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Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

Primary education

5 year old DD has school friend/ crush? with 9 year old boy

17 replies

Homosapiens · 08/12/2015 18:04

My 5yr DD has just started school and become very friendly with a 9yr boy. At first I thought this was fine, it's a small school and all the years mix up anyway but now I'm wondering if it's innocent.

She is a bit 'gooey' when she is around him so I wondered if it might be a first crush without her knowing it and she stared at his Christmas card to her for ages etc. He has been really good about playing playground games with her and I think he is quite protective of her but she has come home today and said things which could be misconstrued...

It started because she received a card from the boy's sister which said 'cheer up' in it. When I asked DD about this she said it was a secret. So I said there were no secrets between her and me. She then said she had been sad and the sister said it was a secret. I asked her what her secret was and she said "it was about a big thing that you stick in and I wanted to play with it".

I KNOW, I sound like I am barking but it's just alarmed me because they are so much older and because of the secrecy. When I tried to get more info, DD said that she meant about the boy and another older girl having to go inside so she couldn't play with them and she was sad.

I guess I am worried that the older children have had some sex ed. and are using sexualised talk around my DD as a sort of joke at her expense OR the playing has undertones that aren't that innocent. She hugs this boy and he tickles her. I just don't know whether I am being really silly to even consider there is an issue.

With her being so young, dd's talk is sometimes fantastical anyway so I feel that I wouldn't be able to find out the true situation from her...

Has anyone experienced anything similar?
Thanks

OP posts:

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Luna9 · 08/12/2015 21:21

I will be worry too; your dd is in year 5 now; you should talk to her and explain what's right and wrong and talk about sex. There is a very big gap between she and the boy; and this boy is not innocent anymore. I would ask her to be careful with this boy.

Ferguson · 08/12/2015 22:01

Luna9 -

One of us is confused. I thought the ages were 5yrs old for the girl, and 9yrs old for the boy. Or is it me that has got it wrong?

I would imagine it is totally 'innocent' , but even so, best to keep a close eye on things?

Clutterbugsmum · 08/12/2015 22:02

Luna, Homosapiens DD is not in year 5, she is 5 years old.

Homosapiens I would speak to the school about what your DD has said.

CocktailQueen · 08/12/2015 22:05

It would be very unusual for a year 4/5 boy to have anything to do with an unrelated year 1 girl. Sounds very odd. I'd keep an eye. Maybe speak to your dd's teacher and see who we her friends in her year group and encourage her to play with them.

AnnaMarlowe · 08/12/2015 22:16

Of course talk to the school if you are concerned however just to pick up in what Cocktail and Luna said separately-

There's a 5yo girl at school who has a crush on my 8yo DS. She rushes up to him at playtime and in the park and hugs/tickles/chases him.

Because he is a nice boy he puts up with it and treats her kindly rather than hurtfully rejecting her. I'd be pretty shocked/furious if anyone suggested there was anything sinister in it.

You do need to be very careful here about what you say/what accusations, or implications you make. You have very, very little to go on.

BertPuttocks · 09/12/2015 06:35

At our school the older children are encouraged to play with the younger ones and the newer children at playtimes. I think they are even setting up a scheme where the Yr5 and Yr6 children are given extra training to be Playground Buddies.

They also bring out extra equipment at playtime for the children. Things like balls, hoops, skipping ropes, and other games. I thought your dd's comment was more likely to refer to something like that rather than anything more sinister.

If you are worried, it might be worth asking a member of staff about what happens in the playground and how the younger and older children mix. If it's a small school then presumably they would all be on the same playground, so it may reassure you if you find out that the year groups are encouraged to help the younger ones.

Witchend · 09/12/2015 14:21

I'd also pick up on that older ones can play nicely with the younger ones.

Ds is a rather immature 8yo in year 4. At cubs, one of his friends has a preschool younger sister who adores him. she rushes straight over to him and hugs him, if families are joining on a walk or something she wants to hold his hand the whole time. I don't really know why, as they have no other contact-the friend isn't from the same school or anything.
They have a little in-joke together about his arm being a cake, they think it's very funny.

