Year 5 Boy - disastrous parents evening - Help!

[fleurdelacourt]

So ds is 10 and ALL the parents evenings from Nursery - year 4 went really well. Bright boy, perfectionist traits which he needs to overcome but natural mathematician, popular, happy etc.

And then, with no prior warning, the year 5 parents evening was a shocker. He hands no homework in, he is very moody and often believes he can't do the work, he panics under pressure. The maths teacher (having been v complimentary earlier in the year) basically suggested that he might struggle to pass any entrance exams.

While I remain appalled at the way the school have communicated this, I need to try and deal with it now. Without scaring ds even further.

Anyone got any tips for building confidence? I'm thinking a small amount of mental maths every day? Anything else I could do?

He does do his homework when it comes home so clearly I need to make sure it always comes home and is always handed in.

[Miggsie]

You need to look at ways to reduce his anxiety - his ability doesn't seem to be an issue judging from year 4, he may just be buckling under the pressure of entrance exams (which suck the joy out of an entire school year to my mind).

[FlaviaAlbia]

It sounds like it might be worth double checking that there wasn't a mix up? That sounds like such a dramatic change they could be talking about another pupil.

[SteppeAwayFromTheKeyboard]

I would be wondering less about how to help his maths and more about why he is so anxious and the sudden change.

I would ask to see the teacher again and remind her that he has been great up until now and ask her what she thinks is going on? is he suddenly worried about exams, has he had a patch of stuff he didn't get first time and lost confidence?

I would also be asking him what is going on and what he is thinking.

It sounds to me as if something is bothering him.

[fleurdelacourt]

Wow - I wasn't expecting any responses - such a garbled opening, thank you!

DS is a sensitive soul - I knew his confidence had been gradually undermined by all the alpha males but I thought he was holding his own academically.

Speaking to him after the parents evening, he now thinks he is rubbish at everything. He switches off in maths because he has convinced himself he can't do it.

He genuinely dislikes school now - so I guess that is the root of all of this.

We spent a lot of time chatting and cuddling over the weekend which was lovely. I want to be there for him emotionally but am also aware that I now have very little time to rebuild his confidence emotionally. I just thought the daily maths would be a little routine that he and I could get in to.

I am aware I need to improve the communication with his teachers - I thought I'd let the Easter break go and then ask for a for a quick catch up meeting.

[fleurdelacourt]

so I guess I need ways to try and reduce his anxiety urgently - any resources I should be aware of?

[Doublethecuddles]

Can you spend time over the holidays doing some activities he enjoys doing and is good at to boost his confidence? Can remind him throughout the term what he managed to do!
Mental maths is a great idea, I would start at an easier level to boost his confidence. What about baking, and getting him to double of halve recipes? Maths but in a fun way. We have also had science kits which are maths based.
Could he become the family "expert" at something? My DD is the breakfast pancake maker, which she loves and experiments with different fruits. I have a friend who's son is the " scone maker". It it could be something like navigating family days out. Just a few ideas.

[malefridgeblindness]

I suggest carol vorderman's online maths factor. He can start at whatever level he likes and is not competing with anyone. The modules are very well explained and your ds can go at his own pace.

Have you talked to him about anxiety. It's completely normal to develop fears between the ages of 7 and 10 because of the way the brain grows at that stage. By disvussing fears and how you cope with them and how everyone has them you may be able to help him cope better with the things that trouble him.

[MissAnneThropy]

Perhaps he doesn't want to pass any 'entrance exams'?

I (metaphorically) ran a mile when it was suggested I should take the exams for the grammar school rather than go to the comprehensive with all my friends.

Have you discussed with him what he wants to do after y6?

[fleurdelacourt]

re the entrance exams... I do take that on board but he's in the independent sector so even the non selective schools round here have some kind of test of ability that he has to sit.

I think I need a 2 pronged approach - I have to deal with his anxiety (which started with cricket and has spread pretty much across the whole curriculum) - and that can only done by spending some quality time with him each day. I had thought of banning electronics but I think that's too draconian and would only make matters worse.

