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6 yr old school behaviour - apparently I need counselling

114 replies

MollieO · 03/11/2010 10:52

Have also posted this in the Behaviour section but hope that I might get some replies posting here.

Was told by ds's form teacher and SENCO today that ds's behavioural problems are because of my crap parenting skills. They said I need to see a counsellor to help me but didn't suggest how I actually go about it.

Ds is in yr 2 (6.4). He refuses to do school or homework. He boasts to his classmates about the fact that he hasn't done his homework. In class he copies other pupil's work. He is disruptive in choir practice. The music teacher wanted him to sing a solo at the Christmas concert but his behaviour means he won't be allowed to do so now. Sad No mention of him being disruptive in class, just that he won't do his work.

All of these are apparently my fault because I am a single parent. Hmm

I suggested before half term that ds should be referred to an Ed Psych (which either I or my health insurers would pay for as he is at private school). Teachers said that work isn't the problem (even though he isn't doing any he hasn't fallen behind) but his attitude to work is.

They have suggested that if I sit him down and give him ten minutes to do his homework he will comply and do it. Makes me wonder what they think I have actually been doing to try and get him to do it.Confused

I am curious to know what a counsellor could add and interested if anyone has been through this. Looking at the other parents in the year I reckon I am one of the strictest. I expect ds to try his best and I don't reward spelling test marks with new toys (which a lot of others appear to do).

Ds refused to do his homework over half term so missed various activities because of that. He doesn't have tv on until he has done his homework (so he doesn't see any tv at the moment). Not sure what else I can do.

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ilovemydogandMrObama · 03/11/2010 10:59

Is it possible that he's bored at school and needs to be assessed because he may be hyper bright?

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Bramshott · 03/11/2010 11:10

Is it possible that he's at the wrong school for him and his character? I have to admit that all this talk of homework and spelling tests in Yr 2 makes me a bit Sad.

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MollieO · 03/11/2010 11:12

He says he is bored but the teachers have said my parenting is at fault rather than their failure to engage him at school. No mention of him being bright. Lots of emphasis on him being average.

I've agreed to a two week trial of getting ds to do the homework in they way they have suggested. They are absolutely convinced that at the end of the two weeks ds will be completely compliant.

Even allowing for that they still said I need to see a counsellor about my parenting skills. I have no clue what sort of counsellor I should be looking for or where I can find one. Very Confused and rather [shocked] tbh.

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Hullygully · 03/11/2010 11:15

Oh poor you. May I suggest the opposite to the school? Try being on his side, eg tell him that you agree hw is a right bore, but it must be done, suggest you sit down together and he does the hw, with you on hand to help, and then you'll both do x, have a cake/watch a film etc. Be his friend, then he'll want to do well, to please you.

Have they said in what ways they think your parenting skills are lacking?

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VivaLeBeaver · 03/11/2010 11:16

If you want to keep him at this school then to show willing you may need to jumpo through their hoops. Can you talk to your HV, they may be able to recommend someone, or a parenting course. I'm not saying you need it but at least you can then go to the school and say you've done it, now what are they going to do?

Would an ed psych cover this sort of area, helping you to find ways that your DS may be more receptive to learning? We found an ed psych for dd via google, but that was just for a dyslexia test.

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racmac · 03/11/2010 11:19

But he is refusing to do work whilst he is at school so what do they say about their own standard of teaching then?

Question exactly the things they are doing to stop his naughty behaviour in school?

I would be running for the hills if they are suggesting that you are at fault for being a single mum.

Im rather Shock tbh

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ZZZenAgain · 03/11/2010 11:21

doesn't sound right to me

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MollieO · 03/11/2010 11:22

He has absolutely no interest in pleasing me at all. Which is apparently unusual for a 6 yr old and one of the reasons they question my parenting skills.

If he only didn't do homework I could understand it being down to me but he doesn't do his schoolwork either. I thought of suggesting that his form teacher comes to counselling with me. Hmm

I have offered various incentives - cinema, crazy golf, horse riding etc to try and engage him to do his homework and removed all of these when he won't. Have also said that homework and school work won't always be boring but you have to do the dull stuff to get to the interesting bits. He understands this and will apply himself in out of school activities but just not anything relating to school.

I would have thought that singing a solo at the school concert would have been a big behavioural incentive, but apparently not (didn't know this had been offered and withdrawn until today as ds never talks about school).

He is able an capable when he wants to be. He goes to Stagecoach and has a speaking part in the Christmas show. He knows all his lines and the lines of all the others in the play extract they are doing.

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Wordsonascreen · 03/11/2010 11:29

I'd ditch the Stagecoach.

If he is doing NO work whatsoever (am I reading this right?) then how is he not falling behind?

Am beyond Shock at schools inference single mother = poor parenting skills when its an across the board failure to teach your ds

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Bonsoir · 03/11/2010 11:34

MollieO - obviously this is all distressing and hurtful for you. And you must be worried about your DS.

However, if I were you I would try to be open minded about the counsellor and to try to go to the sessions without being defensive. Sometimes one or two really quite small things that we do without thinking in our parenting can be having a massive negative impact on our DCs, and a few small adjustments can make a massive difference.

You are, in all probability, getting 95% of your parenting right and 5% needs a little adjustment.

