Schoolgate/party invite faux pas - advice please

[knit1purl1]

The school gates scare me. The other parents scare me. Children's parties scare me. All have come together into a steep social-dysfunction anxiety curve: what to do?

Well I would recommend not doing what I have done. My beloved child has spent a week telling me about an invitation received at school. The story changed as to who had done the inviting. The teaching assistant, when asked, knew nothing. a fingertip search of some random drawer in Reception Class yielded no results.

After a few sleepless moments wondering whether I should ask the relevant parents (and I'll give you a clue here: this would have involved either telephones or talking to people so naturally did not happen) I plumped for ignoring the issue.

Do not do this. This is bad. There was, apparently, a party on Saturday. Yes the one just gone. For a friend who has had the beloved over to play. Once. So either there was an invitation that was, to all appearances, rudely ignored. Or there wasn't but Beloved wishes there had been and desperately wanted to go but wasn't wanted.

Now what? Do I collar the mother and explain - cue embarrassment all round. If had been an invite it would be all right apart from demonstrating rank failure as a social being. If there was not it will be far worse implying, as it does, that I am forcing them to explain why no invite was given. I am guessing there was none because had brief chat with the mother in question two days before the party and nothing was said (e.g. "Will X be coming then?") It would not have been odd if there had been an invite as they do seem to be friends.

Don't want to do the wrong thing. Or rather know I have done the wrong thing already and don't want to make it worse. Any suggestions?

[SuePurblybilt]

I would collar the mother and say that your child has been mentioning a birthday and either that you've got a present already or you're planning on going to get it tomorrow and what would the birthday child like? Let her take it from there. If she's in a huff cos she thinks you've ignored her invite, you're covered. If you've been left out it's up to her to squirm. Let her.

[knit1purl1]

Thanks SuePurblybilt, it's a thought but I don't really want her to squirm. There's no special reason why she should and she seems very nice (the one playdate I mentioned was to help me,a total stranger, out for an inset day). She is a nice person.

I guess I should just leave it? DH says just ask the other child over to play soon but I am consumed with fear that there is some reason, possibly to do with me/my manner that accounts for lack of invitation (I'm a bit odd tbh). This would then put the nice lady in an awkward position?

Oh god I am just frattaging about being a self-involved twat, aren't I?

[eviscerateyourmemory]

Could you say to the mum essentially what you have here eg "DC told me that he had been invited to a party at your house, but I have had a look in his bag and cant find one. I hope that we havent ignored an invite"

And then if you were invited you are covered, and if not she can just say "No, its OK you havent" without having to specify that there was a party that you werent invited to.

[ninah]

what eviscerate said
and you sound nice op, not odd at all

[knit1purl1]

Aargh that would have been excellent if I had done it during our chat last Thursday. I will save it for the next time as my DC is very dippy about paperwork and the like.

Trouble is the nice lady probably knows that I know there was a party. I found out when I heard two other mums talking about it and I crashed in asking if they meant her DCs party and when they said yes went into an little speil about how embarrassed I was not to have checked etc.

It was only when I was at home attempting to text some apology that I realised it was impossible to write something that didn't sound accusatory in some way. So I gave up, spent the day feeling brutishly useless and now find myself here, extrapolating the whole thing into a future of despairing loneliness & social rejection for us all. Like you do.

Part of the trouble is we moved round here in February and I still know nobody at all. Literally nobody. For various reasons both DC went/still go to a nursery a bit further away; most of the class went to the local one and know each other already. Oh dear I am coming over all mumsnet confessional? Will have to change my nickname and reinvent myself as a competent adult. Again.

I am a bit odd though (Asperger's?) but had quite a mostly happy early childhood as always had a best friend. Suppose I want my DC to have one too but you can't force it, can you?

[Clary]

OP don't worry about it.

Sounds to me as if yr DS was not invited (for all kinds of reasons - none a slight to yr DS I am sure) as mum would have said sthg last week if he was asked.

