Help needed for my daughter (and me!) with her friendship issues

(5 Posts)
ClaireyBeary Fri 12-Aug-16 03:19:28

This is the first time I’ve posted on mumsnet. So please be gentle! It’s a long post sorry.

I’m looking for any help and advice for dealing with my 10 year old daughter who is having problems with friends at school - a problem that’s as old as the hills, I know.

She’s in her last year of primary school and had a few friends (it’s a small class, with not a lot of girls in it) and she had one friend in particular. Then along came another girl and now these two seem to want to play together, but not with my daughter any more. It think it’s the classic case of two’s company, three’s a crowd.

My daughter has been quite upset about this and then is so happy when they make it all up again, but then devastated the next day when they seem to exclude her again. I’ve tried pointing out to her that this means they’re not actually very good friends to have, but she doesn’t seem to get it!

Let me add I don’t believe my daughter is completely innocent. I am definitely not one of those parents that think my children are angels and never wrong. She told me that when these friends tired to make it up with her once she said “I’ll think about it” and walked off. Honestly! That doesn’t help.

I’ve been encouraging her to make other friends, as I think it’s always dangerous to have ONE best friend and it seems to be working. I don’t want to get involved too much as I think she needs to try and learn to sort it out herself. And I’m loathed to involve other mums.

How else can I help her? And more importantly how can I stop stressing about it myself?!

I think I’m a very anxious person myself and ironically do get easily upset if I hear of something I’m not invited to (who’s the 10 year old here? )

If things upset me (like this situation with my daughter) I mull it over endlessly in my head. Honestly, I bore myself with my thinking.

I am worried that my oversensitive behavior must have rubbed off on her! Have I turned her into the way she is at school?

Sorry for the long post. Any help or advice for her (and me!) would be much appreciated.

VashtaNerada Fri 12-Aug-16 03:30:28

DD used to be in a friendship group of three and was miserable for years, in a similar pattern to what you describe. Whenever she was upset I avoided commenting directly on the behaviour of her friends (who could be so nasty at times) and just said that she should try to spend her time with people who make her happy. She now has a new best friend and is so much happier for it.

PlanD Fri 12-Aug-16 06:22:49

Yes it's painful to watch this friendship stuff going on but the best thing is to empathise with her without getting too massively involved in the ins and outside unless it develops into bullying. Definitely encourage her to have a wider range of friends. And I don't think her saying 'I'll think about it' was necessarily a bad thing either! Why shouldn't she rather than taking the scraps of what they offer- I think it was more of an assertive response!

ClaireyBeary Fri 12-Aug-16 11:43:17

Thanks for your replies. PlanD, I'd never thought about it like that! As you said, maybe she was being honest and not necessarily wanting to be friends with those unkind girls again. Thank you for making me look at it differently.

mouldycheesefan Sat 13-Aug-16 08:10:55

Your daughters response of "I"ll think about it "was ace!
Well done her.
Invite some other girls round. Join guides and activities outside school such as drama or sports Hopefully when she gets to seniors it will be a new start with more friend options.

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