8yr old DD Will not get dressed in under an hour, wont brush her teeth or wash

(54 Posts)
monkeysnbears Wed 26-Jun-13 18:17:46

I need some help. As in desperately need some help. My Darling Daughter who turned 9 in April has decided that she does not need to wash, clean her teeth, brush her hair, clean her ears, wear clean clothes, get dressed or even get out of bed. This morning is a classic example of what usually happens........
6:30am i go into her room and tell her Time to get up bear. I make sure she is awake, I go downstairs and stick kettle on and make lunches.
6:40 Knock on her door. Holly. its time to get up. she replies that she is up shes getting dressed. I go back downstairs and drink the coffee I made.
6:50 tell holly to hurry up, I go into my 6yr olds room and he is awake playing on his DS. so i tell him morning monkey, go and get your breakfast. He goes downstairs and makes his own breakfast and starts to eat it, I get dressed
7:00 go into hollys room. she's lying on her bed with her underwear on. HOLLY HURRY UP! I go downstairs and tell Owen to get his teeth brushed, wash his face and get dressed.
7:15 Owen is clean, dressed and sat on the sofa with a drink, i tell him to go and change his top as its dirty. he comes back down with a clean top. I stick the tv on coz he has gotten dressed and ready for school. go back upstairs only to find holly is still not fully dressed. she is in fact now sitting on the end of her bed kicking it. Holly get dressed. walk out the room
7:30 Go back into hollys room to find she has got her underwear and now socks as well on. walk out.
7:45 go into hollys room again to find she now has her trousers on. walk out.
8:00 Holly comes downstairs dressed. I say well done holly now have you brushed your hair? she says no. have you washed your face? she says no. have you brushed your teeth? she says no. well go and do it. she says but i'm hungry. holly go and clean otherwise you wont have time after you eat your breakfast. she stamps her foot and crosses her arms and shouts NO! So I look at her and quietly say Now. she turns and runs upstairs and slams the bathroom door.
8:30 Holly has locked herself in the bathroom and we have to leave. I ask her to open it and she shouts no, i ask her if she has gotten clean and she shouts no. so I tell her that she had better move away from the bathroom door otherwise she will get hurt. she shouts no. at this point Hubby comes and tells her to move away from the door and kicks it in. bathroom is open. holly is sat on the loo refusing to move. I pick up the flannel and give it to her. she throws it on the floor. i say "Fine then, smell, see if I care. all the kids at school are going to call you stinky holly." surprisingly she washes her face and brushes her teeth.
8:45 holly is downstairs. expecting breakfast. I have made her toast as she can eat that in the car and she is meant to be in school now. so tell her its toast again and ask if she brushed her hair. she says no, I cant find the hairbrush( Thats right in front of her on the table).
At this point I am close to screaming. I grab the brush and put up her hair.
9:00 we get in the car.
9:05 we get out the car and holly runs back into the house because she has forgotten her glasses that i told her to get just before we left.
9:10 back in the car
9:25 at the school and holly has forgotten her book bag and lunch box.
I apologize for being late and explain that holly wouldnt get dressed...to which she replied "Yes I did you just didnt wake me up early enough" thankfully my son turned around and said "dont lie holly, mum's been trying to wake you up since half 6 (he can tell the time bless him) the receptionist looks at me and holly runs into school.

Now for most kids doing this, its because the child does not like the school. Holly actually loves it. she does this EVERY DAY! Even on a weekend when we are going out for a day trip!
she has a reward chart, she has a list to read in the mornings, we have tried sending her to bed earlier, we have grounded her, taken away sweets and some toys, we have praised her when she gets ready quickly but thats only when she feels like it. I asked her why she took so long to get ready this morning and do you know what her excuse was? I was doing my morning stretches.
tuesday it was, I couldnt find matching underwear
Monday was I was cold so I wanted to stay in bed. I cant win sad I know its a long post but please. I really need some advice.

valiumredhead Wed 26-Jun-13 18:24:46

What time do you need to leave the house?

cece Wed 26-Jun-13 18:27:56

Leave at the time you need to leave. So what if her hair is not brushed/dressed etc? I took DD to school once in her PJ as she refused to dress. It has NEVER happened again.

