Can omeone please advise on how to broach this social issue with ds's teacher

[lecce]

I have become slowly but surely aware that ds has few, if any friends at school. It has come to a head recently as he wants a party but on the last conversation about it could only name two children to invite, and one of those is more a friend of the other than his.

He doesn't eat his break time snack as he has no one to eat it with and spends break and lunchtime playing football with older boys who, he says, he doesn't really speak to. Luckily he plays well and is super keen, but I can't help feeling it's a bit of a defence mechanism too. There is a boy whose table he has been on since Y1 when ds joined the school who has made a few nasty comments (not frequent) and he has excluded ds from a band that this boy has formed, telling him he would 'mess it up'. Another member of this band is a boy who ds was close to for a while, but now is not while the other boy is - ds seems often to be in this 'third wheel' position.

Ds says he's not unhappy, but I have an instinct he is downplaying how he feels, but I may be wrong. I don't know what I can ask of the teacher. I know they can't force friendships, but I feel this band is being used in a way that excludes ds in a mean way and it seems they are allowed to play in front of the class at times - but I'm not sure in what way. I feel this boy is somewhat domineering (have hosted him at last year's party) but I obviously don't want to sound like I have it in for him. Ds has told me about other worrying comments he has made to others, but I suppose these are none of my business.

I plan to ask the teacher for advice on children we could invite to playdates, and whether she has concerns about ds, as I have wondered at times whether he may have ASD traits. I have raised these issues at his previous school and at parents' evenings here and am always told 'he's fine', but I really feel he isn't. He is lovely - always described as 'so nice' by teachers, can be overly silly when excited and I think I have seen him irritate other children, but no behavioural issues at all.

I would love some advice on how to get more from this meeting (booked for this week) without sounding unhinged. Ds insists he is happy at school and he's not been hit or called names - the comments he has had (apart from one about smelling) could be seen as childish tactlessness. Maybe I would be best not mentioning the other child at all? Just not sure how to approach this...

[MillyMollyMama]

What year is your DS in? I was worried my DD was being excluded from playground games in year 3. She said everyone else got to choose the games and no-one wanted to play the games she suggested. A few children were very used to having their own way. The teacher personally monitored my DD at playtime and at lunchtime. It was not as bad as I feared, however it was not until year 6 that her friendships became more defined. We also had a lot of parents who saw each other socially and controlled who their children played with. Is this happening to you? Do you know other Mums?

I would ask the teacher if she has noticed he is on his own a lot. Whether she is aware of him forming friendships, or not, and who he associates with at lunchtime and if they have play supervisors he can go to if he feels lonely. I think boys can say silly things, so I would not be inclined to mention boyish preoccupations with smells.

Parties were a real issue for us. My DD was hardly invited to any. Not even when the children had been to her party. Has your DS been to parties? If he has, invite those children who invited him but maybe go to the cinema or a football match. Go out somewhere special that you would not do with a larger group. As an aside, we took DD and a few friends to a very up market restaurant that just happens to have an owner that welcomes children. It was an amazing day. Sometimes children want to be friends with the perceived "cool" children. Is this what wanting to be with the band members is all about? I became aware that my DD wasn't going to be friends with the "cool" children. She was only invited into that particular "clique" in year 6, after she had secured a place at boarding school to get away from them.

[lecce]

Thank you - glad to hear it worked out for your dd in the end.

Ds is in Year 3, sorry, forgot to mention that. Yes, I know that some of the mums whose children are involved are friends and there are a lot (according to ds, maybe not that many) of playdates between the two 'band boys'. I had a thread on parties last week - everyone seems happy to attend ds's but very few invites (1 this academic year) back. I work f/t and dh is sahd and we joined the school in Y1, so none of that has helped.

I will certainly ask what they do at lunchtimes .

[Heels99]

Hi just to say that my dds are now in year two and there has been a massive tail,off in parties this year with most children doing a smaller activity with a couple or a few friends rather than half or all the class. One of my dds has only np been to one party this whole academic year whereas last year she was at them every weekend, however many children are not now having parties they are going to a theme park or something instead. Of the 5 girls my dd had at her party, 3 have not had their birthday yet, 1 never has a party and 1 went to a theme park with Family. I wouldn't worry about parties I wpuld focus on play dates. If your son has two friends on his party invite list maybe take the three of them to cinema or bowling for the party but have the boys to play another time but separately so that your son is not the one left out.
Good luck

[sugarhoops]

Just as a suggestion to the teacher during your chat.... my DS is yr3 and is part of the 'playground squad' - a group of children that have been nominated to help other kids find friends to play with in the playground, and / or provide ideas for games to play.

He is part of the squad a few days a week (not all) and he has a booklet with game ideas. There is a central meeting point for all kids to go to if they can't find a friend to play with / are bored at playtime and want ideas as to what to do. I thought it was a really lovely idea, introduced by the teachers this year

Also, are there any lunchtime clubs your DS could join? Our school does all sorts of sport, choir, tech etc clubs during the lunchbreak - ready made entertainment, that I didnt even realise existed because its the child's responsibility to sign up as during school time. Once I got speaking to another parent, my DS quickly signed up to tag rugby, football and hockey club. Plus at our school, kids can request 'library' passes if they want to spend the lunchbreak in the library (although i'm sure my DS just does this with friends to muck about in the library and avoid getting cold outside).

Hope the chat goes ok with his teacher - I would honestly try not to mention too much the 'other' (not so nice) boy in the band.... the problems lies not with the other boy being nasty, but with your DS learning how to deal with the situation of the nasty boy (sorry if that doesnt make much sense!). i.e. you have more chance of changing your DS's response to nasty boy, as opposed to the behaviour of nasty boy, IYSWIM?
Good luck, hope all gets sorted.

[WipsGlitter]

I'd be blunt and ask who are his friends. There was an incident with DS at school recently and when I was talking to the teacher about it I said "but X is one of his friends" and she looked a bit askance at me and then at our formal teacher meeting made a point of saying "he's great friends with Y and he likes DS back".

I digress. DS can also be a bit silly and excitiable and when the other mother of the child in the ^ incident was told what happened she said "Oh, DS annoys Y". I really don't know how to make him less annoying, he just loves seeing his friends and playing with them and gets all over excited. I've seen other kids sort of shun him but he can't see it. His dad would have aspergers traits (can't see when he is boring the pants of people) and I wonder if it is something similar.

[Verbena37]

If he is now in year three and has been sitting with the same children since yr one, I'd ask the teacher, after explaining the situation, if she could mix up the tables a bit. That would possibly give more opportunities for his to mix more.

When he said only two children, perhaps that's because he doesn't really like the others enough to ask them.....it doesn't necessarily mean he never speaks to other kids.....perhaps they aren't as good friends as the other two.

Also, it's possible that he is just happy with having one or two really good friends rather than lots. That does add to the problems when one is off school ill though....dd has walked around the playground alone sometimes when that's happened as she has two best friends and 'just gets on' with the others.

If he has only said two, why not, rather than a proper kids party, take them swimming or to a movie and pizza etc?