Help, sexual bullying in Y1

(174 Posts)
Lost4anything Sat 19-Jan-13 12:40:32

My DD, age 5, told me that boys from Y2 (age 6) surrounded her and one boy told her "You are my girlfriend, baby", pulled her tights down and put his finger in her bottom "to feel inside".

Boys' parents know about this culture (before this incident) but find it cute and innocent. I spoken with the teacher and her first response was that boys deny everything.

I am having trouble moderating my reaction between taking her out of school to calling social services.

How to get the school to deal with this? In case anyone wonders, this an outstanding oversubscribed school in very leafy rural area.

What to say to DD?

Cacks81 Sat 19-Jan-13 13:04:17

I find this appalling! Admittedly, I doubt the boys really know what they are doing, but the fact that parents find it funny and cute, this I find disturbing. Has this happened to any other girls?

I would talk to the school, in fact the head teacher, to say that you feel sonethibg else needs to be done. Perhaps some sort of lesson on behaviour and boundaries.

I also question how a yr2 would even think of that? Where did he get the idea from? Whilst the school couldn't tell you if they were, they should be investigating the boy's background as that behaviour is very unnerving and raises potential child protection issues on his part.

As for talking to you DD, I would want her to know that this is wrong and to feel she can tell you anything that makes her feel uncomfortable. Clearly you have a very good relationship as she told you.

I hope you receive more support and assurance from your outstanding school.

Good luck.

learnandsay Sat 19-Jan-13 13:04:57

Tell the headmistress that you want her to speak to the classes affected about playing nicely together. Is your daughter distressed by the incident? What does she think happened? If she isn't still overly distressed by it I wouldn't bring it up again. But I would tell her to go and tell a teacher if she doesn't like the way that the boys are playing. If it's innocent then why are the boys denying it? Presumably the school is dealing with it if it has secured denials from the boys, but it is clearly not dealing with it to your satisfaction.

What is the "culture" that you speak of?

To sort the matter out in your head I would write down a list of my demands and then divide a piece of paper into pros and cons. I doubt there's much Social Services can do. But I'm sure they'd be willing to talk to you about what is and what is not acceptable in playground behaviour. But my feeling is that it is the head who is responsible for playground policy. (If the children are unsafe that's a different matter.)

hpsaucy Sat 19-Jan-13 13:06:25

Where did this happen? where was the teachers/MDA's ?

donnie Sat 19-Jan-13 13:09:05

IMO this needs to be flagged up as a potentially VERY serious incident. The fact that the parents see it as 'cute and innocent' would set the alarm off for me.

I would inform ss, the LEA - everyone. Seriously, your poor dd. If it were me I would make an absolutely almighty fuss about this until it was dealt with.

You nned to explain to your dd that what they did was wrong and nobody is allowed to do anything like that to her, ever.

Adversecamber Sat 19-Jan-13 13:13:32

That is incredibly disturbing behaviour and not just a look at the girls knickers kind of thing that I remember from school doing handstands kind of stuff.

That boy may very well have been or is being abused and I actually think you should speak to someone like the NSPCC about overtly sexualised behaviour in this boy.

hpsaucy Sat 19-Jan-13 13:15:57

How do you know that the boys parents think it is cute?

I cant understanding why the school hasn't involved SS straight away, this is so serious.

Feenie Sat 19-Jan-13 13:16:57

The teacher's reaction is very difficult to believe, and this needs taking further. Any other school would take this extremely seriously and would follow Child Protection procedures. Report to Head and Social Care.

LatteLady Sat 19-Jan-13 13:25:10

This is most definitely a Child Protection Issue. The behaviour of the boys needs to be flagged and investigated further as this would most certainly not be considered to be normal behaviour... you need to be seeing the HT on Monday morning or their cover if they are not available and ask them what action they will be taking. If you do not get any response from them, ask for a copy of the School Complaints Procedure, the Bullying and Harrassment Policy and the Child Protection Policy. Next call after that is to Social Services.

The reaction of the class teacher is inappropriate, but unfortunately not uncommon, because they do not think about what might be happening at home to produce this sort of behaviour as they do not think such things happen in "naice" families.

cloudpuff Sat 19-Jan-13 13:26:57

I would in no way be letting this go. Its alarming that the parents think its cute. You mentioned that the Parents are aware of this culture, it doesn't matter what culture they are from this behaviour needs stopping.
Has it happened before that you are aware of.