LippyDiDooDah Wed 26-Jun-13 18:29:49

If this happens every morning then the school will be marking her absent every day as most schools start by 9am at the absolute latest, plus it's so not fair on your DS to be late every day too because of his sister.

Perhaps you can put her in the car unbreakfasted and with all her belongings in a bag and she can do what she needs to do in the car on journey to school. if she's not dressed fully or has unbrushed hair so be it - it will probably only happen the once as by 9yrs old she'll be so embarrassed to be seen like that by her friends and teachers.

I have a nearly 9 yr old and I only have to threaten going to school in PJs to get her moving grin

LippyDiDooDah Wed 26-Jun-13 18:30:52

X post with cece but great minds think alike!!

NotWilliamBoyd Wed 26-Jun-13 18:31:17

Your DH kicked the bathroom door in??

Numberlock Wed 26-Jun-13 18:31:26

How do the school handle the lateness?

valiumredhead Wed 26-Jun-13 18:40:07

She's playing you all for fools, and got everyone's attention. If bag and uniform are ask ready the night before there is no reason why it should take over an hour to get out of the house.

valiumredhead Wed 26-Jun-13 18:41:33

Are not ask.

Personally I would back off and leave her to it, tell her what time you ate leaving and you will do nothing more than wake her up. Tell the school so they can get on side as well.

mysteryfairy Wed 26-Jun-13 18:41:38

I would stop getting her up at 6.30 if you don't need to leave til 8.30. She could have an extra hour at least in bed. I don't think the early waking sounds as if it has any benefit. It's not like she's getting something like piano practice done and giving her such a long run up to getting ready must make her feel like she has all the time in the world.

I would supervise/help her getting dressed for a while rather than just leaving her to it. I would use it as a time for chatting and try not to make a big thing of the getting dressed. She might respond to company rather than just being left to it.

FannyFifer Wed 26-Jun-13 18:45:29

Wtf. I would ask her to dress once if not i would wash her and dress her like a baby myself.

FannyFifer Wed 26-Jun-13 18:47:57

Also lay everything out, underwear, school clothes etc.

Book bag, coat & shoes at the front door then they can't be forgotten.

Madlizzy Wed 26-Jun-13 18:48:42

I'd be going in there and dressing her silently. She'd get no attention until she'd actually done something she was supposed to do, then she'd get a well done etc. There'd be histrionics, yes, but I'd ignore those. I won't have a child dictate to me what time we leave in the morning. If she's not ready on time, then she leaves the house as is, no discussion. If she's late for breakfast, then she goes hungry. I'm mean!

mrsslc Wed 26-Jun-13 18:50:09

I'd agree with the others. Tell her you are leaving at the set time and take her to school exactly as she is at that point.

cedar12 Wed 26-Jun-13 18:55:39

Tell her what time your leaving the house. If she isn't fully dressed tell her your going anyway. She doesn't need to get up at 6.30! My dd has to be out by 8.30 the latest i get her up is 8 she still manages to be ready by 8.30. Granted i get her lunch ready for her. Most days she's is up at 7.30 though.

Trifle Wed 26-Jun-13 18:55:47

My god , you get her up so early. I wake mine up at 7.15, they leave for school at 7.50. You have way too much time In The morning, no wonder she is dragging her heels. All this pissing about back and forwards. Wake her up at 7.30 , tell her you're leaving at 8.30 and see what happens. What you are doing is obviously not working so try the backing off completely approach.

insanityscratching Wed 26-Jun-13 18:56:04

I agree with Valium, she's getting a lot of attention for misbehaving whereas ds who is doing as he should isn't getting the attention and is late for school.
I'd make a chart of what she needs to do. Wake her an hour before you need to leave. Warn her 15 minutes, ten minutes and five minutes that you will be leaving.
Leave on time, anything not done gets plonked in the car so she can do it in the car or she goes into school as she is.
Tell dd she obviously isn't getting enough sleep if she can't get ready on time so you will be sending her to bed 30 minutes earlier than her brother every time she isn't ready on time.

valiumredhead Wed 26-Jun-13 19:01:39

I agree with waking up too early. Ds is up at 7.15 and is out the door at 8, and in that time he has a shower, dries his hair and has breakfast. He knows if he is late he will get a lunchtime detention, late 3x and it's an after school detention.

