and realise what are appealing character traits

I can't wait, there are two girls in dd's year (1) who totally dominate play and tell everyone who can and can't join in and they are very grown-up and bossy and not very nice

[dinny]

bet she has an elder sibling, that usually happens

or spends time with older children

[dinny]

we had one in my (tiny) class - she used to totally dictate who could join in/which game we played etc etc. she was the most deferred to, but certainly prob the least liked, it was more we were all scared of her domineering ways.

[emkana]

I find it really annoying, maybe I should grow up a bit but you just think "why her? WHY HER?"

[cutekids]

that fertility expert...name escapes me....on bbc did an experiment on this a couple of years ago. he showed photos to a group of kids and asked them who they liked and who they disliked. more often than not,most of the kids chose the "prettier" child or the one most pleasing to the eye and described them as being "friendly" or "happy" etc.

[S1ur]

Robert winston

[windygalestoday]

cuteids you mean my hero?

THE ROBERT WINSTON"!

yes he did an experiment wether it truly described how popularity is perceived i dunno but hes fab!!!!!!!

[cornsilk]

There's a girl like this in ds2's class.(Y2) Ds's friend dropped his lunchbox on the floor and she laughed at him with her friends. Ds told her off. His friend told his mum, who told me. I was proud.

[Peapodlovescuddles]

But it often carries on into secondary school doesn't it, dd1 (14) says that at her school the 'popular' girls are bitchy, moody, spiteful etc but also leaders and extremely confident. and no-one actually likes them, they assume the position and no-one questions it.

The 'nice' girls are the ones who are reasonably academic/try hard, kind to everyone, chatty and nice to the teachers. They are actually much more popular.

Its all a bit of a paradox really...

[MoominmammasHandbag]

When my daughter was in year six a very pretty, confident, new girl joined her class; a previously harmonius, friendly bunch of five or six girls. Initially my daughter got on really well with her and was thrilled to be 'best friends' with the cool new girl. But a few months down the line one of her more frumpy friends was getting bullied and the whole dynamic of the group had changed to a pre-pubescent bitch fest.

At the end of year six, in the summer holidays, my daughter turned down all social invitations from Miss Popular, making blatantly feeble excuses. Finally she 'blanked' her in the local library, so cuttingly that even I was a bit embarassed - this girl had slept at my house for God's sake.

My daughter's reasoning was 'I'm going to high school now, I can make much nicer friends and there's nothing she can do to make my life miserable'. I'm not sure whether I was proud or shocked at my daughters social ruthlessness.

[DarthVader]

I read recently that "popular" girls at this age are usually those with a dominant and aggressive style of social interaction.

[PrimulaVeris]

"Popular" does certainly not equate with well-liked. "Popular" girls - and boys for that matter - tend to be highly controlling and domineering. They have a little circle of acolytes who do not have sufficient strength of character to stand up to them.

Thinking of my own dc's classmates and my own, actually the "popular" ones were, underneath it all, the most disliked.

Moomin - I'd be proud of your dd. Mine has had a similar experience with an ex-classmate. I think it's important to show this kind of girl that she can move on and doesn't need her.

[JazT]

We've got a similar situation to this at the moment in my DD's Yr5 class. Girl joined the previously harmonious, happy class 2 years or so ago. Only 10 girls in the class. She proceeded to wreak havoc, being nasty, bitchy, spiteful etc always with her band of acolytes at her side. In the last few months, all the other girls suddenly seemed to see her for what she is (a total bitch-sorry but it's true)and have begun to stand up to her and for each other. It's taken them a while, but they got there in the end...

[FYIAD]

both my dds have been extremely popular at school

dd1 is in no way bossy! She is very even handed and kind, everyone has always flocked to her, she is naturally quite 'cool'.

dd2 is terribly bossy and qutie controlling but in no way a 'bitch' (and if I am honest I hate the use of that word to describe children)or aggressive.

[FYIAD]

"Popular" girls - and boys for that matter - tend to be highly controlling and domineering. They have a little circle of acolytes who do not have sufficient strength of character to stand up to them."

god that is not my experience at all

either at my dds primary or when I was at school

[MrsWeasley]

we have a similar thing with a boy in Year 3. Everyone wants to sit by him, some even being reduced to tears because they can't. Yet he is always getting them in trouble and will quite happily let them take the blame for his mis-doings. Its odd!

[PrimulaVeris]

FYIAD - thinking of my own dc's classmates experiences here. It's a particularly unpleasant issue at the moment and some girls have been very badly bullied - very sad. I should add that the school does not seem to be very good at dealing with the situation.

Also my own personal experience at a girls school - I was a quiet bullied one by "popular" girls so I'm highly sensitive to this.

[Marne]

She sounds like my dd1

Dd1 can be very bossy, likes playing on her own, can be shy at times but all the girls at nursery love her and all want to sit next to her.

Dd1 would rather be on her own, she has Aspergers and does'nt realy do socialising but i think because she is differant the other girls mother her. At the moment she has a friend who fights to sit next to her, dd1 would rather sit on her own and gets upset when this girl follows her evrywhere but i think the littlr girl just wants to look after dd1.

Dd1 starts school in september ,it will be interesting to see if she still has lots of friends.

[happystory]

Dd had a girl like this in her year 6. I actually read a message of hers to dd on MSN which said 'X is just jealous of me because I am so pretty' and her MSN taglines (or whatever they are called!) always revolve around her being cool or trendy. They are in year 7 now, of a much biiger school, and her 'power' has disipated somewhat. Dd can distance herself and has made new friends.