TA picking on my DD

(62 Posts)
mrbear444 Thu 16-Jun-16 21:55:03

DD2 is in Year 4 but DD1 left last year and had had problems with a particular TA in her class so much so that she told me her friends had commented on it. She hadn't mentioned much to me beyond MrsX is mean etc but I did the normal support the school kind of thing. Throughout the year DD2 has told me a bout more and more incidents regarding this particular TA and what she has said to my DD. It comes and goes but again tonight she has said MrsX is being mean again. Yesterday she came home with ink on her trousers and shirt which won't come off now , grr! When I asked she said her pen had exploded all over her, her CM gave me the same explanation as the teacher had told her the same thing when she picked her up . Today she told me what happened more. After this happened some other children thought it would be fun to do the same thing. One child did it and was told off by the teacher, then another child did it three times. The teacher was cross and said to him that DDs was an accident but the others were clearly copycats and the child who did it three times was sent to another class. this was in front of the whole class, but after the teacher got on with the lesson the TA came over to DD and started to have a go at her for wasting expensive pens and said if she did it again she would be sent to the head teacher and have a letter home. DD was upset as she said the teacher had made it clear she understood it was a mistake and even the boy who did it three times didn't get that threatened to him.
I have mentioned my concerns before to the teacher by way of saying that DD feels this TA doesn't like her and gave a few examples of minor incidents but this is getting tot he point of bullying.
BTW this is the kind of school that if you make waves they take it out on your children. What can I do, i haven't made waves and this is what's happening I'm concerned it will be worse for her if I act.

Cluesue Thu 16-Jun-16 21:58:04

I'm sorry but if the school is that bad,not just the TA,I'd be removing my Dd

mrbear444 Thu 16-Jun-16 22:01:33

I have concerns about the school and i have considered moving her but my DD apart from this issue with the TA is really happy this year with her teacher, first time ever she has been really happy at school but that has been more to do with this teacher recognising and supporting her dyslexia. She has loads of friends and my Cm is her second mummy and lives right by the school other schools in the area are oversubscribed so there are lots of reasons for keeping her there.

Floggingmolly Thu 16-Jun-16 22:04:50

How do you make a pen explode? <irrelevant>
You say this is the first time your dd has been really happy at school. What was the problem before the TA business?

shouldwestayorshouldwego Thu 16-Jun-16 22:27:47

Do you think that she will have this TA next year? If yes then I think that you need to try to get the issues addressed, if not then hopefully your dd ccan grin and bear it a little longer until the end of term.

mrbear444 Fri 17-Jun-16 07:01:30

Really hoping the TA won't be the same next year but a bit worried that she is attached to a particular child.
Not sure about the pen exploding thought they were pretty tough ones !!
Long story about the school to do with old headmistress and an unpleasant atmosphere generally in the school but the main reason is that she is dyslexic and so there have been a lot of issues around her struggling with literacy, feeling stupid etc and general lack of self esteem. the school did give her some sporadic support for this but her current teacher has been amazing and helped her realise how clever she really is and her self esteem is much better.
There was an incident of bullying which the school handled very well but this TA was involved as in once when DD came and told her in the playground that a child was beating someone up this TA ignored her and told her to go and tell someone else. And a second time when she was being bullied by another child, known for anger issues, she was told X wouldn't do that by this same TA. I did report the incidents so actually the general behaviour of this TA is probably down to me saying these things, although she did it t my other DD before this, I just didn't know as DD1 has only just mentioned it.

mrbear444 Sat 18-Jun-16 18:57:11

Has anyone else had problems like this and what did you do?

Believeitornot Sat 18-Jun-16 21:10:05

I would write to the school governors. Ask for the chair of governors contact details and make a formal complaint. Include details of incidences.

