Relational bullying/aggression - what can schools do?

(18 Posts)
OnceMoreIntoTheBleach Tue 14-Jun-16 15:09:54

AKA mean girls!

What can schools actually do about it? It's usually so covert and sneaky that it's way under the radar. Typical perpetrators are clever enough to keep it that way and smile sweetly the rest of the time. Also typically the model student so teachers love them.

I've had enough of seeing my DD in tears sad I want the school to act - beyond little talks about friendship or drawing a picture of happy things. I want the ring leader to be seen, recognised and dealt with.

What can I reasonably expect the primary school to do?

CookieDoughKid Tue 14-Jun-16 15:58:55

Have you talked to your form teacher? Those who are experienced will be able to suggest appropriate strategies . Try and get some specific examples and think about putting a formal school bullying complaint in if it's that bad

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach Tue 14-Jun-16 16:37:12

Thanks cookie I have spoken with the school on numerous occasions but they just seem to do a couple of group sessions on being kind and then it just carries on.

I want to say to them 'X is the ring leader, please do something about her!' But it's not easy and even if I was that blunt, I'm not confident they would do anything directly angry

CrazyDuchess Tue 14-Jun-16 16:40:44

I am sorry but now is the time to be blunt! You dd is being bullied what are you worried about??

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach Tue 14-Jun-16 16:45:38

Crazy you are right, but what I'm worried about it being viewed by the school as a troublemaker/not PC about labelling a child as a bully etc etc. If they look badly on me, they won't take me seriously. I feel the need to be diplomatic but so far it has got us nowhere.

I suppose I want to say 'this is the problem - I want you to do X, Y and Z about it'. I'm just not sure what those thugs are because he bullying is so covert it's hard to see so also hard to stop.

CrazyDuchess Tue 14-Jun-16 16:53:46

I think there is a way to say things but be direct about what the issue is.

But it's really important that you tell them sooner rather than later - if the bullying is subtle then maybe they haven't picked up on it - but really you are going to have to say something, you can't leave it because of how you are worried you might be perceived....

CookieDoughKid Tue 14-Jun-16 17:12:49

Imo schools respond strongly if you complain strongly. Put a case together follow the school's bullying procedure and request that the bully's parents are notified. If this was my child I'd be kicking up a huge stink and I'd want complete visibility on theach problem. And I really wouldn't give 2 shits about how I was viewed as I'm not the one who needs to sit and full day of school - everyday . Schools respond to those who shout loudest imo (but there's a rightway to go about this) and I would directly email the head etc too

CookieDoughKid Tue 14-Jun-16 17:13:55

Zero tolerance on bullying is whats still needed. There is no place for any of it.

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach Tue 14-Jun-16 17:21:20

I've met with the head twice before! Nothing changes. Now I want to say 'X child is the problem, what are you going to do about it?'

Question is, what CAN they do when it's covert social bullying in the playground and the child's parents think she's perfect and so does the teacher because she's a good student (as I understand is common with this type of bullying)?

I want to know what realistically I should be expecting them to do?

oompaloompaland Tue 14-Jun-16 18:00:28

Oh I do sympathise - I really do. We had this "hidden" bullying for over a year - the main protagonist was a "butter wouldn't melt" kind of child and the school were, frankly, completely gobsmacked when I pointed out who was the ringleader in making my child's life a misery. Indeed the HT actually said "surely not" when I named and shamed.

Sadly though nothing changed ... my child was excluded from nearly all aspects of school social life, and in the end we had to move schools as there was no end in sight.

In hindsight though I wish we'd taken it further - letters to the Board of Governors, demanding to see the Bullying policy. Certainly in our case the school didn't really see exclusion as bullying, which it is. In our case it was very subtle, well thought out and absolutely vicious.

I truly wish I could offer some strong and sensible words of counsel - unfortunately all I can do is sympathise hugely, send a virtual hug, and hope that you find a resolution. You are not alone.

Balletblue Tue 14-Jun-16 18:48:54

Be blunt. You might be surprised. I did it for dd a couple of years ago when the child she sat next to was annoying her in all sorts of subtle ways, to the point where dd was feeling sick sitting by them. To the average onlooker they probably looked like good friends but the child just wouldn't leave her alone for a moment. They were both moved and dd felt free to ignore annoying child without fear of retaliation.

Corialanusburt Tue 14-Jun-16 18:54:37

Considering that schools make such a thing of Anti Bullying week etc, they are still so far behind when it comes to girls. So many girls' school years are marred by this. There needs to be a much greater emphasis on it in schools e.g. Training on how to detect it, teaching children exactly what is and isn't acceptable.

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach Tue 14-Jun-16 20:24:36

Thank you all, and I agree it so often goes unnoticed and this is soooooo frustrating because the perpetrators are generally the butter wouldn't melt types as you mentioned.

I'm going to be blunt. I have a meeting with HT and class T this week and will name and shame, point out that it's relational bullying, and well-defined type of bullying that is usually under the radar, and ask them what they plan to do about it, NOT as a whole class 'let's all be nice to each other' usual BS, but with this one child - the ringleader.

Probably nothing will happen as is usually the case, but wish me luck anyway angrygrin

CrazyDuchess Tue 14-Jun-16 20:31:54

Good luck! flowers

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach Tue 14-Jun-16 20:32:16

For anyone else going through this, this is a very insightful lecture:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=FGr-rBqL1hc

There are 3 parts to it.

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach Tue 14-Jun-16 20:33:55

X post.

Thanks crazy grin

CookieDoughKid Tue 14-Jun-16 20:48:29

Good luck. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Be sure to cite specific examples. Push for action from the school and get all of it written down in emails with the school agreeing to it. Follow through, get follow up meetings. Push hard for the ring leader's parents to be contacted else you will be escalating this matter all the way to the top.Say you will be writing to the governers etc etc. Be sure to cite the impact to your child. Name names and get this generic 'talk to the class' bollocks off the table. Your child is not generic and nor is the ring leader.

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach Tue 14-Jun-16 21:59:46

Thanks for the pep talk cookie. Going in strong!

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