Year1 teacher yelled at daughter

(128 Posts)
saltpeanuts Thu 12-Sep-13 19:30:43

Dear mumsnetters, I really need your advice. confused

Today DD (5, year1) told me her teacher had yelled at her in front of the class. DD is usually a very quiet and sensitive child, so she felt confused and sad. She recognised she was being a bit noisy when the teacher yelled at her (her words), but not behaving intentionally badly. Still, do you think it's OK to yell at children, especially when they're that young? Should I speak with the her (the teacher) and try to find out what happened?

Just a note, I think it's ok to tell children off and speak things, but I don't agree with yelling/screaming at them. At the same time, I understand grown ups aren't perfect all the time and that working with children can be very stressful, but I don't want this to repeat.

What would you do in my place? Thanks for your advice

grants1000 Sat 14-Sep-13 20:23:07

And do not discuss it with other parents in the playground, it's private between you and school. If you start to gossip, and it is gossip, you will have your card marked as a gossip, do you want that?

You and this thread have totally overreacted. Its simple, just ask the teacher, then all will become clear. Teachers do talk in loud voices and our precious children do things wrong and need to be told about it. So you need to be prepared to suck it up, maybe not on this occasion but in the future. Teachers also get it wrong sometimes.

Talk to the teacher, deal with it, draw a line and move on. It's not the be all and end all.

FlorenceMattell Sat 14-Sep-13 19:24:10

Why would the teacher pick on OPs child. In my experience of teachers; having had a child at school for over twenty years, dozens of teachers. Teachers are professional and most like children. Yes they sometimes get it wrong ie tell the wrong child off for talking. But that's life, children need to learn these things happen.
The year 1 child is not very old, so not lying but her view of events may not be accurate. Obviously for her being told off was very upsetting and now she perceives the teacher doesn't like her. Yes OP you need to speak to the teacher to get a balanced view. But I would go along with a concern that your dd has not settled well etc not accusations.
Unless you have ran the teachers cat over or dented her car etc why would the teacher have a personal vendetta against your child. Sorry not buying that she is picking on her. If she was that unpleasant you would hear it from other parents too.

cory Sat 14-Sep-13 18:17:24

A child experiencing that the teacher yelled when she told them off doesn't make the child dishonest: it just shows that she is seeing this from her own pov, thinking of how she felt when she was told off rather than what it was like for the teacher or the other children. 5yos are not usually very good at seeing other people's viewpoints: it doesn't make them liars.

My friend's ds who complained to his mum that the other children were nasty to him and wouldn't play wasn't being dishonest: he just didn't twig that there was a connection between the manner in which he played (pushing them over) and their reaction.

Going in to talk to the teacher is fine provided the OP is prepared to do it in a non-accusatory manner and willing to listen to the teacher's pov.

The problem with a class room situation is that it has to meet the needs of 31 people. For the dd, clearly, a nurturing environment would be one where she doesn't get told off. For the child next to her a nurturing environment might be one where anyone making distracting noises is stopped from doing so.

My nephew spent 3 years in a class where the teacher was unable to stop a handful of noisy and distracting children. He hated it and learnt next to nothing. It wasn't a nurturing environment for him. But I don't suppose the other children realised they were ruining school for him.

daphnesglasses Sat 14-Sep-13 16:04:07

be prepared to be making a fool of yourself
hmm
nice
what, for saying what she thinks and putting forward a concern/ discussing something as the child's parent.

Some teachers have very weird attitudes, they're in a position of trust and loco parentis but they're educators predominantly, and should do that in as nurturing and kind an environment as possible. Yelling at people and humiliating them in public, particularly the young and defenceless, is something generally considered more abusive than kind. Just because it may go on all the time doesn't mean it's okay.

Elphinate Sat 14-Sep-13 15:30:06

Victim?

Really?

Teachers are there to control the learning environment of their class.

The OP's daughter admitted that she misbehaved. She didn't like being told off.

Standard behaviour.