And bite sized chunks of mental maths each day. the carol vorderman site seems to charge? Any free resources you've liked?

ironically he does have one very strong area of expertise - a historical subject that is normally on the year 5 curriculum! he's been looking forward to it but the teacher has got wind of his expertise and so they're not going to study it now..... that was a major blow. Agree that he needs to have one thing he's confident about - will give that more thought.

thank you all x

[MillyMollyMama]

I am very surprised you did not know he was not handing homework in - don't primary schools have a homework timetable so you know what he should be doing? Clearly the school have left it rather late to tell you there is a problem which is not helpful. Has the work got a lot more difficult so his confidence is dented? I would urgently seek another meeting with the school to work out a strategy so that he enjoys school a bit more, finds his old confidence and you should discuss how they can help him improve at maths. It is not all down to you. What, exactly, is the problem? Is this an independent school if you are looking at entrance exams to senior school?

[malefridgeblindness]

the carol vorderman site charges a tenner a month! There are some free games on woodlands junior, but nothing as structured. Mathletics is another paid for option. Otherwise, the bond books are good, as are some of the whsmith own-brand books.

Have you considered bribery for electronics? e.g. to earn 20 minutes screen time you need to do this task (maths questions, english comprehension, reading).

If the anxiety is really having that much of an effect have you thought of asking your gp for a referral to camhs?

[Doublethecuddles]

OP I was meaning more of a personal confidence building achievement like a long cycle run, climbing a big hill, swimming a long distance, going on one of these tree top adventures. Sorry all my examples are physical, but something out with the educational curriculum which gives him a real sense of achievement.
Bookshops tend to have a good range of maths books.

[Lonecatwithkitten]

You need to sit down and discuss this with them in more detail.
I had this experience with DD in year 5, it was the only sign that she was dyslexic. She is very bright and her coping strategies stopped working for her.
Ask the school if they have assessed processing speed etc. DD had CAT scores in the top bands, hence the comments of 'does seem to want to push herself'. When they assessed processing speed it was well below average.
It may just be self confidence, but get processing checked as well.
Ultimately DD was found to have an auditory processing ability well beyond her age and a visual processing ability well behind her age. She had been coping down the school by verbalising everything, in year 5 this was just no longer possible.

[fleurdelacourt]

agree 100% on the physical confidence building. We have been trying to increase the range of outdoors stuff we do as a family and even the teachers commented that his mood was great when he returned from half term (after a v successful skiing week). I guess it's just extending that so that he feels every weekend has been a personal success.

the last comment about verbalising is very interesting. I've been doing quick maths problems with him in the car and he loves doing them. he was even asking for more as he fell asleep - with the very last comment that it was much easier than when they were written down.

I do think anything that looks like a test paper gets him into a flat spin. I am pretty confident he isn't dyslexic but wonder if processing speed could be an issue. Are they separate things?

On the homework - there is a timetable but the teachers never stick to it so I have no idea what I'm expecting. I trust him to bring it home and then hand it in when done. This has always been fine but apparently hasn't been for a while now. Neither teacher let me know this when it started - they waited until we are 2/3 of the way through the year which I feel is appalling.

The maths teacher's parting comment to me (as she put all his paperwork away) was that we don't need to panic yet - with the emphasis on the yet. I guess we panic in the autumn then?!!

[HarveySchlumpfenburger]

I think you've hit the nail on the head with your second sentence when you said he's bright with perfectionist tendencies. I think he might be disengaging, because it's better to fail if you haven't put the effort in than if you've failed because you weren't good enough.

Giving him lots of success might boost his confidence in the short term, but it might turn out to be a bit of a stcking plaster. What he probably needs is plenty of opportunity to take risks and fail, and how to deal with that in a safe, managed way. Along with lots of praise for effort, rather than achievement.

CAMHS isn't a bad shout but they may not look at him this early as they are likely to have long waiting lists.

[iseenodust]

Does he have a group of friends who are not at the same school? eg cubs, football club. I believe this reduces the anxiety about school friendships / alpha males.

You say the problem started with cricket. Is there a local club he can join where the emphasis is more on being inclusive and fun ? DS goes to a lovely village club where everyone gets a turn at playing in matches. To improve catching & bowling this garden net or a crazy catch are brilliant.

[jazzandh]

I think it is a real shame they have pulled the history......why would they want to not let a child have a moment of glory - ime the alpha sporting types get plenty of it!!

Does your sons school subscribe them to any online maths programmes? My son has a MyMaths login - where his homework is set, but there are lessons to work through and review. I also obtained a copy of the school maths book, so that i could check DS understanding of topics (also Y5).

My DS also has a homework diary that he has to note down what he is meant to be doing and I have to sign each week.

