Pushy mum?

[askyourfather]

Hi all

For as long as I can remember DS (aged 9) has joined clubs/taken part in activities then slowly lost interest and has asked to stop going.
The really important stuff like swimming I've made him keep up but there are things I've spent a lot of time, money and effort driving him to/encouraging him to enjoy/enthusing about that he just doesn't seem to have any drive for.
I'm wondering if it's just his personality type but so far he's began, then stopped: martial arts, guitar lessons, running club and most recently - which he always loved until now - chess club at school.
He's outgoing and has lots of friends and does well academically but I really want him to experience the things my parents didn't have the money or access to allow me to do. I've always felt I missed out on 'doing clubs' and am angry that he's given so much opportunity to better himself and doesn't snatch it up.
Does anyone have any similar frustrations or any ideas how to push him towards stuff without pushing him too far?!
Cross and frustrated!
Thanks all.

[ApplesinmyPocket]

To be honest, I think this is normal. Bless you though, for being so determined to give him lots of opportunities!

My DDs learned instruments and did various sporting activities, all at my instigation. Now they've grown up, they've chosen different things for themselves - and done them with a lot more enthusiasm than any of the things I chose for them!

None of the things you've dipped his toe into have been wasted time, they were all good chances to have had and to have learned a bit about. 9 is quite young to develop his own passion for something extra-curricular and it sounds like he is doing fine in other ways - friends, school etc. Carry on offering him opportunities by all means but don't take it personally if they don't stick.

[lovecheese]

I think the key thing is letting him take the lead. My kids have done clubs or activities for a while then given up to try something else, and a little bit of you does think if only you stuck with it you could go far with this BUT clubs etc ARE optional, they don't have to do them, and maybe he just hasn't found his "niche" yet? It's great that you are giving him opportunities but I wouldn't make him feel guilty if he gives something up - maybe the next thing he tries will be the one he sticks with.

[crazygracieuk]

I have a 9 year old son too.

Is there a pattern to why he quit? Did you let him quit straight away and was he the one to suggest the club in the first place?

I did clubs as a child and I think that the only ones that were beneficial were music lessons (as I can read music) and swimming because it's an important life skill.

My children have weeks when they don't want to go to after school clubs. They only do clubs that they are interested in which I think helps. My kids don't do clubs to better themselves either. I think that the fact that you felt that you missed out is clouding your view of after school clubs. There is nothing wrong with just doing swimming.

[ragged]

Marking my place, I have an 11yo DS who is very similar. Very hard to get him to develop "interests".
I also have a 9yo DD who I have to hold back from doing activities every day of the week, couldn't be more different!

[ponyprincess]

I can understand where you are coming from, I prefer if my children choose activities and stick with them, so it feels like they are building up a skill, but it doesn't always work out that way!

I think sometimes they just have to try different things out before finding what it is they really enjoy. Sometimes they might think they will really like an activity, but how it is in their imagination is different from the reality of doing it.

I agree with the other posts that clubs are optional, and there are so many things in life already that 'have' to be done, probably they should have some flexibility and freedom. On the positive side, sampling different things might also be good, in that it builds up the confidence not to be shy of trying out new and different things.

[civil]

One thing about music is that to progress on a instrument at a pace quick enough to keep it interesting, I think that parents need to sit down with the child while they practice.

My dd is 6 and learning the piano. I think this is quite young, but she wanted an activity to be good at because she struggles with sport.

I play the piano and help her with her practise. We only do 5 mins a day, but she would be too young to do it on her own. I can help her when she gets stuck so she stays motivated.

I know many children who've started an instrument and given up because they were expected to practise on their own at a young age. Even if a parent isn't able to read music they can sit in the music lesson and learn with the child as they go along.

[askyourfather]

Thanks for all your encouraging messages I feel a bit neurotic now! I do think I probably take the fun out of things for him by being so gung ho on his behalf and perhaps need to take a step back.
I was the child who wanted to do everything - perform, be the 'leader', etc and think as well as personality type that was a lot to do with the fact that I DIDN'T get pushed at all, so what I'm doing with him is clearly having the opposite effect!
Another thing clouding my judgement is the way kids diaries all seem to be so filled up these days, that if your child isn't constantly expanding his mind with constant extra-curricular activities every night of the week you feel as though they are losing out. Whereas the more I think about it, maybe down-time is really quite valuable more than ever now what with the increasing demands of homework, etc form an earlier age.
Think I need to let DS think for himself a bit on this one. Anyway, DD (20 months) is already proving to be a bit of a show-pony like her old mum so moving on...