Witchend Sun 19-Jun-16 07:08:46

School governors would only be able to take notice of a complaint if it's gone through the correct procedure.
Which means you first raise it with the class teacher, then the head.

mrbear444 Sun 19-Jun-16 15:03:57

Thanks I do know what the process is but I was hoping there would be another way. I'd prefer it be raised by the teacher but she is an NQT - brilliant at her job but I could see she wouldn't be confident to challenge a TA who's been there for years. I've asked DD not to be so brave about it and tell the teacher every time the TA says something to upset her. Just hoping she won't be the TA next year as DD will be having another new teacher who might not like to rock the boat either. Just so angry that people in schools can be so unkind to children, I know she has 2 of her own and wouldn't be happy if someone treated hers like this.

haddynuff Mon 20-Jun-16 14:46:21

Interesting thread - feel my ds has been bullied by both the class teacher and TAs this year (and he's not the only one - there have been several children this has happened to). The teacher is part of the SLT and experienced so she has been believed not the dcs, but it is really affecting my ds (and I know the other dcs too) and I am worried I have not done enough to support him this year. I have tried raising issues but they have just been brushed under the carpet by this teacher who is made of teflon - and my ds blamed for being 'naughty'.

Reading this thread, I am wondering if I should be complaining more loudly - but like the OP, I know it is my dc who will get it in the neck if I do, which is one reason I have been reluctant to follow this path.

Should I be complaining too?

Pens do not explode by accident. For it to come apart your daughter was messing around and was indeed breaking and wasting equipment.

haddynuff Mon 20-Jun-16 14:56:31

OP - feel for your dd. I too don't understand why adults who don't like kids choose to work with them.

I think some teachers, unfortunately, get off on the power trip over young kids - they're basically quite bossy adults who have gone into teaching because they like being in a situation where their judgement can never be questioned!

cansu Mon 20-Jun-16 15:01:45

Tbh the pen came apart because your dd was messing about with it. Teacher chose not to make a thing out of it until other kids started copying and she had to put her foot down. Most things can be interpreted two ways. A TA often sees more than the teacher because they are sitting with the kids whereas the teacher is focused on teaching. I am a teacher and there have been occasions where I haven't noticed exactly what happened whereas the TA had v good view and saw a v different incident. Kids will often report that they are being picked on when what is actually happening is teacher or TA picking up on their behaviour, chatting or lack of work. By classifying it as bullying you are probably not helping the situation. I think in your position I would not be getting all worked up about the pen incident. I would also not advise some of the OTT responses you get on here about writing to Governors, LA Ofsted and the Queen etc etc. if on reflection you really think there is an issue with the TA, speak to the teacher or head of key stage and say so. Tell them your dd thinks she is disliked by TA. If this happened in my class I would probably monitor the interactions between the child and TA more closely and make sure I took over most of the discipline if necessary when dealing with that particular child so there could be no further issues or misunderstandings.

haddynuff Mon 20-Jun-16 15:32:01

cansu - as you weren't in the class how can you know whether the OP's child was messing with the pen or not? Have you never had a pen leak ink on you because it was faulty?!

You may not be a teacher who picks on kids but the idea that this never happens is ludicrous - eg my ds was told off by a TA for eg writing too slowly (even though the school are well aware he has issues with writing - which they have failed to resolve - for years). It's not always the child's fault! My child's teacher has been caught repeatedly failing the kids and then lying about it this year - of course that is very far from typical of teachers, but it is simply not true to say all teachers are perfect and he child is always at fault either.

cansu Mon 20-Jun-16 18:44:09

I have never said that all teachers are perfect etc etc. If you look at the end of my post I have advised the OP that if she is sure there is an issue with the TA she should go in and speak to teacher or head of Key Stage. I have however pointed out that TA's sometimes do see stuff that teachers miss. Be realistic - kids do tell their parents they are being picked on if they are often told off. OP's daughter may well be an absolute angel and the TA a complete cow who is picking on her but the truth may also be that the little girl dislikes being told off and may also have picked up on fact that her mum dislikes this TA (think OP has already said she felt the TA picked on elder dd).

Kimononono Mon 20-Jun-16 18:48:54

Wait for the TA after school finishes then deck her. grin

On a more serious note, I'd mention something to the teacher - in a breezy 'oh dd thinks the TA doesn't like her, bless'. It might be enough for the teacher to ask T.A if there is an issue and the TA might back off.

