DS not invited to a party

(156 Posts)
CandyCrush77 Tue 21-Jun-16 23:16:12

Found out today that DS1, 8, has not been invited to one of his close friends' party. There are 13 boys in his class and although I am not sure how many are going I think it is most of the boys in the class. DS1 doesn't know yet but trying to work out what to say to him why he asks me why he hasn't been invited. Really heartbreaking as he isn't that popular in the class and he really likes this boy and I know would want to go. Even harder is that his mum and I chat all the time and I now do not feel like being friendly to her in anyway, in fact, I am not sure I will have anything to say to her. Really hurts that people have to be so divisive. Another mum said she was surprised DS wasn't going and thought it could be because DS1 and the birthday boy can be a bad influence on each other as they are both quite fiesty. I know I should just get over this but very hurt on DS1's behalf and very pissed off with this woman.

bloated1977 Wed 22-Jun-16 00:50:00

So you've got no idea how many other kids are invited. Maybe he's only inviting 5 along? It's life. He can't be invited to everything. Maybe his parents can only afford a certain number.

meowli Wed 22-Jun-16 01:11:43

It's life.

I guess it is, but surely we can all sympathise with the op and her ds? He's 8. It hurts. I suppose the only consolation is that we've all been there at one time or another.

It could be that the mother left it entirely to her son to choose the guests? I'm pretty sure I would have done, at that age. Maybe they'd had a falling-out on the day the invitations were written.

Rather than let this get to you, op, I'd focus on finding something else fun to do on the party day. Maybe your ds could have a couple of friends to tea, or a trip to the cinema.

bojorojo Wed 22-Jun-16 06:22:48

We had this for years. DD was always the one not invited although a couple of children always invited her.

I always made sure my DD had a lovely day. It is always the case that parents will invite just a few select friends (and in my experience it was down to parents!) and my DD didn't pass muster and she was, and is, a very nice person. There were only 12 girls in her class. Heartily sick of how controlled the invites seemed to be and she didn't even get invites to parties when we had invited those children to DDs party which was held only a short time earlier.

I can honestly say it made me very upset. She realised she was being excluded because everyone talked about what they were doing at the weekend, ie the party. We took drastic action and decided boarding school was the way forward and DD was totally up for it. The minute other children found out DD was not going to the standard senior schools around here, party invites arrived and I kept on being invited round for coffee where the conversation inevitably came round to why we were leaving.

I found that you cannot influence what parties your child is invited to. All you can do is plough your own furrow and try and find something more exciting to do. One thing we learnt, was never to invite the child back who excluded your child because otherwise the hurt repeats when, next year, your child is left out again, and then again. I also made no further effort with this type of parent. What is the point? I had great delight in accepting the coffee morning invites and I told them, politely, what led to the decision to go. Never spoken to any of them since and DD is not friendly with any child from primary school. However, she has legions of friends from senior school. Your child will not be excluded forever more.

Obeliskherder Wed 22-Jun-16 07:21:05

I understand your upset, but there are 2 sides to every story.

Do you let your children choose their invitees at all, or not? Once my daughter was absolutely adamant she wouldn't invite one particular child, who had been trying to be her best friend all year. After all the stress we'd had all year over this child, and yet more tears shed over party invite discussions, I couldn't persuade DD to invite her and ultimately I didn't have the heart to force her to.

I'm not suggesting that your son's relationship with his friend is like DD's. I'm just saying the other child and parent(s) may have a very different perspective. it's not always as simple as excluding someone thoughtlessly or just to be mean. Don't let one party invitation burn your bridges with the other parent(s) - how could that possibly help DS? Is it really worth losing a friend of your own just because they didn't force their child to invite yours?

bojorojo Wed 22-Jun-16 10:43:07

Would make me think the other Mum was not a friend though. How can they be? Especially if the children do not really like each other. It is no basis for a friendship. How do they play together now in each other's homes?

Were you proper friends with the Mum of the child your DD refused to have to her party Obelisk or were you just Mums at the school gate? If your DD had spent all year trying not to be friends with a girl, how would you possibly be friends with her Mum? Would you not have felt absolutely awful? I would. How did you explain to your friend that her DD was excuded from your DD's party?

Is the invite in the book bag?

Whatthefreakinwhatnow Wed 22-Jun-16 10:48:24

With all due respect, he is 8, not a baby.

There comes a time when all children have to learn that they won't always get to do/have/go go everything that they want.

DD1(9) has done her own invites for all of her birthday parties, I don't tell her she has to invite so and so because I know their mum confused

Children have their own minds, and it's perfectly right that they get to choose their own party invitees IMO.

Chalk2000 Wed 22-Jun-16 11:04:01

.. although it hurts unfortunatly children need to learn they are not going to be invited to everything.
Ive worked in places where I was have invited on socials other places of work were far more inclusive and welcoming. It Carries on as adults

Ive had children round to play and my daughter has not been invited back. With others shes struck up some really nice friendships.

