I would very much appreciate some thoughtful advice.
Disclaimer: I'm not perfect and I'm not smug. I have one very mature child aged 8 who is able to help victims of bullying. His younger brother 5 is a very different story as some of you will know.
So here goes. There is troubled boy (let's call him Bob) in Year 3. We live in an affluent town and he is one of the small minority of kids from a more vulnerable background. Father a negative influence. Mother works and is holding it together just I think. Mother tells me Bob and his then baby sister were abused by family member who still lives in our town. Step-father seen by mother as positive influence - he doesn't work though....
My DS1 (8)is no angel - no doubt he joins in some teasing/bullying sometimes himself. However, he has a strong protective instinct (due to experiences with little brother that I won't go into here)and has befriended Bob, the only child to have done so. Ds1 has just enough status not to be bullied for befriending Bob. Bob asked DS1 to do an act with him in a school show 6 months ago. DS1 said no chiefly because he feared the consequences on the playing field of being associated with Bob. But he was troubled by this and told me. It pressed all my buttons (Bob never got to perform) so I invited Bob to play over the summer. Bob was sweet, clearly immature for his age in quite an appealing way (asking DS1 "can I be your friend?") and well-behaved throughout. He came over again at Christmas - no breakfast in him - and was the same. Notably, he told me he does ballet lessons. So I gave him a mini piano lesson on my piano and he was a model pupil, doing 15 minutes' solid practice motivated solely by the promise that my husband would listen to him play afterwards. So you get the picture - vulnerable child trusts my son (which is flattering to my son), is desperate for more positive male role models and is musical - and I happen to have a passion for increasing access to music.....you can see why I'm interested.
At school,according to DS1, it's a different story. Bob is disruptive in class. Bob has a temper. He loses it and hits. The tough and wanna-be-tough Year 3 boys have realised this and provoking Bob is their blood sport of choice. They tease and humiliate him until he hits, then do their utmost to make sure the blame is pinned on him. DS1 had tried to tell Bob's teacher but "couldn't get the words out". DS1 "goes off and finds someone else to play with once the boys start on teasing Bob".
Last week I decided to report what DS1 had told me. I got a suprised and very grateful reaction from class teacher and then from head. It seemed that the teachers had suspected there was another side to the story but had no evidence till I came to them.
So, for whatever reason, this family is on my mind (I think because one day my younger son could be a "bob" and I hope to god some parent will intervene then - I'm "paying it forward" if you know what I mean). Doing nothing doesn't feel like an option.
Possible things I could do are:
-1. befriend Bob's mum. she isn't articulate and doesn't have high self-esteem. I might be able to help her rebuild her communications with the school which are low at present I think. She is aware that DS1 is kind to Bob and has thanked me.
-2 encourage the friendship between DS1 and Bob - but if I put too much pressure on DS1 he'd pull away - he's only 8,no Martin Luther King!
-3 offer to give Bob music lessons in school as he seems to show promise and clearly music speaks to him and it would give him a different identity among the other kids and it would be a fun way for me to do something with him that ties in with my interests (I already mentor 4 self-taught "violinists" in school)
-4. subtly spread DS1's version of the Bob story among my friends. I get the impression that some mums are clamouring for Bob to be punished more for his behaviour, blind to the fact that their little darlings are involved. But my mates are pretty switched on and aware that sometimes their own kids may find it hard not to join in. Of course, I might blow it with my mummy gang but hell, life's too short...it would be a worthwhile way to blow it.
I'm concscious that anything I do needs to be sustainable....
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thoughtful advice needed please re bullying situation
7 replies
lingle · 25/01/2011 12:26
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