anyone else's dd/ds say people won't play their games at playtime?

[dinny]

dd (year 1) often plays by herself as she says no-one will play her games and "so and so's games are boring". wish she wasn't so stubborn, it never fails to make me sad thinking of her playing alone....

[Mercy]

Dinny, my dd is in Yr2 and still says things like this.

But I know she isn't really playing by herself (because I've asked). I think my dd just wants to get her own way a bit more because there is another child who seems to take over quite a lot of the time. However we have had little talks about how to deal with the situation.

Can you ask the playtime supervisor or whoever if she really does play alone quite often?

[bunnyhunny]

we have this issue quite often in key stage 1. They want to play their game, and if their friends don't want to they will fight or argue or play alone. Its very common.

I think you need to talk to her about perhaps asking her friends if they will play her game 1 day and theirs another, or theirs first at playtime and hers later, or merge the games etc etc. Essentially they need to learn to compromise!

[dinny]

thanks, Mercy,

yes, there are two very dominant girls who control half the class each, it seems! dd is really stubborn but not bossy, iyswim. can remember similar girl at school myself.

will ask supervisor if I can - she's not exactly approachable [blush
have asked teacher before and she always says T is v sociable...

just rattles me!

[cory]

Well, this is her first step to independence. She will have to learn to negotiate- or to be happy playing alone. Not something that you can do much about- she has to do her own growing up.

All you can do is suggest strategies: negotiation (if we play your game at breaktime, we can play mine at lunchtime), finding other friends etc.

But mostly what is required of us as parents is to lend a sympathetic, but non-interfering ear when a child wants to rant about their rotten day. Provide her with her own little personal mumsnet

Some kids are happy to be play alone- if she turns out to be one of them, it's not for you to wish her different, that might just be how she is.

If you think she is being deliberately left out, then speak to the teacher. Maybe there is something like a buddy corner where lonely children can find friends.

But as teacher has said she is sociable, I would just let her rant but not take it to heart. Point out the need to compromise once in a while, but don't agonise if you can't turn her into a totally different person overnight.

[littlerach]

Yes, dd1 is in year 2 and often comes home with tale sof so-and-so wouldn't play her game.

i spoke ot her teacher who wasn't aware of it, and also my neighbour os a dinner lady. She said they all do it!!

[cory]

IME once you have school age children, the hours between end of school and teatime turn into one massive never-ending AIBU forum . Except they never recognise the possibility that they might actually be unreasonable.

[dinny]

Cory, very sensible words indeed - she is very much her own little person in many ways. funnily enough, heard her speaking to a friend of mine about school, and she was saying how much she liked it, all the games they play - suppose they save the low bits to offload on their loved ones...

just wish I could be more matter of fact about it (try to be to her, but inwardly am sad!)

[dinny]

Litterach - may even go and have a peek when I drop ds off at nursery in a bit - or is that going to be heart-breaking??!

[GooseyLoosey]

Don't peek. I have made this mistake. They never perform and demand and it did indeed leave me more upset than before. If you peek, you may not see what you want to, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't happen.

Should also say, I have exactly the same worries and problems with ds in reception. I worry that he does not seem to be invited to the class birthday parties so think no one likes him.

[dinny]

lol, Gooseyloosey, funnily enough my mum alwasy calls me Goosey Loosey when am being soppy...

yes, you are right - think it ia a lot to do with at this age if they are loud/dominant/top of the cvlass or in some way stand out as to whether they get invited as suppose friendships are still forming....

gah!

[GooseyLoosey]

Its hard isn't it. I have cried over ds (who is very loud, bossy and stuborn)because I worry and he is sad and lonely. Then dh asked me what I was like as a child and when I thought back, I liked playing my own games and did not need to play with other children most of the time and yet I look back on my childhood and it seems happy to me. What I am trying to say is not to worry too much as dd may not see things at all the way you do!

[dinny]

yes, think it is hard not to project onto them, isn't it?

[wannaBe]

I guess the issue really though is whether she's concent playing on her own or whether this really upsets her. We've had this conversation before and it goes as follows:

me: "who did you play with today at break time?"
ds: "no-one."
me: "oh, why's that?"
ds: "because I wanted to play xxx and they didn't want to play that."

But he never seems sad that he had to play alone, or pushed out, and ultimately I know he will have spent some of the break time playing with someone.

It's one thing children playing alone because they have no friends and no-one who actually wants to play with them, but it's quite another when they play alone because they don't want to compromomise on their game and the playing alone is done through choice.

[dinny]

yes, think (and hope!) it is the latter - she has been quite happy lately generally, playing lots of different games. though yesterday she said "it's always the same, no-one wants to play MY games"

[GooseyLoosey]

I have tried to teach ds negotiating skills so I tell him to agree to play someone else's game for a while if they will play his game afterwards.

Ultimately though, I have come to the conclusion that there is very little I can do and ds is better off if I stop worrying about what clearly does not bother him. (I still cry sometimes though).

[dinny]

God, know where you're coming from, Goosey!

just tears your heart to think of them alone, doenst it?

[GooseyLoosey]

It does indeed. I was totally unprepared for how hard I would find all of this and the thought of my beautiful boy being hurt in anyway is unbearable. dh doesn't get it at all, he thinks I'm nuts!

[dinny]

lol, dh also thinks I am totally crackers and says "she's fine!" ALL the time! he keeps saying to stop taking it to heart but I can't help it!! you just feel you want to protect them >

[GooseyLoosey]

You could be me! Were you like this as a child?

[dinny]

yeah, stupidly sensitive and hate being on my own!

my mum also thinks am demented!

[mummypig]

hi dinny my ds1 (Yr1) often comes home saying 'no one wanted to play with me'. He did it a lot in reception too and it seemed to me that it would ruin his whole day if one of his friends said he didn't want to play with him. I worried a lot about him, as in general, I think he doesn't have very high self-esteem. As you have said, it's just not pleasant to think of your little child being on their own when the others are all playing happily.

Anyway, we spoke to his teacher about it at the parent's evening, because dp was worried about it too. She said he had lots of friends, and most of the time he was playing with someone, it might only be for a few minutes one playtime that he was on his own. Plus, this year ds1 is better at explaining what's going on, and it turns out it's just the same situation as you describe - he wants to play one game and his friends want to play a different one and he'd rather not 'give in' and play their game, so he sits on his own.

He's definitely very stubborn - in disputes with his brother it's usually ds2 who changes his mind to keep the peace - and ds1 probably gets it from me as I'm quite stubborn too! In a way, it makes me worry less about his self-esteem. If he's confident enough to decide that he'd rather be alone than play their game, it shows he's not just going along with other kids in order to be one of the pack. That's my reasoning, anyway...

[dinny]

hmmm, thanks, Mummypig - she had a good day today, said she had got them to play her game for a bit...

[littlepinkpixie]

I get similar stories from my DD sometimes. What I have done is sometimes to ask her about what she has been doing or who she was playing with at times when I have been watching eg at parties. Often as not even then (when I know that she has been playing happily with others) she will still tell me about how someone wasnt playing nicely, so knowing that she can report things inaccuratly lets me not get too concerned if she does come home from school with any grievances!