[fleurdelacourt]

right - have emailed about him joining the scouts! a lot of his hobbies are rather solitary - hadn't thought about that.

agree on the history thing - I will speak to the teacher as it would have been his moment -he can literally teach the subject he's that knowledgeable.

No homework diary. Instead I will be texting friends to make sure we have all the homework. I realise he needs to take some responsibility but he is a 10 year old boy - surely they're not the most reliable anyway?

[Doublethecuddles]

Oh I hope he gets into Scouts, they do the most fantastic things!
Primary school children aren't that reliable, especially boys and try school must know that!

[fleurdelacourt]

popped into see his teacher to mention about the history topic - and got a real cats bum face in return!

she did say she might try to squeeze it in though - so I guess that's ok?

also found a guardian article on line connecting screen time with anxiety and depression. so we're introducing new household rules about that - not gone down well but hopefully will help in the longer run.

[Lonecatwithkitten]

Low processing speed is dyslexia (simplistic answer) my DD had none of the 'classic' signs. I am from a family of dyslexics so thought I knew what to look for.
She had an amazing reading age, is very articulate, but she just can't process visual information as fast as other people.
If you have them check and processing is normal then you can work on confidence. If they don't check and he proves to be dyslexic later you will kick yourself.

[HarveySchlumpfenburger]

Bright with perfectionist tendencies is a much bigger risk factor for anxiety, depression and other mental health disorders than screen time. Reducing screen time might help but there's a danger it could make it worse.

If it is an anxiety/perfection issue and it's spread to most things and he's already avoidance coping you may need some professional help to help him. Might be worth booking an appointment with a GP to see what they think is going on.

[sunnydayinmay]

Your ds sounds very much like my eldest. He even has a complete love of history.

He is bright, sensitive and quite a perfectionist (although he is also untidy, and loses everything!). I am certain he has processing issues, but so far has managed to work out his own way through them, which has kept up his confidence.

To be honest, I think he would have struggled in your school. He is in year 6 of our local state primary, and the support has been fantastic throughout. They wouldn't dream of changing a topic because a child had knowledge of it, and we would have been told very early on if there was a significant change in attitude.

I think year 5 is a tough year.They are on the edge of puberty, some boys get quite alpha and cocky. If you have a gentle, sensitive one, they can feel on the edge of things.

We are still feeling our way, but do loads of sport (tennis is his favourite), and I have actually just gone the other way with electronics and have bought (well, father christmas bought ) an xbox. He does his homework, tennis etc, has tea then chats with his friends on xbox live over a game of FIFA.

As regards the tests, we did state selective tests and just worked at home. We concentrated on accuracy, as his mental maths is amazing but he frequently switches numbers when he reads or writes them. We just did Bond 10 min tests a couple of times a week. He ended up with a great score and got the secondary he wanted.

Don't know much about the private sector, but we chose a school he felt comfortable in at the open day, and interesting it wasn't the school full of the local alpha males .

[sunnydayinmay]

(Reading back my post sounds very upbeat - actually, I think this has been my way of jollying him along. I have been in tears regularly, spent hours banging my head, worrying about him. We have had tears today in a music lesson because he couldn't do something he wanted to get right. I sat with SENCO yesterday going through secondary transfer and had to stop myself from having another wobble . This evening he is quietly in shock about the news of the plane crash (flying terrifies him), so I have sent him to watch Stampy on u tube. I has been like this since he was born. Not quite as upbeat as I would like.)

[fleurdelacourt]

sigh. yes he has always been a funny little soul. he was very empathetic as a toddler - would cry whenever anyone else did.

and the perfectionist thing is entirely internal - he has struggled with it since nursery. creative writing is night on impossible despite an amazing imagination as he just can't write the first sentence.

piano lessons started very strongly but we are now on the verge of giving up as he is so averse to trying a new piece. cricket looked like being his game but repeatedly being left out of school matches (so being one of only 3 boys in the year not playing) meant that he then refused to keep going to the out of school club that he had loved.

I have wondered over the past year or so whether he would have been better off at the local primary. His self esteem might not have had such a battering in a less competitive environment - his CAT scores are 'very strong' according to the school.

On the screen time - he is an addict, there is no other way of looking at it. So our initial step is to insist on no screens in the bedroom. I just want to help him get control a little bit - minecraft is fine in moderation!