Bonsoir Wed 26-Jun-13 19:03:51

You need to completely revise your morning timing.

If she needs to leave at 8.30 am (as we do - DD is 8.6) you need to wake her at 7.50 max.

Slubberdelatrinae Wed 26-Jun-13 19:06:09

Buy a copy of Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting. The price of the book is worth the chapter on getting ready in the mornings alone.
We now no longer have the morning battles, rage and upset.

forevergreek Wed 26-Jun-13 19:07:18

Waking way to early

7.30am wake.
If she's not ready at 8.30 she leaves house in pjs/ un breakfasted / unbrushed

monkeysnbears Wed 26-Jun-13 19:11:39

we need to leave the house by 8 30 as school starts at 8 45 so 8 30 at the latest
the OH would have a fit if I tried to send her to school in her jammies...he went mental when i just suggested it.
hubby had to kick door in as it was stuck not locked but I thought that I had written enough lol, if you shut the bathroom door completely, the only way to open it is to boot it in, its sticky as you like.
its the first time she has done that on purpose.
the school sent the EWO round to my house, due to their lateness. only to have me allow them in and try to help me get her sorted out. the school knows she wont get ready and they have said that they will get a learning mentor to have a word with her. that was a few weeks ago and the school sent the EWO round on monday.
We know she is playing us for fools and thats whats made me ask for advice. I have not got a clue what to do anymore.
We tried getting her up at the usual time of 7:30 I think thats a reasonable time to get up and ready for school with a bit of tv thrown in as a treat but we end up being even later with no tv sad
as for the dressing her myself..her brother is 6 and he can do it, she's 9 and has only started doing this the last few months and its getting worse. I will willingly give it a go.....but I am worried that I will scar her for life :/ as for the having a chat with her and helping her..I have tried and got shouted at to leave her alone sad

valiumredhead Wed 26-Jun-13 19:20:12

Why are you worried about your Dh having a fit? Just do it and stop pandering to a child who is making everyone late in the mornings! Good grief!

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Wed 26-Jun-13 19:29:47

I also leave the house at 8.30 and we get up at 7.00 OP....I bring mine down (they are 8 and 5) and they eat their breakfast in PJs while I make lunches....then they have a quick wash of hands and face and get dressed. I tempt them as they go with ten mins of telly if they're quick.

When my DD is difficult which she often is...actually they BOTH are...I do get in there and shove their arms into their clothes. It's your job to get them to school on time....if they wont do it alone, you can't just allow them to be late every day. Or take her in her Pjs! It's been done before.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Wed 26-Jun-13 19:30:13

Also how on earth will dressing her "scar her for life" confused

spanky2 Wed 26-Jun-13 19:32:34

Could be dyspraxia . Ds1 is just as organized and it drives me mad. If you look into the symptoms you will see. However she could just be pushing your buttons. Wash and dress her yourself until she does it. My ds2 does this kind of stuff to press my buttons and if you do it they can't wind you up.

insanityscratching Wed 26-Jun-13 19:34:10

If she senses that you and dh are divided on what to do or that you are afraid of upsetting her then she will have even more incentive to misbehave.
I would go through a list of ground rules so that she knows what to expect. Pin them on the wall and any fuss point to the list. Don't get into a discussion present it as it is something set in stone and tell her it will be followed.
If EWO is involved it sounds like the school are losing patience now and so it needs sorting.