OP, go and talk to the teacher by all means, but be prepared to be making a fool of yourself. This isn't Foundation Stage anymore, and that means that there are rules and times to be quiet which, obviously, your DD is having problems understanding.

kelda Sat 14-Sep-13 15:21:42

victim hmm?

ljny Sat 14-Sep-13 13:59:47

Why are so many posters so keen to blame the victim?

Schools do get it wrong. Not all teachers are perfect.

Op, your plan is sensible: 'Talking to the teacher and asking her if she thinks there's a problem and what we could do seems to be the only way to find out what's going on.'

For the life of me, I can't understand why some posters have a problem with that. Good luck on Monday.

daphnesglasses Sat 14-Sep-13 13:43:13

Well how bizarre no-one said the teacher was evil/deranged etc at all perhaps just slightly unprofessional but it seems some posters think its quite acceptable to say a child must automatically be lying confused

Some bosses in workplaces shout etc but it's generally seen as bullying if it's a sustained approach to dealing with things, same in schools or anywhere IMO. Children are human beings just as much as adults ffs. Some adults are a PITA and I'd like to shout at them but I don't. No difference.

I'd tend to accept what my dcs say as being true because I trust them and they're honest. Don't think that's especially unusual. Teacher probably having an off day/ moment, perfectly understandable. But I don't think it's automatically okay for teachers to shout (in a 'yelling'/aggressive rather than just voice raising way) and I stand by that

cory Sat 14-Sep-13 12:12:08

I imagine most teachers have at least one meeting a term with an irate parent who declares that "my child could never do anything like that"- and the teacher thinking to herself "so how do we account for the fact that I and 29 classmates actually saw him do it?"

Dd and her best friend had a conversation about old days recently, the silly things they got up to in primary school and especially the horrible things they said and did to each other.

Now the things best friend got up to I knew about at the time, because dd came home and was upset about them. But as for the things dd did to her, I can honestly say I would never have believed it of her. And it certainly wasn't the way she told the story in those days. Too late to be shocked and horrified now, especially since best friend has clearly survived without being traumatised- but it was certainly a revelation. shock

RiversideMum Sat 14-Sep-13 11:42:51

Good grief. So we know that your child was making a silly noise. Maybe the teacher had already asked for her to stop? Maybe the teacher had asked for all of the children to quieten down a bit? Who knows? I'd say that a teacher correcting her in a loud voice was a pretty normal state of affairs in a classroom.

exoticfruits Sat 14-Sep-13 11:40:28

I agree that children can behave entirely differently. Generally parents are amazed to find they have a polite and well behaved child and ask if we are speaking about the same one! It is much, much harder to tell a parent that their polite and well behaved child doesn't show that side at school.

cory Sat 14-Sep-13 11:20:39

"There hasn't been any change in her behaviour, so I don't understand why this new teacher seems to finds her so annoying."

How on earth can you know whether her behaviour has changed in a school setting? You don't see how she behaves in a class setting or whether her behaviour in class has changed.

Ime children are often so different away from home that you would hardly know it is the same child.

A friend of mine was very concerned that her sweet little boy found it difficult to find friends and went into the school to complain that the other children were avoiding him. The teacher gently explained that the other children were frightened of him because he played so roughly and had knocked them down several times. You could never have guessed from the way he behaved at home.

I knew my ds as a lively chatty little boy: at school they wondered if he was developmentally delayed since he hardly seemed able to speak.

Another friend used to speak very proudly of her eldest child as being so compliant and well behaved; she worried about his younger brother who seemed more defiant. The rest of us knew that it was the elder boy that you had to watch the moment he was away from his mother's watchful eye; he just changed into a totally different child. Quite sweet, but you couldn't take your eyes off him. The younger boy was less difficult because his behaviour was always the same, whether he was being watched or not.

saltpeanuts Sat 14-Sep-13 11:19:58

DD said she was playing with other children, but only she got yelled at and punished.

Please stop being so agressive!

JustBecauseICan Sat 14-Sep-13 10:49:24

How do you know the teacher isn't as hard on the other children?

Might that be because they are better behaved than yours?

