DS been in school a week and I've got to go and "discuss his behaviour"

(60 Posts)
aarrgghhwhatdoIdonow Thu 19-Sep-13 21:46:10

My DS has been a school just over a week, only a few days FT and I've had a call tonight asking for a meeting with me.

Tuesday, he was "spoken to" by a senior teacher twice. Once for shoving someone and once for hitting. He told me the second time it was in retaliation to something being done to him that wasn't seen. We done the big talking to, unacceptable behaviour, go and tell an adult etc etc and he was very upset. He lost some privileges, and was told what the consequences would be should it happen again. He had a good day yesterday and came home with a good behaviour certificate. We made a big fuss and gave him back some confiscated items. However, on collection today he tells me he's been naughty, but without any consequences (no bad points). He told me he hurt someone but it was an accident and he said sorry. However, I literally walked through the door, and his teacher rings asking me to go in to "discuss his behaviour". (Going on Monday). We had quite a chat and she told me he shoved someone against a door deliberately and without reason. She suggested he omitted to tell me the full story (he got 4 bad points) as he knew his favourite teddy would be confiscated. When I questioned him, he still denied getting these points but that he was trying to get inside as he was getting wet. Sounds to me like he was being a bit heavy handed and not thinking of others before pushing past.

Again, we had a "I'm disappointed" talk before removal of teddy. He was beside himself and went to bed at 6.15pm - and straight to sleep.

He has been to preschool since a baby so is very used to other kids etc but not so used to the strict discipline that school provides as nursery was crap at discipline.

I'm just so torn. I need to nip this in the bud right now. I want my child to love school and have lots of friends, but its not going well at the moment. I know I need to stamp it out and be tough as he has to learn appropriate behaviour...but its not easy sad.surely the school understand this time is difficult for these kids just starting and that their behaviour may not necessarily be typical of how they will be in a few weeks. Who knows what I am in for when i meet with the teacher on Monday.

Sorry, a bit of a long ramble there. I just feel sad cos he is lovely really

campion Sat 21-Sep-13 23:48:49

My DS2 found out that if he leant heavily on smaller classmates they sometimes fell over blush He was one of the youngest in the class and I think he found it hard to fit in.

His lovely reception teacher had a word, told me not to worry too much, just wanted us in the loop.We had a chat with him along the lines of not a friendly
thing to do, he would be upset if it happened to him etc and not to do it.Getting cross would have been pointless.He stopped doing it and settled in.

They're babies at 4.Negative points?I doubt even the army would use that as a training technique.

tiredaftertwo Sun 22-Sep-13 00:07:09

Try not to worry OP, this sounds very impulsive. I've got much older dc, and I really would not double punish. It is up to the school, you back them of course, praise good behaviour but don't withdraw comfort or affection at home. He may need to be treated like a younger child for a while. I'd go easy on the stickering too - on Monday morning, the weekend is a loooong way away to a little boy finding reception difficult.

I can imagine how you feel, and of course one's instinct is to Do Something to sort the problem out. But I would try not to. He probably needs a bit of time, security, sleep and happy relaxed times at home. I'd get him to tell you briefly what has happened, discuss what he could have done to avoid getting into trouble, reassure him without condoning his behaviour, and change the subject. Be gentle and positive - he is much more likely to copy that in the heat of the moment than remember some sticker scheme. The message to get across - and it is not easy - is that he must not hurt other people and the school is right to stop that - but that you will always listen to, and try to see, his point of view.

aarrgghhwhatdoIdonow Sun 22-Sep-13 10:42:27

Just caught up with this....thanks for all your comments,videas and opinions. Given me lots to think about. He certainly gets lots of exercise as, like my dog.....and others DSs on here, he needs to run off energy every day otherwise he would be 10 times worse. DD by contrast has to be dragged away from her arts & crafts or books. So although many don't see differences between girls and boys, they do seem to be in this house.

We have had a very relaxing weekend with lots of cuddles and gentle chat about being kind to others and how rough play isn't always nice. Tiredness is playing a part as after 2 lazy days, he is a lovely little boy again.

We will see what this week brings .

SirChenjin Sun 22-Sep-13 10:45:49

Good luck tomorrow - keep us posted? Remember that the school is (or should be) just looking to flag this up to you sooner rather than later and put something in place to help him that makes everyone happy smile

aarrgghhwhatdoIdonow Mon 23-Sep-13 21:56:48

Hi, just to update, DS behaved today and his teacher and I had a very positive meeting after school. She will only feedback to me and not CM and we will have a book which she will let me know each day how he has been. I do feel if he knows I am being told about his behaviour, it will help. I told her that she must punish (big strong word but ykwim) any bad behaviour but I won't be doing so as well. I will however support and reinforce their rules. DS came in then and we spoke to him together and he was ok.

It sounds like he is beginning to settle and needs to learn to calm down a bit. She did say my DS is not the only one, and how nice it is to speak to a parent who is prepared to work with her. Thanks guys, I really appreciate your comments and suggestions and help me view this from a different point of view than my emotions. Fingers crossed the good behaviour continues.

aarrgghhwhatdoIdonow Mon 23-Sep-13 21:57:47

bit of a strong word * I meant

roisin Tue 24-Sep-13 08:29:31

That sounds like a brilliant and very positive meeting. Well done and fingers crossed for a good week for ds.

BlastOff Tue 24-Sep-13 10:41:14

Can I just come in as the mother of an also lovely little boy who loved his first week of school until a boy started pushing, kicking, and shoving him.

I felt relaxed that it was normal as you discussed to start with, but now my confident happy little boy doesn't want to go to school because of a child possibly like yours. It is heart breaking as the mother of the child of the receiving end of behaviour like your child, and so I totally understand why school feel they need to stamp on it straight away.

I think it sounds like you are doing a brilliant job of dealing with it, but I do think the school are right to deal with it straight away. Please remember there is a sad mum and boy for every child your child hits/pushes/ shoves; his behaviour has consequences.

SirChenjin Tue 24-Sep-13 12:21:54

That is great news OP - sounds as if the school (and you) are both dealing with this really well, and hopefully he'll settle down very soon smile

BirdyBedtime Tue 24-Sep-13 13:21:53

I am glad that your DS seems to be settling down OP and hope that the positive behaviour continues.

I was going to make the same point as BlastOff though - many of the responses mention the OP's DS being 'poor boy', 'typical boy' 'normal' and I have to say I find that unhelpful.

In the past week my DS (youngest in his class) has been hurt 3 times by the same boy in his class (oldest in the class) - once the boy pulled his jacket hood so hard that it hurt DSs throat, once pushed in class and yesterday I got a note home saying that DS had been hit on the forehead in the playground at lunchtime with a litter picking stick and DS told me that it was the same boy using the stick as a sword. I don't consider this 'typical' or 'normal' as the majority of children don't do things like this.

I know that the boy has lost golden time for it and just hope that his parents are as upset as the OP and try to deal with it as she has.

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