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thoughtful advice needed please re bullying situation

7 replies

lingle · 25/01/2011 12:26

I would very much appreciate some thoughtful advice.

Disclaimer: I'm not perfect and I'm not smug. I have one very mature child aged 8 who is able to help victims of bullying. His younger brother 5 is a very different story as some of you will know.

So here goes. There is troubled boy (let's call him Bob) in Year 3. We live in an affluent town and he is one of the small minority of kids from a more vulnerable background. Father a negative influence. Mother works and is holding it together just I think. Mother tells me Bob and his then baby sister were abused by family member who still lives in our town. Step-father seen by mother as positive influence - he doesn't work though....

My DS1 (8)is no angel - no doubt he joins in some teasing/bullying sometimes himself. However, he has a strong protective instinct (due to experiences with little brother that I won't go into here)and has befriended Bob, the only child to have done so. Ds1 has just enough status not to be bullied for befriending Bob. Bob asked DS1 to do an act with him in a school show 6 months ago. DS1 said no chiefly because he feared the consequences on the playing field of being associated with Bob. But he was troubled by this and told me. It pressed all my buttons (Bob never got to perform) so I invited Bob to play over the summer. Bob was sweet, clearly immature for his age in quite an appealing way (asking DS1 "can I be your friend?") and well-behaved throughout. He came over again at Christmas - no breakfast in him - and was the same. Notably, he told me he does ballet lessons. So I gave him a mini piano lesson on my piano and he was a model pupil, doing 15 minutes' solid practice motivated solely by the promise that my husband would listen to him play afterwards. So you get the picture - vulnerable child trusts my son (which is flattering to my son), is desperate for more positive male role models and is musical - and I happen to have a passion for increasing access to music.....you can see why I'm interested.

At school,according to DS1, it's a different story. Bob is disruptive in class. Bob has a temper. He loses it and hits. The tough and wanna-be-tough Year 3 boys have realised this and provoking Bob is their blood sport of choice. They tease and humiliate him until he hits, then do their utmost to make sure the blame is pinned on him. DS1 had tried to tell Bob's teacher but "couldn't get the words out". DS1 "goes off and finds someone else to play with once the boys start on teasing Bob".

Last week I decided to report what DS1 had told me. I got a suprised and very grateful reaction from class teacher and then from head. It seemed that the teachers had suspected there was another side to the story but had no evidence till I came to them.

So, for whatever reason, this family is on my mind (I think because one day my younger son could be a "bob" and I hope to god some parent will intervene then - I'm "paying it forward" if you know what I mean). Doing nothing doesn't feel like an option.
Possible things I could do are:
-1. befriend Bob's mum. she isn't articulate and doesn't have high self-esteem. I might be able to help her rebuild her communications with the school which are low at present I think. She is aware that DS1 is kind to Bob and has thanked me.
-2 encourage the friendship between DS1 and Bob - but if I put too much pressure on DS1 he'd pull away - he's only 8,no Martin Luther King!
-3 offer to give Bob music lessons in school as he seems to show promise and clearly music speaks to him and it would give him a different identity among the other kids and it would be a fun way for me to do something with him that ties in with my interests (I already mentor 4 self-taught "violinists" in school)
-4. subtly spread DS1's version of the Bob story among my friends. I get the impression that some mums are clamouring for Bob to be punished more for his behaviour, blind to the fact that their little darlings are involved. But my mates are pretty switched on and aware that sometimes their own kids may find it hard not to join in. Of course, I might blow it with my mummy gang but hell, life's too short...it would be a worthwhile way to blow it.

I'm concscious that anything I do needs to be sustainable....

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DinosaursHateUnderpants · 25/01/2011 12:49

You sound lovely.

I would go for your options 1, 3 and a bit of 4. If you can befriend the mum then your offer re music lessons would give you a good and genuine inroad. I wouldn't go out of my way to spread the story about the true version of events but if ever the subject of Bob came up in conversation I would take that opportunity to put across your thoughts and correct where necessary. Your DS also sounds lovely and it sounds like he can make good judgments himself, so any friendship between them may just develop naturally particularly if Bob has the additional support and help with his self esteem you can offer.

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atah · 25/01/2011 12:52

Bob is so lucky to have you in his corner and your DS of course.
i would go for options 1,3,4 - definetely 4 if the teachers response is anything to go by then the parents will have even less idea of what is going on.
you are right to steer clear of option 2

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lingle · 25/01/2011 13:14

thank you both for those replies. clearly you feel, as I do, that there's only so much expectation I can put on my child as he isn't mother teresa! so option 2 is limited. It's good to get backup about that.

If school goes for the music lesson thing, I want to make my volunteer status very clear - I don't want to receive the school's confidences about Bob (nor could I under the rules I think)- instead I should get info from his mum and so back her up and perhaps help her communicate it to the school - plus I suspect there are things I'd rather not know tbh. And I feel I don't want the lessons linked to Bob's discpline at school - I'd like them to be conditional only on practice, not on general behaviour.

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IndigoBell · 25/01/2011 14:39

Giving him music lessons is such a lovely and practical thing to do. Could change his whole life.

As for the bullying - school should really be addressing that in a variety of ways, including circle time, SEAL, and playtime monitoring. I think you could ask school about what they do in general to make sure the kids are nice to each other.....

Don't know if Bob could join scouts or something to help him?

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admission · 25/01/2011 14:53

I would not push your son to do anything, he has already shown that he is capable of helping as he can and you should allow this to continue as he sees fit.
The piano idea is good, but you might find yourself with a few more Bobs who want to have free music lessons, so be careful of overcommiting.
I suspect that having spilt the beans to the school, you may well find that there is a changing attitude to how Bob is perceived in the school. Maybe some of the others involved in the bullying will finally be flushed out and suitable action taken. For that reason i would not be keen to do 4, other than in letting people know that your son does play with Bob. Let them find out for themselves that maybe their children are not angels rather than you suggesting it. That way you will hopefully remain on good terms with everybody.

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samels001 · 25/01/2011 20:34

You sound a really lovely person. I agree with the other posters - definitely not 2.

With 3 - you need to be very clear with yourself, school and Bob how long you are prepared to do this and communicate accordingly. I have had many friends who start "good" things and it fades out very quickly, possibly leaving more issues than when it started

I would do 4 a bit. It doesn't hurt to challenge perceptions. If you focus on Bob's good qualities - eg polite, musical and say how sad you find the bullying - you may find other parents will follow your lead by example.

I do see one possible issue ahead - if Bob's mum was to feel patronised at all. The family may already feel very separate - you described their situation quite clearly.

I have a DS possibly similar to your DS2 and hope that his classmates parents will be as supportive. Some are already labelling; others just care.

Best of luck.

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lingle · 25/01/2011 21:35

These are all great responses - really thoughtful, just as I hoped. I take all your points.

Re patronising the mum - absolutely - last thing she needs is some blooming lady bountiful in her life! I do respect her. When I looked after her kids for a day at Christmas, it was so she could keep her job - she'd been taking them into work with her and the boss told her it had to stop. It would have been different if it had been something less important. And I take your point about sustainability samels.

Admission, you sound as though you speak from experience! I like what you say about how spilling the beans itself can effect change and how people need to find out stuff for themselves - and will mutter that to myself if I'm tempted to get on my high horse here (very risky thing to do).

Am loving the idea of "a few more bobs" and that will make me smile for a while....

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