'DD uninvited to a party' have I gaffed?

(45 Posts)
Displacementactivitybelle Fri 18-Jan-13 10:49:36

Why are girls sooo predictable??? This is my first experience of this, and I think I must have gaffed, so your advice will be warmly appreciated!
DD1 has been 'not invited' to the class Queen Bee/Bully's party (girl has invited all of DD1's "group", and I fear DD1 is a rival Queen Bee). Then the next day the QB/B gave her an invite. So I said she was not going.

That should be the end of the matter, but QB/B tends to target parents so she and her little minions came up to me in the playground (I have a reception age DD2) and said 'Pleeese DD1's mummy, can she come to my party?' So I said, 'You didn't invite her.' She said she had. I said no, 'You did not invite her and then you invited her the next day. So she's not going.'
Mysteriously, QB/B has been nice to DD1 (never a good sign) and then she tried to approach me with her smiling Stepdad in tow - I quickly ducked out of any conversation at all.

OK, I know - parents should never, ever get involved, and DD1 (year 6) needs to make her mistakes. I also added a moralising comment to QB/B about making friends with people who respect you, not those who treat you well... ARGH. Can I do anything to remedy the situation? I do feel strongly that she should NOT befriend someone who plays games - that may be too adult a reading, though.

Displacementactivitybelle Fri 18-Jan-13 10:51:09

'not those who treat you BADLY' I meant! grr...

Trills Fri 18-Jan-13 10:52:57

She has been invited to a party.

If she wants to go, let her go.

You say she was "not invited" the first day - do you mean the other children danced around saying ner ner you're not invited or do you mean that she just didn't get an invitation that day?

Oh dear. You are way too involved in this. Step back and let your daughter get on with her peer group interactions on her own.

TeWiSavesTheDay Fri 18-Jan-13 10:54:52

You are the one making a massive issue of this. She was invited, she wants to go, let her go.

ggirl Fri 18-Jan-13 10:56:45

you reverted to 6yr old behaviour

grow up and just let her go
learn from this and don't get involved

Bluebell99 Fri 18-Jan-13 10:57:00

So by not letting her go, your dd will be excluded and you are ensuring she is excluded on your terms? What does your dd want to do? I also have a dd in year 6 and if she wanted to go I would let her. Your plan may well backfire and your dd will maybe not be invited to future parties.

EuphemiaLennox Fri 18-Jan-13 10:57:17

Blimey er yes you've gaffed.

You sound like a spiteful bitchy manipulative 11yr old yourself, and as yu are a grown women and not an 11 yr old that is v bad.

Moral high ground to them I'm afraid.

You seem too involved in the whole she's queen bee, my daughters a rival, no ones getting one over on us, im tellingmthem what for, type thinking, and it sounds very unhealthy and a bit weird.

piprabbit Fri 18-Jan-13 10:57:47

She got the invite 24 hours after the children, so you are banning her from the party?

Let them sort it out for themselves because I can't for life of me think why you are so bothered.

ggirl Fri 18-Jan-13 10:59:03

the fact you're talking in terms of queenbee and rival queenbee speaks volumes

JustFabulous Fri 18-Jan-13 11:02:31

Oh dear.

I think you sound a bit too involved.

Displacementactivitybelle Fri 18-Jan-13 11:03:41

Hmm, thank you. Will re-discuss with DD1, who doesn't seem that bothered about the party. I knew it was a mistake to even talk to the QB when she approached me - should have told her to discuss it with DD1.

There is a backdrop to this (girl in question is not the nicest, has hit DD1 "by accident" several times - several other parents have been in and out of the school to complain about her).
But thanks for calling me a weirdo! Much appreciated! grin

ELR Fri 18-Jan-13 11:04:50

You are right you should not get involved but its just so hard.

This has happened to my dd a few times now with the same girl. I have told dd that I would not bother going but it's up to her she has always chosen to go and has had great time saying that she did invite her in the end so that's all that matters.
This year dd got an invite straight away and we couldn't go as we were away so no issue.(i did secrety take pkeasure in telling the Girl dd woulnt be able to come!)

I think it's just something they need to sort out and learn from themselves.

Dd is in a group of girls but doesn't quite fit(tomboy & a bit quirky)so is not always included in all their get togethers and plans.

I just tell dd that there are so many ordinary people(clones)in the world it's good to have a few non conformist, interesting people around which she just happens to be lucky enough to be one of.

Fwiw my DS's 6th Birthday party is next weekend. Being a bit disorganised, some of the invitations weren't delivered on the same day...no offence to anyone intended. I hope no one takes it that way.

