Does your child get physically hurt at school? How often?

[MimsyBorogoves]

I don't know what is 'normal'. I know some children start Reception without having learned not to bite/pinch/kick etc, but my DD is in Year 2 and still gets physically hurt, pretty much daily, by a couple of nasty classmates.

She is changing school in September, and she can't wait. I am writing a letter to her current school today to give notice, and am wondering if I'm doing the right thing in telling them about the physical hurt that the other children inflict on her. It has really knocked her confidence.

At least three times a week, usually daily, she comes home telling me she's been kicked, hit, or pinched. The latest thing is that twice in the last 10 days, she's had her head forced to the ground, then a kid sits on her head and farts on it on purpose. They're 7. I get that farting is hilarious when you're 7 but I think pushing a kid's head down to let one rip on it is really disgusting.

Does this happen at your kids' schools? Is this normal? I don't expect kids to be perfectly disciplined and studious little charmers in pressed suits, but is this normal? Her school is rubbish at discipline: the punishment for the kid who hit her last week was that they would only be allowed one biscuit at break tomorrow.

If there is one silver lining, it's that she's learned that some people are arseholes; she's learned not to take it personally; and she's learned to stand her ground and shout at them so loudly when they hurt her that they run off crying. She is far tougher than I was, and has shaken off the victim mentality she slipped into a year ago. Still, I hate sending her to school every day knowing someone's going to physically hurt her. I'm feeling really angry.

Am I being a hankie-clutching over-flouncy mother to tell the school? I don't know what is normal. I have no idea.

[QuiteQuietly]

I don't think that kind of behaviour is acceptable and I would not be happy about it happening. I would definitely tell the school and also keep a log of events, pictures of injuries etc. Good on your DD for standing up for herself, but she really shouldn't have to. Is the unpleasantness general, or targeted at her in particular?

[redskyatnight]

None of that is normal or acceptable. It is bullying. Please tell the school straight away and insist they sort it out.

My DC are 10 and 8 and there's only been 1 occasion of a child ever deliberately hurting them (and even then it was DD in Reception being hurt by a Y2 boy who I think was unaware of his size relative to hers, rather than being malicious).

[columngollum]

If my child was deliberately hurt in school I'd sort it out.

[Frikadellen]

DD3 is in year 5 she has been physically hurt 4 times in ALL of her school time (and 3 of those were outright accidents)
ds Y7 now has more but he is heavy into sports I do not recall any of those incidents that were not accidents
DD2 & 1 I remember once (both bad accidents) but they are Y 9 &11 so I may just have a short memory there.

I would ask the school to look into it closer. IMO that is not normal.

[thegreylady]

That is not normal at all and I would definitely tell the school. My dgs is 7 and in YR2 and although there is some rough and tumble among the group of boys there have only been a couple of occasions when the same boy has hurt him in some way. The school took it very seriously both times.

[sheeplikessleep]

Not normal at all. I would also move ds1 (year 1) if he was hurt regularly and frequently.

One offs happen. Regularly shouldn't happen.

Ds1 has been at school a year and a half and hasn't been hurt once.

[Sparklysilversequins]

My dd has been hurt twice in three years, by the same child and the second time I went in and politely but robustly "requested" an end be put to it. He's never been near her again as far as I am aware. What you describe would have me putting formal complaints in writing.

[Jinty64]

Ds3 (7) has been bitten once, and hit by a bigger child twice. It has been taken seriously on each occasion. He has has a few falls and bumps with minor injuries but all accidental and all dealt with in the appropriate manor. I would go in and speak to them if I were you. If it doesn't stop then take her out of school until September.

[Clutterbugsmum]

Ds most day (not including self inflicted accidents), unfortunately he has a 'friend' who is very hands on. The school are very aware about whats happening and are dealing with it.

DD's only through their own actions.

[MimsyBorogoves]

Thank you all. I'm sorry not to reply straight away: I was doing the school run, and replaying what I'd written here in my mind, realising how unacceptable it really is. I posted in AIBU too and the general consensus is the same.

She is starting at a different school in September, that's settled. She can't wait.

I wondered if it were normal(ish) because it's a mixed school and the boys (and tougher girls) enjoy rough play. At birthday parties, they end up in a big wrestling heap and they mostly love it. She's my eldest, so this is my first experience of putting a child through school.