So just let it go. I recall once a v good friend mentioning her DD's party to me and saying DS2 would be asked; then when no invite appeared I asked her (but she is a good and old pal).

She was slightly embarrassed and admitted her DD had not wanted to ask DS2 in the end. (They are not that close any more, in fact I would have been surprised if he had been asked). It was fine but if she hadn't mentioend it first I would have left it. Ditto if she wasn't a good pal and both of us knew neither would be offended IYSWIM.

Please don't over-analyse this. If yr DS likes this boy, yes, have him over for tea sometime soon.

[CaptainBarnacles]

OP, you sound great, and very funny. I would love to meet somebody like you at the school gates!

I think eviscerate's suggestion is excellent.

[whomovedmychocolate]

Be honest with the mum. Say 'look I'm really embarrassed because DC says there was an invite, but she didn't bring it home and I don't know how things work yet and I'm sorry if I've messed up'. If she is a nice person (which she sounds like if she looked after your child when she had an inset day) she will immediately explain and not hold it against you. And if she's a horror, she'll roll her eyes and stalk off and you'll know to avoid her in future.

[Iamcountingto3]

what whomoved said. You sound lovely and slightly bonkers. My absolute favourite combination in a school-gate mum, I reckon you'll go far

[rebl]

I've twice had something similar. I'm lucky though and have twins so on both occasions only 1 invite has come home and the other twin has been rambling about the party. I've been able to say I'm coming and get round the other child saying that I would pay as I have no childcare and then found out that other twin was infact invited!

I think in your position I'd go with what eviscerate suggested.

[knit1purl1]

Thank you CaptainBarnacles & Ninah. Alas anyone can be normal on the internet (how do you think I met DH?) it is real life that is the problem. If I could conduct my entire life by interweb all would be much calmer...

Still if you really want to meet someone like me at the school gates, may I suggest that you approach the twitching lady on the verge of tears? We won't make eye contact but we often make good friends, once you get to know us.

[knit1purl1]

Oh and bring tissues

[captainpig]

Gosh you sound just like me! Wish you were in my playground.

I would go with your OH's advice. Hard as it is, forget all about it and invite the child over to play soon.

[Saracen]

I think you should say nothing, other than congratulating the birthday child and asking if he or she had a nice time.

If there was an invitation to which you didn't reply, it isn't your fault. It's a poor idea for the host parents to trust to luck (or the memory of Reception-aged children!) and think that invitations will make it into children's bookbags and get home. If your child was invited, the parents should have mentioned the party to you if they see you at the school gates, or perhaps could have rung you if they happened to have your number.

So I think that either your child wasn't invited at all for some reason, possibly an oversight, or else the host parents did a bad job of getting the invitations out. Either way, pointing it out would embarrass them.

Don't worry about this incident, and do ask the child to tea soon. You can't give up on people too early because you think they might not want to be friends, or you'll miss out on many friendships through misunderstandings. Be brave, act cheerful and keep trying unless you are absolutely sure you've been given the brush-off!

[DontCallMeBaby]

Do you have an email address for her, one you know she uses? If so, personally I would use WMMC's suggestion, but in a particularly rambling stream-of-consciousness fashion (this seems to persuade other mums that you are either nice-but-scatty or completely insane and to be treated with great caution).

I did this when issuing a last-minute invite, explaining that it wasn't that the DC was second choice, well, someone else had refused, but DD had asked me had the DC said yes, even though she hadn't mentioned inviting her, and I was all confused, and now really glad to be able to invite her after all ... the next time I saw the mum she grinned and said "it's alright, I overthink things too".

I love her.

Otherwise, I would let it drop. If there was an invite, and you didn't reply, she could always have chased it. And you didn't commit the ultimate faux pas, which is to fail to reply to a pay-per-head party (eg soft play) and then turn up anyway. This faux pas can be compounded by failing to reply again the following year, and NOT turning up.