Mov1ngOn Wed 22-Jun-16 11:07:22

My daughter won't always invite my friends children. Why should she? Your friendship with other mums shouldn't be based on who your child plays with or which invite your child to a party!

Honestly I told my daughter how many friends and it worked out she chose 7 from in school and 7 from outside school so she didn't invite everyone and certainly not all my.school mum friends

newlabelwriter Wed 22-Jun-16 11:15:58

I really hear what you are saying, DS is in Y1 and he misses out on lots of parties, although he seems to get on with most people. These days I am amazed when he is invited to anything. I think it used to upset me more than it did him though and when he has found out he isn't invited to various things he shrugs it off easily.

CandyCrush77 Wed 22-Jun-16 11:45:37

The fact that he is 8 means he is far more aware of it than if he was a baby. As I said, this is one of his close friends with whom he always plays with and (appears) to get on with very well. I understand he cannot be invited to everything but wanted guidance on how to explain this to him. If it was someone he didn't play with or like I would understand but I think he will be very hurt when he finds out and not understand it. I will try to explain it as best I can although I don't understand it myself. DS invited this child, and 5 others, to his party back in April. I have also confided in this woman about various issues and concerns I had over DS (social issues, not having many friends, feeling lonely at school) and she has always been extremely friendly, in fact she went out of her way to come and chat to me last week and say how much her DS likes my DS!!! I had to bite my tongue not to mention the party. From now on though I really can't be friends with her and I may not be able to stop myself saying somethign to her if she does approach me. Cross my child and you cross me. Just the way it is.

corythatwas Wed 22-Jun-16 11:53:49

So your ds did not invite all the boys in his class to his party either? How bad did you feel about that at the time? How angry did you expect the other parents to be because you had crossed their son?

Very likely the other boy does not have the same perception as your son does about who his closest few friends are. But that is nobody's fault is it?

Whatthefreakinwhatnow Wed 22-Jun-16 11:57:49

I really think you need go step back a bit, and not get so overly emotional about this stuff or you will drive yourself crazy.

You would really end your friendship because her son didn't choose yours as one of his numbers for his party? 😮

Wow. I think you perhaps need to have a look at whether or not you yourself struggle with some social issues, as your response is hugely OTT!

IF he mentions it (je may not even care or notice) just matter of factly explain that the boy was allowed to choose x number and sadly couldn't invite everyone. No need to make it emotive in any way. It's just one of those things that will happen time and time again.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow Wed 22-Jun-16 11:59:35

Jeez missed the bit where you said you might have to say something to her, please don't. She really, really hadn't done anything wrong. Her son is under no obligation to invite anyone he doesn't want to to his party, and she has no right overruling his choices to appease you!

Seeline Wed 22-Jun-16 12:09:18

Are you certain he hasn't been invited?
When/how/where where the invites sent out?
Many a time have I found a screwed up bit of paper at the bottom of DCs bag which should have been replied to days before.

corythatwas Wed 22-Jun-16 12:21:57

An important part of our job as parents is to teach our children to negotiate the upsets and disappointments of life. "Cross my child and you cross me. Just the way it is" may seem a very loving and maternal attitude to you but it's hardly making it easier for him, let alone providing him with the skills he will need to cope with later life.

You will also not help him socially by gaining a local reputation as that mother.

And I still want to know if you were accosted by 7 angry mothers after the invitations to your son's party had gone out.

1stDayOfSummer Wed 22-Jun-16 12:24:45

I am sorry to hear this, it's not fair at all.

How about taking DS on a nice day out on the day of the party?

corythatwas Wed 22-Jun-16 12:27:27

1stDay, why is it not fair? The OP has stated quite candidly that she left about half the boys in the class out when inviting to her son's party, so why is it suddenly unfair when somebody else does the same to her son? I think she would make it worse for her son by treating him as if he had been hard done by and trying to compensate.

1stDayOfSummer Wed 22-Jun-16 12:32:16

Hi corythatwas I say it is unfair because her DS is close friends with the other boy and he hasn't been invited to the party which isn't fair if my DS or DD wanted a birthday party I would invite the whole class so nobody feels left out.

I don't think she would make it worst by taking him out on the day of the party, her DS is more than likely to be upset so a nice day out would take his mind of things, sorry if you don't agree with me.

redskytonight Wed 22-Jun-16 12:37:30

Are they really close friends or does the other boy just consider your DS one of a range of friends?

I know there are children at school that DD likes very much, but they never get invited to her parties, simply because there are other children that she likes more.

chamenager Wed 22-Jun-16 12:39:24

First of all, I'd try to clear up if it wasn't all just a misunderstanding. It sounds like the two boys are friends, and the mums are friends, and the mums both know that the boys are friends. It seems unlikely that your DS wouldn't be invited, unless there was a good reason, in which case I would have expected the mum to approach you in a 'I'm really sorry, I know our boys are friends and would have loved to invite him but because of x we couldn't this time' way, and maybe suggest a playdate between the two of them instead.
So, chances are the invite got lost in a school bag or something. And the other mum is now wondering why you are not RSVPing and refusing to mention the party when you talk.

