Should I confront this parent?

(27 Posts)
poiuy Mon 17-Mar-14 22:08:52

Son has sent out birthday invites. Turns out that parent of son's best friend doesn't like us and has told other parents that she doesn't like us and no response to invite. We are a perfectly normal family and son is pretty well behaved at school. Always thought she was offish - would always reject eye contact at gate or a friendly hello, but no idea what has caused this dislike and hurt by this. I know I shouldn't be but I also feel sorry for the kids. Should I just ignore? There are 5 coming out of the 6 invited but the vital best mate is missing. Any suggestions gratefully received!

OldBagWantsNewBag Mon 17-Mar-14 22:19:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Forgettable Mon 17-Mar-14 22:20:03

Yes ignore

Silly moo. Her not you, natch!

nickelbabe Mon 17-Mar-14 22:25:16

i'd pretend I hadn't noticed the ignorant bitch and nicely nicely say to her that you haven't had her reply to the onvtation.
gush a bit about how much her son is liked by your son and how he wouldn't know how to have his party without him.
make out that you're sure she's not replied because it goes without saying that he'll be there, but ds needs to know that she's given a reply.

Delphiniumsblue Mon 17-Mar-14 22:27:24

I would just ignore.

Theoldhag Mon 17-Mar-14 22:28:32

5 out of 6 is good turn out, it is a shame that your ds best mate is not able to attend, but really nothing you can do about that sad.

I would not try to connect on any level with the mum, really she means nothing to you. I can empathise that it feels horrid, but I just wouldn't bother with her. Life is too short for putting up with pathetic ignorant arses.

If your ds says anything just tell him the truth, obviously at an age appropriate and respectfully as poss, the world is full of all sorts of oddballs, tiz life.

pinkdelight Tue 18-Mar-14 09:40:35

How did you hear about this? Sounds like someone has been stirring. If someone has actually said: "She's told everyone that she doesn't like you", then I'd be concerned about the veracity of that and about their motives for saying so. It's a horrible thing to pass on and may not be 100% accurate. Okay so she's not made eye contact etc. Maybe she's not a friendly person. Maybe she does have some weird problem with you. But before you read too much into it, I'd keep focused on the boys being BFs and keep it strictly about that. Chase her up in a normal way just asking if her son can come to your party as everyone else is coming. Whatever her problem is, she's unlikely to want her DS leaving out. And if she does and the gossiping person is right, who cares what she thinks?

PastSellByDate Tue 18-Mar-14 13:51:30

poiuy:

Three things:

1) I have sent many an invite and never had a response - it's an 'English' thing. But most turn up on the day.

2) The kid may have forgotten to give it to the mother (especially if quite young)

3) They don't approve of you (for whatever reason).

My advice is play innocent - toddle up to the mother and present her with an invitation saying I know my DS handed these out but we haven't heard from you and he is very keen for your DS to attend his party.

If the parent doesn't want to or can't come, they'll say so.

HTH

rabbitstew Tue 18-Mar-14 14:13:50

PastSellByDate - it is not an English thing not to reply to an invitiation. It's just bl**dy rude.

BrianTheMole Tue 18-Mar-14 14:17:49

I don't agree that its an english thing at all. Everyone has responded one way or another to my dc's party. No one who was invited turned up on the day without responding beforehand. Admittedly some siblings turned up who weren't invited, but thats another thread.

BrianTheMole Tue 18-Mar-14 14:18:38

I'd send her a txt op, checking if she got the invite as you need to know the numbers by a certain date.

Who is telling you that she said she doesn't like you? And why would anyone do that?

I don't think you should change your behaviour based on what someone has passed on, there might be all kinds of reasons why this woman isn't friendly. And why someone else has decided to stir.

What would you normally do if you don't get a reply? If you see her before/after school then it is easy enough to approach with a smile and ask if he'll be able to make it or not. Then it's up to her to be polite and make an excuse, which you can pass on to your son. Or else to accept, in which case problem solved.

rabbitstew Tue 18-Mar-14 14:37:06

I would ignore the whole thing about whether or not she likes you. It's irrelevant whether you like someone or not when it comes to replying to things which quite clearly require a reply...