spanky2 Wed 26-Jun-13 19:34:39

I used to make ds2 eat his breakfast at preschool as he was so awkward at home. Threatened him with it last week .

monkeysnbears Wed 26-Jun-13 19:34:47

I'm not worried about him having a fit about it. If he has a fit about it,He has a fit about it. I can just do without the argument it will cause when the kids are at school. He is one of those overbearing, overprotective dads that will not let her play outside, wear dresses, wear skirts or go to tea at her friends house. he has his reasons and I can understand why he is like it. I still let her play out and let her go to friends homes for tea and wear what she likes, but as soon as the kids are asleep we have a row about it. I dont want another row about my daughter, we have enough already.

zippey Wed 26-Jun-13 19:36:02

Theres some good tips above, try and enforce some of them. Its very unlikely you will scar children for life using any of the advice given above.

valiumredhead Wed 26-Jun-13 19:36:57

Sounds like she is rebelling against over strictness.

zippey Wed 26-Jun-13 19:38:44

DH wont let her play outside or see her friends at 9 years old? That's not healthy or wise I would say.

PearlyWhites Wed 26-Jun-13 19:39:01

Why on earth are you waking her up so early she is probably just very tired.

monkeysnbears Wed 26-Jun-13 19:42:20

The school has had enough. she loves breakfast club and she goes if she gets ready on time as a treat. I am going to try the rules thing, that sounds like a good idea. I am a very strict parent usually lol. I dont take any messing with anything else its just this morning thing thats getting to me. my DD started her Periods in April, just after her birthday. Its been since just before then. Would you get a 9 yr old girl who has periods, undressed, dressed, pad on, washed and ready? when she was 8 I did it a few times when she played up but now? I'm not to sure I would be happy doing it...although the threat of it might work lol

Runoutofideas Wed 26-Jun-13 19:44:03

A friend of mine had similar issues with her daughter. She ended up getting the head teacher involved. The child had to go and see the head whenever she arrived in the morning. She got stickers when she'd done well, and very told off if she was late....

Slubberdelatrinae Wed 26-Jun-13 19:44:48

Seriously get the book. It not only gives you a strategy of what to do but it also explains how to do talk throughs with your child before you start to make changes to routine. The Never Ask Twice chapter was a revelation. I seriously only have to ask my dds (7&9) to do something once now using the strategy, and they do it. Nagging no longer happens.

Spartacus101 Wed 26-Jun-13 19:44:52

Won't let her wear skirts???? I think (and I mean this with kindness) you have deeper problems here than lateness sad

PatriciaHolm Wed 26-Jun-13 19:44:55

DD can be like this very occasionally. I tell her if she doesn't get dressed, we will go to school with her dressed as she is at that point. Leaving the house with her with no shoes on a couple of times seems to have helped...

If you have been late so many times that the EWO is already involved, you need to do something drastic otherwise you could end up in serious trouble. Is she like this over anything else? As others have said, it may be a form of rebellion against her father being so overprotective. Does she enjoy school? Can you walk to school with some of her friends?

valiumredhead Wed 26-Jun-13 19:44:57

She is still a child regardless off wether she had started her period or not. She's 9, it's up to you to get her out of the house. The whole situation sounds bonkers, sorry but it does!

Go into her room, switch on light, remove duvet and then tell her what is going to happen and yes she will be leaving the house in her night time attire unless she has got ready herself.

She is controlling you, your oh is controlling you and you are left to clear up all if the shit.

She would not be going out to play with friends either. I'd bring her home from school, do homework or reading and send her straight to bed telling her if she is that tired she can spend even more time in bed.

I would then sit down stairs sharing popcorn and chocolate and a DVD laughing loudly, having a whale of a time with DS.

Withdraw attention and lavish it on your child that is behaving and she will soon figure out which side her bread is buttered.

monkeysnbears Wed 26-Jun-13 19:46:29

Zippey, me, his mum, his grandparents, my parents and grandparents and all our friends have tried talking to him about this. which is why I have put my foot down about it and told him that he knows where the door is if he dont like the fact that she is either wearing a skirt, playing out, etc.

valiumredhead Wed 26-Jun-13 19:48:20

So your Dh gets lots of attention for behaving like a prat too? Perhaps she's copying what she sees?

