teachers handing out birthday invitations - should this be ok when all are not invited?

(97 Posts)
greener2 Tue 27-Nov-12 19:04:34

Hi,
as topic says really. My daughter is in reception class so i am new to the school thing but she has been really upset the last week. The teachers have a birthday chair in he classroom. When its someones birthday they come up and they hand out invitations to their party. Obviously the issue is not whether my dd is invited as its fine and i understand but the upset she has when she is 1. waiting to see if she is invited 2. subsequently isnt invited has to have the disappointment of this...

Am i ott in not being happy with this? I really feel for her poor thing. By the way she is suspected of haveing autism which the school are aware of and so things do affect her differently so please be kind when responding. Thanks

mrz Tue 27-Nov-12 19:46:23

I do find the birthday chair hand out very strange

greener2 Tue 27-Nov-12 20:00:35

Agreed i dont think its right either especially at 4 years old.
What do I do now? I did have a little word with the teacher but her opnion was that she has to learn disappointment but i totally disagree and now feel unhappy with the choice of school if this is their ethos

clam Tue 27-Nov-12 20:08:26

The American school my friend's children were at had a blanket ban on all party invitations on school premises, unless every child in the class was invited.

greener2 Tue 27-Nov-12 20:16:11

Rejection is hard and im in my 30's let alone at 4!

mrz Tue 27-Nov-12 20:27:19

I think you need to explain that some mums and dads can't afford to invite everyone even though they would like to

expatinscotland Tue 27-Nov-12 20:30:50

NOT ON, IMO. I'd complain to the head. They have plenty of time to learn about rejection and disappointment, and 4 is not a good time whe at all possible.

greener2 Tue 27-Nov-12 20:34:25

I have explained to my dd all of that and explained about disappointment but i dont believe this is a good thing to do. My husband is on about seeing the head tomorrow but i feel like i dont want to go behind the teachers back etc but then i dont agree with it at all

mrz Tue 27-Nov-12 20:36:25

It's ok because then all the parents who want the teacher to hand out invitations (because their child always gets invited) will complain to the head ...

greener2 Tue 27-Nov-12 20:47:30

dont understand your point mrz?

mrz Tue 27-Nov-12 20:52:57

The point is the teacher can't win ...if she says yes to handing out invitations in class she upsets you/your child if she says no she upsets the birthday child/'s parents hmm

TuftyFinch Tue 27-Nov-12 21:04:38

At DC's school no invitations will be dealt with by teacher unless it's a whole class party. I completely agree with this.
Handing them out in class time if some are left out is unfair. I know children have to face disappointment but they shouldn't have to face feeling sad and upset. A lot of children use party invites in a manipulative way, even at 4: 'if you don't do this you're not coming to my party' etc. Sitting on a chair and handing them out is awful if some are left out. I would speak to the HT.
If you really do feel you've made the wrong choice of school is it worth having a look at the other schools in your area?

scurryfunge Tue 27-Nov-12 21:05:24

That is the point Mrz- you don't need to get involved. Social events outside of school should not be your concern. Just get on with teaching!

TuftyFinch Tue 27-Nov-12 21:06:17

mrz upsetting parents is completely different to upsetting children.
They have to face disappointment sometims grin

lottiegarbanzo Tue 27-Nov-12 21:09:14

I think it's really unkind and that I'd have been upset (probably up to about 16 and then just differently!). I'd ask them for their reasoning and make the point it's upsetting.

When I was at infant school we were allowed to stand at the top of the steps and ring the hand-bell for the end of break on our birthday. That was ace.

Beamur Tue 27-Nov-12 21:10:00

Last year when DD was in Reception the Teacher had a loose policy that invitations should be all class or a select few - she seemed to also disagree with the idea of leaving a couple of kids out, but she would distribute invitations discretely into book bags.

jimswifein1964 Tue 27-Nov-12 21:12:11

Surely it's better to hand them out yourself - you either know the parents, or you need to know them as you will have kids in the class together for a long time!! I know people work & there had to be an alternative in these instances though.

Hulababy Tue 27-Nov-12 21:13:43

We never hand out invitations at our school, regardless of who is invited. Children and/or parents do it themselves. At DD's school teachers and TAs take no part in giving out invites either. Would never expect to be asked to do so, nor expect DD's teaching staff to do so. Never had a parent ask either to be honest.

Definitely dislike the idea of the birthday chair/invite distribution in OP. How awful. What happens if a child has invites for all but 1 or 2 children - it would seem like school were condoning such exclusion, which can never be right.

Hulababy Tue 27-Nov-12 21:14:46

I'd have no worries with upsetting a child's parents by saying no to the request to hand out invites.

I just don't see the need to be involved.

CharlotteBronteSaurus Tue 27-Nov-12 21:17:40

playground doesn't work for those of us who use before/after school club

at dd1's school invitations are discreetly placed by the teacher into bookbags. dd1 is generally unaware of what's in there until she's home, so is often unaware if not invited to a party.

radicalsubstitution Tue 27-Nov-12 21:27:41

Same here Charlotte.

There's just no way I could have handed out DS' invites in Reception.

Now he can read, and doesn't invite as many children, I would give them to him to give out at an appropriate time.

There needs to be some flexibility, but the OP's situation sounds truly hideous.

Hulababy Tue 27-Nov-12 21:31:57

From Y1 up I can't see why it shouldn't be down to the children themselves. Ours do it as they arrive, before register time. They go straight into drawers.

For children in reception I guess some will need more support with the reading. But even so I think teachers and TAs need to be careful not to be condoning excluding children - not where there are just one or two not invited.

mrz Tue 27-Nov-12 21:32:06

I was fortunate there were only 10 children in my daughter's class and 12 in my son's so I could invite everyone but as a teacher I was never ever in the playground to drop off or collect my children ... thankfully their teachers handed out invitations or parties would have been quite lonely

mrz Tue 27-Nov-12 21:33:34

I'm not sure how teachers or TAs can be regarded as condoning excluding children ...

NamingOfParts Tue 27-Nov-12 21:40:08

I really dont get this idea that upsetting and disappointing a reception aged child will somehow make them more resilient.

IMO the school should not be involved with handing out birthday invitations etc at all.

CharlotteBronteSaurus Tue 27-Nov-12 21:41:42

TBH i think it's still better with the teachers even once the DC can read. the one child who did hand his own invitations out in the playground this year made a big show of who was getting one. Far better discreetly popped in a book bag for a parent to find later.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now