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Hullygully · 03/11/2010 11:35

What Bonsoir said

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yankey · 03/11/2010 11:41

I had counselling with my (single) Mum as a child. The reasons were not at all the same however underneath the underlying problem my Mother was able to resolve some of her own issues that were also effecting our relationship. I am not suggesting this is the same for you, just that the counselling really was enormously valuable to both of us!. Try not to see the recommendation as an attack on your parenting, though I think private schools do 'pick on' single Mums, but I would definitely give it a go. Also do make sure you are both comfortable and confident in your counsellor, there are some fantastic ones out there but might need searching for. Mine was in the US and many years ago... Also I think being a single Mum of a son is incredibly difficult, its not your fault but if something is bothering your son, better to try and identify and resolve it now.

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LeninGuido · 03/11/2010 11:46

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IndigoBell · 03/11/2010 11:49

MollieO - It's very common for people to blame parenting skills where there really is SN causing the problems.

It's pretty much standard to do so. For example when I finally managed to get my son referred to a psychologist because he was hearing voices in his head - the psychologist sent out a letter saying that before she saw him I needed to attend a parenting course!!!!!!!!

If this school is not being helpful or supportive to you and to your son, I would really question why you are paying to send your son there?

You can get an EP report privately.

It is normal for kids to not like to do homework. It is not normal for all the normal parenting strategies to entice them to do their HW to not work....

I would be surprised if punishing him is going to help. You have already tried that, and it didn't work previously....

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cory · 03/11/2010 11:52

I might do the counselling, even if it was only so that the counsellor could exclude anything I was doing wrong and support me if we felt there was something other underlying problem unrelated to parenting. Which is why I did take dd to counselling when her paed had misdiagnosed her physical disorder as psychosomatic; at least, there was one more experienced adult who could look at the situation and say "no, I really don't think this is it, I think you need to look elsewhere".

A 6yo refusing to do homework is nothing unusual. But the fact that he boasts about it to his friends suggests that he is actually feeling quite rebellious and unhappy about something- else, why would he want to rock their boat? A counsellor might help you to get at what that thing is.

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ClenchedBottom · 03/11/2010 11:52

Have the school actually said that these issues are your fault because you are a single mother??? It just sounds so ridiculous!
If you take that away from the picture, then a child refusing to engage with work in school would be a concern for any school, and if the parent(s) explained that the child is the same outsdie school then I can understand staff suggesting some additional input to halp everyone involved.

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AuntAda · 03/11/2010 11:53

I"d be thinking very seriously about another school.

Okay, Y2 is when they start facing up to the fact that some parts of learning are work, and are a bit dull and you just have to get on with it. But in the main (I have a Y2 child as well) they should be thinking that learning and school activities are fun, and be getting excited and enthusiastic about it.

How do the school structure the curriculum? Topic work is a great way to get a class enthused about a subject and doing schoolwork without realising that they're working. Dd2's class are currently doing dinosaurs, which seems to morph over into maths, English, science and history. Last term they did Space, which she still talks about, reads about and which still inspires her model-making and drawing. What are your school doing that a 6yo is likely to be enthused by? How are they making the teaching fun and relevant across the ability range? Or are they just taking the easy options and plodding through the curriculum in a 'this is work now get on with it' kind of way? Most Y2 classes do the Great Fire of London, which should be a guaranteed crowd-pleaser with 6yo -- lots of death and destruction and bright flamey artwork. It really doesn't have to be ploddy and boring.

If they're not teaching in a manner that is exciting to most 6yo (even if they think some of the writing and sums are a bit tedious) then maybe the school isn't actually very good? Or maybe they are overly reliant on having lots of very compliant, bright but not too bright children who will do what they are told, with compliant parents who will make sure the children do what the school tells them to, however dull and uninspired it is. Giving loads of very repetitive work-y homework is not a good sign.

What do other parents think? Do the other parents care about whether their children find school fun, or are they just concerned to push the dc through as many hoops as they can? Some private schools are fantastic, inspiring places, but lots, erm, aren't, and are simply trading on the fact that they're not the local primary school and that they are perceived as making the dc work hard.

Tbh, I'd be very concerned about a 6yo who didn't enjoy school at all. My oldest dd (in a different primary school to the dc's current one) was cynical and bored from about Y1. It didn't get any better -- and a cynical 10yo is much harder to deal with than a 6yo. If he is already disengaged with school, then you need to sort it out as soon as possible. YEs, if nec get an Ed Psych's report to see if there's an obvious mismatch between his ability and his work. But it's much more likely that the problem lies with a mismatch between the school and your son, so I'd be asking some very searching questions and booking myself in for visits at other local schools to see what they offer. The contrast between a good school and a poor one is incredible, an it doesn't divide down the lines of private vs state, or even of good SATS/Ofsted vs lower results, or leafy m/c intake vs roughish estate. Take your ds with you, and see how he reacts to other school and even more importantly how they react to him.

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ClenchedBottom · 03/11/2010 11:53

Sorry, 'outside'
Ooops, and 'help'

Must preview...... Blush

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LeninGuido · 03/11/2010 11:55

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LoopyLoops · 03/11/2010 12:00

Can I ask, without offending you, your reasons for him being in private school?
State schools tend to be much better with the SEN side of things. It sounds to me like he simply isn't motivated, and if you are doing everything you can at home, if there are no special needs, then the school environment needs looking at. Are you happy with the school in other ways? Would it be worth looking at other schools nearby?

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justabouttosellakidney · 03/11/2010 12:00

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LeninGuido · 03/11/2010 12:06

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Acanthus · 03/11/2010 12:09

Don't be defensive. His behaviour is unusual. Get all the help you can.

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justabouttosellakidney · 03/11/2010 12:11

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LeninGuido · 03/11/2010 12:17

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