How do you help your child to 'shake off' an annoying school 'friend'?

[gameboy]

Not very nice I know, but it really is becoming a problem.

DS went to a new school (Yr 3) this year which only a handful of children from his old school went to, including a set of twins. Twin A was in his class last year, and really used to 'bug' DS (he used to complain to me all the time about it). This boy is silly and immature. he is always pulling DS's clothes/ pulling his bag off his shoulder/ trying to wrestle with him etc... (in an attention-seeking way, not a bullying way, IYSWIM)

When they moved schools I specifically asked that DS was in a different class to this child, and he was. Problem is that his twin brother, twin B,(whom DS likes, and is much nicer/ sensible) is now in DS's class so he still sees both boys.

I thought the problem had mostly gone away, but yesterday I went into school to help with a drama event/ workshop (both Year 3 classes) and saw that twin A is still annoying:

• kept sitting beside DS on floor (even after DS had moved away)
• fiddling with DS's clothing/ pulling his laces etc
• kept talking to DS when they were meant to be listening and got them both into trouble

and so on

He's like a yappy little terrier peeing on your leg that you just can't shake off.

Moreoever, I get the impression the other kids don't like him much, so when he's around DS they seem to steer clear, which is obviously not good for DS's friendships .
After talking to DS last night I really think it's getting him down, But I don't know what to do?

• have tried role-playing with DS some ways of saying 'please stop it' / leave me alone etc but he finds it hard

I wondered whether I should say anything to the twins' mum? I get the distinct impression she is encouraging her sons to 'be friendly' with DS though (they go to lots of same clubs/activities etc).

Sorry - a bit long

[gameboy]

Oh dear, I can't then?

[gameboy]

[puppydavies]

i really don't see why parents feel the need to interfere in their kids' friendships. if it were bullying it would be different but what is really so terrible about a slightly immature child trying to be friendly in a slightly immature way?

sorry i just really don't get it.

[NappiesShnappiesPANTSgalore]

i cant imagine anything you could say to the mother that would be at all well recieved.

i feel really sorry for the little boy if other kids are ignoring him. poor little kid, hes just trying to be friends.

[KettleBellKitty]

Annoying as you find you have to leave be. It's not bullying and it really is not nice to want to isolate this twin A

[ToiletFlusher]

I wouldn't say anything to mum..whatever you say it'll end in tears.

IF your boy genuinely is irritated by this lad (who seems to be making a clumsy attempt at trying to be friends), then he needs to deal with it himself by being more assertive with him. You never know, if he does this, Twin A may calm down and they'll all be mates.

[gizmo]

Ah, gameboy Twin A sounds really like my DS (see rather agonised threads passim). Actually, although I would be gutted I would quite understand if another little boy didn't want to be friends with DS when he is being silly. It's a learning phase for twin A, I guess, and it's a shame that he hasn't learnt as quickly as his brother.

I wonder...is your DS mature enough to say 'I won't play with you if you pull me around, but why don't we go and play football at break?' and then follow it through? Including actually playing football, for a short time?

That's probably a bit idealistic, I suppose

[lisalisa]

Message withdrawn

[ChiTownLady]

Gameboy, I have a very similar situation with my ds - who is only in reception but a little boy has just seemed to attatchhimself to ds, when we arrive in the morning is physically all over him, hugging, pulling his clothes, swinging him round etc. They are in the same class which is more of a problem and the teacher actually brought it up at consultation - as when she doesnt assign seating he gravitates towards ds and then is distracting and quality of owrk etc plummets. In this circumstance the teacher is now seating them away from each other for their work - clearly this doesnt help at playtime etc, but does seem to have helped generally.

Can you ahve a owrd with the teachers to see if they can be a bit more vigilant/aware of the relatinship issue and be a little more proactive particulalry during the school day?

[niceglasses]

Can you remember any occassion as a child when your parents tried to influence friendships and it didn't end in chaos?

Best leave it, sorry.

[tictacto]

leave it. Your ds is going to have to asert himself at some point.

I rather feel sorry for this boy sound slike he is attention seeking as he has no friends

[Troutpout]

Sorry..but can't help feel sorry for Twin A

He just sounds really keen to be your ds's friend. Can your boy not find room for him too? (i'm not saying play with him nonstop btw)...he could perhaps be just the route into making more friends that this boy may need.

I do understand that slightly panicky feeling mums get about friendships gameboy, i really do ...but please don't encourage your ds to marginalise this boy further.I think Gizmo gives some really good advice about perhaps helping your boy to deal with him on his terms instead...then both boys gets something out of the relationship and it's all good experience under your ds's belt.

[DisingenuousDoodle]

Playdate - get 'em to your house and then maybe you could 'guide' the twin and help him to behave in a less irritating way?

[gameboy]

I can understand that you might feel sorry for twin A, but he really isn't a timid little thing who is desparate for a friend. He's actually quite loud and boisterous (and silly with it).

I only feel I should try to do SOMETHING because it is upsetting DS. We've had him (and his brother) round for playdates last year and it was way too stressful - house trashed, toys broken and constant wrestling/ screaming/ charging around from twin A.

Although they're not in the same class it's not a very big school, so every other part of the day DS says boy A is there, in his face, being a pest - at break, at lunchtime, before school, after school, at football, at drama etc.

Today when they came out of school twin A came rushing over and started wrestling DS, then pulled his coat off and in the scrabbling it ended up in a big muddy puddle .

DS & I had another chat about it tonight and I told him he might need to try to be be even more assertive, and perhaps even let himself get a bit angry to get the message across to this boy that he doesn't want to be friends with him is he acts this way.

[gameboy]

"friends with him if he acts this way."

[handlemecarefully]

I think the only thing you can to is keep reinforcing with your son strategies to help him demonstrate (firmly but nicely) to twin A that certain behaviours are not welcomed.

Wouldn't advocate any interventions other than that.

Your little boy needs to learn for himself ways of dealing appropriately with annoying people as much as twin A needs to develop enhanced social skills

[handlemecarefully]

I totally understand why you are bothered by this though

[gameboy]

Thanks for your comments. Gizmo - have just read your other thread, and it does help to see things from the other perspective too.

[LucyElasticband]

how about encouraging other activities, new friends etc., for your ds
would nto talk to mum though. think how
how upsetting she wiuld find it!