mrbear444 Sun 26-Jun-16 20:00:21

Thanks for your replies. Haddy I'm sorry your Dc are having a similar problem.
I know my DD is far from perfect but actually by all accounts she does really work hard at school though is a fiddler so I'm sure if she was sat still upright and her hands in her lap like an obedient child it would never have happened and in spite of the teacher not paying attention and assuming it was an accident instead of shouting at my DD it was lucky the TA was there to overrule her judgement and make the right call by bawling out my daughter on behalf of the negligent teacher. Sorry just feel a bit peeved that you feel a TA should overrule a teacher. We have a history in that this TA picked on my older DD when she was at the school bawling her out for talking when she wasn't and one time when she was actually talking to the teacher . She didn't mention it to me at the time I found out because she was talking with her friends about it once and their reaction was , 'Yes she really doesn't like you, she never notices when we're talking.' This same TA told my younger DD recently in the playground to go and find somebody else when DD went to her crying as she had just been beaten up by Year 6 boys and her friend was still being kicked. We did express concern to the school generally about playground supervision in that case but were careful not to mention names and then a week later DD was chased by 3 girls with tennis rackets and was frightened and when she went to this TA she was told it can't have happened. So sorry if you think I should back off and let her do her job but my DD has no interest in making up such extensive lies and making herself miserable in the process.
Thanks for the supportive comments from everyone else, don't assume we all think our children are perfect but give us credit for being concerned and going online looking for advice before acting hastily.

mrbear444 Sun 26-Jun-16 20:04:36

Sorry just read your second post I don't make a habit of telling my DD who I do and don't like at school and my reaction to DD1 was to tell her there was as likely as not a reason for this TA to be like this. How much longer should I give this woman the benefit of the doubt and actually get off my backside and support my DC?

mrbear444 Tue 13-Sep-16 22:38:59

OK new school year, new teacher and new TA. Back not 2 weeks and DD comes back from school clearly upset but wouldn't talk. Eventually says she was ' pulled along the corridor ' by her arm by a TA because she had forgotten her lunchbox and they needed to sort her out with some lunch as it all has to be ordered in advance. Very glad I didn't follow up problems from last term as it would look like I was just in the habit of complaining about everything, but wwyd now?
Oh and if you want to join in with people saying |'m sure she deserved it in some way or clearly my DD has a vendetta against TAs please keep your opinions to yourself I'm way too upset to be able to handle criticism, I'd really appreciate some helpful advice please.

fastdaytears Tue 13-Sep-16 22:44:15

doesn't seem like there was any reason for the TA to touch your daughter. How weird.

emilywemily Tue 13-Sep-16 22:53:41

I'm probably going to be flamed for this but if my DD told me a TA dragged her down a corridor (and I can tell when my DD is fibbing) I'd be in that school faster than a rat up a drainpipe and dragging her to the heads office!

SideEye Tue 13-Sep-16 22:57:53

I think this needs looking into because whatever is actually happening, it is upsetting her.

I would ask to speak to the Classteacher and list the issues for her to keep a copy. Yes she might be an NQT but part of the job is working with TAs and there are other people she can talk to for support if she needs it.

Longlost10 Tue 13-Sep-16 22:58:26

well, that could mean absolutely anything. It does sound like your DD is prone to coming home not talking and needing funny stories to be coaxed out of her. What type of "pulled along the corridor" would you accept? or be upset by? Guided? chivied? hand held? hand on elbow, if shes prating about/ going the wrong way/dawdling? I don't think you can react unless you know what happened, and I don't think you know what happened. personally, if my DD had come home so deeply traumatised over something so trivial, that she apparently couldn't even speak of it at first, I would have laughed her out of it.

mrbear444 Tue 13-Sep-16 23:13:58

Thanks for the helpful comments, I've decided to ask for a meeting to find out what happened, as I've said before I'm not keen to go in all guns blazing .I'm not sure what you're getting at longlost10. My DD didn't need a 'funny story' coaxed out of her, she eventually blurted it out over the tea table. I could see she was upset when I got home but she wasn't going to talk about school or admit to being sad, forgive me I can tell when she is sad without having to be told, so I left her to it. She talks when she's ready.
I'm not sure 'pulled by her arm' could mean anything, her friend told me DD was really upset at lunchtime. I'm not sure why she needed to be pulled dawdling or otherwise, she said it had hurt. I'm not sure laughing her out of it is particularly supportive. I am a teacher and have dealt with many difficult and out of control children but have never pulled a child by the arm along a corridor. IME if they resist I'm not going to physically force them into a place they don't need to be. they were helping sort out a lunch for her i'm not sure why there would have been a need to hold her by the arm at all. hand held gently to reassure her maybe, hurting her arm no.

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