Am i being ridiculous? Nursery friends in a different school class...

[pilsbury1]

DD is starting school in Sep and we just found out today that she is being put in a different class to most of her friends (its a 2-form entry). The school had previously asked everyone to let them know who their childs' best friends were in order for them to work out who would be in what class. We've just found out today that DD will be in a different class to the 3 best friends I had already told them about. There will be a few from her current nursery in her class, but not her best friends. I'm finding this quite upsetting - a child starting at school is an emotional time as it is, but it feels really mean that her 3 closest chums will be together and she won't be with them. I've tried to talk to the school about it, but their line is "what's done is done" and also that they talked to the nursery manager beforehand and she said it was "fine".
I am making a mountain out of a molehill or should I pursue this further? I feel particularly aggrieved that they asked who she was closest to and then just ignored me! DD is fairly confident and I know she'll make plenty of friends over time at school, but surely the friends you have in your class are usually the ones you keep the closest with? Or am I being over-emotional and ridiculous?

[LMGTFY]

My son started school with 8 others from his nursery, they were all in one class and he was in the other as they split by age. Didn't affect him at all. One of them is still his best friend 6 years on regardless of seperate classes and he's made other fantastic friends along the way.

[LMGTFY]

Argh separate I mean!

[WipsGlitter]

DS started with his best bud. Three years later they're not best buds anymore. It will be fine!

[MyNightWithMaud]

You're not being over-emotional or ridiculous, but I do think you need to take a deep breath and let go. The school asked you to express (what I assume was) a preference and for whatever reason they haven't been able to accommodate it. You can't expect the school to unpick all the class allocations now (and, if they did, that would no doubt start another wave of complaints).

As you say, your child will have some familiar faces from nursery in her class, will see her currently best friends at playtime and will make other friends. Friendships shift so much at primary school and later; once your child gets to school she may well decide she wants other friends beyond those she had at nursery and has little to do with them.

[howabout]

You are not being ridiculous. I am sure she will notice and be upset that her 3 friends are together. However this happened to my dd and within 6 months she had new friends. Also stood her in good stead for when classes were mixed up again. My DC are at a 2 class per year primary and one of the advantages is they have more children to mix with. The more they are kept with old friends the less they benefit from this. So hopefully a silver lining for later.

[Sgtmajormummy]

This happened to my DD (one close friend with her and two in another class). They see each other at break and after school as the mums are all friendly, so it's fine.
Maybe they'd have formed an exclusive clique if they'd been in the same class- not what you want! She's 9 now and has good friends in her class, but I do think nursery friends are still important in later school life. They're reassuring, especially in the first months.
Asking for a class change is really not on, though, unless you already have kids in that school and the admin staff know you well. Otherwise you'll start off on the wrong foot...

[fiveacres]

I think I'd ask about it, at least.

[Fizrim]

Do you know the nursery manager well enough to ask if they did say "fine" or if there is another reason? Did the other 3 friends ask to be with your DD too or might they have asked for a different arrangement?

Good to hear that there are others that she will know well in her class when she starts.

[pilsbury1]

thanks for all the messages.

i do know the nursery manager quite well, so i'll ask for her thoughts when i pick up the kids from nursery shortly.

i know that its an almost impossible task to put everyone in the class they want to be on, but i think if i don't at least make an attempt at a fuss now then its not going to change in the future.

i don't mind being tarnished as a "difficult parent" - its not my feelings i'm worried about, but those of my daughter!

but i will definitely take a deep breath as well :)

[soapboxqueen]

Allocating classes can be very difficult as pp have said. Trying to take into account sen, individual circumstances and friendship groups inevitably means that someone isn't going to be with certain friends. The school asked your opinion but were under no obligation to ensure that your preferences were carried out. I suspect that when the nursery teacher was asked she said 'fine' because there are no particular reasons why your dd would be in any worse position than any other child in this scenario.

Obviously ask at the school just for your own peace of mind.

[MmeMorrible]

I wouldn't worry. If the friendship is that string they will each other in the playground at break time.

Same thing happened with my DS when his nursery class were split for reception, the boys I thought were his best friends ended up in a different class. Coming to the end of Y3 now and actually, he has a set of 4 friends in his own class who he fits with much better.

[DeeWe]

I have had experience of my dc being put in different classes to their friends at various stages. In fact I am tempted to say that the first thing any school does when they want to mix up children is look at my dc's best friends and put them in different classes.

It does effect them, however I would say nursery to year R is by far and away the easiest. Many children will be coming in new and even those who know each other, friendship groups tend to be fairly fluid at that age, so it isn't anything like as big an issue as when they have to break into other friendships.