Scrounger Sat 14-Sep-13 10:43:14

It really doesn't bother me I'm just pointing out that it is highly unusual for a child never to have been reprimanded before, there is a difference from being punished. I haven't queried that she isn't well behaved, calm etc just that all children at some point do something they aren't supposed to do at a particular time and will be told not to do it. Of course, they should be told in an appropriate way.

How do you know that the teacher isn't as hard on the other children? That comment has to be based on your daughter's perception of what is happening. I would question at this stage in the year why she is saying that. Talk to the teacher but be aware that you only have one side of it.

saltpeanuts Sat 14-Sep-13 09:24:57

yes. I mean, never has been punished before. Also, new teacher doesn't seem to be so hard on other children.

As I've said before DD a very calm girl, used to playing on her own and being quiet, although happy to be around other kids too. Now, if you won't take my word for it...

Talking to the teacher and asking her if she thinks there's a problem and what we could do seems to be the only way to find out what's going on. hmm

Scrounger Sat 14-Sep-13 09:01:48

Are you sure she has never, ever, ever been reprimanded by a teacher before? I find that very hard to believe.

FlorenceMattell Fri 13-Sep-13 23:13:10

Sorry OP think your thread is a wind up.

exoticfruits Fri 13-Sep-13 22:21:21

Maybe DD is just finding the transition into year 1 difficult and doesn't understand that there are times that she is supposed to listen to instructions and be quiet.

intitgrand Fri 13-Sep-13 21:26:10

What a typical MN post this is turning out to be.The teacgher is of course evil, vindictive deranged witch and the child is sweetness and light.

saltpeanuts Fri 13-Sep-13 21:10:15

Well, I had to go to work earlier this morning, so her dad took her to school and picked her up, so unfortunately I didn't have the chance to speak with the teacher.

But later at home, DD said teacher had told her off again (no yelling this time), but said that she had said to her 'she was giving her a headache' and punished her / put her on timeout. She punished only her even though DD said there were more children playing.

What I find most puzzling of all is that DD has never been reprimanded before by her teachers, and everybody that knows her tells me how well behaved and sweet she is (family, friends, previous teachers). There hasn't been any change in her behaviour, so I don't understand why this new teacher seems to finds her so annoying. confused

I am really concerned now and will talk with her on Monday, to see what she thinks the problem is.

FlorenceMattell Fri 13-Sep-13 20:21:58

Daphne classes think your making too much of this. Child is noisy. Child is told to be quiet. I doubt teacher shouted and humiliated child.

daphnesglasses Fri 13-Sep-13 19:18:52

I'm really shock by some of the comments on this thread

Of course OP should believe her dd and of course it is not okay for a teacher to shout as a matter of course. If you went over to relationships board and dhs were shouting at dws that wouldn't be okay. Most parents try not to shout and sometimes fail, but would appreciate dcs could be scared and it comes from a background (hopefully) of love and trust.

Teachers are only human and may occasionally shout and dd can be told that but to assume dd is not telling the truth or that children are 'naughty' and need to be shouted at/toughen up etc is quite frankly shocking in this day and age. If they're shouting and humiliating children they've lost control IMO.

Scrounger Fri 13-Sep-13 17:33:01

I agree with the posters saying that saying that your DD may perceive a stern voice as being screamed at / shouted at especially if you don't shout. I wouldn't say anything to the teacher at this point but I would keep an eye on it and keep talking to my child about he it is going at school. I may have a quick chat with the teacher to see how my child was settling in to a new class etc and mention then that she can get a little upset and see how the teacher responds. It it happens again talk to the teacher to find out her side of the story.

mrz BTW my DS told the teacher that his Daddy had fought in WWII. His teacher thought it was very funny, DH found it less funny.

FlorenceMattell Fri 13-Sep-13 17:26:00

Your daughter was in the wrong, she admitted that.
So you are saying the teacher treated her unfairly by disciplining her? Yes of course it was in front of all the other children, she doesn't have time to take every child out of the class to tell them off.
It may have been unfair. If you are a good mother you will her teach her to be tough; and deal with things that happen that are unfair.
Mother who spoil their children have children who end up unhappy. Think of the fat Dursley boy in Harry Potter.

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