[WhatsWrongWithYou]

What whomoved said was brilliant - you're clearly charming and vulnerable and if she's as nice as you think she'll appreciate this and not act like a twat.

Parties can be such a quagmire, you're best trying to grow a thick skin imo - you've several more years of this to go!

[knit1purl1]

I am thinking of insisting, by law if necessary, that all people go around with their email address emblazoned on their foreheads. This would help me a lot as would have happily dazzled her with ditziness by email. It is an excellent tactic.

I could twitter her too.

I could probably blog about/to/for/at her.

You'd think text would be OK but that's phones so, although better, is still bad.

I'm fairly sure that I will be almost physically incapable of just asking her and her DD over.

Did mention that I twitch?

On the plus side my DD doesn't seem bothered as such. Though she has conceived a hatred of her pinafore. It is a hideous uniform but have inkling there is more to it than that. She was so positive about school up till half term but is now reluctant to go some days. And always talking about people as her friends - people she may have only bumped into in the street or whatever, they don't often reciprocate to be honest. I suppose I am worrying that she has similar issues to me (she's a bit weird too though super lovable). Not sure whether to raise it at parents evening next week?

[ninah]

knit if I was doing school gate I'd be the one who stays in her car til everyone's gone!
and I have never found a dh on the web so you trump me there!

[knit1purl1]

Oh Ninah it is a splendid place to find them, cannot recommend it enough. Shan't ask DH for his opinion of internet wives, he has gone to bed shaking his head in disbelief at my wittering.

[GrimmaTheNome]

Try to forget about the party - if there was an invite, the other mum should have chased it. Reception kids are not a reliable postal service.

Invite her DD by writing a note and give your email not phone number for contact.
(I hate phones/text even though I don't mind talking to people direct, but email is so much better.)

Please don't namechange - unless its to something obvious like garterstitch (did I get that right - haven't knitted for years)

[magicmummy1]

OP, you sound fab. And I bet your dd is fab too. But if you're at all concerned about social skills (hers, not yours , I think it would be perfectly reasonable to raise it at parents' evening next week. Bet the teacher will tell you you're worrying about nothing, but at least it'll put your mind at rest.

I agree with what whomovedmychocolate said - we all screw up with party invitations at times.

[mummytime]

My children have been known to invite random children they met in the park to birthday parties. This is not an invitation but littlies do find it hard to understand. Also children can spend a whole year telling people they are invited/not invited to their parties.

Sensible parents phone other parents (or nab them in the playground) if they haven't received an RSVP from a relevant parent.

Admittedly I still think one parent is cross with me because I didn't get back to her to say my DD couldn't go to her DDs party after all, because she had swine flu, but maybe the message didn't get there.

BTW my worst was forgetting to take my DS to a party and then running into another friend coming home from it. But that was better than the friend whose parents got the time wrong and turned up at one at the end.

ITs not all that bad really. I am sure there are some nice/scatty mums at your school too!

[spiderlight]

You sound just like me too. I hope you're at my school gates when I have to enter this strange and terrifying new world next September.

[knit1purl1]

See it is genetic? I will spend tomorrow talking about my new friends on Mumsnet.

I'm 43 you know.

Thank you all for being kind and helpful. I'd best get to bed or there will be more tears tomorrow morning.

[magicmummy1]

"BTW my worst was forgetting to take my DS to a party and then running into another friend coming home from it. But that was better than the friend whose parents got the time wrong and turned up at one at the end."

Will confess to having taken dd to a party on the wrong day. Turned up at soft play area with dd and present, went in, saw lots of other children around the same age arriving with presents. Realised that I didn't recognise any of said children, including the one who was receiving all of the birthday presents. Panicked silently, then muttered something about having left something in the car. Checked invitation which was on the front seat, and discovered that we were 24 hours early!

Still, better than my sister who took DNephew to party 24 hours late...