The other girl's stepdad probably thinks you're utterly bonkers now. Just leave them to it and don't get involved.

ELR Fri 18-Jan-13 11:09:41

I think you've all been a bit hard on the op she admitted she messed up in her post. It's instinct to protect your kids, it can't be helped even if you are a grown women some of these queen bees as she called them can be little bitches!

pictish Fri 18-Jan-13 11:10:07

Eeeeek! You gaffed!
It's understandable that you should feel the way you do...but these are your dd's relationships to learn from. You taking the huff and forgoing the party on her behalf is inappropriate!

Sort this out.

Displacementactivitybelle Fri 18-Jan-13 11:10:11

Sorry - to clarify: the girl deliberately excluded her from the invites ("YOU don't have one") and she and DD1 are regularly at loggerheads. It wasn't me getting funny about an oversight (I have had to deliver invites in batches sometimes too).

Badvoc Fri 18-Jan-13 11:10:22

You are far too involved in this.
If your dd wats to go, let her go.

Did it occur to you that maybe the other child excluded your dd on accident or purpose then regretted it and was trying to make it right? By refusing to let her go you've enflamed the situation. i think you should apologise to this child and her parents tbh. i don't know what you were thinking but it certainly wasn't about how to behave like an adult!

Displacementactivitybelle Fri 18-Jan-13 11:13:27

Probably easy to resolve, DD1 hasn't brought hte invite home yet, so I haven't replied officially to anyone. No apologies necessary to parents (who are doing their best)... phew...

nipersvest Fri 18-Jan-13 11:13:43

yes, you've gaffed, but i think deep down you know that wink, let her go. speak to the party girl, and or their parents and just blame it on crossed wires/thought we had something else on that day but now we don't etc etc.

i have a yr6 dd, and feel you're over thinking all this, not inviting her the same day could have easily been a genuine oversight, invite left at home etc.

Viviennemary Fri 18-Jan-13 11:18:46

I agree. You don't know the reason why she wasn't invited till the day after the other people had been invited. Did they actually say you're not invited or did she merely not get an invitation. You refused the invitation. This all sounds really silly and I don't know why you even got involved.

Displacementactivitybelle Fri 18-Jan-13 11:20:51

Yes, I do think the biggest mistake I make is being physically around (purely because of the younger one) and therefore getting sucked in. Mercifully, the change to secondary school should resolve that one...

ohfunnyhoneyface Fri 18-Jan-13 11:22:35

She is what? Ten? Eleven?

You're doing her no favours to put such emphasis on group dynamics and labelling children bullies/queen bees.

It's not healthy, much better to set a good example to your child that politeness and manners are more important. It's better to be kind than to be right.

DoodlesNoodles Fri 18-Jan-13 11:25:21

Yup, you gaffed but I can see how it came about. It would have been better for your. dD to say thankyou for the invite and either gone or not gone depending on her wishes. I would have explained to her that the QB is playing her (or similar) but I would have left it up to her.
I would have also spoken to the school and ask that they remind parents (and children) not to be obnoxious about party invites.

I wouldn't worry about it too much. You could always get your DD to give the QB a token present just to calm the waters.

Displacementactivitybelle Fri 18-Jan-13 11:32:21

ohfunnthoneyface, I don't actually use those terms in convo with DD! Though obv bullying is discussed at home, and she never, ever stops analysing group dynamics (school stories are her favourite books right now).
Yes, politeness and manners are important, but ermm, that is why I blew a gasket in the first place, because it was a deliberate 'you are not invited' and I found it difficult to work out what the best policy is in such a situation (Is it polite to accept an invitation that is given by someone you don't like, begrudgingly and with mind-games? I guess we all have to work that one out for ourselves).
But yes, I should not have made the actual decision (throwaway comment over shoulder in the car), or engaged with the 10 year old in question, my mistake.

VenusRising Fri 18-Jan-13 12:03:07

Crickey, you seem very involved and triggered by this.

Fact is your Dd needs to forge her own life, and your job is to help her become independent of you, and to develop her own style.

Be a good role model for her, and graciously accept the invite. I think you were rude to be homest, to blank queen bees smiling parent.

It's best to leave all ishoos aside when entering the playground.

ohfunnyhoneyface Fri 18-Jan-13 13:56:18

^Totally agree with Venus Rising ^

I would discourage such close analysis of the friendship groups- it isn't healthy, and can lead to poor social skills as a teen.

Primary issues can overspill into secondary- and this is the last thing you want. Let her sort out herself what she wants to do and support her, it isn't about how you perceive her to have been slighted- you will make it ten times worth for her self esteem and confidence if you encourage her to think that this girl is slighting her through her party invitations.