[askyourfather]

'Civil' that's such a good point, I think expecting DS to sit in his room practising 'scales' and chords alone was probably not very rewarding!

[pinkcushion]

I know this is a probably a controversial opinion but I don't really get the obsession with swimming lessons after a child has acquired the skill of swimming.

I see countless parents dragging their very reluctant kids to swimming lessons every week where the kids learn the Dolpin and the Butterfly and they subject their kids to swimming countless lengths in the name of another bloody badge - which would bore anyone to tears. I think the whole thing is a big con - no one needs to learn these bizaar strokes - fine if you're interested but as a life skill - I'm not convinced.

To the op I would back off suggesting any more clubs - let the enthusiasm come from your dc - he's old enough now to direct his own interests...you are in danger of teaching him that it's OK to give up without really trying.

[FreudianSlippery]

I can see why you are disappointed but tbh I think your DS will resent you if forced to go. It's not really an opportunity is it, if he's not enjoying it.

[Aggiebag]

Let children be children and not mini me's.

[askyourfather]

Woah ok some home truths I probably needed to hear! Yes he is already resenting me I can see it in his slumpy-shouldered body language. On the flip-side I resented my parents every time I listened to me friends talking about another ballet recital I wasn't a part of! Can't win!
I see that I've taken one extreme and turned it into another and will definitely back-off now because he is quite an interesting kid in his own right. It doesn't help that we live in a posh little village where its all violin lessons this and show-jumping that!
Believe me aggiebag I don't really want a mini-me. I was a precocious and irritating little swine of a child and thankfully my kids have inherited some of their dad's laid-back attitude to life.

[IndigoBell]

In fact - if he suggests joining another club you should say no. And then only let him join if he pesters you for a term...... Then far more chance of him actually sticking with it....

My kids have also started and dropped their fair share of things. I guess I think they have gained something from all of those experiences.

Eldest DS now does no clubs at all besides Scouts. And I think for him that is absolutely the right choice.

DD does a couple of clubs which I know won't last very long, but she also does one sport very seriously which I think she'll stick at for a long time.

Youngest DS does a variety of clubs which I know he'll quit soon. I think it's unlikely he'll ever find something he'll stick at, but at least he's tried a few things just-in-case they did properly appeal.

Of course the danger with taking anything really seriously is how much time it properly eats up. DD wants to be in the Olympics - but imagine if she really was. Would that really be a good childhood? Putting all your free time into one sport?

[civil]

Many children do seem to do tons of clubs but we find that with our 6 year old, one organised club is about all that she copes with because she likes to play.

So, we just do Rainbows. I think swimming is important but since we swim weekly as a family and they do swimming at school, we abandoned swimming lessons. (Which felt hardwork!)

We also do piano, but the piano lesson is with granny.

At secondary age, children have so much to do that realistically, clubs have to be dropped until children get down to the one or two things that they are really interested in.

I dropped piano to concentrate on cello and guides to concentrate on school work, but continued to swim.

[PoppetUK]

I've really pushed swimming (as we were in Australia). Having three little ones we are just going back to it because it will make it better for a family swim when they are confident, keeps them safe(r). I have looked at several lessons and finding a good one that the kids will also have a bit of fun it can be hard. Trial and error.

Whilst abroad I had to pay for every afterschool club so I guess if PFB wasn't listening or getting something back from it then I was annoyed. Thankfully over here she goes to 2 free activities and 1 paid (Spanish which she loves). I don't see what she gets up to. She just tells me she enjoys it and enjoys the space from her younger brothers. Both hubby and I played a sport to a high level. We have held off introducing them (DD is now begging) because I want her to be of an age where she could listen for an extended period, physically be able to do some of the things required and I can find a coach that is fun and she enjoys being with. She may just decide she doesn't like it but hopefully we can enjoy doing it with her to.

I have found it very hard to find good teachers / coaches that make it enjoyable in many of the activities I've looked at. I don't want to turn them off of things.

Currently looking for an Art / Craft class for DS (5) as he absolutely loves this and it is something he owns for himself. No encouragement needed but I'm sure they'll be aimed at older kids.

There are so many variables but I think one thing I take from all of this is that you are giving them access to things they may enjoy as an adult.

Is there a hobby that you do that you can pull your kids along to. I love walks and bike riding. Kids sometimes even moan about not wanting to go out but once we are they love it and I'd be surprise if they didn't do it when they are older.

[askyourfather]

I'm really grateful for all this feedback thanks everyone!

