Worried about the child my dd idolises in reception

[13lucky]

My dd started in reception in September - she is a young one, a July baby. We had consultation evening last week and the teacher gave a glowing report about how her behaviour is 'impeccable' and she has settled in beautifully and making friends. She is certainly very happy about school and loves going which is a huge relief given that it took an age for her to settle at preschool.

Ok, here's the but! She seems to have made friends with the naughtiest child in the class and talks about this child all the time and about all the naughty things she does - hitting, spitting, pushing her down the slide, pulling her hair etc. I've said that when she does these things, she must go and find someone else to play with as this is not nice behaviour. This child is already 5 so nearly a whole year older than my dd. The teacher did also comment in the consultation evening that they were quite close. My dh thinks the teacher probably likes them being friends because she may think that my dd is a good influence on her (my dd loves to please and would hate to be told off). However, I'm worried about two things: 1) that this child's behaviour will rub off on my dd, and 2) that she will accept the behaviour which could turn into bullying...I don't think I can use the word bullying at the moment as they're so young - I don't think a child that young would be able to bully??

It has been rumoured on the playground amongst the mums that this child is autistic and I have overheard a conversation between the mother and teacher which would suggest the child has some form of special needs. Whilst I would in no way want to discriminate against this child, I also don't want my child to be hit, spat at etc or for her behaviour to be affected by her.

Sorry to be long winded...just not sure what to do.

[thisisyesterday]

i would have a chat with the teacher.
just ask her to keep a bit of a closer eye on them for a while so she can nip any of this behaviour in the bud.
the other child may be autistic or have other SN, but that doesn't mean she doesn't need telling that it is wrong to do those things.

[Effjay]

I think you are worrying too much. I'm sure it'll settle down and she'll expand her range of friends. I think they do 'test' out lots of different friendships in their reception year, so nothing may be permanent. If her behaviour hasn't changed, then you have a child who can recognise right and wrong and not follow the others. If you make an issue out of it with her, she might start taking the bait. DCs are terrors for knowing exactly how to needle us parents, so I would ignore it unless it really starts to have a negative impact, based on the teachers assessment (and not playground rumour)

[13lucky]

Thanks thisisyesterday - am thinking of having a word with the teacher but am worried about coming across as all PFB. It is not just my dd saying that these things happen - all the kids are talking about this one particular child and all the antics she gets up to...it's just that it's my child who seems to want to befriend her! The child even tried to escape the school in the first couple of weeks there. I also worry about how much attention the other kids must be lacking in a class which is already over the maximum (32 in the class) if this child takes up all the teacher's time!

I probably should have a word but worried about interfering and what to say without interfering with the teacher's job.

[13lucky]

Thanks Effjoy - cross posted. It seems her behaviour at school is ok. At home the behaviour has gone vastly downhill and she will not doing anything we ask her. But I wonder how much of that is down to tiredness and just due to starting school etc. May be related to this child or it may not at all.

[Effjay]

I have a DS in reception and he has been v. grumpy at the end of the day. It's getting better now, but he is old for the year (5 in Nov).

Teachers say that (and my Mum was one) the child who behaves at home, but is awful at school, is the one to worry about, not the other way round. So hopefully she is doing just fine

[thisisyesterday]

no i don't think they will see it as being PFB at all.
hitting/spitting/pulling hair etc is totally unacceptable and does need to be brought up with the teacher IMO

I would do exactly as you have said and suggest that if she doesn't like what this girl is doing then she says to her "i don't like that, stop it now"
if child doesn't then she needs to find someone/thing else to do.
it's hard tho isn't it

the teacher and TA need to make sure everyone's needs are met. and this child needs to be taught how to act appropriately at school.

[thisisyesterday]

and yes, totally agree about the behaviour at home bein totally down to tiredness etc! ds1 was liek that

[13lucky]

I think you are probably right TeamEdward about the child having problems with social interaction...I didn't meant to offend by using the word naughty. Although in explaining to my dd, I do have to refer to the hitting, spitting etc as 'naughty' as I do not want my dd to think it is ok.

I think I will wait until after half term, see if things calm down and, if not, have a word with the teacher. Problem is she is quite straight talking, scary and doesn't take any nonsense so I need to get the words right with her and don't want to come across as precious. Thanks for your replies.

[13lucky]

Yes agree TeamEdward...and have been trying to do this.

[ForMashGetSmash]

Oh Lucky...you ccould be describing my own DD! Also a July baby she attached herself to the bad kid...this child was disturbed in many ways but she left at the end of year one...and my DD had stayed close to her with no adverse affects at all.

