Do you lie to parents about DCs progress?

(99 Posts)
TheNightIsDark Mon 13-Jan-14 22:52:42

Bit of an odd one. DS is 4.9. Homework on Friday- 2 reading books, key words, tally chart of 3D objects and putting 3 sentences in correct order.

Lots of the parents are complaining that their DCs found it too difficult and couldn't do it. I've found myself nodding along and saying DS did too. He actually walked through it I just had to show him a tally chart was lines for each one not writing 1,2,3 etc.

I feel a bit like I'm betraying him. He's in no way gifted, he just picks things up easily but admitting that at the gates would sound boastful. It probably does here tbh blush

Do I keep pretending he's not getting it if the others aren't? Or just stay quiet?

littleredsquirrel Mon 13-Jan-14 22:54:08

You make a comment like "we never even had homework in my day!" don't comment on your child at all and move on. Best way to avoid the awkward conversations.

TheNightIsDark Mon 13-Jan-14 23:00:29

Ah I'll try that smile

I made a flippant comment about how they'll have them on algebra and pie charts next. I've not gone through this school drama before so I'm never sure how to respond.

ReallyTired Mon 13-Jan-14 23:07:54

I don't discuss my children's progress with other parents unless they ask. 95% of the time most people are not interested in other people's children.

Our school has no homework in reception. Prehaps fellows mummies at my daughter's school aren't competitive.

TheNightIsDark Tue 14-Jan-14 07:04:56

Ours has a Facebook group that debates how hard they're all finding it hmm

Shamoy Tue 14-Jan-14 07:31:31

Yeah sympathetic comments that give away nothing is the way to go!
'Little x found it so hard, did yours?'
'There was a lot do wasn't there'
'We had a really busy weekend, hard to fit everything in !'
'It feels like being back at school myself!'

Cat98 Tue 14-Jan-14 08:27:00

Like a previous poster said - I only tell other mums from school anything about ds's academic progress if they ask.
They don't normally ask!
The exception is one mum who I'm friendly with- my ds and her ds are both down as g and t for numeracy and doing extension work together, which the teacher told us both about at parebts evening, so we discuss this sometimes. I have no idea how her son is doing with reading and other areas though, and she doesn't know about ds.

simpson Tue 14-Jan-14 08:35:24

DD now in yr1 also found her reception homework easy and had extension work which involved spelling tests etc.

I never told other parents but unfortunately DD came out of school one day clutching her new spelling list which another (super competitive) mum saw and queried. She then went into the school and demanded the same for her DC. After that, I say a big fat zero and make sure DD's stuff is in her bag ASAP.

columngollum Tue 14-Jan-14 09:40:11

I've only ever once had a (non-) conversation with one parent who asked me how I helped my daughter learn to read. (The parent is not English) I think the person asked rhetorically because they didn't wait for a reply before going onto the next topic. I suspect somewhere along the line they did have a general interest in the subject of helping their daughter's reading. But we've never pursued the topic since. We discuss education in general a lot, but without any reference to our children specifically.

I've never spoken to anyone else (in real life) about my daughter's education. I've once had someone tell me about my home education techniques, but not wait for my reply either.

Galena Tue 14-Jan-14 10:02:07

None of the parents have asked yet, thank goodness. DD is bright. Very bright (and yes, I know the others will probably catch up and DD will probably plateau, but at the moments she's way ahead).

I tend to smile and nod when people complain how hard things are. I would probably just say 'Oh, DD did ok' if asked specifically.

DeWe Tue 14-Jan-14 10:09:46

I only talk about academic issues with my child if either I know their are on the same issues as mine or they specifically ask. Although if they specifically ask then I will generally play down unless I know they are similar to my dc.

Generally if they specifically ask too, it's usually because they have placed my dc close to theirs and want to see if we had the same issues.

I go for the generic response. Usually along the lines of I don't like homework for primary aged children. Which I don't.

This has occasionally translated into a parent thinking their dc is much better (always better!) than my dc and getting indigant if mine then do as well or better. But I'd rather that way round than the other.

For your dc then the response along the lines of "he's really keen on doing homework at present. Wonder how long it'll continue..." would be quite good (I've used that one). Because if they unpick it, then they can see that he's not struggling with it, but it doesn't out and out say that.
But also do realise that saying that they're finding the homework difficult may not be more than they don't want to do work at home. It doesn't necessarily mean that they are not as good as your dc ability wise.

ShoeWhore Tue 14-Jan-14 10:11:20

There is a mum I know at school who is always telling me how hard it is when your child is so bright like hers. Apparently other parents are really jealous and awkward about it and he is a nightmare to parent as you know, he's just SO bright. I just nod sympathetically and say as little as possible. ds is at least as bright as him if not more so but I wouldn't dream of going on about it

Thankfully, there's not a lot of discussion about levels etc at our school because it's not something I want to get into. But I wouldn't lie about it either.