I hate confrontation but I think you can ask her about this. If your DS wasn't invited for 'mean' reasons, then asking her will put her on the spot - but not undeservedly so.
Even if it doesn't turn out to have been a mistake, you may learn WHY your DS wasn't invited. And that info can help inform your reaction, and also how you explain it to your DS.

For example if it turns out that the mum really thought your DS should be invited, but for some reason - maybe the boys had a falling out on the day the invites were decided - the boy didn't want to, and mum failed to convince him, and didn't want to override his wishes.
-> I think you can continue being friends with the mum. She didn't do anything majorly wrong, it was just bad luck/timing. Though she might have approached you to explain.
-> You can explain to your DS 'remember, a little while back, when you had that falling out with other boy' and that sometimes people react in a hurtful way when they are feeling hurt themselves. Perhaps your DS wouldn't have invited the other boy either, if he'd had had to decide on exactly that day? But just because other boy 'lashed out' so to say, on that day, doesn't mean that you can't try to make up (perhaps they have already) and continue being friends.

If, as another example, it turns out your DS wasn't invited because the party is taking place at a place of which the other mum knows your DS wouldn't want to go (e.g. it's too loud, noisy, overwhelming, scary)
-> Again, you can stay friends with the mum. Suggest that she could have avoided some hurt by inviting your DS, who'd then decline, and the place could be offered to someone else.
-> You can explain to your DS that the other boy really wanted him to be at his party but knew that DS wouldn't enjoy that kind of party.

You ask how you can explain this to your son, I say you have to know the reasons before you can explain them.
If you really don't want to politely ask the other mum, then I'd go with benign reasons. 'I really don't know but it could be all manner of things. Perhaps you two had a big fall-out on the day the invites went out? The other boy may have changed his mind soon after, as you two made up, but couldn't change the invites any more. Or perhaps ...'
Failing knowledge of the reasons, I would NOT assume hurtful reasons. It would be a shame to lose this friendship due to unspoken assumptions that may be totally unfounded.

I have to say though that there is a boy in my DS' school who can be a bit of a bully. Many children want to be friends with this boy - he is very manipulative, gives gifts, includes, just to then turn on his 'best friend' to be very hurtful and excluding. This boy explicitly uses party invites to manipulate and exclude. My own DS thought for a while that this boy was his best friend, however it turned out that this boy was just manipulating him. DS wasn't invited to this boys party (and was constantly told so: 'I'm inviting everyone, but not you, nananeenana'). DS still wanted to invite this boy to his, thinking he was his friend, or maybe that by making a gesture the boy would be less mean to him. At which point I put my foot down and vetoed. Having observed that every single time they had both been at the same parties, it had ended with DS in tears due to this boy. He didn't need that at his own party.
That boy's mum is nice enough, and we are polite to each other, but not friends.
What I'm saying is, if your boy is not particularly on the ball with regards to social going ons, it is entirely possible that the other boy has been manipulating him, and that they never really were friends, but your DS was lead on.
If that is the case, by all means stop being friends. But don't assume this is the case, when it may all be very benign!

MrsJayy Wed 22-Jun-16 12:39:54

I always trot out this story when i read these about parties dd was invited to a party when she was 7 the birthday girl said to her your present is rubbish (it wasnt) and my mum made me invite you shock can you imagine the birthday boy saying that to your son imo its far better they invite who they want and not who their parents think should go Its a party there will be other parties I know its not nice they are left out but it could save a kid saying something mean to him

corythatwas Wed 22-Jun-16 12:41:47

But 1stDay, surely the other boy has a say in who his closest friends are? It seems his mother has done exactly what the OP did and invited a limited number of friends. And most likely the other boy has decided (as he has a perfect right to do) that there are a number of other boys he feels closer to. It is not his fault if the OP's ds thinks they are closer than he thinks. Hard for the OP's ds, yes, and one can sympathise. But not unfair.

MrsJayy Wed 22-Jun-16 12:42:07

This not these

DataColour Wed 22-Jun-16 12:44:15

I understand OP. I have a 7yr old DS and a nearly 6 yr old DD. DS wasn't invited to the party of one of the boys he plays with a lot and I really couldn't understand it and I did feel hurt on his behalf. Two years running he didn't invite my DS and both those years my DS has invited this boy to his party. Luckily DS holds no grudges so he did want this particular boy at his party even though he wasn't invited to his. And I didnt' want to say, no you can't invite X as he didn't invite you to his, that is petty.
But it does hurt.
Sometimes parents invite the kids who's mum's they know, rather than who the kids actual friends are.

My DD didn't get an invite to a party of twins in her class even though she plays with them outside school too. The party was yesterday and whilst walking home, the twins were walking with us too and one of them asked if my DD was coming (she got embaressed and said NO in a knee jerk reaction!) and the twin kept on asking her to come also my DS too. Their mum overheard and half heartedly invited us. I didn't really say thing, just mumbled maybe...
Made me laugh inwardly though. Classic case of parents inviting kids of the parents they are friends of, rather than asking the kids who they want to invite.

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