We have been to the school about this, a year ago, when she was withdrawn at home: I asked her what she was worried about and all this stuff came tumbling out that I'd had no idea of. This was in Year 1. I realised that things I'd thought had stopped in Reception were still going on. It was awful.

So at that point, we kept her off school until we could talk to the staff. We gave her what we called bravery practice at home, taking it in turns to be the bully and to be her, demonstrating how to stand up and shout, encouraging her to shout (she loved it), showing her how to turn the feeling outwards rather than inwards. All that stuff. She had a HUGE turnaround in confidence and became a whole new girl. Shouting is her super-power now, and she uses it as a force for good against bad.

All the trouble stopped for a long while, so it's not like this has been two and a half years of continuous crap, but it's getting bad again. I am going to tell the head of school everything to make sure this never happens to anyone else.

Thank you all so much for your replies. It is out of order and I've always known it. The last couple of years have been heartbreaking. I can't wait for her to be at a school where she can get on and learn and not put up with this.

Thank you all, very much.

[KristinaM]

It's not normal. I have lots of kids and each of them have been hurt deliberately once or twice during their entire time at primary school . Although the school they attend had a very low tolerance of bullying.

I'm glad to hear you are moving your DD, I hope she is happy at her new school

[KristinaM]

Though I'm not sure why you are not moving her at Easter?

[MimsyBorogoves]

I didn't know it was an option Kristina: I'll see if it's not too late. I'm tempted just to let her have an extra-long summer!

[KristinaM]

I don't know what the rules are where you stay. But if you moved house to the other end of the country you would have to move her mid term ,

[MimsyBorogoves]

That's true and a very good point. Thank you. I'll talk to the schools.

[KristinaM]

I feel very sad reading this, think ing of your poor child being scared to go to school each day. It's not right is it?

[MimsyBorogoves]

It's not right. She isn't scared to go any more. She was, last year, very much, so we kept her off until we'd spoken to the staff and she felt ready to put her bravery practice into action (with great results). I could write a book about the turnaround she went through. But this time last year was heartbreaking. We'd spend all evening with her being encouraging and supportive, and once she was in bed I'd sit at the kitchen table and cry.

Once the nasty kids had got the message that she was standing up to them and had shaken off the victim mentality, added to the teachers getting tougher with them, she began to really love school, and all was well for a while. I felt it was good for her to have stood up to and shouted down this nastiness before walking away from it. She's learned, for life, that bullies can be stood up to, and that she has the strength to counter anyone who messes with her.

Things have got worse recently, with her coming home daily with reports of kicking or pinching etc, but she isn't scared to go to school, just a bit worn out from standing her ground. She comes home proud of how loudly she's shouted at x or y today. It's not ideal, but she is no longer a victim who curls up and cries.

She is popular, and has some friends in her class she really, really loves - she is loyal to a fault, and really takes her good friends to her heart - if it weren't for them I'd have moved her a long time ago. I suggested it, repeatedly, but she didn't want to go because she'd have missed them. I've assured her we'll keep in touch with the nice ones once she's left.

[KristinaM]

[Martorana]

Ring the other school and see if there's a space after Easter. Then withdraw her from the school she's at and her an extra long Easter holiday.

[pancakesfortea]

Not normal at all. Neither of my children have ever been deliberately hurt by another child at school. Any violence at our primary school and the perpetrator's parents are summoned straight in. It's not "just one of those things".

[EmmaGellerGreen]

Absolutely neither normal nor acceptable. I would be contacting the head regularly and if nothing was done, the governing board. If it is unacceptable for adults to assault each other, why are children allowed to do so.

[Pantone363]

DD once by a child with SEN who wasn't being supervised.

DS in the last 4 weeks has been bitten, kicked, punched and thrown to the ground along with other girls and boys in the same class and younger. Head prides herself on not excluding a child for x amount of years. Child is given lunchtime detention for each infraction.

[ThatBloodyWoman]

I don't recall my dd's ever being physically hurt deliberately at school.

I'm glad to hear she's changing schools.

Poor little mite

[ThatBloodyWoman]

I agree with others that you should move schools asap.