To ensure you get an answer one way or the other, I would go up to her at school and explain, politely, that your son handed out his party invitations a while ago, now, and she is the only person not to have replied, yet, so you were wondering whether maybe she hadn't received the invitation, and if she had, whether you could have an answer to help you with the planning... You never know, you might even find out that she's been going around saying she doesn't like you because she thinks you didn't invite her ds to the party... people who don't talk to each other, but only about each other, often find their life is mired in misunderstandings and imagined offences.

DeWe Tue 18-Mar-14 14:44:00

I've only once had a non-reply in 3 dc's worth of parties. Must because I have all "non-English" friends. hmm

OP: I would play it exactly the way I'd play any other non-responder. Catch her and ask, did you get the invitation, could you let me know asap because I need to know numbers by X date. It's not a confronting issue, it's a polite reminder issue.

mum56789 Tue 18-Mar-14 15:21:43

Ask her if her ds can make it. If he can't don't worry. Your ds will enjoy the party anyway. Mine have had parties with good friends missing and haven't batted an eyelid on the day with all the excitement.

Could be inaccurate information being passed to you. Or she could be very immature. Either way, I'd just be polite and carry on.

As time goes on you can't be dictating who your dc are friends with. Some of my dc's friends' parents I like, others I don't. But it makes no difference really. It gets to a point where they're at school all day,with their mates, in their own little world. I don't see how you can persuade them that it's ok to have x round but not y or they can go to one party but not another. She's playing a losing game there which will ultimately only upset her own ds.

DrankSangriaInThePark Tue 18-Mar-14 15:26:18

Absolutely not an English, or any other nationality thing. It's a rude thing.

That said, as others have asked, how did you come by this info that she doesn't like you? Because outside of the playground among the kids themselves, I find it hard to imagine how that would crop up in an adult conversation.....

A "Mummy A hasn't replied to birthday invite, does anyone know why?"
B "Yeah, she doesn't like you"

Sounds very odd to me.

poiuy Tue 18-Mar-14 16:25:14

Thanks for so many useful ways to respond. I didn't want to be too long winded but my son asked another friend who is coming about the situation and he said he had been at best friend's house on Saturday and the two mums were overheard talking. I know this mum is def not shy but now I know how to begin the conversation with her, so thanks. It's funny how little things can eat away at me like this, so for me I've decided I will just ask or text, rather than ignore. Have asked best friend and he said he had asked his mum, but she hadn't given a reply to him. But now I know how to approach - thanks all!

It may just be child chatter.
Ask her if he's coming at the school gates.

Bloodyteenagers Tue 18-Mar-14 16:32:22

The mate could be shit stirring. I would take what was said with a pinch of salt. Also even if it was said it might be about another family/invite.

JodieGarberJacob Tue 18-Mar-14 16:39:45

Hmm... third hand information from a child who overheard a conversation. Don't make any harsh decisions based on this!
If your ds and this other boy are best friends, what happens when they see each other out of school? How is the contact with the mum then? Also, what has happened with them in the past regarding party invites? Obviously you need to follow up the invite, I'd definitely do it face to face because she might not answer a text.

Oh, anything that another child overheard is definitely not something to feel hurt or upset about - they pick up parts of a conversation and 'filter' them through their own understanding, and the words they come out with may have little to do with what they actually heard.

pinkdelight Tue 18-Mar-14 17:09:08

Oh my, I wouldn't give any credence to that playground nonsense! The kid could easily have got it wrong or exaggerated intentionally or otherwise. Try to forget it and enjoy the party.

LIZS Tue 18-Mar-14 17:14:34

How old are these children ? I doubt you can rely on his mate's hearsay alonehmm speak to the mum to check they got the invitation.

Swoosg Tue 18-Mar-14 17:25:57

Don't believe what your son says another child says about what some mum says... Just behave normally - ask the mum if she has had the invite, and is her son coming. Just ignore all the rest.

CointreauVersial Tue 18-Mar-14 17:31:19

Your son has invited HIS best mate to HIS party.

You don't have to like, or get along with, his mother. Maybe she doesn't like you, or maybe she does, and it's all idle gossip; either way, it has nothing to do with your son's friendship. I certainly am not great pals with all my DCs' mates' parents - some I like, some I don't care for particularly.

Just go up to her and ask if her son got the invitation, and if he's able to make it. Don't give it any, more thought than that.

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