RobinBedRest Wed 26-Jun-13 19:55:16

Have you asked her what she thinks about it all?

monkeysnbears Wed 26-Jun-13 19:57:09

Madame i am going to try that as well as the list thing. and I have ordered the book. The EWO were actually quite nice and are having a chat with the school about her lateness and what the school can do to help. She has been grounded now for 4 days. Like i said before I am really strict.

ChoudeBruxelles Wed 26-Jun-13 19:58:51

Ds is 7 - he knows he has to get dressed, washed, teeth brushes etc in the mornings. I just threatening to leave with him in pjs/half dressed if he is messing around. I mean it.

You don't need to get up2 hours early though - maybe she's tired

RobotBananas Wed 26-Jun-13 20:00:42

Stop waking her so early, 7:30 at the earliest. And leave at 8:30 regardless of whether she's brushed her hair or had breakfast.

zippey Wed 26-Jun-13 20:17:40

Ive just ordered the book as well! Good luck with your daughter OP, hope it all works out!

WorkInProgress Wed 26-Jun-13 20:18:06

Other issues aside, have you tried feeding her first? Breakfast in pjs then dress, clean teeth. My daughter is a foul monster first thing who also takes half an hour to put a sock on. After some food she is much much better. I don't actually give her breakfast in pjs but I do try to avoid shouting at her because I know her mood is to do with hunger rather than being deliberately awkward. In fact I go out of my way to cajole her nicely until she has eaten breakfast.

Slubberdelatrinae Wed 26-Jun-13 20:34:02

You won't regret buying the book smile.

Mornings were for years the biggest flash point in this house. Absolutely terrible, shouting, tension, tears, threats, punishments. Gah it was a totally bloody nightmare.
1 chapter in a book (you must do the talk throughs first you can't just Do It without talking about the changes with all the family first) and we now have happy stress free lovely mornings.

I know like I sound like a religious nut but my God it worked.

The best parenting book I have ever read, sorry The MN Rules but it's even better than that.

Barking Wed 26-Jun-13 20:37:10

put her to bed in her uniform

Barking Wed 26-Jun-13 20:38:17

and turn the clocks back an hour wine

apatchylass Wed 26-Jun-13 20:45:55

Definitely take her in PJs with her stuff in a bag. But not angrily, just in a matter of fact, 'we have to be at school and this is how you have decided to prepare for school today' tone of voice.Or (as I have done) leave her at home with daddy while you and DS leave at a calmly reasonable time. Again, without any hissy fits. Just this is the way things are. Then let her be signed in late when you return to get her.

Wonder if your DH would chose the PJ option if he had responsibility for her getting to school on time.

But instead of turning it into a battle, just chat it through with her. Explain it has become a really big issue and there are more fun things to focus on. Ask her what she thinks might help - laying clothes out the night before? A new musical toothbrush and different toothpaste? A much shorter haircut? Get her to help with the problem solving and then work with her to get it sorted.

A timer might help, especially coupled with rewards. Set timer for five mins, and say if she can get her pre-laid out clothes on in that time, there'll be waffles for breakfast. If she can't, not to worry, reset it and when she's dressed in the next five mins, there'll be time for cereal.

CatsAndTheirPizza Fri 28-Jun-13 15:01:29

I would try to make it less of an issue for a bit by helping her and babying her a bit. She'll get sick of it in a week or two if she is 8. Once something becomes an issue like this, things can get very fraught.

Are you sure there isn't something about school she is worried about? One of my sons was like this for a bit - happened to be when he had a certain, rather rubbish and shouty, teacher. Once the new year started, he was fine and is now up and dressed before I'm even awake.

CatsAndTheirPizza Fri 28-Jun-13 15:04:32

Sorry, 9, not 8.

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