Secomdly, I very much doubt they will change the classes. Because it isn't just a case of putting your dc in the other class-they will have sorted out by numbers/age/gender and as even as they can. The receptions I know want an even spread of summer/winter, boy/girl Sen/non SEN etc. Also they will have several complaints/requests every year (if again those I know of have anything to go by) By agreeing for anything but an exceptional reason they are laying themselves wide open to even more complaints.

It seems unlikely that you would be asked who to put them with, give three names and be split from them all for no reason. It may be that nursery said that she gets distracted easily with friends, or is dominated by/dominates friends, it may be that one of the friends said "please split from Op's dd". It may be just one of those things, but I would certainly think that's a distinct possibilities. And I doubt any will directly own up to it either.
I would have expected if they were asking for 3 names they would put one with you. I suppose the other possibilities is that the other 3 all named each other and not your dd, and there were others in the other class that named your dd. That happened to my dd once, which I was very unimpressed by.

Lastly you may not mind being "one of those parents" but I would say pick your battles. If this really matters, then go for it, although I doubt that they'll change.
But save your real battles for what it really matters otherwise you'll find they take you less seirously. I go in rarely, but when I do I expect to be taken very seriously. And generally I am. Whereas the parent who has been in 6 times already that year over little things is more likely to be given the head's platitude talk, designed to calm the parent down without saying anything really.

[DinosaursRoar]

If it helps, DC1 started last september and was put in a class with 2 children from the same nursery (most were going to different schools). We are nearly at the end of hte year and I only hear about other children. When asked who he wanted over for playdates this half term just gone, all the children he listed were different ones, I did arrange one meet up with one boy who was in his nursery and they did play nicely together, but that was more that I made friends with the mum via nursery and fancied a catch up!

It could well be they have a limit of how many children from each pre-school/nursery they will put in each class to avoid making it majority from one pre-school and making it harder for other children to make friends.

I would politely request if a space comes up inthe other class before september, can your DD be moved - that's very common with people moving away or getting 1st choice school if this was their 2nd choice, so rather than fill that spare place with someone from the wait list, move your DD then fill her place (hope that makes sense). That's not causing a big difficulty for them.

In the meantime, can you get details of the other children who'll be in your DD's class and arrange playdates over the summer so she doesn't go in not knowing many children. If you have a class rep sorted already, they might arrange a big meet up at the local park a couple of times over the summer (round here that's the norm in most schools), try to find some other children your DD gets on well with before hand.

[Millymollymama]

I actually find it quite odd that parents just want a child to be friendly with three others. There are so many other children out there! I know of 2 nursery friends who went all the way to year 5 without being split up. When they were, in year 6, their worlds fell apart. The school did not change its mind. My children never had the luxury of staying with friends, but these two managed it. However 7 years in the same High school, followed by 3 years doing the same course at the same University, makes me think they might marry each other!

[404NotFound]

Oh god, honestly, just be breezy about it, both to yourself and to your child. Allocating too much brain space to this is a fast-track to madness, you have another 13 years of compulsory education to get through, in the course of which you will encounter issues that definitely will require you to intervene. This is not one of those.

If nursery have said 'it's fine', I would read that as 'pilsbury's dd is a confident, sensible, well-adjusted child who will flourish in any setting', and recalibrate your mindset accordingly.

For a child like that it is actually much better to have access to a range of possible friendships outside established nursery ones - some girl-friendships can become quite clingy and restrictive particularly if one of the children has controlling or queen-bee tendencies, or alternatively is not that confident and wants to keep her existing friends a bit too close for (their) comfort. The mantra is, "Oh, aren't you lucky, you can make lots of new friends and still see all your old friends as well, how exciting."

Class allocations are a nightmare for primary schools, because whatever damn thing they do, there'll be some parents who are not happy with it, some of whom will kick off unpleasantly and unreasonably. Unless there are very specific issues, eg a vulnerable child being placed with a child who has a track record of bullying them, then it is ALWAYS better to assume that the school have made decisions in what they think are the best interests of all the children, and that it will all work out just fine.

I can absolutely guarantee they will not change the class allocations in response to anything you might say, short of some dealbreaking reason such as your child being in a wheelchair and the allocated class being up some stairs for eg. Not only will it not achieve aything, but you will get on the school's radar as a complainer before your child has even started, which is baaaad tactics. You say you don't care about being seen as 'one of those parents', but you actually don't want that reputation because, as someone has already pointed out, the school will be much less likely to take you seriously when there is an important issue if you have form for kicking off over minor stuff like class allocations and how often the reading books are changed.