She then befriended a child who DOES have Autism and complicated needs in general...I had so many fears re. this....but it has been the most beautiful thing...to see my DD and her friend blossom through the positve effect that her friendship has had on her...

my DD is also friends with another girl...a new child who is without a doubt a proper Madam....very sparky...outgoing and challenging and bright...DD is quiet and well behaved like yours.

My DD I have been told is popular due to her acceptance of all the other kids...she cannot discriminate between naughty and nice....her friend with Autism as some "quirks" including occasional violence...which DD excuses due to her "mind being different" as she puts it...


and apart from her "naughty" friend and her friend with Special needs she plays with other girls too...regularly...don't worry...your child sounds like she enjoys the daring of the other girl...if the teacher is concerned then start worrying.

[ForMashGetSmash]

As a side note...my DD invited the child with Autism for tea one day and the child's Mother told me it was the BEST thing as not one child had asked her to their home before...despite her having a number of them round for tea...her little girl is very happy to have a real friend and I am very happy my child is blind to the differences.

[13lucky]

I think this is partly it ForMash...she likes to be friends with the ones furthest from her own character. At preschool she was best friends with a little boy who was the most popular child, outgoing, loud, a little bit naughty but gorgeously funny as well. A far cry from my shy dd. So like you say she is probably in awe of this child's resistence to the rules.

Thank you for sharing your experience with your dd...it is very positive for me to hear.

With regard to the physical side of things where my dd is claiming she is being hit, spat at and pushed down the slide, I think I shall wait till after half term and then if it is continuing have a quiet word with the teacher.

I was also worrying that the resistence to do anything we ask of her at home was to do with copying this child...although a couple of people on here have reassured me that this is normal behaviour for a child who has just started reception. Thank you all for your help.

[ForMashGetSmash]

So your DD is being hit by this kid? That's not on...my DD's friends don't seem to lash out at her...one of them did in reeption but the teacher felt it was an accident...I think you should also ask DD who else she likes and invite them for a playdate after school. It does help them bond somewhat once t have visited....don't worry too much though...from what I have seen friendships are fluid still...right untill the age of 8 or so...it allstarts again in blinking high school anyway!

[13lucky]

I know - I hate it! And hate that you feel so helpless as a parent. Yes she is coming home saying that the child hit her and spat at her. She said this last Friday and again today. Last Wednesday she said that she had pushed her down the slide.

She does talk about other children too and just this afternoon went to another child's house for a playdate and has also been to two parties already so I think she must be making other friends as well. It just unnerves me that she tells me the things this child does to her and then still says 'but I like x' when I suggest she finds someone else to play with when x is doing these things.

[ForMashGetSmash]

Yes...my DD will say "But I like playing with x" too!

I just keep reiterating that she should only play nice games and if she is hit she is to go and tell the teaacher straight away...and then play with someone else.

They do learn how to void it...my DD just wanders off now if one of her mates gets naughty in a bad way...it works for her...your DD will get there too and if she is maaking other friends like yo say she will be fine!

[Lydwatt]

Hi, i'm new here...first post!!

Just felt the need to start talking as I was struck by what you said about the home behaviour. My DD is in year 1 and has always been pretty well behaved at school. However, at home (esp in reception) she can be unbelievable! Finally, it dawned on me just how tiring she was finding school. (June birth)

I would suggest that this is the reason for changes at home that you have seen. I can't really comment on the other things you mention other than to say that (hitting aside) having a well-grounded girl who can find friendship in the most awkard of people is something to find pride in.

Hope this helps and keep talking with the teachers...

[Lucy88]

We had a similar isue when DD was in reception. The child in the class who seemed to get up to no good, hitting, being rude, spitting etc took a real shine to my DS. My DD seemed to like him too.

His mum kept asking about them having play dates and I just avoided her, as I couldn't do much about them mixing at school, but there was no way I was encouraging the friendship outside of school.

Children seem to spend the reception year finding their feet and also sussing out all the other kids. Now my DD is in year one, he has a core set of friends that he is with most of the time and luckily it is not the child he was close to last year. I asked him the other week if he still played with C*** and he said 'NO'. He said that he was always naughty and loud and was always in trouble, so I stay way from him.

The kids wil make their own mind up over time.

[oddgirl]

For what its worth I am the mother of a DS with autism and ime the teachers try to pair my DS up with children who provide excellent social behaviour models so that they can begin to learn from them.
ForMash-its SO lovely when DS gets invited to tea at other childrens and in fact my DS has paired up with an extremely bright and sensitive little soul who honestly doesnt see the issues with DS...just finds him funny! Now DS is not a hitter/pusher/biter child...just tends to lie on the floor a lot! so maybe some of the issues you present are not that evident. But your DD sounds gorgeous and very mature and I would do exactly as has been suggested...highlight the behaviour which is not acceptable whilst saying that this little girl may not be able to help what she does.
HTH