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Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

Primary education

mums at school

32 replies

nandodo · 04/09/2010 17:49

Please tell me that i am not imagining this. Are there always a couple of mums in each class that obsessed with their children and as such are mega competitive. They seem to get to know everyone individually and find out everything they want to know and then give the cold shoulder to anyone who dosn't come up to their standards or threatens the supremacy of their child. I am a very laid back person and find this all very perplexing. Has anyone seen these kinds of manouvers at pickup and how can you avoid these people?

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OneMoreCupofCoffee · 04/09/2010 17:51

You don't have to be friends with everyone - smile politely, make your excuses and speak to someone else.

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gorionine · 04/09/2010 17:56

Never had that experience. All the mums in my dcs school are great! Well the ones that talk to me are

TBH I have never witnessed competitive parenting on the school ground.

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nandodo · 04/09/2010 17:58

A very good point. I think i do tend to assume i should be friends with everyone and feel a little disappointed if things don't work out. But hey i'm too busy to entertain miserable interactions with negative people and need to stop being so niave.

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undercovamutha · 04/09/2010 18:00

I do know one mum who basically assesses other children to see if they will qualify to be her DDs good friend. She seems to miss the point that kids will be friends with whoever they want in school, and you can't engineer it. She just amuses me tbh.

Everyone else is lovely.

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Dinghy · 04/09/2010 18:05

yy some parents are totally bonkers

and they go through your child's reading record when they have them back to play after school

one woman confessed on here to looking through the class's lunchboxes after drop off

There really aren't that many of them - I don't think every class has one - but I'm sure every school has one.

Smiling and being vague with these people is the way to go.

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Lizcat · 05/09/2010 09:11

In our class there is an element of the ex-high flyer super competitive mums who need to have their previous success through their children.
Personally I smile am polite and don't get involved in it I am only interested in my DD achieving her potential and not how she compares to others.

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amistillsexy · 05/09/2010 09:28

I was offered 'much respect' from one of the nastier mum's at my DSs ( previous ) school once she realised I could drive, and saw that I drove quite an expensive (looking )car. Previous to this, she'd only seen me walking round the village so hadn't thought me worthy of her attention. She quizzed me on the car and more or less told me that this is why she'd never spoken to me :(

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nandodo · 05/09/2010 10:39

Yes, amistillsexy this is exactly the type of tomfoolery i am talking about.Some people arn't even subtle in their sizing up antics are they? I can already sense an edgy mum in my dd's reception class that i need to give a wide berth.What a shame though our children are joined at the hip but every time i see her i get a running commentary on their friendship and which one currently has the upper hand - bonkers!!

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shellye · 05/09/2010 15:33

We seem to have far too many of two types: lycra ladies and pushy mothers! Both to be given a wide berth at all times!

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bronze · 05/09/2010 15:37

My children headteacher has done that amstill.
Introduced her to my very posh (high flying) mil and the look of shock on her face was amazing.
She seemed surprised by our car too.

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nandodo · 05/09/2010 20:48

What are lycra ladies?

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HoorahHilda · 05/09/2010 20:57

What a fabulous word tomfoolery is !!

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Yingers74 · 05/09/2010 21:07

Oh nandodo, I know how you feel! Eventually the 'normal' parents find each other and things become easier. My dd1 has recently moved to a good private school (dh works there!!!) and am already aware that I am totally out of my comfort zone, parent wise. At the new parents talk, there were many parents openly sizing up other parents and their children. I look a bit messy and dishevelled whilst everyone else seems to wear sunglasses permanently, and obviously wears designer labels. I am a little scared and I guess if I am honest totally intimidated. I console myself with the fact we are lucky to have access to such an education and because my dd2 is still at a more normal school, I am not totally alone!

I have decided my best tactic is to just get in and out as quickly as possible, and also smile a lot!

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nandodo · 05/09/2010 21:27

Ah yes, the winning smile..... I am certainly going to employ that tactic this year. And as for the lycra, well thats just plain wierd and the dads that sport it are just gingangooley - ha ha.

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DreamTeamGirl · 05/09/2010 22:26

I must be lucky as so far (just about to strat Y1 or Tuesday), ours all seem very nice ...