He's not particularly into younger siblings, it's all come from her latching on to him. Occasionally I can see he's finding it a little difficult when she's holding tightly and he is eying up what his friends are doing and knowing he can't manage with her attached to him, but he deals with it very well-surprisingly well considering his usual temperament.

YesterdayOnceMore · 09/12/2015 20:15

I also have a 8yr old DS who is more than happy playing with 4 & 5 year olds. To be fair, they are boys as well.

Sometimes an 9 year old boy could be about the same level of maturity as a 5 year old girl. Don't assume things just because it's an "older boy".

Talk to the school, but do not accuse. Talk to your daughter on another day about not keeping secrets. It's far more likely to be innocent than not.

YesterdayOnceMore · 09/12/2015 20:18

And also, my 5 year old son was going to marry a girl older than him. She played nicely with him, was kind to him etc. Because she is a girl, this was seen as more normal- a maternal thing.

vjg13 · 10/12/2015 08:49

My younger daughter's primary school adopted a mentor type system for years 5&6 to be reading buddies and help in ICT. When my daughter was in reception, a year 6 boy who was her ICT buddy became very possessive of her, she was not allowed to work with anyone else and he would bring little presents in to school for her. It all became too much and he grabbed her and shouted at her when she tried to work with someone else. She was quite scared of him by this stage.

My husband picked her up that day and spoke to the teacher, the school ensured they did not work together again but he was still over interested in her and she was very relieved when he left.

I would definitely raise any concerns you have with school.

ShowStopper · 10/12/2015 13:16

I find it quite sad that some of the posters are implying that older children (boys) can't be friends with younger dc, without there being something sinister going on.

Booboostwo · 10/12/2015 13:46

You are being completely silly and your interpretation of the whole thing is bonkers. My DD started at our local village school a month later than everyone else and did not speak the language (3yo) and a lot of the older children were lovely to her. Boys and girls run up to her to welcome her in the mornings, they learnt a song to sing to her in English and looked after her during nice. She still plays with them, no reason to think anything other than the obvious - they were being kind.

AalyaSecura · 11/12/2015 12:12

There is a huge amount of cross year friendships in our school, especially between YR/Y1 and Y5/6, because the school actively encourages the older ones to buddy and lead games with the younger ones. It's been one of the best things about our school imo, not something that is odd.

AalyaSecura · 11/12/2015 12:16

Thinking about it in your instance, OP, I'd be guided by your DD. Talk to her about boundaries and not keeping secrets, and that she needs to talk to you if she ever feels uncomfortable about the friendship. My 5yo has talked to me about being uncomfortable about older children often trying to pick him up, and we've helped him to tell people that he doesn't want that.

amarmai · 13/12/2015 12:59

Secrets are a red flag as is the age difference. Trust your instincts op. Perhaps your dd and you can role play -you can pretend to be the boy , then she can be the boy. Also helpful to use stuffies to represent them and drawing pictures .

Writtenbyme · 13/12/2015 13:13

When I was about 7 years old an older boy (year 6) picked me out to be friends with. Started following me around, then speaking to me, then we would walk around together or sit on the bench holding hands. He was a popular boy and his friends would ask him to play football and he would say no, I am just spending lunch break with Written.
Not being particularly popular myself I was shocked by the attention he gave me but developed a massive crush on him.

After a while (weeks/a couple of months?)however I started to get an uneasy feeling and made an effort to avoid him.

I don't think he did anything inappropriate but my instinct told me his attention wasn't innocent.

Obviously this is my experience and not necessarily the same as your situation.

My advice would be to follow your instinct and encourage your daughter to follow her instinct.

amarmai · 13/12/2015 13:34

Good idea to mention to gp when you take dd for a check up , what she said re secrets and sticking things in. The Dr will then be able to assess if anything has happened and cd recommend a child therapist if needed.

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