school mum called to rant why her dd not invited to my dd birthday. what to do?

[pissedoffpartymum]

in brief, we have mutual arrangement re sharing school run. dd invited 7 out of 16 girls in class. school run child not included.

school run dad asked my dd about it in car - date, time and lack of invite. he then me to ask the same. we both explained no big party, only few invited. school run child gets specific from my dd. then tells my dd that "weeeellll, me and my mum think your mum is a liar".

school run mum calls me to say her dd should have been included and not missed as her dd and mine are very close, and they consider my dd as family.

as far as im concerned the friendship has it ups and downs. not unusual. but other girls tries to dominate my dd - preventing others from joining games, getting my dd to ask for an invite to any playdates my dd is invited to etc. my dd said other girl not on list of invitees as often problems with the girl in group scenario. i say fine.

so, am pissed right off re parent questioning my dd, re girl telling my dd re 'liar' and re calls from parents.

so, do i still continue to let them take mine to school? my instincts say no, but recognise it may just be my initial (emotional) reaction. i would still be willing to take ans collect their dd. your thoughts pls.

tia

[IAmReallyFabNow]

I would stop the lifts and tell them it isn't up to them who your daughter invites.

[freshmint]

I think you say "My daughter was told she could choose 7 children for the party. She chose them. I'm sorry that your daughter wasn't in that group but it is not up to either you or me to make that decision for her. I'm sure there will be other occasions. I hope this won't affect our relationship."

If she has any sense she will drop it and you continue as you are. I must say both her and her dd's reactions are such that if you decided to end the arrangement I wouldn't be surprised - but I think if y ou keep it going the whole thing is likely to blow over more quickly.

[QBEE]

How old are the dc in qusetion and how long has the car share arrangement been going on?

[pissedoffpartymum]

I know i should probably 'grow a pair' over this. in the overall scheme of things it will probably blow over. but.

i am so grrrr. right now.

feel bit guilty that they say see my dd as 'family'.

[zookeeper]

how old is your dd?

[VivaLeBeaver]

Talk about emotional blackmail - playing the "dd as family" card. Don't let that affect you.

I'd be tempted to stop the lifts becasue I don't think I could remain on friendly terms with someone who thinks I'm a liar.

[Panzee]

Bet they only see you as family when they need lifts.

[Panzee]

Or want party invites.

[pissedoffpartymum]

i wanted to say as suggested. the words we in my head, but just couldnt get out. pointed out that we can only accommodate small groups and reminded of times when have taken their dd out. call ended with us both pissed off and me feeling like shit.

girls are 7. arrangement in place for 18 monthsish.

[Eglu]

I would say exactly what freshmint put. It is reasonable and fair. They are being a bit pathetic.

[mrsscoob]

I would have invited her, I can understand why they are upset. If they are close enough to share lifts with I think that it was bad manners not to invite them although they shouldn't have said you were a liar to your dd.

[pissedoffpartymum]

to be fair, they came popped round on xmas eve with gift for my dd and baby. their dd asked mine if we had one for her - we didnt. I went to shop and bought one. we clearly dont see frindship in same way.

[ShatnersBassoon]

It's the sort of thing all parents bitch about in private but would never dream of mentioning.

Tell them if they feel so strongly about it and think you're dishonest, then you will have to call off the lifts arrangement. I wouldn't want to be doing favours for, or accepting favours from, anyone that was so idiotic and insecure they couldn't keep their mouth shut about a kid's party.

[zookeeper]

At that age I think it's kinder to invite all the girls in the class - not very practical I know - but kinder.

[pissedoffpartymum]

really mrsscoob? bad manners? we both live approx 8 miles from school. school run arrangement came about out of convenience not friendship.

[pissedoffpartymum]

yes it would have been kinder, but my dd is friends with girls and boys - almost equally. she had big all-class party last year and couldnt afford it this time. she didnt mean to be unkind - even unintentionally.

[QBEE]

At seven I would probably have invited the 16 of them and done a craft party at home.

Had I been in your situation where the exchange of christmas gifts and the driving of each other's dc to school was established I would have definately invited the other dd.

What kind of party is it?

[mrsscoob]

Yeah I just kind of think it is.... sorry I mean I don't know the situation but if I were in your shoes and my DS was sharing lifts with someone everyday, even if out of convienience, I would have to invite them I would feel it rude not too. Thats just me though :) I still think their reaction was over the top however :)

[AMumInScotland]

It sounds like their dd views the friendship differently from your dd - yours doesn't count her as a close friend, but she wants to be the only one in your dds life. It's tricky, and doesn't make it ok for them to call your dd a liar, but I can see why they might feel a bit hurt, if their view of the friendship is based on what their dd says about it.

I'd say something like what freshmint suggests, and see how they react. That will give you a feel for whether you can continue with the lift sharing or its all goin to be too uncomfortable.

[magicmummy1]

what freshmint said.

Zookeeper, I agree that inviting the whole class (if possible) is kinder for very small children, ie at nursery etc, but by the age of 7, kids should be old enough to understand and accept that they won't get invited to everything, and that's ok. My dd understands this, and so do most of her friends - and they are only five!

[WimpleOfTheBallet]

Gosh I would faint rather than ask if I were the other Mum! I might be hurt though...I would stop the school run...it's just embarassing now.

QBEE At seven they usually are begining to make special friends and even if not...no way would most Mothers want 16 of the horrors glueing and glittering in their home!

[Tolalola]

I think at age 7 it is up to your DD who she invites to her party.

I would probably ring the parents to explain that the guest list is your DDs choice and that you are going to respect her wishes.

I also wouldn't want to continue with the lifts unless they could be brought to see that they are being unreasonable about this and that it is absolutely not on for them or their DD to be calling you a liar to your DD. I'd be fuming about that, tbh.

[nikki1978]

"At seven I would probably have invited the 16 of them and done a craft party at home."

Yeah I thought that this year. Bloody nightmare. Girls are mental! They broke the door off the kids wooden playhouse and the handle of our back door.

Anyway the woman is rude and I would stop the lift share thing and back off from the friendship entirely. But I would call her back when calmer and say exactly what freshmint said at 18.28.