[Blatherskite]

He is taking up the opportunities though. He is taking the opportunity to see if he likes something enough to practice and be really good at it. So far the answer has been 'no' but it won't always be. He knows" the basics of chess and guitar etc and if he changes his mind at a later date, he'll know^ he wants to do them because he's tried before and he won't be starting from scrtach. It's not a waste of time just because he didn't become a chess master or a classical guitarist.

Plus, as others have said, he's learning that it's OK to take chances and try something and just as OK to say "you know what, this isn't for me". He's learning anout himself and how to be pro active and honest. It sounds like he's getting a lot from his clubs to me.

DS is almost 4 and only does swimming at the moment but I hope he'll be able to try lots of new things when he starts Primary School in September. Not every club will be right for him but how will he know if he doesn't try?

[askyourfather]

Brilliant advice and taken on board in good grace! I clearly expect too much. Don't want him to be one of those kids that goes into collage with machine guns under his long pvc coat and kills all his teachers and peers, imagining they are me.

[FluffyHamster]

Oh I sympathize - I have something similar with DS1 who is 11, and does all sorts of clubs - drama, music, chess, swimming.

He is a lucky little soul in that he seems to pick things up quickly and has done very well in all of those, and his music and drama teachers have taken me to one side and said 'DS has a real natural talent in music (etc)' if he could commit to it a bit more (i.e. extra practice/ involvment etc) then I really think she could be very successful'

But DS is just so very casual about it all - doesn't really practise his music or drama stuff enough to do REALLY well, and then usually gets a 'MERIT' level, but is bizarrely then disappointed! I don't know how many times I have had discussions with him about needing to commit/ work hard etc at something to be able to do really well.
It's within his grasp, but he just seems too lazy or disinterested

Sometimes I wonder if I haven't been quite pushy encouraging enough, and should have tried to get him to commit more

I mean, has Tom Daley always leapt out of bed every morning and said 'c'mon Mum, let's go and do 4 hours of diving!' or is there always a slightly 'pushy' parent behind the scenes?

[Cortina]

I think a desirable thing to do in the meantime is to try to instill a sense of ambition, resilience, self discipline and tenacity. Regular, short bursts of non-negotiable 'homework' or similar can be really beneficial and transferable when he applies to a 'hobby' he's interested in.

Being too laissez-faire is perhaps to encourage laziness I think. Good habits are laid down early. Not to be too dragon motheresque though, fun is also v important!

I've noticed that my friends with high expectations seem to have the children that stick at their hobbies, and yes the children seem to really enjoy them too, progressively getting better and better & growing in confidence. What's interesting too is that my friends who were stellar drama stars at school and always got the lead role in the play etc, well their children seem to be following the same trajectory. The only difference being that their children seem to be going even further and eclipsing Mum's earlier success in lots of cases.

I try to do all this 'instilling' with my son, given the choice he'd always be out with his friends. He's shown an interest in the piano recently, he's having lessons and doing ok so far. I've said he has to practise for 10 minutes a day, this is non-negotiable. I tried to sweeten this by sounding extra cheery, enthused and friendly. I'll let you know how we go...

[Cortina]

Fluffy Hamster, I've just touched on this in my PP. I think there has to be some self discipline but that trait may come from the parents/family in the way I've described above.

Also the musical prodigy Emily Bear came from a family of pianists and they snared the best teacher in the world, or something like that, from when she could barely stand unaided. The Williams apparently parents decided that Serena and Venus world be world tennis champions before they were born. (They thought it would be a good way to make money). Steve Davis the snooker player was asked why he had such talent. He said it was simple, he'd been playing for 7 hours a day since he was 6 years old.

There was a study done of the best violinists in the world. They were graded into several groups, uber brilliant ones, those that were pretty good, and those that were quite talented, probably end up running a music department in a school. The difference between the 3 groups? Well the only factor was hours of practice.

[FluffyHamster]

Cortina - I have to say I agree more with your approach than with a more 'let him do what he wants' one.

I think when you begin to do something for the first time there is excitement of the unfamiliarity of it all. After a short while you realise that it is no longer so new and exciting, and you also begin to realise that it's harder than you first thought, that you need to practice (i.e. it's hard work) and that other people (who have been doing it longer than you) may be better.
I think this is a crucial point. If you 'quit' too soon, then you never get over that early 'it's too hard/ I'm not very good' hurdle to reap the reward of what accomplishment and success feel like later if you'd stuck with it, and given it a good 'shot'.

I'm not saying that all children should have to pursue everything they ever start doing for months/years on end, but I do think that there's a bit of a culture these days of letting kids give up on things too soon, which doesn't build that sense of ambition and ability to work hard to achieve a goal?