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Help for a sad ds

11 replies

zonedout · 20/01/2011 21:24

am not sure the best place to post this so may pop it in a couple of places for maximum feedback as am being eaten up with worry. i shall try to be concise but there is a lot to cover;

so ds1 (4.11) started reception last september. he is of average confidence, neither extremely confident nor desperately shy. although he can be boisterous at times, he has never been into fighting or hitting and has generally preferred the company of girls (all of his closest friends are girls but he is able to form good friendships with boys too). he has always been a very easy going child and pretty unflappable so when he started reception in september i assumed he would just breeze through the transition. very quickly his behaviour changed and he became very angry and quite unhappy in himself. on several occasions i was called in to see the teacher as he had been fighting with other boys in the playground (i cannot even begin to explain how out of character this was) and it soon became apparent that there was a real problem with rowdy boys and fighting in general in the playground of this school. the term continued with ups and downs, luckily my ds1 really enjoyed the classroom and learning and also formed friendships with a couple of the girls. he didn't talk much about what went on at school but would frequently mention certain boys as 'baddies' and 'enemies' and by the end of term his own behaviour had really calmed down and he was no longer fighting but he wasn't masively happy either.

this term, he has continued to mention the same 4 or 5 boys (who i now know have formed friendships together and have frequent playdates) to the point where he has told me he feels sad in the playground as they are constantly chasing him, hitting him and 'getting him'even when he asks them to stop. yetserday he cried his eyes out for over an hour when we got home, saying he never wants to go to the playground again and he wishes those 'baddies' would just go away. this is a boy who almost NEVER cries. so i know it must be bad. i have tried twice to talk to his teacher who, although lovely, is really not acknowleding that there is a problem at all and really doesn't listen to me. not that i needed it but my son's story has been backed up by another boy in the class who apparently told his mum how that groiup of boys are always getting my ds.

i am heartbroken for my little man and don't know how else to help him as the school doesn't seemt to want to know Sad

any words of wisom and experience gratefully received

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Fluffybubble · 20/01/2011 21:52

Poor ds Sad.

I am a teacher and I would be taking what you are saying seriously. If I were you I would ask for a meeting after school tomorrow with the class teacher and reiterate your concerns. If you then have no joy, take it to the head.

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coldtits · 20/01/2011 21:54

Talk to the teacher and reiterate how unhappy your son is at school, because she may not have grasped that. To be honest, they sound like similar games to the ones Ds2 (4.8) plays, full of 'baddies' and 'enermies', but they don't upset him so I don't worry about it.

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LittlePushka · 20/01/2011 22:07

I think too that you need to speak to the teacher tomorrow and insist on a formal meeting with her to discuss your concerns asap and also invite the head to attend. if you have raised the matter twice already with the teacher without any report back from her/him or acknowledgement of your concern, in my opinion then I think it needs to get formal...and get formal quickly.

I think if there is such a clear change in behaviour, the problem being so evident that it is remarked upon by other pupils, then there is an issue that needs looking at immediately.

I would document your concerns in writing prior to that meeting and give copies to head and teacher ahead of meeting so that they are not ambushed and have a n opportunity to observe the problem and consider possible solutions to it.

I am passionate about bullying - I suffered it throughout my infant/junior schools. Please go make some noise about this - noise your lovely little man cannot make himself. Sad

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LittlePushka · 20/01/2011 22:09

PS He is into the third week of term now - that's a long time for a five year old. It needs looking at before half term or it will slide into easter term

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zonedout · 20/01/2011 22:33

thank you all so much. i forgot to mention that one day last week he came home covered in scratches. his teacher said she didn't know how they had happened but she was sure it was not through anything vindictive Hmm

fluffy good advice thank you, i shall do exactly that

coldtits yes i agree, i wouldn't think twice about that sort of language ordinarily, but the unhappiness associated with them is very disturbing

littlepushka i know i am feeling very emotional but your post made me cry. wise words indeed. and so very sorry Sad to hear about your own experience. it really breaks my heart to think about any child being bullied or teased

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LittlePushka · 20/01/2011 23:05

zonedout,..did not mean to make you cry my lovely. I turned out to be an inredibly happy kid in my secondary school and forthright...so no lasting damage! But your instinct is screaming at you.. Good luck to you and your little man. Smile

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fannyfoghorn · 21/01/2011 12:56

I wouldn't be at all happy about that. It needs to be sorted. Give the teacher one more chance and if that doesn't work speak to the head. If it were me and the school were not effective at stamping out bullying, I'd move my child out of the school. They are only little and no child should be getting hurt on a regular basis at school. Am upset on your son's behalf Sad

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CharlieBoo · 21/01/2011 13:23

Your poor little ds... Yes go in and make some noise until they listen... Don't let them brush it under the carpet. If you get no joy then go tothe head. Good luck and let us know how you get on.

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WowOoo · 21/01/2011 13:33

When ds was getting picked on by older boys the teacher said that he must keep telling her when something happens even something he didn't mind (got pushed in bushes - covered in scratches and said it's ok)

He's already aware of 'telling on someone' and didn't want to do it. I told him he had to or the teacher won't be able to stop it. He too often talks about 'baddies/enemies' - words he never used befoer school. He's super confident though. It was me that was concerned about all the bruises he had, not my son.

Now, he tells the teacher everything. Is your ds telling the teacher?

Surprised teacher said that about scratches. How would she know vindictive or not? HmmI'd consider taking it to the head if you don't see an improvement very soon after talking to her. Doesn't sound like she realises just how unhappy your poor ds has been.
Hope things start to change for the better soon.

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LittlePushka · 01/02/2011 23:15

Hey, zonedout - you are you doing with school? Have you had any positive responses from school - or more importantly, has the problem eased any for your DS?

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hellymelly · 01/02/2011 23:27

Simliar issues with my year one DD,and we have had to take her out and are home-edding for now as she was so unhappy.Your Ds sounds sensitive and kind (as do you) and so its not surprising he's finding the casual mean-ness in the playground hard to take.Talk to the teacher and perhaps also the head,have the children he likes over a lot on playdates so that he feels really strong in those friendships,and encourage him to ask for help if the other boys really won't take no for an answer.They probably are just getting carried away and are not being intentionally nasty.Maybe all it will take is a general chat by the teacher on kindness and respect for others feelings.The playground is often very under-supervised which doesn't help,is that true in your ds' school?

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