Preparing DD for private secondary?

[Luna9]

My DD id in year 4; she is doing very well at school according to the teacher; we started tutoring to have the options open for secondary school. Tutor thinks she is bright and said she doesn't know why she is not in the top set at maths; however I do notice she tends to get a bit stressed when she doesn't know the answer to a question; the tutor set a short homework every week. Her current school doesn't set much homework; I started to think she doesn't got the right aptitude to study and that private secondary is not the right choice for her if she gets stressed about something she doesn't know or if she doesn't know the answer straight away. Should I not waste my time trying to prepare her for private secondary and go just for the state secondary.? Or should I encourage her? When I see her getting stressed about something she doesn't know I convinced myself everyday she won't cope with the work at a high selective secondary even if she does get in; however I would love her to have the best education we can offer her, all the sports and extra curricular activities they have. The state school is good but doesn't have many facilities; the majority of her friends will be going there.

[originalmavis]

Does she get stressed at school? Could she be feeling pressurised that you are paying for a tutor to 'get her into' a 'good/high a achievig/hard' school? When did you start tutoring? I wonder if she is so eager to please the tutor she is trying herself in knots.

[Luna9]

The teacher says she has high standards of herself and worries if she gets things wrong even though she is doing well. I don't think it is the tutoring as is quite relaxed at the moment and she is fine with the tutor actually. It is the way she is in general even when she is practicing her instrument; she hates getting things wrong or if she doesn't know the answer to something straight away.

[originalmavis]

Has she got siblings? DS used to get hacked off if he didn't get 100% in everything.

[Lurkedforever1]

A lot can change in two years, so I wouldn't come to any conclusions yet either way. Even if she remains the same, it doesn't mean private is out of the equation. Plenty are none selective, and there are selective ones that are more relaxed too. A super selective competitive academic environment might be hellish for one child and perfect for another. Whereas one that is more relaxed with just all the trimmings and advantages of private might be perfect for the former child and a bit pointless for the latter.

Dd used to produce written work way below her ability if the subject didn't interest her at that age. Y5 she was generally reliable if she deemed it important, y6 started putting a bit more effort in even for writing that she didn't deem interesting/ important. But truthfully it was late y6, but mainly during the first term of y7 she's eventually grasped it was down to her to make all writing 'interesting'. Maturity, and being at a selective school where she can't write any old crap and remain top have made the difference. Not any change in ability or personality. So y4 I really wouldn't be deciding anything yet.

[TheyAreNotBuns]

My DD used to be like this - got very stressed if she couldn't do anything. New teacher this year (she is yr5 now) and more of a focus on learning by mistakes, pushing herself and it is OK to try and get it wrong - and the stress seems to have abated a bit. Not sure if age or teachers language around it all that has done it.

Also please don't write her off yet - are you sure she is not picking up some of your negative views and therefore writing herself off on the back of it?

[Luna9]

Thank you; I will try to be more positive about it; I am really not sure if she I picking up from me or if it is the way she is. Will keep the tutoring and see in 2 years time. I am not obsessed with private but want her to have the choice. I do want her to do well but above all I want her to be happy.