Honestly, trust the school, trust the teachers, be the parent who is super-supportive and enthusiastic about what the school are doing, and always thanks the teachers when they've gone beyond the call of duty. And then when an actual issue does come up that really needs to be taken seriously, the school will be much more likely to take your input on board, because you will have a reputation as a sensible supportive parent rather than a complainer.

It's a looong journey, keep your powder dry.

[Eigg]

I was pleased when my DS was in the same school class as his 'best' friend from primary. They drifted apart almost immediately and although they are still friendly, never do play dates or even attend each other's parties.

My DD is still friends with her Best friend from nursery but it's become rather a problematic relationship and I actively encourage her to widen her friendship group.

Things change a lot when they start school. The nursery teachers have lots of experience, I'd have faith in their judgement.

[fleurdelacourt]

you've had some really good advice on here IMO

reception is such a fluid time in terms of friendships. YANBU to be concerned about your dc but really it will all work out. As long as she knows someone she'll be fine on day one, and will then make her own little friends from there.

FWIW ds is in Y5 and his friends are spread evenly over the 2 classes. He has been best friends with one boy since nursery despite being in different classes - they still play together at break time.

[TheNumberfaker]

IME the friendships that last longest from preschool into school are those where the parents are close friends as well as the children.
They will find new friends which is a fantastic skill to learn at a young age.

[PatriciaHolm]

I really wouldn't worry about it.

Chances are the classes will be together lots anyway, and the school are staggeringly unlikely to do anything about it even if you complain - they can't possibly be seen to be taking parents requests for classes as otherwise lots of people would do it and sorting classes would be impossible! She'll still see her friends and will quickly make new ones.

[Hoppinggreen]

Normally I would say the same as everyone else,they will make new friends etc etc etc but if she is in a close friendship group of 4 and 3 are in the other class I think she may find it difficult.
Sadly I don't think there is much you can do now but even if it causes some short term upset she WILL be ok in the long term I'm sure.

[redskybynight]

How does Reception work at the school? In the school my DC's went too, for the vast majority of time the two classes did activities together. In fact DS (who went in not knowing anyone) made friends entirely from children in the "other" class.

We did have a similar situation when DD was in Reception - one girl from her friendship group was put in 1 class whilst the others were all put in the other class. The girl made other friends and was able to equally remain friends with all the others.

Also does the school mix classes every year? If it does, think very hard about picking your battles.

[harryhausen]

This happened to my dd at reception too and it did upset me at the time. We weren't even asked who they were friends with. However I sucked it up and didn't say anything.

She'll be going into Y6 soon. It took until Y1 for her to really find her feet socially but I think that would have happened anyway. She's very popular with girls and boys but she doesn't have a 'best friend'. She's happy with this.

Incidentally, she DID drift from girls she seemed closer to at nursery who were in the different class however as they're coming to the end of primary, they seem to be finding each other again.

I think you're normal for worrying, but she will be FINE and happy in a really short period of time - I'll put money on it

[EeyorePigletAndPoohToo]

I completely sympathise and don't think you're being over-emotional at all.

Our previous school was a 60 child intake and they had a policy of mixing the children up every two years. DS therefore started Reception with his Nursery friends, but they were mixed up for Y1. DS is autistic and finds it pretty hard to make friends. I was therefore beyond furious, and very upset, when every single one of his friends (8 children, who he had tried so hard to become friendly with during Nursery and YR) were put into the other class and he was left completely alone. They also did split lunch breaks due to the size of the lunch hall, so he would be eating lunch whilst his friends in the other class were playing, and vice versa. I would be lying if I said we reached an easy conclusion. I fell out with the school over it, and he never regained his confidence from being separated from his friends, who stopped playing with him because the classes were not encouraged to mix. Eventually we left the school.

However I think our experience was unusual and pretty extreme. Other children in the year group were also separated from their friends and seemed to manage a lot better than my DS did. DS2 was also separated from his friends going into Y1, and he was absolutely fine and made new friends quickly whilst still maintaining friendships with the children in the other class. You said that your DD is 'fairly confident', which is a good start. I assume that new children will also join her Reception class, who she may not know already from Nursery, and this might give her a lovely opportunity to forge new friendships. A quiet word with your nursery manager might help to put your mind at rest though.

[omnishambles]

My children have never known anyone else when they have started school - neither of them went to the nurseries as they had to go to day nurseries instead and were absolutely fine.

If there isn't a reason like Eeyore's above then they will make new friends and, more importantly, learn how to make new friends. I would advise not getting involved in the friends churn that goes on in the infants or it will drain your very soul.

With school don't try and control the things that don't need to be controlled - save your ire for big situations like bullying etc.