Types of 'acceptable'mums...(270 Posts)
So this is going to come across rather stereotypical but i genuinely interested in ppls opinions of this.
Im a stay at home mum. I have 2 children under 4. Eldest just started full time education.
My youngest has not yet started nursery so is still with me full time.
As a mum i am very 'mumsy', we craft everyday, go on park/farm/museam/beach/zoo trips everyday. They go out at some point everyday any weather. While at home we bake. I make playdoh, sensory things, we often paint stones, make collages out of things we've collected the list goes on. I am constantly actively teaching them while im at home with them.
When i had my children my life took a big back seat! They do alot of classes/groups. I gave up my hobbies, they have their music in the car now! There programmes on tv. My world is now them.
And nt only do i not mind this but i love this! I love enjoying my children and spending this quality times with them!
I dont drag them round cafes/ restaurants/pubs for my benefit.
I dont enjoy drinking anymore. I life to raise my kids and get immense pride and satisfaction from that.
So my question is this.. Why is it that other mums don't like mums like me... I dont judge i dont put down i have my parenting struggles like us all. I just value time with my kids.
Since my eldest stared school ive found all of the small talk is along the lines off
'Ooo i need wine!'
'Thank god its school time need to run away for a break'
'Get the kids babysat and get yourself out!'
'Shall we go past the shop on way back have a few sneaky bottles!'
It seems from my experiences that 'normal' mums dont like 'mumsy' mums cs they seem perfect.. I am not i can assure you! Im just the mum who always has her kids prepped for schl always gets their homework done always makes an effort in activities etc. Is that sooo bad?! Like why do i feel like i dont fit in . Im just being a mum the only way i know how
They just feel threatened because they're not as good as you.
Maybe they don't define themselves by their role as a mother? It seems that you do. I am sure there are other mothers at school that do too.
I think you're talking bollocks.
If your eldest has only just started school how can you be the one who 'always gets their homework done'?
You are still pretty early in your parenting life, so you may find that your approach changes to a less assiduous one over time. Nonetheless I admire the effort you are putting into it.
Maybe they think that you are over-the-top and a little bit too self-sacrificing and they cannot relate to that?
I like mums like you! Sounds like your kids are having a wonderful childhood. And your life seems nice too. Just keep doing what you're doing! Your type of parenting is natural for you as a person.
I'm not a mum but I've noticed the "dump the kids & get the wine!" thing too. I think those mums want their independence, aren't as immersed in the kids. Suppose everyone does it differently!
I think people are drawn to similar people as them. It's as simple as that.
Well I wouldn't dislike you but equally I wouldn't want to hang out with you because being a mum is not the most important thing in my life. My children are but 'being a mum' is not. I doubt we'd have anything in common.
I'd rather talk about books, films, music, politics, science, religion. I have zero interest in craft, gardening, baking or home decor. I can't see me ever getting an urge to make my own play doh. So therefore we'd just have nothing to talk about.
Your post comes across judgemental of those who don't do things your way so if that's the way you come off in real life then there's your answer...
I am a 'normal' mum, in your view. I take my kids out to cafes / pubs and we all enjoy it. I'm sure they enjoy getting 'dragged around' the supermarket much less, but food still needs to be bought.
I get immense satisfaction out of time I spend with my kids, but I also derive satisfaction from other aspects of my life, like work, or listening to music other than The Wiggles in the car. I value time with my kids, but I don't want that to be every minute of my day. That doesn't make me a poor mother, just a person with multiple facets to my life.
And I don't dislike 'mumsy' mums because they seem perfect to me. What I dislike is 'mumsy' mums who apparently think they're perfect, and I'm a lesser species. HTH.
Maybe you come across as a bit uptight and perfectionist.
I was a bit like you with my eldest ones; I always excelled academically and gave up a good career to be a full time mum. I just wanted to excell at it; natural childbirth, breastfeeding, then giving my kids the sort of childhood you describe.
Looking back I was always quite anxious and stressed with it all though. I should've gone with the flow more and been kinder to myself. DC4 has been totally neglected in comparison and he's the brightest and the most confident.
Im like that, well was, now they're older I cherish time with them after school and chatting in the car. I used to love crafting with them & taught them to sew etc but that's because I love to sew. I put David Walliams CDs on in the car but that's because I love dw too. I wouldn't say I was trying to educate them all the time, as a Sahm you have to find things to do but I wouldn't do something with them I didn't enjoy - well mostly!
My sil is not like this though, she enjoys working and defines herself more that way and that's all good we're all different.
I have noticed other mums sneering a bit at my home made costumes and dd's hairstyles etc saying 'god who's got time for that' and so on but who cares I enjoy it. I probably (inwardly) sneer when i hear people rejoice at the end of the summer holidays because i love them. Just ignore & parent the way you want to.
A word of warning though, don't totally give yourself over to the kids or you'll be bereft when they're older!