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amistillsexy · 06/09/2010 00:03

Yingers, you've just reminded me of another one at Ds's (ex) school...As soon as the sun peeped round the corner in about March, she donned the designer shades and swanned into school in them.
As I was on the PTA with her, I thought I'd speak to her and made some comment that it was nice that the sun was shining at last, and that it was lovely to see it streaming into the dining room this morning. She said...'What, in your back-to-back terrace house?'
My flabber was totally gasted. What can you say to that sort of blatant snobbery?
(By the way, I love my back-to-back terraced house! )

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shellye · 06/09/2010 11:13

Lycra mummies in my school are the ones in tight Lycra shorts and heels no less. They are the ones have a running group that leaves from school who make the rest of us feel like couch potatoes. Would not EVER go into school in Lycra.
Agree that eventually the normal mums form an alliance and soon realise that there are more normal ones than ones to avoid!

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domesticsluttery · 06/09/2010 11:22

I was dropping my DC off this morning and saw a prime example of super competitiveness. A mum in DS2's class had cornered the teacher in the corridor to talk about reading levels. She was talking in a very loud voice (presumably for the benefit of us other mums who were taking our DCs to the same class) that her DD had managed fine with the reading book over the weekend and that she was sure that she was now ready for Level 8

Tempted as I was to mention to the teacher that my DS had managed fine with the Level 10 book that he had, I tend to discuss anything like that behind the closed door of the classroom...

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OneMoreCupofCoffee · 06/09/2010 12:38

Oh no! I often go into school in my running gear - never knowing my choice of activity was annoying a vast army of other mums. But I wear my full running gear - no heels, very unattractive bright white trainers. Oh well never mind, I'll get over it!

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Numberfour · 06/09/2010 19:50

I also went to school a couple of times in my running stuff. There were four of us that morning: the three size 10/12s and me - a whopping great big 20! What did make me a teensy upset, was a tiny acquaintance asking me rather too loudly if I was going running that morning.

Most of the mums at my school are nice and fuck the rest of them! And there are DEFINITELY those that think they have given birth to Einstein the second.

One of my sort of friends said that her DD was definitely gifted and talented and that she was going to see the school about what they intended to do about it.

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nandodo · 06/09/2010 20:13

I love it! Keep your lovely anecdotes and observations coming.I glided in at pickup today slightly late and fixed my .

I spotted a couple of rabid hyenas salivating at the side of my vision as i hurried through to collect keeping my goal in sight determined not to be distracted by tomfoolery.

My exit strategy was to engage the children in earnest conversation about what they had for school dinners ie. what all normal mums do - It worked a treat.

If anyone has any other navigation tips i am happy to test them and report back

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rabbitstew · 06/09/2010 20:24

Yingers74 - the people wearing sunglasses and designer labels are just as scared as you, or they wouldn't have dressed up as footballers' wives. Behind the carapace are scared little children playing a part and trying to fit in.

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minimathsmouse · 06/09/2010 20:27

Yingers, I'm suprised by your experience of private V state. I found the opposite to be true. At the small pre-prep everyone spoke to each other, people were very friendly, helpful and I made some good friends. We moved to a state primary and I found the school run really terrifying.

In the private school no mention was made of reading levels or sats results, the main topics of conversation were PTA meetings, fund raising, social events etc. I have found that the state parents are more competetive. They feel they have more to proove. It seems to matter more, what car, which clothes, where to holiday and what does your husband do, yawn.

In my exp, the parents at the small private school were hard up paying the fees and we were all in it togther.

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rabbitstew · 06/09/2010 20:43

minimathsmouse - I suspect your experience is of a state school where the parents either aspire to be able to afford school fees or can afford them but are hoping to avoid it.

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minimathsmouse · 06/09/2010 20:54

Yes Rabbitstew that is exactly my impression. It seems that holidays and new cars are all important as a means to stay ahead. I find it very strange,although my son once asked me to park the car further away from the school. I laughed and parked the car almost on the drive.I guess the petty one up attitudes sometimes extend to the children.

What makes it worse for me is that I have to work in the school once a week. I try to avoid the pushy mums. I run maths clubs, so I think its rather fun! I am sure the other mummies think I'm some sort of maths odd bod! this works quite well actually.I can usually race in and out with a few quick hellos