Lost4anything Sat 19-Jan-13 13:28:25

There were incidents before. Last year boys pulled my DD pants down to see her bottom. I reported to the teacher. She assured my they dealt with this and it was mere "silliness". I gathered from other parents that there are 21 boys for 8 girls in that class. In Y1 they were showing their willies to girls. Now they developed this "boyfriend" culture - that every boy has a "girlfriend". The school tried to deal with this but their still minimize it to just "silliness". The parents think the "boyfriend" culture is innocent. One mother told me that Y2 are innocent in her opinion but Y3 might be not. I do find the complacency and denial disturbing.

DD thinks those are silly jokes from silly boys. I told her it is wrong and that she should speak to a teacher if it happens again. Probably I shouldn't cause her more alert, or she will feel guilty and distressed.

I want the school to have some lessons/programme to deal with friendships, relationships, respect of others, and boundaries. Basically to re frame this boyfriend culture away from sex.
But I also want my daughter, all children protected from sexual touching and bullying.

crazygracieuk Sat 19-Jan-13 13:34:03

It's not normal or cute. I'd be fucking furious.

My dd has always been in a class with similar ratio. Some children talk about boyfriend/girlfriend but those who go out just sit next to each other in assembly. The y6 might hold hands or kiss in private but certainly no sexual touching. This is a school in a deprived area of London suburbs.

mrz Sat 19-Jan-13 13:34:42

It needs to be reported to Social Services

FamiliesShareGerms Sat 19-Jan-13 13:35:38

These aren't silly jokes, these are incidents of highly inappropriate behaviour. If the school has failed to deal with concerns in the past, I would have my DD out of there as soon as possible, and I would be writing to the governors and LEA to tell them why.

Hope your DD is OK

learnandsay Sat 19-Jan-13 13:35:45

Why don't phone Social Services on Monday and ask for an opinion?

hpsaucy Sat 19-Jan-13 13:39:00

these are 5 and 6 years olds!!! there should be any sexual culture!!!

You said he put his finger in her bottom!! This should have been reported straight away!

hpsaucy Sat 19-Jan-13 13:40:41

where did this happen?

Rosa Sat 19-Jan-13 13:41:12

Boyfriend and girlfriend culture can be cute at age 5&6 but pulling tights down and 'having a feel' is way out if order and not within the 'culture'. I would be bloody furious and would have probably been in the heads office within 24 hrs of it happening and creating hell until it was sorted. The parents of the boys concerned need to be investigated as well as to why and how a 6 yr old has the knowledge for such actions.

learnandsay Sat 19-Jan-13 13:43:42

The words boyfriend and girlfriend don't imply that there is a sexual culture. I think the word culture was introduced to describe the children's regime that all children must have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

I don't quite know what the OP means in her later post when she says that it is currently based on sex. (Sex in what way?)

elfycat Sat 19-Jan-13 13:46:53

Some serious safeguarding issues! The school doesn't see sexual assault as serious? Yes they are kids but this is beyond the 'you show me yours'.

Social services - yes. Ofsted included in a written complaint - yes. Meeting with the head where they have to spell out exactly how they plan to keep boys hands out of your daughters knickers - yes!

BluelightsAndSirens Sat 19-Jan-13 13:47:01

From your first post I would contact the police.

End of.

Lost4anything Sat 19-Jan-13 13:48:20

I first heard this on Tuesday. I spoke with the school on Wednesday. On Thursday the school gave me the initial reply that boys deny this, but they will investigate further. On Friday the school was closed because of snow.
The conversation with the teacher was informal and the emphasis on "silliness" made me uncomfortable, given it is a second time. I do think that on Monday I should put it in writing to the school, so they couldn't dismiss it as "silliness".

learnandsay Sat 19-Jan-13 13:51:55

The police can't do anything. These children are way below the age of criminal responsibility, (unless Blue, you're suggesting that they arrest the staff.)

Viviennemary Sat 19-Jan-13 13:54:47

I agree this is quite disturbing behaviour for children of that age. And it needs to be stopped. I think I would ask SS to investigate and inform the local authority. The teacher should not be brushing it off in this way. It is a serious matter and the school is not dealing with it in a way that is satisfactory for you. It wouldn't be satisfactory to me either.

hpsaucy Sat 19-Jan-13 13:56:35

I would like to know where the staff were when *"boys from Y2 (age 6) surrounded her and one boy told her "You are my girlfriend, baby", pulled her tights down and put his finger in her bottom "to feel inside".

if this was my DD involved headteacher and SS straight away

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