Shouty teacher upsetting ds1 (Y3). WWYD?

[MerryMarigold]

To cut a long story short: Ds1 has some anxiety issues. He's quite negative about himself too. He also has some developmental delay (finds it difficult to maintain focus, but is not disruptive, prone to daydreaming, forgetful, disorganised etc.). Anyway, suffice to say his teacher is not hugely sympathetic, is not one for much praise or encouragement (although she does try, it's just not natural) and can be quite shouty. The other day he got sent to the deputy head's office during breaktime to re-do some work which he had done 'wrong'. (I don't think he understood, he actually did more than asked, but not exactly what was asked).

He has been having some problems with eating, probably due to the anxiety. I've been wondering whether to address it with the teacher as whenever she says anything about him to me, it is always negative even if she is trying to be a bit funny, like rolling eyes and "forgot his lunch box AGAIN." Tonight he said he doesn't want to go to school because his teacher shouts at him. (He never says he doesn't want to go to school). I am not sure how to bring this up. I am really non confrontational, but I feel I need to say something as it is really affecting him. I know she may be going through her own stuff too.

[columngollum]

Ask if he can have a different teacher/class. He's not going to change and neither is she. So, the longer you delay the request the more harm will be done.

[MerryMarigold]

That's a massive decision, collum. He moved in Y2 as the classes were all mixed up and it was very good for him. However, the kids in this class are nice and I would not want to move him back with some of the ones he moved away from (that was just Good Luck that he ended up with a nice class). It would mean moving from his best friend (the only one he's ever had). He is not that great with change either. I think this would rack up the anxiety even higher. Isn't there anything I can say to the teacher?

[NK2b1f2]

Don't think moving is the answer. Would you be able to speak to the teacher and make him the 'problem' eg ds is finding it hard to cope, can you help me address this and boost his confidence... So you wouldn't be accusing the teacher but try to charm her and get her on board? Failing that, can you speak to whoever is in charge of KS2 and express your concerns? Will he have the same teacher next year?

[mercibucket]

not related to the teacher, but have you seen a consultant to discuss his issues (just checking, as if you have a statement it might be easier to confront the teacher - she sounds like she is bullying him for his developmental delays)

[chaosmonkey]

I'd have a chat with the head or KS leader - have you asked other parents if they are having trouble too? When we had a shouty teacher that was upsetting the kids, a group of mums went to see the Head - she wasn't happy about it, but she did listen a lot more when there were 4 of us all saying the same thing.

[Shimmyshimmy]

I'd speak to the teacher - I've had to do it nearly every year as dd is incredibly sensitive. I have explained the way she is, haven't accused the teacher of being unreasonable just made her aware of the impact it is having on dd and that has always been enough.

[MerryMarigold]

Thanks all. NK2, that is a good approach. Shimmy, that's what I want to communicate. How do you 'make her aware of the impact'? I don't think I can say, 'ds1 says he doesn't want to come to school because you shout at him.' mercibucket, we have seen a paed. She was the one that said general developmental delay but no one area bad enough for a statement or further treatment.

[Shimmyshimmy]

I have described how scared and upset dd feels, how sensitive she is and even how depressed she said she felt after a particularly hard week, I have acknowledged that dd's response is unusual, I have asked for suggestions to help her deal with her emotions differently since she was in Reception, no one has been able to help and I have tried a lot of useless strategies.

You need to start with the teacher, try to get her on side so both of you are working for the benefit of your ds. I always think the teacher is going to accuse me of being too soft on dd but they never do and they have never justified their shouting, they have always been quite upset that they were making her so miserable.

Anyway if things doesn't work out after chatting to the teacher, you'll be justified in escalating it. But escalating it first will just piss her off.

[MerryMarigold]

Thanks shimmy. Have you said, "Your shouting upsets her."

[Shimmyshimmy]

I always use feels upset - no one can dispute how someone else feels - teacher might not feel she shouted but dd still felt scared, anxious and tearful. If the teacher doesn't know the impact they are having on dcs how can they modify their approach? Try to focus on your dcs emotions and reaction and less on the teacher's shouting. Focus on the outcome what do you want? A happier, more confident dc whatever it is - try and achieve that, try and get the teacher to help you achieve that.

[MerryMarigold]

Thanks, very helpful.

[Shimmyshimmy]

And on a positive note Merry not a month after I had a chat with the teacher, dd declared her to be the best teacher ever! her absolute favourite and I fed that back to the teacher too, she really has made a very positive impact on dd.

[MerryMarigold]

Brilliant!

[MerryMarigold]

Do you want to come and have my chat?

[Sparklysilversequins]

I would send an email detailing my concerns to the HT and ask for a meeting to discuss, I would tell the CT that I was doing so to give her a heads up. I've had two dc in primary I school for six years now and it's the only things that's ever worked rapidly when there's problems.

[MerryMarigold]

Well, I wrote a letter to CT yesterday as it is hard to talk with ds around. She responded immediately and I am going to meet her now! I think she's a good guy, just not aware of the impact the shouting can have on a very sensitive child. Thanks for the help...

[Shimmyshimmy]

Good luck merry let us know how you get on.

[MerryMarigold]

She's doing lots of stuff...there's someone (a TA) whose going to chat to him every so often and see how he's going. She's going to do more circle times where they talk about playground issues. She didn't say she would stop shouting! But she seemed to get about his self esteem not being good, and his confidence, so I think she got it...she's not silly.

[MerryMarigold]

I was probably a bit soft though. I said when he gets told off he gets upset, even at home. She said, she was glad it happens at home too!

[RosemaryandThyme]

Instead of trying to get the teacher to change could you look at making your child more resilient.
Children spend lots of time both in school and out in groups and will frequently be called to, disciplined, spoken firmly to and yes shouted at by adults.
Rarely will an adult working with children be doing anything other than keeping children safe, educating them or maintaining group discipline.

[Partridge]

I really feel for you. My ds (y3) sounds very similar. He is bright and his reading, spelling and vocabulary are well above average according to his ct. However he had motor delays, attention problems and was very very anxious.

The anxiety made me push for a diagnosis, which he now has (dcd and some ADHD - inattentive type). He has now accessed the support he needs, uses an alpha smart in class and his anxiety has improved so much that he unrecognisable.

His ct is lovely and supportive however and has written him visual timetables and made allowances for forgotten homework etc. this took some negotiation as she has a 3 strikes and you are out policy, but my ds organisational problems were getting him in trouble pre-diagnosis which would make him extremely unhappy and anxious.

I went to see her and we came up with some strategies together. But it did help having a diagnosis and the pead/ot reports to legitimise things. May be worth possibly going back to the doctor to pursue a diagnosis in light of the developmental delay?

[Shimmyshimmy]

Rosemary - how do you suggest that you make a child more resilient? Would be vey grateful for some good advice!

[NK2b1f2]

Sounds like a positive meeting (in the sense that she didn't think she was under attack). This might be all that's needed . I had to do similar before Christmas and at the parents evening last week the teacher was a pussy cat and practically purring . I made it all about dd and how we could help her gain more confidence rather than tell the teacher that her approach was terrible. Dd is really happy now and has made lots of progress this term.

[Shimmyshimmy]

merry that's good news - not surprised the ct didn't suggest she wouldn't shout because she would even want to admit to doing it in the first place, but I would expect her to attempt to keep her tone in check a bit more following your chat.

[NK2b1f2]

Rosemary, I disagree. We are talking about quite young children here. Nothing I would do would make dd more resilient because it's a question of maturity. She young in her school year as well as being quite immature. She needs a teacher who makes allowances for her history of glue ear etc, not someone who tells her constantly she's not good enough and should man up.