TA 'secrets'

[Ohnostop]

I'm going to have to change a few minor things here as I've asked a lot of my friends opinions on this but Im still bothered about it.

In the smallest nutshell I can do! I dropped my daughters pe kit off to school. Her ta saw me and came over to tell me that she had great news that she was pregnant. There was another little boy putting his shoes on next to her (context!) she said she was doing a show and tell on her scan next week.

I profusely congratulated her, said DD loves babies and all that stuff, told her not to work too hard and left.

When I saw DD later I asked if she knew her TA was pregnant in a jovial style and said you must congratulate her tomorrow what lovely news!


It was all 10 second stuff, I thought very little about it and that was that.

The next day I got a really shitty email from her TA saying that she was 'interested' to hear that DD knew about the pregnancy, it wasn't her news to tell and basically I have ruined her surprise show and tell next week. She also said she had taken my DD outside and made her promise not to mention it again.

When DD left school she shouted at me and told my the TA had told her I was very naughty to share the secret and I had done a bad thing. The TA had made her 'pinky swear' in the corridor not to tell anyone about her 'secret'.

I honestly did not hear her tell me it was a secret. If she had i would have definitely respected it although would have thought a little weird she told me at all! I rarely see her or talk to her apart from polite pleasantries.

I told DD that I did not hear her TA say it was a secret but that I don't think it was a terrible thing I did. DD is a bit cross still, and I was a bit worried so I said 'do you have any other secrets with xx?' And she shouted 'no!' V abruptly. I asked would she tell me even if she did, and she said no, never

The whole thing has flummoxed me! apparently she has told many of the parents to keep the secret but some she told in front of their own children!

I'm bothered about the secrets tbh. Or am I over reacting? What would you do / say? I do feel bad about what's happened but it all seems a bit of a crazy situation! Am I not getting something here? Should I be apologizing? How would you fix it with DD?

[TheOddity]

She sounds nuts and self absorbed.

I would just drop it with DD, she will cool off and forgive you once she accepts you genuinely didn't know it was a secret!

Nowt as funny as folk.

[Ohnostop]

Thanks, you are right. I've been over thinking it I think today imagining a catalogue of strange secrets!

Dd has been going on about secrets and asking what they are and what do you do for some time, I thought it'd come from her friends!

[LittleEsmeWeatherwax]

This would annoy me tbh and I'd have to see her about it. Point out that at no point was it disclosed in confidence and that you were merely encouraging kindness with your daughter. Fucking hell, I wouldn't be told off for that, no way.

[Buttercup27]

I would be a bit concerned if my TA had asked a child to keep a secret (any kind of secret ) I know this is secret is a harmless one but it would still be a red flag to me which I would bring up with the head.

[thornrose]

I would never use the word secret with a child I was professionally involved with. Very bad judgement on her part.

[paxtecum]

Complain about her.
Children should never be told to keep a secret.

[Ohnostop]

But what do you say? I don't want to upset a pregnant lady but I am a bit pissed off I've got told off & DD thinks I've done a bad thing!

Would you revist the whole 'we don't keep secrets from your parents' with DD or does this class as a happy surprise which is ok to keep?

[Ohnostop]

Argh, kids in the way... Will be back later!

[finallydelurking]

I second bringing it up with the head! The TA sounds unhinged! Sorry you've fallen out with your daughter, hopefully it will all blow over soon

[Ferguson]

It is just an indication of how the most innocent or insignificant details can cause confusion or annoyance when they get relayed by another person. It is almost safest never to tell anyone anything - but then life would be boring!

[TooSpotty]

Sorry, but this is massively unprofessional behaviour on her part. No child should come home from school having been told off for anything concerning staff's personal life because that shouldn't be a concern of theirs. The TA shouldn't be sharing information with parents that children shouldn't know without extremely good reason and a clear explanation of what children may be told, and no child should be asked to keep a secret by an adult like this. Nor should the TA be setting your child against you.

Not saying I would feel able to do it myself but I suspect it wouldn't be inappropriate to report this to the school. The TA needs a serious talking to about boundaries.

[SantanaLopez]

She sounds really unprofessional, but I would have assumed she wanted the show and tell to be the reveal.

[finallydelurking]

I would phrase it with the head that you are concerned that DD is now upset with you and ask for advice on how to deal with that. Also mention you are concerned at the use of language such as 'keeping secrets'. Then leave it to the head to deal with the (thoroughly unprofessional) TA

[Littleturkish]

Forward the whole incident on to the class teacher. It reeks of unprofessionalism and she lacks boundaries. This needs to be sorted out before it escalates. No way should she have told your daughter off over this- she needs to be spoken to about what her actual role is.

[LynetteScavo]

Wow. Just...wow.

So many things wrong here, I don't know where to start!

[thefirstmrsrochester]

Crikey, extremely unprofessional behaviour from the TA. I would make the HT aware. Someone in a position of trust should not be telling children to keep secrets.

[BuzzardBird]

I told DD's teacher that I preferred if the word 'secret' wasn't used for 'surprises' as I have told DD that 'secrets' must always be reported to me. I don't like any adult telling my child to keep 'secrets' from me for any reason. Teacher totally understood and agreed. The TA needs to be informed of the potential seriousness of this situation.

And she is having her first baby I expect from her total overreaction?

[LB1975]

I work in a school and would be worried about the "secret" part of the conversation. I would email her back and cc the head teacher in. She should not be encouraging secrets - her behaviour is unprofessional!

[Ohnostop]

Thanks so much for all the replies. It's been annoying me a lot today as I've tried to think of ways I can say to DD that I'm still mum if that makes any sense. I may not get it right all the time but I do try to be a good person! She's fine, btw generally, we just haven't talked about it as I don't know what to say if anything.

I do realize now that the show and tell was the clue, you are right. It's just I was in a rush, other kids hanging off me, open room etc she didn't give me the secret vibe iyswim? And yes 1st baby!!

I think il have a word. The pinky swear bothers me as although yes, it's a common kid thing, we've never used it and the way DD was telling me it seemed like a 'thing they do' But I could be reading into it too much.

Any good tips for talking to DD? I was gonna say something at dinner as school tomorrow. Or maybe il bottle it! You know, I have this horrible voice in my head going 'how dare she!!!' And I want to state I'm the boss of my kids and they think I'm great but that's definitely not a good idea ( nor totally true!)

[Ohnostop]

Sorry did that make any sense I'm cooking dinner..

[mamaslatts]

Next time you see the TA, a breezy 'Hi, got your head out your arse yet?' should suffice.

[primarywannabe]

I would sit your DD down and tell her that you don't keep secrets from parents. There are clearly other secrets with this TA and you need to know what they are.
You need to have a chat with the head. Basic safeguarding training points out that you don't ask children to keep secrets. If she hasn't had this training then she shouldn't be working with your child.