PuffPants Fri 18-Jan-13 14:03:10

Oh dear OP. Your DD will do much better in life if you step back and let her run her own social/personal life. She will sharpen her own senses to these matters more quickly without you pulling the strings in the background.

Your comment about your DD being a rival to the Queen Bee is interesting.

Chandon Fri 18-Jan-13 14:06:28

Queen bee and rival queen bees and storms in teacups...

Yes, you are acting younger than the kids involved. To even think of anyone as a queen bee, or rival bee shows....ehm, confused thinking.

lljkk Fri 18-Jan-13 14:55:42

I'm having trouble telling apart the adults & the children in this story.
At least OP kind of half realises.
Just stay out.

TheSecondComing Fri 18-Jan-13 15:02:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CeliaFate Fri 18-Jan-13 15:18:55

I think the OP has had a hard time here. She realises now she's gaffed...I'm guessing the Queen Bee comment comes from reading Queen Bees and Wannabes, which is often mentioned on this site as a good read to understand the dynamics of girls' relationships.

I think the OP was defending her daughter and wanted to show the other girl that she knew she'd been nasty by deliberately excluding her the day before.

Take your lead from your daughter, if she wants to go then let her.

yummumto3girls Fri 18-Jan-13 16:28:26

Initially I was going to say you gaffed but then I read that the other girl specifically said she was not invited. Really nasty and spiteful and it's tempting to say she's not going but I would leave it to your daughter to decide, they are so temperamental at this age it's best not to get involved......and no it doesn't get any better at secondary!!

DewDr0p Fri 18-Jan-13 16:33:33

On the other hand though, yummum maybe the other girl's parents realised what was going on, had a word with her about that behaviour not being acceptable and were trying to get her to put things right?

OP if your dd would like to go, I would let her, unless you think her parents won't keep an eye on things, I suppose.

ThePathanKhansWitch Fri 18-Jan-13 16:42:13

Does this situation have resonance for you OP?

I have a 5 yo in reception, one day girls are best of friends, the next frenemies.

You are there to advocate for your dd, if she,s unhappy, but I think otherwise, step back and let them get on with it.

lastSplash Fri 18-Jan-13 16:47:22

You haven't said very clearly what your DD thinks about all this - was she very upset the first day when she was deliberately excluded? Did she feel like she was being messed about when the invite came or happy about it? Did she / does she want to go?

GingersarealwaysToms Fri 18-Jan-13 16:49:43

OP you know your daughter and the other child, and the group dynamics, better than anyone of the people on here who are being hysterical about you making ONE little remark to a by the sound of it very knowing and trouble making 11 year old.

We know that the whole girls bitching and bullying each other thing is primeval, but why shouldn't a child, who does not know any better, not actually listen to the opinion of an intelligent adult? There is a chance that she might have actually paid attention to what you said to her, and felt chastened. Of course she might not pull this type of stunt on your child again, but she will probably move on to someone else.

Why are people trying to pretend that this sort of thing is not horrendous for the children involved? What would you do if you knew the teachers knew and had made a decision to stay out of it? Sometimes adults have to try to explain things. This is far more complicated than 3 year olds saying they had hold of the toy first.

11 year olds on their way to becoming adults and trying to work things out in the world. Adults have to teach them how to behave. If you were calm and polite I see no reason why you should not have explained to her that her behaviour was manipulative.

GingersarealwaysToms Fri 18-Jan-13 16:52:05

By the way I have to go out now so will not be able to continue to chat. Good luck. Hope your daughter stays happy.

It's not really about it being horrendous for the children involved; it's a terrible idea for the OP's own sanity.

What kind of sensible adult wants to be drawn into the group dynamics of 11 year olds? I hated school enough when I had to go; I have no desire to relive my primary school days through my children. They'll just have to sort out relations with their peers themselves.

Notmyidea Sat 19-Jan-13 20:10:55

Can't say I blame the op for being protective of her dd! There is a huge difference between taking an interest in the dynamics of our children's relationships and being unhelpfully involved. I can certainly think of one of dd1's peers I'd describe as a queen bee.
I do think you went too far in snubbing her parent, though. If your dd wants to go let her, if she doesn't at least get a little present and a "sorry I can't make the party" sort of card.

Floggingmolly Sat 16-Feb-13 17:40:01

They're all ten shock. how old are you?

Sonnet Wed 20-Feb-13 07:28:53

Step away, do not get involved. The biggest issues I have ever observed between groups if girls are when the parents are involved. Teach your dd about kindness and inclusion to all.

Timetoask Wed 20-Feb-13 07:34:17

Zombie thread alert

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