TheNightIsDark Tue 14-Jan-14 10:29:47

That makes sense DeWe. I've steered clear of the maths issue as they're doing number bonds to 5 and DS has been doing that a while (no idea how he figured it out confused), and reading he's still on the first level despite what he's doing at home so I can use that to balance it out!

He's a bit of a handful so they wouldn't believe me even if I said what he could do grin

Danann Tue 14-Jan-14 13:30:44

I just say 'DD did alright, there was a lot though wasn't there?' or 'Ah DS is one of those weird kids who likes homework'. DS is in year 5 and G&T, DD is in reception and quite bright so I try to avoid the conversations if I can, especially with DS as he usually has different homework to most of the class.

TheNightIsDark Tue 14-Jan-14 13:45:33

That's a good idea. And not a lie. DS is the strange child who at 3 having seen DSD doing homework used to ask for his own workbooks!

I'll just stay out of the conversations, let DS carry on doing what he's doing and see how he goes. I'm guessing he's not G&T because the school haven't said anything so there must be other children finding it easier than some.

Danann Tue 14-Jan-14 13:52:04

He is quite young for them to label yet. I don't know if its the same at all schools but DS's and DD's (different schools) don't mention G&T until year 1.

TheBakeryQueen Tue 14-Jan-14 14:32:07

Nobody asks but I wouldn't lie. It would also depend on who I was talking to. So if I knew their child was struggling I wouldn't harp on about how well mine was doing. I'd steer the subject in a different direction.

If it was someone whose kid was about the same then I'd discuss it.

hoboken Tue 14-Jan-14 15:00:08

Some parents are so competitive. I remember the mothers of 6 year olds turning out school bags in the car park so they could compare spelling lists.

I wouldn't lie but would go for non-commital remarks about there being, 'lots to take in' or, 'how different it all is from my day' when dinosaurs roamed

Euthah Tue 14-Jan-14 15:20:19

That's quite some homework for the start of second term in reception. Either your child is in an exceptional cohort, or the homework isn't being differentiated properly.

I do sometimes underplay DD a bit - I think so that other parents don't think I'm boasting or pushy or any of those things - but it does sometimes feel like a bit of a betrayal, so I don't like doing it. I don't lie outright though, so if someone asks for an actual fact (like what reading band she is on) I suppose I would tell them. Fortunately everyone seems to be much more concerned about their own DC rather than mine, which I find odd, but each to their own smile

Gladvent Tue 14-Jan-14 15:25:03

I have a friend who is worried about her child's progress. One of my children is in the same year, but different school fortunately - she asks a LOT of questions and it can be tricky. Because if I answer her, she then doesn't really like the answers as they seem to confirm her fears. I have become a master at changing the subject...

My other DC is the one clutching the enormous junk model in the playground each week. I think other parents may be jealous that we clearly never fill our recycling bin as DD takes it all to school. But I don't think they are competitive!

TheNightIsDark Tue 14-Jan-14 19:31:09

Euthath how do you mean? Apparently some parents had complained that the school weren't giving the children enough homework shock so they gave all 40 children that to do.

DS used to come out with all sorts of crap junk modelling. He loves it but it was always a hassle trying to slyly put it in the recycling!

Euthah Tue 14-Jan-14 19:49:09

Dd is in reception and doesn't get any homework. They can choose their own books and change as they want, but I don't think their is an expectation that they'd get through two in a weekend as well as doing other stuff. Some of them don't have books with words yet either.

I don't understand why the school has changed it's policy in response to parents asking - surely they set (or don't set) homework according to their scheme of work and professional judgement - not because some parents -who can't be bothered engaging with their own kids in a way that is stimulating- asked for homework?

And to set the same homework for all 40 kids with no differentiation is odd too.

headinhands Tue 14-Jan-14 19:53:47

It's just the same social skills you'd use in all the other situations where you know it would be a little inappropriate such as if a friend explained they were struggling financially and you'd just bought a 2nd home.

TheNightIsDark Tue 14-Jan-14 19:54:31

What's bugging me more than the homework is the reading scheme. DS didn't start until late November at this school and has been on pink band since. He was given 10 new key words last Monday, knew them by the Tuesday and hasn't struggled with any of the books since he started at the school. The teacher hasn't commented on any issues yet he hasn't moved up.

I'm wondering if everyone gets the same homework, reading books etc but that seems a bit odd.

DoItTooJulia Tue 14-Jan-14 19:57:09

Dd's teacher, at parents evening, has a colour coordinated spreadsheet in from of her with all of the classes' NC levels on and their progress, so green for exceeding target etc.

Its on the desk in front of her and she uses a ruler to show you where your child is. All of the parents looked at everyone's levels! So everyone knows where everyone else child is.

My dd had exceeded all of her targets and got the highest level in all the categories. The morning after parents evening a couple of parents came up to me and said how well their sons and daughters had done, and that there was a cohort of clever ones.....hmm

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