Should I change my DS's primary due to lack of friendships/potential spectrum issues?

[Superness]

Sorry for the very long post but I could really do with some help. I am considering moving my DS out of his current large but popular primary school and into another local, smaller primary. He is Yr 2 and I have not been overly happy with the school since he started. DS is 6.5 yrs and has not made any good friends at school. He rarely gets invited to a play date although I see other children do on a fairly regular basis. Having said that he does get invited to some of the children's bday parties.

Throughout his school life he has complained that no one plays with him and he feels left out. On bad days, he gets down about it and says that he can not see the point in trying at school as nothing changes. Today he sat on his own at lunchtime because he said there is no point trying to play with the boys. Yesterday, in racing games at lunch, no-one would be his race partner.

I've mentioned these issues to the school from time to time. His teacher does not think the boys are doing this deliberately but acknowledges that they are rarely on playground duty and therefore it is hard for them to assess the situation fully. DS has has a playground buddy from time to time but this lasts for about a week and then I hear no more.

But it is not as simple as this, I have suspected for a long time that DS might be on the spectrum as he has difficulty with social interactions with children and in particular co-operatively playing. He also has some speech issues and has help for this. At times it appears he is unable to judge/perceive a situation clearly/properly. I have therefore prompted the school this term to refer him for an assessment to see if he is on the spectrum. The SENCO acknowledges that he displays many of the traits of a child on the spectrum but never proactively mentioned this to me (how disappointing!). Speech help has been sporadic throughout his attendance.

His class is predominantly (2/3 rds) boys who are the football/rugby type of boys (nothing wrong with that) and DS is more of a computer type. However, he wants to fit in and be a part of the group and so has tried his hardest to play the games that they like to play without trying to introduce his own rules. He has even bought into the match attax card game (and he doesn't even like football!) as a way of interacting with them all. Sadly, all of this is to no avail for him and he still says he is isolated. Academically, he is doing ok.

So tomorrow I am going to visit the other primary school and I am not sure if I am doing the right thing at all by even thinking about this. DS hasn't expressed an interest in moving school but does say that he is not really happy at school. With the type of children in his class and the fact that I think they have made up their minds about him, I'm not sure things will improve. However, the old adage 'the grass isn't always greener' springs to mind.

DD is due to start at the same school this September so I would have to try to change her also. Logistically this would be possible for me as I have exceptional circumstances for putting in for a change for her (diagnosed with BC recently and the other primary is closer to me). I expect she will have no problem fitting in wherever she goes; only most of the children from her nursery will be going to DS's current school and I do not want to disadvantage her either.

[cartoonsaveme]

Could he change class? We have one class in yr2 at our school that is 2/3 boisterous boys and that really isn't great. Luckily there are lots of activities that mix classes up so friendships form across 4 classes

[marriednotdead]

My perspective is somewhat skewed by my own experiences, so take this purely as an individual anecdote is I guess what I'm saying.

My DS was very like yours throughout primary.
He struggled to make friends and fit in, and he/we never quite understood why. When he started secondary, he was looking forward to the change and pleased that none of the other children from his school would be there.

He unravelled very quickly in the first term, began talking of self harming, and was urgently referred to CAMHS. Only then was his ASD diagnosed and with support from school and counsellors, he settled.
He remained happily there until the end of the first year of 6th form, when he decided to change to a different course which has meant a recent change of college. He's struggling once again and we are in the process of getting him counselling via the GP.

My experience is that change, even planned and happily anticipated, can be a huge anxiety trigger in a child on the spectrum. I wouldn't be in a hurry to move your DS if I were in your shoes, and would focus on pushing for support and possible diagnosis.

[Heels99]

I wouldn't wait for school to arrange assessment I would go to gp and start process asap. In meantime school need to do more to support and you need to become pushy mum and be clear on what your expectations are. Don't see how changing schools would help though.
Good luck

[mary21]

First ask gp to refer to developmental paediatric an re spectrum
2nd ask Sen Co about social communication groups/at school . Ds1,s/friends at primary weren't from his class but his social skills group.
3 work with his teacher with regard to friendships.
Ask about circle of friends program and whether the school uses it.

[OutwiththeOutCrowd]

Superness it does seem to me that in most classes there are more boisterous football-mad boys than quieter computer-geek boys. I don't think the geekier boys are necessarily less socially adept as the stereotype would have it, it's just that they are often trying to make connections in a non-optimal social environment for them.

An isolated footballing type would probably look awkward in a gaggle of geeks speaking geek-speak.

It's hard to speculate on whether there might be more like-minded boys in the new school and on whether a new class will embrace or ostracise a new arrival. Perhaps see if you can get an honest answer from the potential new teacher about the sort of boys there are in her/his class when you visit! And find out whether they have strategies in place to minimise the chances of a new child being left on their own.

My geeky DS was shunned by most of his classmates at his second primary school. One thing that kept him going was having a good friend out of school with whom he could talk computer games.

I wonder whether you have come across the free coding club network called CoderDojo for children aged 7+? There are clubs all over the UK. I know your DS is not quite 7 yet but it might be worth considering in the near future.

coderdojo.com/

It could be a way for your DS to make one or two contacts outside of school with fellow computer lovers - and show him that he can be liked and accepted in an environment that is right for him.