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Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

Primary education

4 yo DS making friends - reception

15 replies

Flumplet · 12/10/2015 17:29

Hi all, I think i might be being a bit PFB, and I would welcome you to confirm this, but I noticed something this morning that made me feel a bit sad and just need to chat about it really. On the walk to school this morning we DS and I bumped into a child who DS is convinced is his 'best friend' - we'll call him Dave. Dave was walking with his older brother and another kid from reception and their parents. Dave is quite a 'streetwise' little chap, almost 5 whereas my DS has only just turned 4, and he really wasn't all that bothered about my DS and was more interested in the other two, but my DS kept running after him and kept looking back at me smiling and he was just like a little puppy that kept being ignored. They were the same once we reached the playground. My DS isn't as fast at running as the other two and it just made me feel a bit sad for him that they weren't that bothered about playing with him when he is so clearly smitten (obviously i know they are kids and i honestly dont hold it against them). I just felt really sorry for DS, mostly because he was so oblivious he just kept running after them when they were trying to shrug him off.

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Flumplet · 12/10/2015 18:53

Anybody been in a similar situation who wouldn't mind telling me how they dealt with it?

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Fluffy24 · 12/10/2015 18:57

Sorry I don't have anything to add - DS only 9 mo - but hope someone can help you, it's hard being the mum of a PFB!

MilkRunningOutAgain · 12/10/2015 20:50

don't worry, it's early days yet. The other reception child may be very happy to play when his older brother isn't there. Play dates may help, if your DS is happy for them to be arranged. Is your DS happy at school in general? If yes then he is doing very well.

Y1questions · 12/10/2015 22:00

We had similar last year. Then it got worse. With our 'Dave' being purposefully mean and manipulative towards our DS. And stuff such as spitting in his face. I witnessed quite a few things and can only imagine what else went on when I wasn't there.

Problem was that our 'Dave' was the only boy our DS knew before starting, and DS was very keen to be accepted by Dave. Dave took advantage of this.

So we had to have quite a few conversations of the 'what can I do when Dave is mean to me?' type. Walk away. Tell a teacher. Find someone else to play with (Who?). Don't ever strike a deal with Dave because we know that Dave does not intend to honour it - only do what Dave suggests if it is something you are ok with (Dave would promise he'd buy DS something he coveted after school, if DS let him line up with his friend rather than being stuck with DS. Or would promise to buy him something if DS didn't play with DS' best friend ...).

Also we talked to the teacher and asked her to gently steer DS towards other children, which she did.

9 months on, the situation with Dave was still very fraught.
A year later though, I'm starting to think we may be over the worst. DS now has his own little group of friends and so is much less dependent on Dave, leaving Dave less scope for manipulating him. DS has also matured a lot (is now the age that Dave was (nearly) last year) and 'gets' what is happening, and has more resources for dealing with it. Last year he was totally out of his depth.

I think the key thing was building a small network of friends outside of the 'in' circle of the alpha kids at school. And that happened via play dates. Usually instigated by myself.

It was heartbreaking to watch DS being so manipulated and hurt last year. He was made to grow up before his time. I'd suggest carefully observing the situation as it develops, encouraging other friendships to reduce the dependency on 'best friend' Dave, and if necessary asking the teacher to help with this too.

Flumplet · 12/10/2015 22:17

Yes ds is happy to start school. We had a little chat this evening about how nice it is to have lots of friends instead of just one best friend, and how it might be a nice idea to try playing with different people every day. I mentioned that I didn't think Dave was playing very nicely this morning and ds agreed. I don't think play dates would really work in this case - lets just say Dave's mum hasn't been keen to engage - I'm a little bit of an outsider at the school gate - the other mums are very local and all know each other - they spend the days together whereas I go off to work every day - I think you might understand what I'm diplomatically trying to say. We're not living in the best area... anyway, I'll keep my eye on ds, he's such a sweet little soul I would hate for him to be hurt when all he wants to do is please.y1 I hope you're ds is ok, I just want to squeeze him reading your post.

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minimalistaspirati0ns · 12/10/2015 22:29

My middle class area has an extremely high number of SAHP's because the role/care is valued.

Going back to your son though. It's just a life lesson. He needs to learn to pick his friends wisely. There will always be kids that are on a different wave length.

chapca · 12/10/2015 23:14

Sorry you are worrying, I probably would too but you might be reading too much into it. Young kids are socially very awkward. Maybe Dave was having a shy morning. My son has just started reception and he talks a lot about boys he plays with but if we ever bump into them out of school (and out of context) they tend to often ignore each other completely.

I am sure it will work out, it's early days.

Misty9 · 12/10/2015 23:22

I would also say it could have been innocent: ds is just four and goes to nursery with a little friend he's known for years and when this friend is around all others get ignored...(We do tell him that's not kind) including a little boy who ds really does like and plays with a lot. He'll find his group, try not to worry she says, dreading the prospect of ds starting school

SaigonSaigon · 12/10/2015 23:34

I think you're reading too much into it, but I understand why. Your DS has just started school and you want him to fit in. He sounds like a friendly boy so I'm sure he'll be fine. They need to find their feet, learn about how to be with others, accept the highs and lows of friendship, etc. His journey is just beginning. I think these things are often harder for parents as we look at it with adults eyes. But to kids at that age, they'll soon find someone they like being around more, and all will be good.

puddymuddles · 12/10/2015 23:47

My DD (eldest of three so a PFB!) has also just started reception and is a youngish one with a Spring birthday. I was worried that she hadn't mentioned someone she really liked but she is really happy at school and plays with different children everyday. She says she doesn't want one friend because she is 'everyones friend'. I am sure your DS will be fine!

Micksy · 13/10/2015 00:09

My daughter was very much like this. She was convinced that a particular girl was her best friend, but the girl always seemed to ignore her on the way into school. However, they now have play dates etc.
I think sometimes kids just like the comfort of mum on the way into school and no friends can compete. School is a totally different environment with different priorities, and the two of them may well play with each other all day long.

Helloall1 · 13/10/2015 19:07

My child has just started reception too, I worry that most other children were already friends as not many seem to engage with him. But teachers assure me he is a sociable little thing.

It's always hard when you don't know what really goes on behind the door, but if they seem happy then it's a good sign.

OP I know how you feel, my face doesn't seem to fit in the yard, other parents look as though they have known eachother for ages whereas we have only been in the area just over a year. I feel super awkward! So does DH when he goes.

Hopefully it will get better x

Flumplet · 14/10/2015 14:01

Thank you Hello and everyone else for your helpful posts, i think it is that 'not knowing' that i'm struggling with, because when he comes home he either "cant remember" or doesn't know what he's been doing, who he's been playing with, whether he's had a drink, what he had for his lunch... He seems to have followed my advice and branched out a bit, although Dave is still his best friend apparently and he's convinced he's going to Dave's party (I haven't had an invitation)...I hope i didnt come across as being derogatory to the other mothers at the gates, we're just from very different backgrounds, they all know each other and they're not particularly interested in me fitting in despite my initial efforts.

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Misty9 · 15/10/2015 20:28

Try asking him just "was it a happy day or a sad day?" - seems to help with getting info from my 4yo ds :)

amarmai · 16/10/2015 00:48

My gs and i tell stories about our day when he is in bed . He seems to be more willing to remember then. We also do role playing where i am my gs and he is ---. This enables me to practice with him different ways to respond to behaviours that are not kind. Sometimes we do this when we are playing with toys and can assign roles to a turtle or a minion and act out different scenarios. After we play acted it one way , we change roles and he copies the response i have modelled for him.

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