Crikey, judgey much OP?
We made an ace marble run today out of assorted cardboard boxes, bog rolls and kinder egg cases. It is bloody brilliant and DS loves it. Which is a surprise as he hates crafts/colouring in/stickers. My parents, sister and best friend were sent pictures of it, but otherwise I kept my fantasticness to myself.
Tomorrow we may be mostly in the park with his bag of hotwheels cars and some bubbles. Not homemade bubbles, shop-bought bubbles.
People enjoy their children in different ways. I certainly didn't give up my life and identity when I had them, but it's ok that you did. We are all different.
I love the very bones of my son byt sometimes he winds me up. I may joke about gin but in all honesty I haven't touched a drop of alcohol since I became pregnant in 2011. Hey ho.
I don't like these types of posts, as they foster unnecessary, and often irrational, competition between mums. We are all different; our parenting styles are different. What does it matter, as long as our children are happy and well looked after?
They probably just find you boring. Anyone who is devoted to one aspect of their life and doesn't have a sense of identity outside of that interest is boring.
Dont you ever do anything for yourself? You are more than a mum
I'd find you a bit boring Tbh.
Mamadoc I would want to hang out with you!
OP - I fear that I'm probably one of the mums that you're describing that you don't think you'd get on with.
Your kind of "mumming" is the kind I wish I could emulate more but the reality is that I'd be bored out of my mind if I had to live like that every day of the week and I enjoy working some of the time and definitely enjoy having my own life as well as being a mum.
Oh, and I still manage to always have my kids prepped for school etc. I don't think that part is mutually exclusive with having your independence.
Well, if they have topics of conversation other than their kids, they probably don't have much to say to you.
Some people don't want to talk about kids all the time.
You have to be true to yourself don't you?
I never liked crafts or baking before I was a mum so why would I like it now? I have always liked nature, walks, history, trips out so those aspects I play to.
As your DC get older they have their own ideas anyway. I enjoy explaining stuff about the world to my older DC science, politics, religion. We have discussed Brexit, the migrant crisis and slavery of late (primary age). I play them music I like and now they play me stuff they like too.
I think it's good for you and for them if you are a person as well as mum. Otherwise what will you do when they are grown up?
I hated my first maternity leave with everyone talking about breastfeeding, milestones, weaning and sleep. By the 2nd/ 3rd time round we'd all got some perspective and realised that this stuff is very transient, unimportant small beer in the long journey of parenting and we talked about non-child stuff as we dropped biscuit crumbs on the heads of our breastfeeding babies!
You sound boring as fuck.
I ignore my child, let him play on a screen 24/7, don't bother with homework and take him to the pub every weekend so I can get pissed.
You're obviously the better person but I'm way more fun to be around
How do they know what you do? How do they know you craft every day and get the homework done?
None of what you've said seems that unusual to me, perhaps it depends on the area.
I quite like mums like you, in small doses, but I do things a bit differently. I'm probably like you three quarters of the time, but I personally don't think children benefit from being the centre of your universe 24/7, they need to know you are a real person with feelings too! And also I don't drink, but do like a cup of tea and an adult gossip
Do you have 2 fairly placid daughters? Because my boys would rather have eaten their own arms than done craft activities. By the time ds2 started school we were well known at A&E due to breaks and stitches.
Have you given up work? Because I think wine is less of a requirement if you have a gentle 10min school run twice a day rather than dropping them at 8 for a mad dash to work then picking them up at 5.30, shoving something in the oven then quick bath, story then bed.
Your post comes across judgemental of those who don't do things your way so if that's the way you come off in real life then there's your answer.
I am all for people parenting anyway they see fit, but you do come across as being quite smug and satisfied with yourself. You also sound a bit martyrish.
Tbh our styles are world's apart. I firmly believe that maintaining my identity as a person in my own right is as important as my 'mum' identity. I don't want my dd growing up thinking that women only have one role. I also want her to learn about give and take, so sometimes it's her music in the car, other times it is mine. Similarly I want to broaden her horizons by exposing her to more than just saccharine children's music/programming.
We do crafts and activities. We also do free play where she does her own thing and I do mine.
I believe the best thing for my dd is to see that Mummy has responsibilities, to see me work and play, to see me as not just Mummy, but as a multi faceted woman in the world.
I am not solely a mum. And I don't want my dd to grow up thinking that if she wants children she has to choose between parenting and being who she is.
What are you doing mning at midnight when you have such a full schedule tomorrow?
I work, I drink, I make stupid small talk, I waste faaaaar too much time on MN/FB, I made home made playdoh exactly once, craft about once a year til I remember i hate it, and yet I still manage to have my kids 'prepped for school, homework done'.
Perhaps your assumption that people who haven't been as self-sacrificing as you can't be arsed having their children 'prepped for school, homework done' is part of the problem?
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